ballerina
14-12-17, 21:31
I don't know if I'm alone in this. But I find it so difficult to accept that I'm healthy, that when I'm cleared of one thing, I almost search for something else to obsess over. I see young children in the news with terrible illnesses or dying in tragic accidents and I just think, how can I be in great physical health and have a decent life. SOMETHING has to give, and that's my health. Life isn't fair, even seemingly healthy people drop dead, at a lower rate than those with unhealthy lifestyles/chronic health problems but still. Why shouldn't I worry about getting something terrible? For example, a middle aged lady at my work dropped dead in the office the other day from a stroke, I don't know if she had previous conditions, but still it's scary how these things happen.
I convince myself I'm going to be one of those few that slips through the net in terms of doctors missing serious problems. All of my family pretty much have lived healthy full lives, both my grandmothers, one lived well in her 80s and the other is now 80 and is in excellent health besides some age related eyesight problems. My dad, and my mum's dad died pretty young, but they were "self inflicted" aliments, smoking and drinking related illnesses. My two paternal aunts had breast cancer in their 50s but overcame it and are now in good health thanks to our NHS. My mum is in her 50s and has never had any serious health problems.
I'm pretty certain I get my anxiety from my dad, he was anxious about many of the same things as me, such as air travel, even though he was an engineer and knew the minuscule risk of dying in a crash he wouldn't go on a plane. Also when he was very ill he refused to see a doctor, go into hospital etc. Even with his illnesses he may be alive today if he allowed them to treat him.
I don't know why I'm so certain that I'm going to be one to die of something terrible, either a long slow decline into cancer a shadow of my former self while my friends go on to get married and have children, or that I'm going to be sat there and randomly have a heart attack or an embolism and be gone in a panicky flash.
I think they call it 'magical thinking' or something like that, I think the most insane things like, "I've already beat the odds by being left handed and redheaded, so why wouldn't I beat the odds of having cancer young". Or "I was flicking through the tv channels and a programme about young people with terminal illnesses is on, it's a sign." Everyone else in my family seems to have a great life, except me, I'm the one who had an up and down childhood with an alcoholic father, so why shouldn't I be the one who gets ill and dies? Even though that's not how it logically works.
I have a friend who smokes, is overweight, is on birth control, has a pretty sedentary lifestyle and has a family history of blood clotting disorders, yet I don't have any of those things and I'm the one terrified of blood clots when my leg is cramping up. The magic of anxiety.
I crave certainty that I'm going to die as a happy old lady with a life fully lived and a big family. But I can't have that, nobody can, I just need to develop the coping with uncertainty that seems to come naturally to most, and only crosses their mind every so often.
Sorry I just used this thread as basically a diary entry, feel free to reply if you relate to anything :/
I convince myself I'm going to be one of those few that slips through the net in terms of doctors missing serious problems. All of my family pretty much have lived healthy full lives, both my grandmothers, one lived well in her 80s and the other is now 80 and is in excellent health besides some age related eyesight problems. My dad, and my mum's dad died pretty young, but they were "self inflicted" aliments, smoking and drinking related illnesses. My two paternal aunts had breast cancer in their 50s but overcame it and are now in good health thanks to our NHS. My mum is in her 50s and has never had any serious health problems.
I'm pretty certain I get my anxiety from my dad, he was anxious about many of the same things as me, such as air travel, even though he was an engineer and knew the minuscule risk of dying in a crash he wouldn't go on a plane. Also when he was very ill he refused to see a doctor, go into hospital etc. Even with his illnesses he may be alive today if he allowed them to treat him.
I don't know why I'm so certain that I'm going to be one to die of something terrible, either a long slow decline into cancer a shadow of my former self while my friends go on to get married and have children, or that I'm going to be sat there and randomly have a heart attack or an embolism and be gone in a panicky flash.
I think they call it 'magical thinking' or something like that, I think the most insane things like, "I've already beat the odds by being left handed and redheaded, so why wouldn't I beat the odds of having cancer young". Or "I was flicking through the tv channels and a programme about young people with terminal illnesses is on, it's a sign." Everyone else in my family seems to have a great life, except me, I'm the one who had an up and down childhood with an alcoholic father, so why shouldn't I be the one who gets ill and dies? Even though that's not how it logically works.
I have a friend who smokes, is overweight, is on birth control, has a pretty sedentary lifestyle and has a family history of blood clotting disorders, yet I don't have any of those things and I'm the one terrified of blood clots when my leg is cramping up. The magic of anxiety.
I crave certainty that I'm going to die as a happy old lady with a life fully lived and a big family. But I can't have that, nobody can, I just need to develop the coping with uncertainty that seems to come naturally to most, and only crosses their mind every so often.
Sorry I just used this thread as basically a diary entry, feel free to reply if you relate to anything :/