I can't take this anymore, need help

[Alisha Fearer]

Hi, it's me again. This post might be quite long and I apologise, but please read as I need advice ASAP. :scared15:

I've posted on here a few times recently because of my health anxiety that is just eating me alive now. It all started when I was a kid, getting panicked over really stupid things like for example; the shape of my stomach, because clearly I just had no idea about anatomy back then and I also used to get scared of my belly button coming out and hated getting in the bath because I thought water was going to go through my belly button and into my stomach!! I just panicked about the weirdest things back then but as the years went by, my health anxiety started to become more and more serious, where I began worrying about things like brain tumours, heart problems, breast cancer, tetanus, retinal detachment, skin cancer, MS, ALS, lung diseases, diabetes, meningitis, basically just everything you can name. Even led poisoning was something I worried about once! There is a gigantic list of the countless diseases and health conditions that I've panicked about having over the years and it just doesn't stop!! It is driving me crazy and I'm so upset. I am seriously being pushed over the edge now and I really need help but don't know what the best thing to do is. It is a constant cycle of severe anxiety, panic and just general distress. Like many others with health anxiety, I develop one symptom, go crazy panicking about it, researching it on Google only to be told I have some serious deadly illness (because for some reason, these websites only seem to give you the worst case scenario causes of your symptoms, instead of telling you the natural, benign causes which are just as real as the serious ones..) The symptom drives me mad until it kind of runs its course, and I've maybe gone to the doctor and been told nothing's wrong, then my fear goes away, which is then often followed by the symptom itself.

Then I develop another symptom, freak about it, go through the same process with going to Dr. Google and everything, then it eventually all fades away, and it just keeps going to one symptom after the other, after the other in the same constant cycle, you get what I mean. There is not one week that goes by where I'm either suffering with a symptom and in a state of serious anxiety, or where I'm just waiting for the trillionth symptom to arise and repeat the cycle all over again. I was paranoid about my muscle twitches a while ago, as they were happening all over and constantly every day. I was convinced I had MS or some other serious condition and that made me sick to my stomach.

Then just over a week ago, I thought I had cervical cancer because of some blood in my discharge which is not normal for me but to be honest, that fear didn't go on for very long because it was such an intense fear (I was convinced I had cancer and was thinking all about chemo, possible death, sorry I know that sounds so terrible but it's true, I was basically pondering the sickening idea of me having cancer..) The fear was so immense that I think my brain just decided to shut it off to protect itself from having some kind of breakdown. I just suddenly felt numb to the core and luckily, I didn't notice (and still haven't) anymore blood so that has totally cleared that anxiety up. But now, the inevitable has happened and I've developed yet ANOTHER symptom :mad:

This symptom is very hard to describe so bare with me, I'll try to explain it the best I can. It is kind of like I'm having "phantom smells" you know when you suddenly smell something that isn't there, like smoke or something else when nothing is actually in the air? Like for example, I've got the whiff of smoke up my nose before that happens suddenly, then goes away after like a second. Well this symptom I have now is oddly different, I keep having all these many different smells just like "appearing" vaguely somewhere deep in my nose. It's not like I think I can physically smell them upon inhaling like the phantom smells I've had before, but rather, it's like the memory or thought of a certain smell is being triggered and I think that certain smell is in my nose for a split second or some of them even last a few seconds, but when I breath in through my nose, I can't smell anything and it just goes away. The kind of smells I keep "imagining" are for example alcohol (specifically Baileys Irish liquor which I do drink on the odd occasion.), perfume, washing up liquid, dirt, some random chemical, even curry or cheese. It is freaking me out and I really feel like I'm going crazy! Sorry if this doesn't make much sense but just try to imagine the 'memory' of a certain smell manifesting itself vaguely deep up your nose, it's almost like you've just inhaled it but it has instead just appeared there like something in your brain being triggered. Well, I researched of course, silly me! I researched it on Google and as usual, it just comes up with things like, "Experiencing phantom smells? You could have a brain tumour!" There are just links all throughout the search results talking about how if you have phantom smells, you either have epilepsy, tumour as mentioned, some kind of brain injury and basically all these worst case scenarios and as usual, nothing benign mentioned, at least not to my acknowledgement.

