View Full Version : Chez Eibhlin
Hello all,
There are thoughts inside my head that I want to get out and I feel that sharing them on here might help a little.
I am sitting here in front of the pc, it is 1pm and I still have my nightclothes on. It is Monday and mondays aren't my favourite day as I see the void of a full week stretching out in front of me.
My anxiety is pretty high, high enough to make me turn to tranquillsers again. I didn't take any on Friday or Saturday but caved in yesterday as I felt I couldn't even breathe with the weight of the anxiety and fear that I was carrying. I have been trying to Claire Weekes method of 'floating' with the panic but it is so, so hard to do. I have been like this for over 20 years now and I am exhausted. Over the last year and a half, I have for the first time lost the will/spirit to pick myself up and carry on. I feel like I reached the end of the road and all that is there is a huge brick wall and I can't go any further.
I take quite a bit of medication and I do ask myself why I take them, other that my psychiatrist prescribing them for me. The only meds that help me are tranquillsers and my doc wants to wean me off them. I have been through tranquillser withdrawal before and it was sheer hell. I don't have any strength left to deal with this anymore.
I am starting some voluntary work next week and everyone says 'isn't that great?' and I have no idea why it is 'great', it just means I am incapable of holding onto a real full time job like the rest of the world.
People say to me 'well done' for surviving a bad panic attack - but what other option had I? Not to survive it? How can you not survive something that isn't capable of harming you in any real way? Has anyone ever heard of someone who didn't 'survive' a panic attack?
I feel so, so lonely. I feel invisible and often wonder why I am in this world. Why do we have to be in a world that we didn't choose to be in? And we are supposed to be happy and thankful that we are alive? Why? I didn't ask to be admitted to this world, none of us did, so what is all the rejoicing about being alive and on this earth about?
Ok I realise I suffer from depression, that my thought process is 'warped' but there is a part of me that believes that the way a depressed person sees the world is the only authentic view of it.
Eibhlin
Hi Eibhlin,
I am starting some voluntary work next week and everyone says 'isn't that great?' and I have no idea why it is 'great', it just means I am incapable of holding onto a real full time job like the rest of the world.
This is to be applauded. You are making the first steps that will see you back into a full time job if you want it.
I know what you mean about the "floating" thing. If I understand it correctly you can replace the term "floating" with "relaxing". I know it is hard to relax but she mentions doing your best to realx. Even relaxing your mental attitude to it.
I was going to add a response to your other thread about the driving but I might as well just add to this one.
Remember that you are unlikely to make an instant recovery. I've not heard of anyone making an instant recovery although I have that some have. (Not sure I fully believe it myself. If they did then their problems must have been caught very early on in my opinion).
It will take a bit of time and it won't be a straight line recovery. By this I mean that you will have ups and downs. Throw away the calendar and don't look at how long "it" has been with you.
Focus on doing things in smaller chunks. Each task can always be broken down into many smaller, more manageable steps.
I think the key stuff to do is get some daily exercise (in the form of a walk in the park maybe?), get some distraction in the company of others (which is why your voluntary job is a brilliant move) and set aside some time every day to relax.
Hope this helps.
Cheers,
Trev
groovygranny
02-07-07, 16:33
Hello Eibhlin
So, so sorry you are really down. Not sure anything I have to say will help you but I felt so much for you I had to respond.
People say to me 'well done' for surviving a bad panic attack - but what other option had I? Not to survive it? How can you not survive something that isn't capable of harming you in any real way? Has anyone ever heard of someone who didn't 'survive' a panic attack?
Eibhlin
You're very right here, pa's can't harm us in themselves - but I suppose they could put us at risk of other things that could depending on the circumstances.
I know that when I read of someone 'surviving', or coming through the other side of, a panic attack then I share the positiveness of that. It encourages me and I really do feel joy for that person. And feeling joy lifts my spirits.
I could say to you don't feel lonely or invisible and that wouldn't make any difference to how you feel. But when I say "please,don't feel lonely or invisible because I know how much you are valued here on NMP", then hopefully that might encourage you a little and just possibly introduce a little light into your present darkness. Surely the very fact that you've posted your feelings here is a positive step in itself?
No, none of us chose to be here - some more than others. But we are here and so we might as well try and enjoy the ride and make the most of it even if it is a b****y hard slog. I don't mean to sound flippant, and I wouldn't dare to minimise the agony you're feeling at the moment- because I know that's what it is - so I hope you don't take it like that.
And your thought processes aren't warped - they're just different, like we are all different. I am starting some voluntary work next week and everyone says 'isn't that great?' and I have no idea why it is 'great', it just means I am incapable of holding onto a real full time job like the rest of the world. You see this as a negative because you aren't going to work full-time, but I see it as a positive because you're going to work at all!! And I'm sure I'm not the only one who'll be thinking this.
Not sure if I'm making much sense here but I so much want to reassure you and encourage you.
Anyway, here are a few hugs from me:hugs::hugs::hugs:
XXX
Thanks Trev and GG for your posts.
I do realise that posting such negative threads like this doesn't help other members who are already feeling down and I apologise for that.
