Cgraham
15-01-18, 12:59
Hi guys.
I've been a follower of this forum for many many moons. I feel I should just share my experience and introduce myself as I've been a bit of a fly on the wall just reading everyone's advice and experience with pretty much everything.
I've suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Whether it was being unable to walk in to a classroom at school because of fear of people staring at me or having to get off of the bus going in to town due to fear of vomiting and making myself look a prat in front of everyone. I hid this for many many years until around the age of 17 I went to the doctors.
I was first dismissed as being an angst teen that was generally playing up to the stereotype and fashion trends at the time. ( at the time of me going to the doctors the emo craze was huge!) I was told everything from I have a throat infection to it all being in my head.
After a while I was prescribed citalopram. First put on 20mg but eventually upped to 30mg. I stayed on this for a good 9 years. In between this time I had got a girlfriend, had two children and had a very successful job.
Maybe it was naive but I was in a good place. I decided to stop my citalopram cold turkey. I felt I didn't need to depend on tablets anymore and that anything that I had would be manageable. Home life was good, my two girls were fantastic and my partner was pregnant with our third. (All girls may I add!!)
I came off citalopram in June 2017. Stopped cold turkey and thought I was doing okay. I had the usual withdrawal effects i.e. Brain zaps, dizzziness and increased anxiety. This disappeared after a month or two.
This is where it went wrong...
My daughter was born in October, I had taken paternity leave from work and welcomed our daughter in to our lives. I work as a car salesman so as you can probably imagine it's a rather stressful environment. Targets commission and bonus!
My daughter was born and I suddenly started waking up every morning with the usual panic attacks. Sweating, racing heart and intense nausea. This continued but eventually my mood started becoming troublesome. I would be snappy at my partner and children, I felt so lethargic and would just mope about. Our new born was diagnosed with an abscess which needed surgery and then meningitis within 2 weeks of each other. I couldn't go to work to earn money and I was having to look after the two children while my partner was in and out of hospital over a 3 week period!
I went back to the doctor knowing that I needed to go back on citalopram. I was prescribed 30mg again but as you are all aware had to build it up from 10 to 20 to 30. This was hell.
People talk about health anxiety on here saying they fear lumps and cancer etc. I had leg pain go a week on 10mg but then it would radiate around my body. In my head it was my lumpy nodes which, now looking back, was possible because of the amount of strsss I was under. I was sweating at night because of the medication and I was dry retching in the car on the way to work in my work bag. But the pains didn't subside. All day I would sit and frantically google what it could be. All it pointed to was lymphoma. I sat and read and read and read while I was in work. I couldn't focus I made myself panic thinking about it. I couldn't sell cars because I couldn't face talking to anyone. I self diagnosed that I had lymphoma. I focused all my time feeling lumps on my body and watching my weight decrease. I would sit at home on a night crying thinking who would look after my girls? How quickly will my partner move on? How many people will be at my funeral. This was all so real and I can't stress to you, fellow sufferers, how real and true it was at the time.
I decided I wouldn't have chemotherapy, I wanted to spend my last year as active as I could with my daughters. I took out a £300,000 life insurance policy. I would tell my partner what to do when I die and how I want my funeral. She was so spooked because she has never really seen me in this state. When I first met her I was on medication for a fair few years so I was okay. I would have the occcasional panic attack or something but nothing to this extent.
The health anxiety continued for 4 weeks until I was up to my 30mg dose and just about now, over two weeks after, I can look back and say that my life is back on track.
My message to you all is, you can beat whatever you're going through. Citalopram is crap for those first few months but it does help. By no means is it a cure but you can become rational, you can talk yourself around and you can start living again.
I've snipped a lot of the story out just to give you the basics but believe me, if you met me in the pub or in a cafe you would not believe what is possible for people to go through. I am a very confident sales person by day. Family man by night but if I let my mind take over I can be a crumbling wreck within days.
