Suzanna
28-06-07, 12:47
Hey everyone........................
This is so difficult to know what to begin with, so i shall start from the beginning!
Ever since i was a small girl i new that i was a bit different, in the sense that i was worried all the time about nothing and everything and i would start doing actions, for example; like tying my hair up a certain number of times and in a certain way and in an even number and if the pattern was broken i had to start from the beginning, it was exhausting!
I was always so frightened of being ill, i thought i had cancer, i used to go to bed at night lying on my stomach with my hand covering my heart so that i new it was still beating!!
I used to worry about my family and friends and death. I would have awful extremeley realistic visions of death of family members etc and often these images distressed me and would reduce me to tears. :weep:
When i was 5 yrs old i was referred to a child physcologist and was diagnosed as being a hypocondriact.
By the time i was fourteen my body had actually had enough, i was exhausted from all the thinking and worrying, i told my mother about everything i was experiencing, i told her i thought i had voices in my head but it was actually my own self making the voices up in my head (sounds abit confusing doesnt it?!)
She took me to the doctors and they referred me staight away to a psychologist. From that day on for about a month i didnt want to leave my mothers side as i felt safe around her. I didnt want to go to see the physcologist as i was frightened they'd think i was going mad. In actual fact it felt so good to talk to someone about my problems.
I was diagnosed with having OCD and was prescribed Chlomipramine. Taking this and going to regular therapy sessions my life began to be more enjoyable and the OCD easier to cope with.
When i was 18 i did a extremely stupid thing. I started to smoke cannibis which is the most positively dumb thing i could do in my condition. At first it made me feel happy and i enjoyed it and then one day out of the blue after smoking it i had my first major Panic Attack. I remember it clear as day, and i remember the horrid feelings i felt afterwards and for the following week.
On the positive side i did learn to cope with the OCD, it is something i will always have and i taught myself how to deal with it, but when im under stress, tired or pre-menstural it is worse.
Last year i went to Australia for a year working and travelling. I have family out there so i stayed them for a while and went travelling with my cousin. The whole year was an emotional roller coaster.
For the first 6 months everything was fine, i was really enjoying myself. Then i started to get homesick, but when i was homesick i would just ring home and that would make me feel much better.
I started to get Panic Attacks. They first started when i was very hungover or very tired from a late night partying with my new friends and i would spend the next 7 to 10 days feeling detached from the world; for example, is this real?? is this reality?? am i dead??
I spoke to my Aunty about it and she told me to pull my socks up and that she didnt have any time for depressed people as she doesnt believe in it!!!!
Obviously she has never experienced a Panic Attack or she would not have been so insensitive.
I tried talking to my new friends about it but they too had never experienced one and so i took myself off to the doctors.
He was so good to me, he tested my blood for any imbalances and counselled me about it. He told me i needed to learn how to relax and he also prescribed me Valium to help calm me down as i was in quite a state.
I took me about a month to recover from the feelings the Panic Attacks produced. I then began to have a good time again!
I have been back from Australia for about 3 months now and i havent had a physical Panic Attack but i get the fear of having one and then i feel like im about to have one until i tell myself not to be so stupid and to calm down. The feeling soon passes but im still scared.
My OCD seems to be really quite bad at the moment, maybe this is why im feeling scared. I keep getting horrid, horrid thoughts in my head that are very graphic, i get suicidal thoughts but i know i would never actually do that, its just the thought of it that upsets me, i picture in my head what it would be like if i wasnt here etc, i would never do it, i dont want to do it but the thoughts seem to come from nowhere and then i dwell on it and then i get all these images which make me want to cry.
It has got to the point where again i am emotionally exhausted, all i want to do is read, sleep or be around other people as this is when i feel happiest.
I am also frightened that i am going mad, i picture myself in an asylum with my parents coming to visit! I know im not but its hard to convince myself!
I went to the doctors about it the other day and she has referred me to see someone but in the meantime the doctor recommended this site.