So, even though I know it is worst case scenario, I am now scared I may have a brain tumour or something badly wrong with my nerves. I have had brain tumour fears before, and since I also get some other odd little symptoms here and there, and also headaches, I'm scared all of this is because of a brain tumour. See how all this is just a big irrational mess? I feel so stupid and like I will never break free from this intoxicating cycle! I am just wondering if anyone has some good advice on what I can do to get better?? Btw I am on anxiety medication (Propranolol) but it isn't working as well as it used to which is so unhelpful, I will talk to the doctor about that some point soon. I just want to feel normal, instead of abnormal and on red alert all the time, wondering what it is I'm gonna die of next. :weep:

Has anyone else ever experienced this kind of odd smell symptom before? It won't stop happening. Could it be because of my anxiety or related to some kind of psychological issue? Could it be because my brain is just glitching because of my anxiety issues or could it even be because of lack of sleep? I haven't got hardly any sleep for the past few nights, I've probably only got about 3-4 hours, which I know is real bad. I certainly hope this odd symptom is just because of something like that! Sorry, I've ranted on enough. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Help me. :ohmy:

[cattia]

Reading this post, I honestly feel as though I could have written it myself. You describe so perfectly the cycle of health anxiety that I too and many others here are trapped in. Like you, I have also worried since childhood but as I have got older my worries have got more extreme. I've had periods in the past when I would have a cycle of worry then I would get out of it and be OK for a good while before the next episode hit. Lately there has been no break and it's back to back worries. I wonder whether this is also the case for you?

I went through a bad period of brain tumor worries last year and I was having a whole heap of phantom smells as well as horrible visual disturbances. I know exactly what you mean about it being like the memory of a smell, I had that too. I've had a couple of weird smell things lately too but I have very congested sinuses and that can also cause it. For what it's worth, there are usually very specific smells associated with brain tumours, they are very strong unpleasant smells and they don't shift from one thing to another. I found the more I obsessed about the smells the worse they got. The only thing that got me out of that cycle was that I started to think that my hair was falling out and I got so obsessed with that that I kind of moved on from the brain tumor fear, although it still lurks in the background.

In terms of treatment, I obviously haven't found anything that really works because I'm still here! I've had CBT in the past which has helped a bit with understanding the thought processes but for me I think my anxiety is very deep rooted and controlling my thoughts isn't really enough, I need to try to unpick it more deeply. I am now seeing a counsellor who does CBT but also is trained in other integrative methods. I am hoping this will help but I think it will take a long time. There is some counselling available on the NHS but it is mostly short term and the waiting lists can be long. Going private is expensive though. It would be worth talking to your GP about what is on offer. I think there is some sort of NHS list of approved private therapists now as well. I found mine on the BACP website.

The medication you are on is really only effective for the physical symptoms of anxiety like racing heart and hyperventilating, it won't help with the obsessive thinking. You would be better off trying an antidepressant like one of the SSRIs. Have you ever tried any other medication? It can help but probably best used with other methods, also the side effects can be annoying which is why I came off mine. Reading stories on here I find helps because it makes you realise you are not alone. Are your family and friends supportive?

[Alisha Fearer]

Reading this post, I honestly feel as though I could have written it myself. You describe so perfectly the cycle of health anxiety that I too and many others here are trapped in. Like you, I have also worried since childhood but as I have got older my worries have got more extreme. I've had periods in the past when I would have a cycle of worry then I would get out of it and be OK for a good while before the next episode hit. Lately there has been no break and it's back to back worries. I wonder whether this is also the case for you?

I went through a bad period of brain tumor worries last year and I was having a whole heap of phantom smells as well as horrible visual disturbances. I know exactly what you mean about it being like the memory of a smell, I had that too. I've had a couple of weird smell things lately too but I have very congested sinuses and that can also cause it. For what it's worth, there are usually very specific smells associated with brain tumours, they are very strong unpleasant smells and they don't shift from one thing to another. I found the more I obsessed about the smells the worse they got. The only thing that got me out of that cycle was that I started to think that my hair was falling out and I got so obsessed with that that I kind of moved on from the brain tumor fear, although it still lurks in the background.

