hocd But scared I’m bi

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Ok so I’m a young teenager going to an all girls high school this year, and I have posted on another website, but the person I communicated to didn’t know what to do anymore because they were unsure of hocd.

So I feel like I have had a fear all my life of being gay, growing up with a homophobic family. I have always had crushes on guys. But lately I have constantly had the lingering thought in my head maybe I like girls. I get this feel when I look at a girl on Instagram in a bikini, I think I’m jealous, but maybe I like it in a sexual way. And I don’t instantly get attracted to guys, sometimes. I love their voice personality and then eventually looks. I don’t look for a guy with abs like every other girl my age.

On the other website, the person I spoke to said that I sounded bi. I know that I have feelings for guys that’s why I kinda believe it.

When I was little I used to draw the nipples on barbies (don’t judge) but make out with the guy one. Then I would play naked dress up games because it kinda turned me on when I was like 8. I really hate the thought of being with a girl, when I am with my best friends, i feel straight A’s ever and that I’m gonna go out and impress some guys. But alone, i keep testing my self and checking to see if I’m attracted to girls.

I really don’t know what to do.

[Clydesdale Epona]

hocd is a very hard one to crack and although I won't be able to 100% help you I can offer some support.

have you sought any support with this? I feel like some CBT would benefit you greatly as that helps with many forms of anxiety including O.C.D, it might be worthwhile going to your doctor about this.

As for how you are currently feeling, first off.
As for girls on Instagram I get jealous especially when they can rock something I can't, jealously and sexual attraction is very different and i'm sure if you were sexually attracted you would know about it. I believe that is just doubts.

I'm not instantly attracted to guys myself, it takes a while and when I did I fell hard for his personality, his voice/accent, his quirks and eventually of course looks because he is really cute and good looking to me. I'm not an abs girl or a "well built" girl or anything like that, in fact six packs are a turn off for me.

When you are attracted to the same sex it is exactly the same as those who are attracted the opposite one, nothing you have said indicates you like girls so I think its safe to say that you aren't a homosexual, however.

I feel the need to just mention a little disclaimer.

Even if one day it turned out you were slightly queer there's nothing wrong with that, but I believe you aren't and sadly though the advice or guidance of others won't help hocd that much as you will always ponder, intrusive thoughts and the "what ifs?" will always stick around and so I believe some form of counselling may help.

Best wishes :hugs:

[Weebo]

I have anxiety about being bi as well, but I’m more gay. I’m scared I’ll be forced to be with a guy and that no girl will like me. My HOCD gets way worse when guys show interest in me. It makes me feel like I have no chance with girls. The worst thing is people pressuring me to give guys a chance.

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Thank you both so much for replying, see the girls on Instagram, how do I know it’s not attraction?

And because I’m going to a girls school, my friend said that they have lots of councillors. I will definitely go to see one. I really am sick of these thoughts but I’m afraid that now i like them. I was told that maybe I’m denying it because of my parents.

The way I feel for guys when I like them , I just don’t think I see myself feeling that way for a girl. Maybe I could maybe I couldn’t

[Clydesdale Epona]

Thank you both so much for replying, see the girls on Instagram, how do I know it’s not attraction?

And because I’m going to a girls school, my friend said that they have lots of councillors. I will definitely go to see one. I really am sick of these thoughts but I’m afraid that now i like them. I was told that maybe I’m denying it because of my parents.

The way I feel for guys when I like them , I just don’t think I see myself feeling that way for a girl. Maybe I could maybe I couldn’t

Whenever I see a girl rocking a great dress for example I've always felt that tinge of "dang I wish a dress would hug my hips that well"
I've never felt like "dang she's hot" or "I'd totally marry her" because i'm not as interested in girls as I am in guys, i'm straight and I know that.

Many bi or gay people know from a very young age, my brother knew when he was 5! if you don't see yourself liking a girl in the same way as a guy or they just don't interest you in that way its almost certain you are not gay nor bi.

