anneb
30-06-07, 00:17
Hi everyone. I've visited this site a few times, but only just registered. I'm a 43 yr old mum of one. I had panic attacks since my early twenties. They've tended to come in phases - usually around big transition points - leaving home, new jobs, end of relationships etc - which you'd probably expect. They were always associated with transport (usually trains) and triggered by delays in the journey. At first, the panic would hit about five minutes short of the destination. Fortunately, I could always maintain the appearance of normality in spite of the horrible feelings. It would also go away as soon as I got of the train, so I could carry on with work or whatever as if nothing had happened. Naturally, the rotten things escalated - starting earlier on in the journey. I started getting off a stop early and taking a cab to my destination and before very long it was a cab all the way there (an expensive option!). Then the attacks started hitting in traffic jams, in shops, in queues, all the usual places. With a young child, I had no option of avoiding these places, so I just had to grin and bear it. Eventually, just as inexplicably as they began, the panic attacks went away and I had a couple of great years of normal life.
Now, unfortunately, I'm back in another phase of them - it started early last year and it is really grinding me down. The first one hit a couple of days after my dad died. I thought I knew these wretched things inside out but this one beyond anything. It peaked in seconds from derealisation (which I thought I'd learned to cope with) to the most intense, unbearable terror -shuddering, screaming, vomiting, all that good stuff - it lasted at that level for a couple of hours and only started to subside when someone gave me valium. Even taking it, I didn't get back to functional normality until I got back home a week later. Thankfully, I haven't had one quite that bad since, but some have been pretty close. I get one at least every two weeks - sometimes more. The rest of the time I'm either jumpy or exhausted. I'm doing all those stupid things that just serve the panic - my poor partner is now my "safe person". I can't go anywhere without a mobile phone and a valium. I've had to leave conventional employment (fortunately, my work can be done on a freelance basis). Taking my child to school is an ordeal. I run home, collapse with relief then spend the rest of the day dreading three o'clock when I have to go out again. Sorry for rambling on, but it's good to be able to tell this to people who know what it's like.
Now, unfortunately, I'm back in another phase of them - it started early last year and it is really grinding me down. The first one hit a couple of days after my dad died. I thought I knew these wretched things inside out but this one beyond anything. It peaked in seconds from derealisation (which I thought I'd learned to cope with) to the most intense, unbearable terror -shuddering, screaming, vomiting, all that good stuff - it lasted at that level for a couple of hours and only started to subside when someone gave me valium. Even taking it, I didn't get back to functional normality until I got back home a week later. Thankfully, I haven't had one quite that bad since, but some have been pretty close. I get one at least every two weeks - sometimes more. The rest of the time I'm either jumpy or exhausted. I'm doing all those stupid things that just serve the panic - my poor partner is now my "safe person". I can't go anywhere without a mobile phone and a valium. I've had to leave conventional employment (fortunately, my work can be done on a freelance basis). Taking my child to school is an ordeal. I run home, collapse with relief then spend the rest of the day dreading three o'clock when I have to go out again. Sorry for rambling on, but it's good to be able to tell this to people who know what it's like.