Feel I may be developing blackouts

[failingsanity04]

hi, I am at a bad place in my life at the moment, but I am not looking for support exactly. I am however looking for honest answers in reply to this post whether they be negative or positive as I would always rather be hurt by the worst truth than fooled by the best lie. So if you think the worst may be possible, please don't hold back and tell me because that will help me confront the objective reality of the situation rather than delude myself into thinking everything is ok. I therefore am particularly looking for people who have suffered from both groups being Dissociative Identity Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder and Anxiety so I can compare symptoms which is why I have posted this to forums for each disorder.

Now, in respect to what is going on, I need to go back in the past. When I was about 11, I was being repeatedly bullied and stopped leaving the house, a situation I was comfortable with which was not necessarily due to overwhelming anxiety but just due to comfort. I became a schizoid somewhat.
When I was 15, I suffered a severe loss that to this day I have not gotten over. To cope with this, at the time I remember holding my breath and forcing myself to stop crying and it worked with the price of not being able to properly feel any emotion whatsoever. I was comfortably numb.
When I was 16, I developed schizophrenia. The mental health system sectioned me and I was in hospital for two years and then again for another two. The anger I felt 24/7 towards the doctors, the staff, the people who were bullying me in the hospital and the objects of my delusions was so overwhelming that sometimes I found it hard to breathe and sleep.

Up to the present day (I'm 26 now), not a day goes by that I don't feel overwhelming hatred for this entire world and everything it has done to me, but I managed to find somewhat of a solace in reading and sleeping. I have been out of hospital for a year and a half and was becoming positive about life despite not being able to fully experience it but out of the blue I developed more symptoms. Without going into it too much, my depersonalization-derealization got much worse. I want you to imagine the following: you'll be doing something and all of a sudden you feel like you've lost consciousness for a split second and a little palpitation wakes you up similiar to a myoclonic jerk which is where people nod off only to be abruptly woken up by the fact that their head has dropped. This is the symptom I am noticing along with all the feelings of loss of identity and unreality. Pragmatically speaking, my doctor thinks it is just anxiety but I think he's missing something. When these attacks happen (on a daily basis) I cannot think, speak or anything, it's like I have frozen or that I'm not there. I cannot tell whether it is a small panic attack or the beginning of uncontrollable blackouts.

My question therefore is to the people with depersonalization-derealization disorder is do you ever have this and do you manage to live through life experiencing it but not ever blacking out completely?

My question to the people in the other forum with dissociative identity disorder and dissociative amnesia is whether this phenomena I am describing is similiar to what you feel when you black out and did it start like this?

My question in the anxiety forum is whether you experience this little blackout/palpitation at all?

[ankietyjoe]

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible as I'm not qualified to diagnose your problem (nobody here is).

My partner has been diagnosed with DID, BPD and DD, caused by multiple past traumas. I am intimately familiar with how it works.

My instinct tells me that your past traumas aren't even close to being significant enough to cause DID or DD. These are usually caused by prolonged sexual and/or physical abuse. However, as I mentioned before I'm not qualified. Your stay in hospital possibly contains more detail that you're able to describe here?

I believe that the vast area between anxiety and true depersonalisation is very grey and not particularly well understood. Schizophrenia for example can mean multiple things and cover multiple symptoms.

It does seem feasible to me that you are having certain symptoms that I recognise. Particularly when you describe not being able to speak, think or do anything. This happens to my partner a lot (not so much now, but historically). People often think that anxiety only illicits 'flight' or 'fight', but the third state is 'freeze'. This was explained to her by her therapist, and it's more common among those that have experienced trauma.

I wonder if there are triggers that you have, that you may not be aware of at this point? I do notice there are certain triggers that will cause my partner to dissociate.

The good news is that it can be managed, but I feel other people would be better at helping you with this than me. This website is an excellent resource for those who suffer with trauma and the associated mental health issues, although primarily focused on those with a history of sexual abuse.

http://pandys.org/

[failingsanity04]

My stay in hospital contains a lot more detail. I didn't want to trigger anybody so I won't but you may be underestimating the pain I have suffered which I think personally is comparable.

