Advice needed.Girlfriend with depression/anxiety.

[Wb3689]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years.
She has anxiety and depression.
I love and care about her so much and can't bear to see her hurt or upset in any way. However, we just aren't making each other happy. My gut instinct is that we are just not right for each other and I need to end it. But then I think of her sat alone in her house and I just can't bring myself to do it.
She says often how much she needs me and I'm afraid of what she'd do if I wasn't there anymore.
We do have some good times and I'd miss her so much but part of me just feels like my life is passing me by and I'm with the wrong girl.
Really difficult situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated
Many thanks.

[lior]

Hi

You're right, this is a difficult situation.
I had a boyfriend that left me at the height of my depression. He did it in a really bad way and it made things much worse for me.
I had another boyfriend leave me during a time of anxiety before I realised it was anxiety. He did it in a very nice way and we remained friends. Though I was devastated he left me, he wasn't disadvantaging my mental health.

You can leave and do it in a nice way. You can still be a supportive friend to her, with limits, after you break up.
If you aren't careful, you might end up seriously hurting her. If you are her only support, and you decide to stop talking to her altogether, that might affect her very badly.

People recover from depression. If you are thinking about leaving her just because she is depressed, would you consider talking to her about your emotions?

The boyfriend that left me in the bad way was not looking after his own mental health.
In life, we are not responsible wholly for anyone's emotions but our own. In all this situation, it's important that you look after your mental health. Depression is much more than unhappiness with a relationship.

It is possible to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed and to look after yourself at the same time. Things might have to change between you - for example, perhaps you'd both start to take better responsibility for your own mental health.

Therapy is incredibly useful. It's not fair for a depressed person to rely on one other person for support, who isn't trained as a mental health professional. I found that I was able to keep my friendships by not over-burdening one friend, but by spreading my need to talk about things across several people. Can you encourage your girlfriend to go to therapy, whether or not you leave her?

If your gut feeling is that you're with the wrong girl, beyond her mental health problems, then it surely would be better for both of you to leave. It's not kind to stay with someone out of pity. If you leave, you're giving her a chance to find someone that values her for her.

Good communication can make you much happier in all your relationships. If you're probably going to leave anyway, could you have a go at talking to her about what's making you unhappy? Then you'd be giving her a fair chance to try and fix things (for example, her relying on you so heavily is pressure you can't cope with). And then if you still want to leave, she'd fully understand why.

If you're leaving just because she's depressed and you would prefer to party, and you withdraw support from her after you leave, that would demonstrate that you'd be a very unsupportive person. It's up to you whether you value 'being there' for people or not.

Since that time, since those boyfriends left me, I have learnt to not over-burden friends or lovers, and my relationships have been much better. If I have a problem, rather than just ending the relationship, I talk to them about it and we try to fix things together. I've had lovers with mental health problems, and I've been able to draw boundaries to stop them from hurting me.

[Wb3689]

Hi

You're right, this is a difficult situation.
I had a boyfriend that left me at the height of my depression. He did it in a really bad way and it made things much worse for me.
I had another boyfriend leave me during a time of anxiety before I realised it was anxiety. He did it in a very nice way and we remained friends. Though I was devastated he left me, he wasn't disadvantaging my mental health.

You can leave and do it in a nice way. You can still be a supportive friend to her, with limits, after you break up.
If you aren't careful, you might end up seriously hurting her. If you are her only support, and you decide to stop talking to her altogether, that might affect her very badly.


People recover from depression. If you are thinking about leaving her just because she is depressed, would you consider talking to her about your emotions?

The boyfriend that left me in the bad way was not looking after his own mental health.
In life, we are not responsible wholly for anyone's emotions but our own. In all this situation, it's important that you look after your mental health. Depression is much more than unhappiness with a relationship.

It is possible to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed and to look after yourself at the same time. Things might have to change between you - for example, perhaps you'd both start to take better responsibility for your own mental health.

Therapy is incredibly useful. It's not fair for a depressed person to rely on one other person for support, who isn't trained as a mental health professional. I found that I was able to keep my friendships by not over-burdening one friend, but by spreading my need to talk about things across several people. Can you encourage your girlfriend to go to therapy, whether or not you leave her?

If your gut feeling is that you're with the wrong girl, beyond her mental health problems, then it surely would be better for both of you to leave. It's not kind to stay with someone out of pity. If you leave, you're giving her a chance to find someone that values her for her.

Good communication can make you much happier in all your relationships. If you're probably going to leave anyway, could you have a go at talking to her about what's making you unhappy? Then you'd be giving her a fair chance to try and fix things (for example, her relying on you so heavily is pressure you can't cope with). And then if you still want to leave, she'd fully understand why.

If you're leaving just because she's depressed and you would prefer to party, and you withdraw support from her after you leave, that would demonstrate that you'd be a very unsupportive person. It's up to you whether you value 'being there' for people or not.

Since that time, since those boyfriends left me, I have learnt to not over-burden friends or lovers, and my relationships have been much better. If I have a problem, rather than just ending the relationship, I talk to them about it and we try to fix things together. I've had lovers with mental health problems, and I've been able to draw boundaries to stop them from hurting me.

