elik
22-01-18, 15:22
I will play out a thought until my mind has decided there is nothing more I can pick apart from it. However, when certain obsessions and thoughts actually impact on my life and others around me in an obvious way, I am panicked and it pulls me further in. Where things have got so bad and no one would know (apart from my best friend who I have pulled away from and my parents) I don't know how to overcome it. I rarely talk about my illness but there will be times I will have a melt down and it will be fairly obvious in my exterior (only with my parents) and this gives me a ridiculous amount of guilt. Unfortunately, they don't understand it and they see it for what it is. When I'm smiling they think I am good etc and this is incredibly gut wrenching for me because I go through SO much suffering undercover and the effort I put into ensuring I am affecting them in the least amount of way is pretty immense. This makes me very internally frustrated when this isn't understood and I find myself just flailing on the spot because I am paralysed for how I should act. Do I smile and let them think I am fine while continuing on miserably? Is this just what I have to do. (I do genuinely get a better feeling from putting on a brave face) but this makes me feel so set apart from others and so misunderstood. It also means that I am having to hide 90% of what I am feeling most of the time which does not form a good basis for any relationship. For instance, if I haven't done anything at the weekend I will say this but beat myself up for it because if I felt in the right mind I wouldn't do this, so I am not representing ME. Everyday I want to cry and break down and I keep going for fear of there not being a good answer and a hell a lot of regret. I live completely on the basis of survival. I can feel genuine contentment and happiness momentarily in the day but this is purely driven from being in control of my anxiety (successfully keeping someone happy for another day so I can breathe for a second) - It's not real. It's just containment of my horrendous state which I am scarily so used to that sometimes I don't even recognize how dominated my life is by my illness. The worst of worst things is that I have tried everything, therapy, hypnotherapy, medication, a hospital stay etc and I'm still here, battling and wondering what I can possibly do to help myself when I am downright petrified of how weak and lost I feel. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to have to live my entire life by the step by step rule and feeling stressed to calm myself to feel stressed again. It means I stay exactly where I am. I doubt I will marry and I've known for so long that I will not have kids. That's so hurtful in itself. I won't have kids because of this. Even if I miraculously felt better, I know how much I can become debilitated and I struggle to allow people near me that are there too look after me let alone try and look after people who depend on me. I can't even do that for a friend at the moment. Do you see how this builds so much inner self hatred? Its completely overwhelming. Even more so that I feel besides myself but I have smiled to the next person on from me in the library and you would never know. The next question is how do I act when I get home? Do I let them in (i freeze so i wont talk) and be sad just so I can spare feeling so alone with this for a moment or do I act smiley and 'me' (most likely, and it does do me some good) - but that's another day with nothing being done. I hate how momentary every day is and how I can't move forward without questioning my capability in maintaining my head in anything. I can't even make new acquaintances now and this kills me because its one thing i love doing, making people happy and doing things for them and I can hardly hold a conversation without crumbling from within. What has happened to me?!