In terms of treatment, I obviously haven't found anything that really works because I'm still here! I've had CBT in the past which has helped a bit with understanding the thought processes but for me I think my anxiety is very deep rooted and controlling my thoughts isn't really enough, I need to try to unpick it more deeply. I am now seeing a counsellor who does CBT but also is trained in other integrative methods. I am hoping this will help but I think it will take a long time. There is some counselling available on the NHS but it is mostly short term and the waiting lists can be long. Going private is expensive though. It would be worth talking to your GP about what is on offer. I think there is some sort of NHS list of approved private therapists now as well. I found mine on the BACP website.

The medication you are on is really only effective for the physical symptoms of anxiety like racing heart and hyperventilating, it won't help with the obsessive thinking. You would be better off trying an antidepressant like one of the SSRIs. Have you ever tried any other medication? It can help but probably best used with other methods, also the side effects can be annoying which is why I came off mine. Reading stories on here I find helps because it makes you realise you are not alone. Are your family and friends supportive?

Thank you for your comment! It's so nice to know someone else has the same issues. My fear of having a brain tumour has made me sick with worry and catastrophic thoughts over the past few days but nothing like today. I woke up today and upon waking, I noticed odd dull pains randomly happening all over my head, (like both sides, forehead, in eyebrows, back of head and top) And all day, I have been panicking because these dull achy pains have been happening ALL DAY constantly. I was already scared about having a brain tumour due to the odd phantom smells and also the fact that for the past two days, I've also been very unusually sleepy and felt like I'm dreaming.

I don't know if you've had this but it feels like you're disconnected from reality and your surroundings. Like you're dreaming, just floating around and this has made me feel very unsettled (I think they call this depersonalisation.) So with all this and the fact I've had dull pains all over my skull all day long, (not to mention a strange dizziness and vertigo that started last night and have had throughout today..) I've been so sick with worry that I've had to take two of my Propranolol just to suppress the nasty physical symptoms of anxiety. :weep: I just feel so dreadful and helpless! I have noticed there is hardly any gap now between bouts of health anxiety, just like what you said in your comment.

I used to go sometimes a few weeks before another symptom came along for me to stress over but now, it is as little as just one or two days after I've stopped stressing over the previous symptom. I would like to try CBT, as I've heard nothing but good things about it. It seems like a scientific method of training your brain to think and act differently and I hope it could work with me, though like you, I also believe my anxiety is just so deeply rooted within my brain that it would be incredibly hard to rewire those neural pathways. I have had many issues in general throughout my life, ever since I was a little kid and have had many bad, negative things ingrained into my brain so I am quite worried that I'll only be able to change slightly instead of totally rewiring my brain.

To answer your question about medication, I did try Citalopram which is an antidepressant but it for some reason gave me horrendous heart palpitations, I honestly thought it was doing some damage to my heart and I was terrified of continuing on with taking it so I stopped after a week and a half. I have just been on Propranolol ever since which is probably over 3 years now I've been on it, which is quite a long time to take the medication because they say it should be used for short-term, ideally. I just haven't been able to come off of it because it has been such a help to me, though of course it has lost its effectiveness now, not completely and so I will still take it when anxious, but it doesn't really relax me like it used to. I understand it is because the anxiety is coming from my brain and the tablet obviously can't help with that. I would like to try another antidepressant but I'm scared of the side effects and to be honest, I don't want to become dependant on pills to help me feel better, because it isn't healthy.

Also, my family aren't really supportive when it comes to my health anxiety. My mum just seems to get grumpy when I voice my concerns about cancer for example and I can understand why she gets annoyed, because I do go on and on and on trying to seek reassurance but I can't really help it! I just feel like I need constant reassurance when I am in the "fear mode". My dad doesn't really understand, though since he is trained in first aid and has basic know-how in health, whenever I tell him about my symptoms, he will ask me questions to get an idea if it could be something serious or not.

