Aspergers and dating = overload!

[wubu]

Being a mild aspie guy I've got the capacity to do "normal" things like a job, house etc. But social situations are are confusing as hell at times.

Massively happy at splitting with my ex in the summer and and nearly all my anxiety left me and I've now randomly stumbled on an incredibly attractive woman who appears to really, really like me.... But she's pretty full on and has some crazy energy. While she's not totally my typein terms of her whole personality I find myself quite attracted to her mainly for how blunt and direct she is which makes things (almost) simple.

The problem is I am left quite drained and end up overloaded from being with her which then sparks anxiety and fatigue. It's early days but I'm unsure if I.should tell her about my aspergers or leave it for a few months. Half of me wouldn't be bothered and I'd be less stressed if she didn't want to go any further but the other half would be gutted.

I wouldn't be too surprised if she said she already knew as it's starting to become apparent I'm a little different from my peers.

[Mindprison]

I've always considered dating to be quite draining as well at the beginning, more so because of my social anxiety/awkwardness. I imagine it must be similar for Aspergers but to a greater extent.

When I started dating my current girlfriend, I just laid all my anxiety stuff on the table after the first few dates. I thought similarly to you, I was worried it would get in the way and I didn't want to hurt anyone. Turns out she had similar problems. 4 years and counting now with no hiccups in sight.

It's scary and the thought of it going badly from telling them is always going to be rolling around in your head. The way I see it though, she's going to find out eventually and it's probably better finding out now if it's a problem now rather than 3 months down the line when you might be feeling a bit stronger for her.

If she likes you then i'm sure she won't be deterred by this at all really.

[wubu]

Well I did tell, not that she really understood it which I don't expect most people to any way. But we'll see how it y

[Mindprison]

Best of luck to you! Hope it all works out!

[pulisa]

I really wish you good luck as well! My 32 year old son has Asperger's-I know what a minefield the prospect of dating is to him too. It's good that you've explained some of your difficulties to her but I bet she likes you because of who you are and won't care a bit about your diagnosis.

[WiredIncorrectly]

I have high functioning aspergers which means like you I'm pretty normal at doing things but social situations are a complete no go for me too.

Dating is tough. I have never dated in the traditional sense. I've had 2 long relationships. Both partners I met online. I've never asked a girl out or approached a girl. I was lucky in that these 2 girls approached me and showed interest in me. And I had to have alcohol on the first times we met to feel "normal". Bad idea, but hey ho. Works for me.

But dating in general is hard. Even now, 10 years into this relationship, I still find it hard. She still finds it hard too. An aspie and an NT will clash because we think differently. We have different values. At times this can piss an NT off and vice versa. We have qwirky little relationship agreements that we abide by. We don't argue vocally, we take it to messenger or email where we can think and voice our opinions clearly. Just little things like that to keep us both happy because we both love each other (yes aspies can feel love and they want to be loved).

We're generally quite people and we like to be a lone ... even if we are living in the same house as our partner. But thankfully my partner accepts that and she's supportive. I'm constantly trying to improve myself to take her feelings into consideration and understand how she feels. It's a constant battle and I'll never "get it".

Sorry I went off on a mad tangent there.

The important thing is that you feel comfortable. I would suggest speaking to her and being open. Go for a quite meal or something and discuss. It's good to be open with her because being an Aspie does make it more difficult to an NT and you can only hide it and bottle things up for so long.

I could not imagine being in a relationship longer than a week without telling her I have aspergers because I would be mentally overloaded ... like you are. This can turn into a burnout type feeling which can slip into depression and it's a downward spiral for me.

My suggestion is be open and upfront. It can only go one of two ways. And if she decides to break it off she was never good enough for you in the first place. It's a win/win tbh.

[wubu]

I never thought I'd say that I'd like having aspergers, although at times it can be a curse. I just don't like to come across as selfish because really I'm not, certain things I need to have my own way with or it gets to an overload stage. To be fair, she quite likes my quirks and said it's what make me unique and she likes that. It's very early days and what can seem like cute oddities can be come the bane of your life, for an NT that is.

I certainly learned a lot about my life as an aspie from my previous relationship and deffo don't try and hide it as much, that really helps with stress too.

Thanks all.