Thanks for your reply.
I think my biggest problem is that I'm very confused about what I want.
She is the only girl I've had a serious relationship with. I wouldn't just stay with her out of pity. I love her so much. Would be hard to live without her in my life now.
My biggest concern is that she gets so worked up about tiny things sometimes. It just feels like every tiny thing I do or say pisses her off.
She drinks alcohol to relax herself but then I worry about her health and we argue about her alcohol consumption.
i just don't want us to grow to resent each other as we get older and part of me feels like that is what would happen.
I know people on here can't give me the answer for what I should do but I just needed to share it with someone.
Many thanks

[lior]

Do you have friends that you can talk to about this?

The things you said - that it feels like every small thing you do pisses her off, and that she's wound up about tiny things, and that you're really worried about her - can you talk to her about it in a serious conversation?
Timing is important.
And being honest about how you feel is important.
It might help if you have a think about what you'd like to say, write down some bullet points. Have it handy when you talk.
Maybe you could tell her that you'd like to talk about something important, a few hours in advance, so that she's prepared to have a serious conversation with you.

I'm not married, I haven't been in a relationship longer than 2 years, but from what I can see, pretty much every long term relationship includes getting on each others nerves, and disagreements. The way to handle it and not hate each other is by talking about things. Perhaps resentments happen when there's a lack of communication?

On the alcohol thing - it might not help if you talk to her about it. She might need to go to therapy to talk about things. You can't control what she consumes. It's her business what she does to her body, even if it's bad for her.

[Wb3689]

I don't really discuss her depression with anyone. She doesn't like me to. She's very good at putting a brave face on and nobody even really knows about it other Me and her family.
We've had numerous serious conversations but she can't help being that way with me unfortunately.
It worries me when she's really down and says things like she's not bothered if she lives or not. It just makes me think I'm not making her happy and she'd be better with someone else. She says it's not about me but surely if she was with the right person she'd be excited for our future?
I don't know. I still don't fully understand depression and it's hard for me to get my head round. She's a stunning girl, has a boyfriend and family that love her, we have money and the oppurtunity for an awesome life but she isn't happy and it's making me unhappy as a result.
Sometimes I'll go out with female mates and have such a laugh and just think
It would be easier and way less stress. But like I said I love her and would miss her. Just so confused about what's best for us both

[Fishmanpa]

My ex wife suffered from depression which manifested itself into hoarding. We went to counseling and the therapist wanted to see us separately. She went for a couple of sessions and quit. I knew then it was over.

My experience has taught me that while you can encourage and support a loved one with mental illness, it's still up to the individual to help themselves. Suffice it to say, had she pursued therapy and was making a concerted effort to help herself, things may have turned out differently.

Ultimately, that's what you're facing IMO. If she's not in therapy or on meds, perhaps that's a discussion to have.

Good luck and as always...

Positive thoughts

[ankietyjoe]

Thanks for your reply.
I think my biggest problem is that I'm very confused about what I want.
She is the only girl I've had a serious relationship with. I wouldn't just stay with her out of pity. I love her so much. Would be hard to live without her in my life now.
My biggest concern is that she gets so worked up about tiny things sometimes. It just feels like every tiny thing I do or say pisses her off.
She drinks alcohol to relax herself but then I worry about her health and we argue about her alcohol consumption.
i just don't want us to grow to resent each other as we get older and part of me feels like that is what would happen.
I know people on here can't give me the answer for what I should do but I just needed to share it with someone.
Many thanks

This is a problem.

I stayed with somebody once that had similar problems to your girlfriend, and ultimately it cost me some of my own mental health.

I would suggest to her that you find it impossible to stay with somebody who drinks medicinally. There is no happy outcome to that, trust me.

As much as she might need you right now, you cannot sacrifice your own health in looking after her. I have seen this from both sides, and it never works.

Drinking will sustain depression indefinitely.

[Wb3689]

Hiya,
Yeah she takes something for her anxiety
Begins with MIT I think
It takes the edge off her a little but it just makes her sleep all the time and I hate that we sit in wasting days sleeping.
Plus in the long run it's just masking the problem.
Think some form of therapy would help her but don't know if she'd do it

---------- Post added at 18:43 ---------- Previous post was at 18:40 ----------


This is a problem.

I stayed with somebody once that had similar problems to your girlfriend, and ultimately it cost me some of my own mental health.

I would suggest to her that you find it impossible to stay with somebody who drinks medicinally. There is no happy outcome to that, trust me.

As much as she might need you right now, you cannot sacrifice your own health in looking after her. I have seen this from both sides, and it never works.

Drinking will sustain depression indefinitely.

I know
This is what we argue about the most to be honest
She won't go anywhere without drinking vodka.
I want us to be able to have a family and get old together but it is so difficult to get her to stop drinking and when she does stop she's miserable and I find it difficult to relax around her

[ankietyjoe]

My experience is that people who drink like that always have a reason why they need to.

I would imagine that taking the booze away would resolve a lot of the other problems (eventually), but it's chicken and egg.

I don't think you could (or should) stay in a relationship with somebody who has a drinking problem, it's just too destructive.

I think that people who haven't lived with it underestimate just how corrosive it is, because booze is legal.