irat
14-01-18, 23:10
For the last couple of years, I have been utterly petrified of HIV. I'd say it has crossed my mind at least once an hour for the last 2 years and 4 months. Statistically, the chances of me having it were alwaysridiculously small, and none of the science would support the hypothesis that I had contracted HIV.
But some brains work in funny ways. And mine is an example of a brain that immediately believes the worst possible outcome. And I'm sure there are many many many more out there who have wrapped themselves in a similar web of self-loathing and utter panic. The advent of Dr Google is good, but it can also do some terrible things for our mental health.
The solution the whole time was simple: test. Test and set yourself free. It's hugely important on so many levels to know your HIV status. For your own health, for your sexual partner's health. For the sake of the NHS. I am so glad I got tested. I can literally feel a part of my brain resuming activity. It feels strange not carrying around the fear I had been carrying before; it has literally given me a headache as my brain tries to decide how to reallocate this space.
I had ALL the symptoms. Absolutely text book seroconversion illness. Fever, sore throat, swollen glands, night sweats, stomach discomfort, everything. Doctor's presumed it was glandular fever, but tests never confirmed the presence of the EBV (which it should for glandular fever). Classic ARS. Of course, after a couple of weeks I was back on my feet again, and the doctor was quite content.Then about a year after this, I came out in a weird rash that wouldn't go away for like 2 weeks. Seemed like some sort of bacterial infection (to me). And it always got worse in the sun. OBVIOUSLY my immune system was compromised.
From the moment of my "glandular fever" my brain had convinced myself I was carrying HIV. But I wasn't brave enough to test. I was being cowardly. However, over the last few months I've been having some stomach issues, which are pretty non-specific, and the internet didn't really help me link it to HIV. The doctor did suggest a CBC test for me though, I think just to get an idea if anything was going on, blood-wise (obviously lol). I was told by the nurse who carried out the blood test that it was very much a case of "no news is good news".
Of course, having had the blood test on Monday, first thing on Tuesday I got a call from the doctor. My white blood cell count was low, and she wanted me to come in so she could feel my lymph nodes. AHHHHH! My brain went in to overdrive. I couldn't cope. This was it. My worst fears realised. Why me? Why me?!! That's exactly what HIV does - it attacks white blood cells. Nooooo!
I went in for the doctor's appointment, and she said all my lymph nodes were normally and no cause for concern.
She did then say, "I would like to test you for HIV". My world was crumbling inwards. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, a very conservative, early twentys, heterosexual male. I looked at the statistics to such a deep level, that I knew that in my country of residence, there was only 32 males aged 15-24 who were HIV positive. That's essentially like 0% of the population. I was about to become a medical phenomenon.
The doctor eventually decided just to take the CBC again in 6 weeks time, and that we wouldn't test for HIV just yet (as I kind of freaked out when she suggested the HIV test). But the time was now - I needed to know. I would have no quality of life with this intense level of anxiety coursing through every fibre of my being, every second of the day. I had a second job interview for a pretty plush job that day, and I totally flunked it due to the unbearable mental tension I felt.
I did manage to summon the courage to order a HIV home test kit, which I had delivered to my family home, where I would have the test in the presence of my family so that I could receive immediate support from those closest to me when the test returned a positive result (and in my head, it was very much of WHEN not IF). I spoke to them on the day the doctor said about my low WBC, and they were all wonderfully supportive (did have to speak to my Mum about my sex-life though - not ideal).
So I went home yesterday, and I had the test. And, of course, it was a big fat NEGATIVE. Which it always has been. It was a crucifying 15 minutes waiting for the test to work, but during those 15 minutes, on a deep level I felt a sense of peace. The band aid had been ripped off, and life was going to move on.
HIV is the worst for health anxiety, as almost everything can be linked back to it. The anxiety can make your brain question everything - I was even questioning my ability to swallow at one point. But the chances are, going off the plethora of statistics out there, you don't have it, whoever you are who is out there searching for every piece of HIV research ever (which has been me for the last two years). But still, if the anxiety is as stressful and overbearing as what I was experiencing, you need to get tested. Now. Somehow. Make it happen.
I took the time to write this in the hope that someone who is currently going through a similar thing to what I went through, can find solace in it. You will be alright regardless. You are a good person. But you need to put your mind to rest. You need to have the test.
'Thinking Fast and Slow' by Daniel Kahneman teaches a brilliant lesson in terms of this. Our brains are desperate to come up with a story that will justify our irrational way of thinking/catastrophising. But numbers matter. Statistics speak volumes. You are not special. You are overwhelmingly likely to be normal. You aren't the 1 in 100,000 shot. You are the 99,999 out of 100,000 shot. Our brains struggle to compute the true values of these numbers, but we must try.