But the thing about intrusive thoughts are you can't seem to shake them and you'll always be paranoid that "maybe this is true" or "maybe i'm actually liking it" but that's not true that's just extreme doubt.

I do think seeking some support would help as its a tough cycle to break and sadly the reassurance of others either won't work or won't last long until it comes back.

Best wishes :hugs:

[Scaldris]

Hi,
I went through the exact Same thing. Drop me a message, and I can write You down how I got through and it help You through it if You would like to. :)

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Ok so I’m trying to get over this, but what I’m super anxious about, is whether I should go to an all girls high school. My current school is awful and my parents think that a private school will give me the best education, I agree. However I’m scared that from this school I will come out as gay/bi and figure out my true self which is literally giving me panic attacks. Is it what’s best for this? Oh and now all the feelings for girls seems real but I still can’t stand the thought of being with one. Also I think that I overthink my feelings for guys because I want to like them so I don’t like girls which I hate also

[Clydesdale Epona]

Hiya,

Have you sought support yet? It will greatly benefit you as its the only way to break the cycle x

As far as going to a different school i very much doubt you'll end up coming out as you just said yourself you can't stand the thought of being with one meaning you're straight.

It's just an aggressive cycle of intrusive and negative thoughts.

It may also help to ask yourself, what are you afraid of? What bad things would happen if you were to turn out to be? What are you trying to avoid?

It's very clear you are heterosexual and this is just your hocd but, figuring out why you're so scared may help you recover/get to the bottom of it x

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Thank you for the help. I am currently doing an online course of CBT.

I am afraid of just being with a girl and being seen as that. I wouldn’t be accepted in my family, and I feel like I would live my life miserable because that is not who I want to be. And I am trying to avoid all those things I just said.

[Clydesdale Epona]

Great an online course is a great place to start and will sort of prepare you for person centered counselling or something along those lines.

I know its hard but there's never been anyone in the world who's dated the same sex or opposite sex and been unhappy because they didn't want to.

If you don't want to and would be miserable then it means you never will.

I don't have this myself as I am a very content person with my pansexuality but I have friends with it and I know how crippling it can be, if you need someone to talk to while you go through this just send me a message x

[Ireallyneedhelp]

The things is, I have these weird urges now. Like if I see a girl in a bikini I have a weird feeling that is different than before. It’s like I like it. I’m honestly scared and anxious and I really don’t think it’s going to get better

[Scaldris]

I think everyone with HOCD went through this, including myself. I know how it feels, I went thorught this when I was on vacation at the beach, seeing girls like that for 5 days all day every day...
But I don't want to reassure you, because that will only make it worse. All I gotta say is that it gets worse before it gets better. Just hold on, and do ERP.

[Ireallyneedhelp]

Ok so I feeli like I’m starting to get feelings for girls. There are NO attractions for guys anymore. A girl put her arms around a guy and I got goose bumps and butterflies?!?! Also I feel like I am admiring a lot of girls because I am currently moving to an all girls school and have had a lot of really nice friends help, us that admiration because I am happy and feel lucky to have them????

[Scaldris]

Sit down and breathe.
You are thinking too much and letting hocd take control.
Have you tried Headspace? Working out would also help, you won't have that much time to think.

[Weebo]

Ok so I feeli like I’m starting to get feelings for girls. There are NO attractions for guys anymore. A girl put her arms around a guy and I got goose bumps and butterflies?!?! Also I feel like I am admiring a lot of girls because I am currently moving to an all girls school and have had a lot of really nice friends help, us that admiration because I am happy and feel lucky to have them????

I had the same experience. You have too much anxiety to worry about sex. I had the same issue. I lost all my attraction to girls and felt like I was starting to get feelings for guys. I’ve realized what I actually want is more important than any feelings of attraction I have. I want to be with girls even though I don’t feel much attraction to them a lot of the time. I really don’t want to be with guys even though I get the worst groinal responses for them sometimes.