I really need help... I cannot get over my cancer fear

[Caseyg89]

Happy New years everyone.

2017 has been one of my absolute worst years (health anxiety for the first time) and the most amazing (gave birth to my baby boy). I am just feeling so defeated. I've tried all strategies. I travel an hour to a psychologist that specializes in OCD and health anxiety, I've worked with my family doctor and I have seen pretty well all specialists. I've had horrible stomach issues (all day, everyday) for the past 11 months and I cannot get the fear of stomach cancer out of my head. Naturally, I read about a stomach cancer that is much more difficult to diagnose and am convinced I have this type. I've had 2 endoscopes and a barium swallow. I just can't handle anytjing that is outside of the norm. After I have birth I was severely anemic, had elevated white blood cells and platelets. I was convinced that was due to cancer. I had more blood work ordered and all of those issues were rectified but my liver function was slightly elevated. Naturally, I was instantly convinced it's because cancer spread. I was ordered an ultrasound which I had done today. They looked at my whole abdomen and everything was normal. There have been no answers for my stomach issues so I feel so defeated and when I don't have an answer I go to the worst case. To be honest, when I have an answer I try to disprove it.

I've wanted to be a mom my whole life. I can't even explain how much I'm in love with my son. When I had to get the ultrasound I cried and cried because I'm worried about leaving my baby. I'm crying just thinking about it.

One thing I realized is that the more tests you get, the more "issues" that will be found. I read an article from a radiologist that said he never does an MRI or CT scan where something isn't found incidentally.

I've tried getting reassurance from tests, I've tried not going for any tests, I've tried counselling. I'm not completely comfortable with medication since I'm breast feeding.

I don't know what it will take for me to believe I don't have stomach cancer.

[susie1]

Hi have just read your post. hang on in there. HA is a beast that lays waiting for you. Your hormones are everywhere but what you're fearing is JUST HA. Stay positive x

[Caseyg89]

Thank you Susie!

I am really struggling with believing it isn't anything serious. I have so much fear of leaving my baby.

2018 is a new year with new hope.

I really hope 2018 is a great year for you too.

[Halle0587]

I read your post and cried! I have this same fear since having my son. He's 21 months now. It's awful and scary. I try so hard to keep my brain busy with reading and laughter and just stay busy in general so it doesn't creep up. I pray a lot, that helps. I cry a lot and voice my concerns to my husband. I also see a counselor bc I have refused medicines that could alter my awake/conscious state since having my son. No Tylenol pm or NyQuil when sick, nothing that will make me drowsy so I'm 100% aware. My counselor listens and let's me get the fears out and helps me rationalize things. It does help, but I have to keep going in order to stay on top of it. I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one, but hate that we have this fear.
I read The Magic of Motherhood. It helped me as well, many of the stories in that book help you find comfort in knowing you're not alone.

[pulisa]

I think having responsibility is a huge trigger for OCD/HA and nothing can be bigger than caring for another precious human life. I have 2 adult children who both have special needs-as you can imagine I find it very hard to manage my OCD which manifests in many different ways. None of us can control our lives to the point that we are invincible and immune from disease no matter how hard we try but it is so sad that you are losing all your enjoyment of your baby's first few weeks/months due to this overwhelming and all consuming fear that something has been missed on all these tests/procedures you have put yourself through. What is the point of challenging medical tests? Why give yourself this agony? Life will never give you 100% certainty.

[lyndau63]

I can totally identify with this. It always happens when you have really looked forward to something. I was just the same when I had my first baby. I had double vision and was convinced I had M&S. And of course the more you worry, the more your tummy will play up.
Easy for me to say and it is always easier to look at something logically when you are detached but I think it is very unlikely that you have cancer. I have just come back from the hospital after a scan this morning so, be,sieve me, I know what you are going through.:hugs:

[susie1]

Please hang on in there. Like one of the other posts I too have 2 grown up children. My HA started with the death of my mum and the birth of my son 30 years ago. I have tried to analyse where my fear stems from and it is leaving my children. They are both grown up and married but the thought of not being there for them, or them seeing me 'waiting to die' terrifies me. I am not in a good ploace at the moment either but know enough to say with certainty that living with HA is probably worse than living with a life threatening illness. It takes everything and gives nothing. I really want you to enjoy your baby. Don't miss this precious time please

[CaraVanhiding]

I wish I could give a magical answer but I can’t I too have the same fear and 5 children. I am also a smoker so that makes is 1000 times worse but I can’t stop my anxiety won’t subside without a evils white stick, I am down to 5 a day now and cry the whole way through I have tried every treatment to stop but my head always wins the you CANT DO IT!!

I am so scared of the doctors I dare not go and ask for tests just drive myself insane with thoughts