I don't think anything is triggering me except everyone entirely. My fear is that I'll blackout in their presence and not be accountable for my actions, thus, other people are the trigger. If no one existed on this planet except for me, there would be nothing to fear: no people to get hurt and retaliate, no doctors to section me, no legal system to hold me accountable.

Thanks for your opinion.

[ankietyjoe]

My stay in hospital contains a lot more detail. I didn't want to trigger anybody so I won't but you may be underestimating the pain I have suffered which I think personally is comparable.

I don't think anything is triggering me except everyone entirely. My fear is that I'll blackout in their presence and not be accountable for my actions, thus, other people are the trigger. If no one existed on this planet except for me, there would be nothing to fear: no people to get hurt and retaliate, no doctors to section me, no legal system to hold me accountable.

Thanks for your opinion.

I very probably am underestimating, I apologise.

It's probable/possible that you have a PTSD component in your condition (again, I'm only comparing with how you describe your symptoms to what I've experienced in my partner), but PTSD and DID/DD are closely related.

As for the blackouts, I'll try and allay your fears as much as possible.

I have witnessed (hundreds of times now) two kinds of 'blackouts'. One is the freeze response, where the person appears almost completely drunk. Verbally non responsive, unaware of what's going on around them and just 'out of it'. In this situation you are a danger to nobody.

The other kind of 'blackout' I have witnessed (and a lot rarer) is one where an 'alter' appears. This is the often misrepresented schizophrenia type of reaction where an alternative personality appears. These personalities are not dangerous however, they are created SOLELY to protect the person suffering. They are there to take over when a situation becomes to emotionally difficult to deal with. I have never seen one become aggressive, except on a very, very rare occasion where they become aggressive towards themselves (a shame reaction). I don't think I've ever seen an alter appear without some kind of situational provocation. Even when the do appear, the vast majority of the time it's difficult for most people to tell. There is no massive change in motivation or instinct. The person doesn't change from a passive female (for example) to a 9th century Knight of the round table, that's Hollywood myth. It's rather an exaggerated version of themselves.

Some or none of this may apply to you, but I think it's an avenue worth exploring. My instinct tells tells me you are experiencing a freeze response.

Do you have a trusted GP that you can begin to talk to about this? It's really a far too complicated subject to even begin to talk about here (I think).

[failingsanity04]

I very probably am underestimating, I apologise.

It's probable/possible that you have a PTSD component in your condition (again, I'm only comparing with how you describe your symptoms to what I've experienced in my partner), but PTSD and DID/DD are closely related.

As for the blackouts, I'll try and allay your fears as much as possible.

I have witnessed (hundreds of times now) two kinds of 'blackouts'. One is the freeze response, where the person appears almost completely drunk. Verbally non responsive, unaware of what's going on around them and just 'out of it'. In this situation you are a danger to nobody.

The other kind of 'blackout' I have witnessed (and a lot rarer) is one where an 'alter' appears. This is the often misrepresented schizophrenia type of reaction where an alternative personality appears. These personalities are not dangerous however, they are created SOLELY to protect the person suffering. They are there to take over when a situation becomes to emotionally difficult to deal with. I have never seen one become aggressive, except on a very, very rare occasion where they become aggressive towards themselves (a shame reaction). I don't think I've ever seen an alter appear without some kind of situational provocation. Even when the do appear, the vast majority of the time it's difficult for most people to tell. There is no massive change in motivation or instinct. The person doesn't change from a passive female (for example) to a 9th century Knight of the round table, that's Hollywood myth. It's rather an exaggerated version of themselves.

Some or none of this may apply to you, but I think it's an avenue worth exploring. My instinct tells tells me you are experiencing a freeze response.

Do you have a trusted GP that you can begin to talk to about this? It's really a far too complicated subject to even begin to talk about here (I think).

There's no need to apologise, don't worry about it. :)
I have a GP, a psychiatrist and I live in supported accommodation with a multitude of carers.

I understand what you say about the blackouts and I hope it's the former.

However, I currently work with a carer who knows someone who had blackouts where he would just run to the nearest person and beat them up without provocation.

He was 5 to 1 at the time and is now in hospital I believe. These sorts of things I hear don't leave me and I brood on them a lot.

Thanks for your helpful words.