I hope this site can provide a relief for me, i feel better already getting all this off my chest!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Love
Suzanna
This is so difficult to know what to begin with, so i shall start from the beginning!
Ever since i was a small girl i new that i was a bit different, in the sense that i was worried all the time about nothing and everything and i would start doing actions, for example; like tying my hair up a certain number of times and in a certain way and in an even number and if the pattern was broken i had to start from the beginning, it was exhausting!
I was always so frightened of being ill, i thought i had cancer, i used to go to bed at night lying on my stomach with my hand covering my heart so that i new it was still beating!!
I used to worry about my family and friends and death. I would have awful extremeley realistic visions of death of family members etc and often these images distressed me and would reduce me to tears. :weep:
When i was 5 yrs old i was referred to a child physcologist and was diagnosed as being a hypocondriact.
By the time i was fourteen my body had actually had enough, i was exhausted from all the thinking and worrying, i told my mother about everything i was experiencing, i told her i thought i had voices in my head but it was actually my own self making the voices up in my head (sounds abit confusing doesnt it?!)
She took me to the doctors and they referred me staight away to a psychologist. From that day on for about a month i didnt want to leave my mothers side as i felt safe around her. I didnt want to go to see the physcologist as i was frightened they'd think i was going mad. In actual fact it felt so good to talk to someone about my problems.
I was diagnosed with having OCD and was prescribed Chlomipramine. Taking this and going to regular therapy sessions my life began to be more enjoyable and the OCD easier to cope with.
When i was 18 i did a extremely stupid thing. I started to smoke cannibis which is the most positively dumb thing i could do in my condition. At first it made me feel happy and i enjoyed it and then one day out of the blue after smoking it i had my first major Panic Attack. I remember it clear as day, and i remember the horrid feelings i felt afterwards and for the following week.
On the positive side i did learn to cope with the OCD, it is something i will always have and i taught myself how to deal with it, but when im under stress, tired or pre-menstural it is worse.
Last year i went to Australia for a year working and travelling. I have family out there so i stayed them for a while and went travelling with my cousin. The whole year was an emotional roller coaster.
For the first 6 months everything was fine, i was really enjoying myself. Then i started to get homesick, but when i was homesick i would just ring home and that would make me feel much better.
I started to get Panic Attacks. They first started when i was very hungover or very tired from a late night partying with my new friends and i would spend the next 7 to 10 days feeling detached from the world; for example, is this real?? is this reality?? am i dead??
I spoke to my Aunty about it and she told me to pull my socks up and that she didnt have any time for depressed people as she doesnt believe in it!!!!
Obviously she has never experienced a Panic Attack or she would not have been so insensitive.
I tried talking to my new friends about it but they too had never experienced one and so i took myself off to the doctors.
He was so good to me, he tested my blood for any imbalances and counselled me about it. He told me i needed to learn how to relax and he also prescribed me Valium to help calm me down as i was in quite a state.
I took me about a month to recover from the feelings the Panic Attacks produced. I then began to have a good time again!
I have been back from Australia for about 3 months now and i havent had a physical Panic Attack but i get the fear of having one and then i feel like im about to have one until i tell myself not to be so stupid and to calm down. The feeling soon passes but im still scared.
My OCD seems to be really quite bad at the moment, maybe this is why im feeling scared. I keep getting horrid, horrid thoughts in my head that are very graphic, i get suicidal thoughts but i know i would never actually do that, its just the thought of it that upsets me, i picture in my head what it would be like if i wasnt here etc, i would never do it, i dont want to do it but the thoughts seem to come from nowhere and then i dwell on it and then i get all these images which make me want to cry.
It has got to the point where again i am emotionally exhausted, all i want to do is read, sleep or be around other people as this is when i feel happiest.
I am also frightened that i am going mad, i picture myself in an asylum with my parents coming to visit! I know im not but its hard to convince myself!
I went to the doctors about it the other day and she has referred me to see someone but in the meantime the doctor recommended this site.
I hope this site can provide a relief for me, i feel better already getting all this off my chest!
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Love
Suzanna