Good luck to you all and it's lovely to meet you all.
I've been a follower of this forum for many many moons. I feel I should just share my experience and introduce myself as I've been a bit of a fly on the wall just reading everyone's advice and experience with pretty much everything.
I've suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember. Whether it was being unable to walk in to a classroom at school because of fear of people staring at me or having to get off of the bus going in to town due to fear of vomiting and making myself look a prat in front of everyone. I hid this for many many years until around the age of 17 I went to the doctors.
I was first dismissed as being an angst teen that was generally playing up to the stereotype and fashion trends at the time. ( at the time of me going to the doctors the emo craze was huge!) I was told everything from I have a throat infection to it all being in my head.
After a while I was prescribed citalopram. First put on 20mg but eventually upped to 30mg. I stayed on this for a good 9 years. In between this time I had got a girlfriend, had two children and had a very successful job.
Maybe it was naive but I was in a good place. I decided to stop my citalopram cold turkey. I felt I didn't need to depend on tablets anymore and that anything that I had would be manageable. Home life was good, my two girls were fantastic and my partner was pregnant with our third. (All girls may I add!!)
I came off citalopram in June 2017. Stopped cold turkey and thought I was doing okay. I had the usual withdrawal effects i.e. Brain zaps, dizzziness and increased anxiety. This disappeared after a month or two.
This is where it went wrong...
My daughter was born in October, I had taken paternity leave from work and welcomed our daughter in to our lives. I work as a car salesman so as you can probably imagine it's a rather stressful environment. Targets commission and bonus!
My daughter was born and I suddenly started waking up every morning with the usual panic attacks. Sweating, racing heart and intense nausea. This continued but eventually my mood started becoming troublesome. I would be snappy at my partner and children, I felt so lethargic and would just mope about. Our new born was diagnosed with an abscess which needed surgery and then meningitis within 2 weeks of each other. I couldn't go to work to earn money and I was having to look after the two children while my partner was in and out of hospital over a 3 week period!
I went back to the doctor knowing that I needed to go back on citalopram. I was prescribed 30mg again but as you are all aware had to build it up from 10 to 20 to 30. This was hell.
People talk about health anxiety on here saying they fear lumps and cancer etc. I had leg pain go a week on 10mg but then it would radiate around my body. In my head it was my lumpy nodes which, now looking back, was possible because of the amount of strsss I was under. I was sweating at night because of the medication and I was dry retching in the car on the way to work in my work bag. But the pains didn't subside. All day I would sit and frantically google what it could be. All it pointed to was lymphoma. I sat and read and read and read while I was in work. I couldn't focus I made myself panic thinking about it. I couldn't sell cars because I couldn't face talking to anyone. I self diagnosed that I had lymphoma. I focused all my time feeling lumps on my body and watching my weight decrease. I would sit at home on a night crying thinking who would look after my girls? How quickly will my partner move on? How many people will be at my funeral. This was all so real and I can't stress to you, fellow sufferers, how real and true it was at the time.
I decided I wouldn't have chemotherapy, I wanted to spend my last year as active as I could with my daughters. I took out a £300,000 life insurance policy. I would tell my partner what to do when I die and how I want my funeral. She was so spooked because she has never really seen me in this state. When I first met her I was on medication for a fair few years so I was okay. I would have the occcasional panic attack or something but nothing to this extent.
The health anxiety continued for 4 weeks until I was up to my 30mg dose and just about now, over two weeks after, I can look back and say that my life is back on track.
My message to you all is, you can beat whatever you're going through. Citalopram is crap for those first few months but it does help. By no means is it a cure but you can become rational, you can talk yourself around and you can start living again.
I've snipped a lot of the story out just to give you the basics but believe me, if you met me in the pub or in a cafe you would not believe what is possible for people to go through. I am a very confident sales person by day. Family man by night but if I let my mind take over I can be a crumbling wreck within days.
Good luck to you all and it's lovely to meet you all.