Peace!
But some brains work in funny ways. And mine is an example of a brain that immediately believes the worst possible outcome. And I'm sure there are many many many more out there who have wrapped themselves in a similar web of self-loathing and utter panic. The advent of Dr Google is good, but it can also do some terrible things for our mental health.
The solution the whole time was simple: test. Test and set yourself free. It's hugely important on so many levels to know your HIV status. For your own health, for your sexual partner's health. For the sake of the NHS. I am so glad I got tested. I can literally feel a part of my brain resuming activity. It feels strange not carrying around the fear I had been carrying before; it has literally given me a headache as my brain tries to decide how to reallocate this space.
I had ALL the symptoms. Absolutely text book seroconversion illness. Fever, sore throat, swollen glands, night sweats, stomach discomfort, everything. Doctor's presumed it was glandular fever, but tests never confirmed the presence of the EBV (which it should for glandular fever). Classic ARS. Of course, after a couple of weeks I was back on my feet again, and the doctor was quite content.Then about a year after this, I came out in a weird rash that wouldn't go away for like 2 weeks. Seemed like some sort of bacterial infection (to me). And it always got worse in the sun. OBVIOUSLY my immune system was compromised.
From the moment of my "glandular fever" my brain had convinced myself I was carrying HIV. But I wasn't brave enough to test. I was being cowardly. However, over the last few months I've been having some stomach issues, which are pretty non-specific, and the internet didn't really help me link it to HIV. The doctor did suggest a CBC test for me though, I think just to get an idea if anything was going on, blood-wise (obviously lol). I was told by the nurse who carried out the blood test that it was very much a case of "no news is good news".
Of course, having had the blood test on Monday, first thing on Tuesday I got a call from the doctor. My white blood cell count was low, and she wanted me to come in so she could feel my lymph nodes. AHHHHH! My brain went in to overdrive. I couldn't cope. This was it. My worst fears realised. Why me? Why me?!! That's exactly what HIV does - it attacks white blood cells. Nooooo!
I went in for the doctor's appointment, and she said all my lymph nodes were normally and no cause for concern.
She did then say, "I would like to test you for HIV". My world was crumbling inwards. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, a very conservative, early twentys, heterosexual male. I looked at the statistics to such a deep level, that I knew that in my country of residence, there was only 32 males aged 15-24 who were HIV positive. That's essentially like 0% of the population. I was about to become a medical phenomenon.
The doctor eventually decided just to take the CBC again in 6 weeks time, and that we wouldn't test for HIV just yet (as I kind of freaked out when she suggested the HIV test). But the time was now - I needed to know. I would have no quality of life with this intense level of anxiety coursing through every fibre of my being, every second of the day. I had a second job interview for a pretty plush job that day, and I totally flunked it due to the unbearable mental tension I felt.
I did manage to summon the courage to order a HIV home test kit, which I had delivered to my family home, where I would have the test in the presence of my family so that I could receive immediate support from those closest to me when the test returned a positive result (and in my head, it was very much of WHEN not IF). I spoke to them on the day the doctor said about my low WBC, and they were all wonderfully supportive (did have to speak to my Mum about my sex-life though - not ideal).
So I went home yesterday, and I had the test. And, of course, it was a big fat NEGATIVE. Which it always has been. It was a crucifying 15 minutes waiting for the test to work, but during those 15 minutes, on a deep level I felt a sense of peace. The band aid had been ripped off, and life was going to move on.
HIV is the worst for health anxiety, as almost everything can be linked back to it. The anxiety can make your brain question everything - I was even questioning my ability to swallow at one point. But the chances are, going off the plethora of statistics out there, you don't have it, whoever you are who is out there searching for every piece of HIV research ever (which has been me for the last two years). But still, if the anxiety is as stressful and overbearing as what I was experiencing, you need to get tested. Now. Somehow. Make it happen.
I took the time to write this in the hope that someone who is currently going through a similar thing to what I went through, can find solace in it. You will be alright regardless. You are a good person. But you need to put your mind to rest. You need to have the test.
'Thinking Fast and Slow' by Daniel Kahneman teaches a brilliant lesson in terms of this. Our brains are desperate to come up with a story that will justify our irrational way of thinking/catastrophising. But numbers matter. Statistics speak volumes. You are not special. You are overwhelmingly likely to be normal. You aren't the 1 in 100,000 shot. You are the 99,999 out of 100,000 shot. Our brains struggle to compute the true values of these numbers, but we must try.
Peace!