In fact he scared me tonight because I told him about the pains in my head and how weirdly sleepy I am and he asked me if I'm sensitive to bright light or have a rash on my body, basically asking if I have symptoms of meningitis (one of the countless deadly illnesses I actually freaked out about a long while back.) I said to him - "Oh don't trigger my anxiety, please!" just in like a desperate cry in the midst of feeling plain awful and he just shook his head, saying "I'm just asking a question!" I understand that but it just reminded me of that whole fear of meningitis I had a while back, but of course that fear hasn't come back. I'm still paranoid about having a brain tumour. My brother doesn't understand my anxiety, he has his own mental issues but health anxiety is just alien to him, it seems. I don't have any friends who feel the same, I have one really lovely close friend who is such an angel to me but I don't think she'd understand because she has a learning disability and doesn't really grasp the concept of anxiety or mental health issues. She, bless her, is such a jolly and bubbly person who (lucky for her) doesn't have any kind of mental health problems or inch of negativity in her at all.

So all in all, I feel alone in my environment and feel there's no one I can talk to about this except from the people here on NMP like yourself or the doctor, though I am even a bit too scared to talk to him about it since it may invalidate any future health issues I face. Like the doctors may think I am just being paranoid and not listen to me if I really do have something wrong. I don't know!

Quick question about your phantom smells, how often did they occur? Were they daily? And did you get the sort of variety of smells like I'm getting? Just curious, as they are so strange! :unsure:

[bubx]

I relate to this so much. Whilst my anxiety has only recently turned to health, thinking back, I have always been a worry wart. I remember being worried when I was 7 that the BFG or the grand high witch from Roald Dahl’s books would kidnap me. I remember being worried when I was 8 that aliens would come and there were demons in my wardrobe. These weren’t just worries, they consumed me and kept me up at night. I remember being scared to death after watching 2012 when I was 9, God knows why; about the world ending. I remember being utterly consumed with worry when Japan had an earthquake and a nuclear plant was on the verge collapse. My health anxiety recently peaked following a stressful year of exams. I’m only 17 and I wonder how long this will last for.

I was sick in May 2017 as the flu season started in Australia and consequently my lymph nodes swelled up. This was the first trigger. I was so obsessed with poking them, feeling them, moving them up down right left hoping they would go down. I went to several doctors in the subsequent months and finally did a fasting blood test in November which came back clear. This didn’t relieve my worry because I knew that lymphoma didn’t necessarily show in blood tests so I continued to seek out doctors, especially since exams were over and I have a lot of time on my hands. I continued this worry when I went overseas and when I got back, my worry shifted. I had back aches (probably from travelling and poor posture) but I was convinced I had bone cancer. This continued for about 2 weeks and when the pain subsided my worry went back to lymphoma. After about the 6th or 7th doctor, my worry shifted to leukaemia and I wanted another blood test, just in case my blood changed in the 1-2 months.

Most recently, I’ve been worried about a brain tumour and nasal cancer. Despite several doctors telling me that they could see no blockage and that my neurological status was fine, I still worry. A few nights ago. I woke up and the top parts of my legs were a bit sticky. I instantly remmebered lymphoma so my worry has turned back, despite my lymph nodes not changing or going down in my neck and jaw for 9 months. Who knows what hat my next worry will be.

I want to seek help but I’m scared if I turn my back, it will actually be something sinister. I tell myself I need to be reassured first, just in case it’s something sinister, before seeking psychological help. I’m exactly like you, I go around different symptoms and diseases. It’s horrible. But I’m fearful that I may be correct this time, that I may actually be ill. Have you tried counselling?

[Healthanxietysuffere]

My latest health anxiety episode was started 6 months ago with phantom smells. Mine was always cigarette smoke. I freaked out on the inside for about 6 weeks before ending up in the er one late Sunday night in August. The doctor did a CT scan of my brain, which was totally normal. No tumor. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted , until I started on my next illness. The smoke smell has gone away completely for the most part. I thought I smelled it again recently, but it was fleeting. I wish I would have known about this forum then, it seems a lot of us have had phantom smells. Hugs to you, I know how freaked out this weird symptom can make you. Plus, googling always leads to bad things. I did join a phantosmia Facebook group, which was helpful to read. None of the posters in there were diagnosed with brain tumors either.

[london28]

In a months time if you're still alive remember to remind yourself, that it is really just sillyness created by ours brains.