cattia
28-12-17, 18:11
2017 has been very difficult for me. It started off with me becoming obsessed with smells and with my vision under artificial lighting, leading me to think I was having temporal lobe seizures caused by a brain tumour. Fast forward to the summer and I became convinced that my hair was falling out. This detracted a bit from the brain tumour fears but I spent a miserable few months counting every hair on my hairbrush and in the shower and spending a fortune on hair supplements and special shampoos etc. I then became obsessed with ovarian cancer as I was having ovulation pain. Got an ultrasound, it was clear. Then jumped to breast cancer as I was having breast pain. Probably muscular as it's on the same side as my sore neck and shoulder. From that, started to worry about seizures again after reading about random memories and flashback deja vu which I have been getting. Most recently, I've had flu over Christmas, now worried about chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. Also been tested for Lyme's this year and had numerous blood tests which were all O.K.
I've tried two different meds this year, the one I stuck with longest was Sertraline which I was hopeful about but it made me like a zombie and gave me five weeks of the most horrific panic attacks so I came off it.
I've started therapy. I have three young kids and I'm constantly obsessing that I won't be here to see them grow up. I turned 40 this year and I feel old and like my healthy days are behind me. Every milestone like Christmas and birthdays I am depressed that this time next year I won't be here any more. I am constantly convinced I have an undiagnosed illness. I struggle to cope at work. I am distracted from my kids. My marriage is suffering. I don't feel like making any effort with friends or doing anything really because I just feel what's the point and I always feel something is wrong.
Living like this is a waste of a life. I know that nobody can be sure of how long they have left on this earth and I want my days here to count. I truly want to get better in 2018. I have no idea how I will do it but I want to stop being afraid of everything and enjoy my life.
I will be continuing in therapy and I may try going back on meds (fluoxetine worked for me in the past). I am going to try my best to make positive changes this year so that when I look back on 2018 it isn't such a bleak story. I just wanted to write this down here to get it off my chest, and in the hope that there are others here too who are in similar place, wanting to move forward but feeling unsure how to and wondering whether you even have it in you to believe that you are well. Thanks for reading, I feel better for writing it down.
I've tried two different meds this year, the one I stuck with longest was Sertraline which I was hopeful about but it made me like a zombie and gave me five weeks of the most horrific panic attacks so I came off it.
I've started therapy. I have three young kids and I'm constantly obsessing that I won't be here to see them grow up. I turned 40 this year and I feel old and like my healthy days are behind me. Every milestone like Christmas and birthdays I am depressed that this time next year I won't be here any more. I am constantly convinced I have an undiagnosed illness. I struggle to cope at work. I am distracted from my kids. My marriage is suffering. I don't feel like making any effort with friends or doing anything really because I just feel what's the point and I always feel something is wrong.
Living like this is a waste of a life. I know that nobody can be sure of how long they have left on this earth and I want my days here to count. I truly want to get better in 2018. I have no idea how I will do it but I want to stop being afraid of everything and enjoy my life.
I will be continuing in therapy and I may try going back on meds (fluoxetine worked for me in the past). I am going to try my best to make positive changes this year so that when I look back on 2018 it isn't such a bleak story. I just wanted to write this down here to get it off my chest, and in the hope that there are others here too who are in similar place, wanting to move forward but feeling unsure how to and wondering whether you even have it in you to believe that you are well. Thanks for reading, I feel better for writing it down.