[ankietyjoe]

There's no need to apologise, don't worry about it. :)
I have a GP, a psychiatrist and I live in supported accommodation with a multitude of carers.

I understand what you say about the blackouts and I hope it's the former.

However, I currently work with a carer who knows someone who had blackouts where he would just run to the nearest person and beat them up without provocation.

He was 5 to 1 at the time and is now in hospital I believe. These sorts of things I hear don't leave me and I brood on them a lot.

Thanks for your helpful words.

I wouldn't focus on the worst case scenario. I am in contact with dozens of people who suffer from a number of symptoms from abuse and I don't recall any of them ever saying they became physically aggressive towards other people. My limited understanding of that kind of blackout is that it's more connected with physical brain trauma or military backgrounds, guys who have witnessed severe violence and death.

It's good to hear you already have an established support network. It's worth giving the Pandy's website a look too. The resources there are deep.

[failingsanity04]

Hey ankietyjoe, I just thought I'd post an update and see what you think about this. Last night as I laid down to sleep I had two occurrences of the following:
I froze for about one second and all the while heard screaming in my head lasting only momentarily (about a second). I was still conscious but frozen somehow. The second time it was like a noise but not a scream, like a cd getting stuck for a second.
I have never experienced this before, is this part of anxiety?

[ankietyjoe]

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that sounds suspiciously like a flashback. Common with PTSD.

Please let me reiterate that I'm not qualified. I'm just referring your experiences to my partners.

[failingsanity04]

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that sounds suspiciously like a flashback. Common with PTSD.

Please let me reiterate that I'm not qualified. I'm just referring your experiences to my partners.

Ok, thanks for your opinion. I'll see my doctor soon.

[ankietyjoe]

Check out the Pandy's forum too. There are so many more people there who can relate to what you're experiencing.

I've just shown this to my partner too (hope you don't mind) and she agrees that this could be a PTSD related flashback.

[failingsanity04]

Check out the Pandy's forum too. There are so many more people there who can relate to what you're experiencing.

I've just shown this to my partner too (hope you don't mind) and she agrees that this could be a PTSD related flashback.

No I don't mind. I have already checked out pandys, thanks for that.
The reason why I haven't elaborated on my traumas was because I thought it was against the ToS to discuss things of a sexual nature, but here goes anyway (I think I'm allowed):
My schizophrenic delusional narrative was that I was raped and someone attempted to castrate me, it wasn't true but I lived for years thinking it was. When in hospital I was severely victimized, nothing major, but repeated on a daily basis 24/7 by many people. Due to this I had lived numb for many years but reliving the anger every day. I honestly think now that the anger has overwhelmed my senses and is too much for me to bear.

It's a poor prognosis, but like I said, I don't want to lie to myself, because I don't find that helpful.

[ankietyjoe]

No I don't mind. I have already checked out pandys, thanks for that.
The reason why I haven't elaborated on my traumas was because I thought it was against the ToS to discuss things of a sexual nature, but here goes anyway (I think I'm allowed):
My schizophrenic delusional narrative was that I was raped and someone attempted to castrate me, it wasn't true but I lived for years thinking it was. When in hospital I was severely victimized, nothing major, but repeated on a daily basis 24/7 by many people. Due to this I had lived numb for many years but reliving the anger every day. I honestly think now that the anger has overwhelmed my senses and is too much for me to bear.

It's a poor prognosis, but like I said, I don't want to lie to myself, because I don't find that helpful.

I did suspect as much because of what you said, but didn't want to pry.

There are lots of safe places to talk at Pandys, a lot of the parts of the forum are closed off and specific to situations that people have been through.

It's good that you want to be open about what happened, I think that's the hardest part of recovery.

I wish you luck.

[failingsanity04]

Thanks :)

[ankietyjoe]

It's worth mentioning that it's common for people who suffer abuse to become confused about memories. Part of the process can involve creating alternate realities and personalities to help deal with something they should never have had to deal with. Part of a good therapists job who specialises in trauma is to help create an accurate timeline of the past.

Feel free to Pm me here if you need to. I hate to think of anybody dealing with what you are dealing with alone. As I said before, Pandys is the place really, but it might take you a while to get settled in there.