I am just feeling very disappointed as I have been on the anti depressant that used to keep me well for nearly three months now and it isn't working at all this time. I had such high hopes that it would bring me out of this depression dungeon I am in. I feel quite directionless now as to what to do about it. I do spend far too much time on my own and I know that is bad for me but I can't even muster the energy to get out of my bathrobe and get dressed.
My psychiatrist wants me to try another anti depressant and I have just lost hope at this stage.
Thanks to those who have sent me pms too.
Eibhlin
groovygranny
02-07-07, 21:32
Oh, Eibhlin
You don't ever need to apologise for posting what is from your heart - nobody does.
And we are all in the same boat here. Here to help, support and listen to one another.
Your post may seem negative to you (understandable given the way you are feeling) but the fact that you managed to post at all is what matters.
Don't know if this is helpful, (but it helped me), take one small step at a time. Make getting up and dressed your primary goal. I agree with Trev here - I'm all for 'small, slow' steps when there seems so much to think about. Then when you have cracked that one move on to something else. Small things but in the same direction - forward.
Gradually build up your strength and resolve little by little - then you might find you're strong enough to try that new anti-d.
Few more hugs for you :hugs::hugs::hugs:
You've got every right to post negative threads.....that's what we are here for. :D We have some sense of what you are going through and can relate to your frustrations.
You can turn the corner and make progress. At my worst I couldn't look after myself at all. I was incapable of cooking or even making a cup of tea. I couldn't work out what order you had to do things to make the tea!! :shrug:. It seems daft to me now, but there you go. Much as I'd like not to admit it ever happened, I was totally dependent on others to feed me (not that I ate more than a few spoonfuls at each meal!) and to get me up out of bed. I had lots ot time off work.....months.
I'm not telling you all of this for any sympathy or anything like that, it's purely to let you know that you can turn the situation around. It's never hopeless.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. I found recovery to be generally a very gradual thing. Sometimes you might make a leap forward and then your hopes get trashed by "dropping back" as you see it.
If it is possible, do try to spend time with others, I found it did help in the long run. I stress "in the long run"!! At first it made me worse because I felt pathetic, a shell, and not my "old self". But hey, what can you do? Accept you will feel sh*t alot of the time at first and may even feel worse doing things.
IN THE LONG RUN THOUGH RECOVERY DOES COME FROM DOING THINGS.
Doing things gives you confidence.
It's great and very couragous of you to do the voluntary work. Don't underestimate your achievements.
Great big steps are not always the best way to progress. Small steps are good and remember one thing, they are still steps forward!!!
A small thing, but I really did find a daily walk outside a massive help. If you are ok with this, I'd strongly suggest it. If you can take an ipod with some Claire Weekes or Meg on it then that would be all the better!!
One thing that helped me also was to keep reminding myself THOUGHTS = FEELINGS.
Also remember the length of time you have suffered does not dictate if you can recover. It just means you have more memory built up and so your body things it should react in the same way as before. Changing thought patterns can be a slow process but it can be done. :D
Well this evening was the first time I got dressed and went out since Saturday night. I went to a cafe to eat and then called to my parents' home.
My parents and my sister's homes are the only people I have to visit, I froze out any friends I had years ago. God I would love so much to have someone to go to the pub with or to go to the cinema with, any sort to social life at all would do. I saw a girl I used to be friends with in a local shop the other night and she is a really nice person, but I hovered around the food aisles until she had paid for her things and left. I don't know, I guess I am afraid of being judged or of having people in my life that will disrupt my busy life of sleeping, watching tv and eating :chained:
I have been taking bromazepam daily since Sunday as I am sick to death of the fear and the anxiety and the terrifying panic attacks, I just want a break from it all - preferably forever.
It is truly said that the quality of people in your life is far more important than the quantity - but if you have no quantity to begin with then you can have no quality, can you?
I really appreciate the great people I have met on nmp and you are all gems, some of you are much younger than me but way more mature than I am.
My main stumbling block with getting to know new people is what to say when they ask what I do for living? I would usually lie and say I work for my brother (he is a draugtsman) and that was true up to a year and a half a go. But I am sick of putting on this fake persona with people, I want to say the truth and then I will gain real friends as they will accept that I don't work due to mental health problems. What do other people who don't work say when asked what you do for a living? I would honestly be very interested to know. I want to be honest with people. I used to have two good friends, or so I thought, but when I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for depression, I never saw them again, they cut me off completely.
I really hate myself right now, I had such great aspirations for myself when I was younger but here I am now living in a voluntary housing house, on disability benefit and with debts up to my eyeballs and a credit rating in the toilet. No special person in my life and no friends.
How do I get out of this hole I have dug myself into ?
Eibhlin
groovygranny
03-07-07, 22:35
First things first - WELL DONE EIBHLIN !! :yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:
Not just one step - but three, wow!!!! And all in the same direction - forward!!!! You have already started to get yourself out of that hole!
Next step - be yourself !
I've never met you and we haven't corresponded, but by reading your post here, and elsewhere on the site, I get the impression you are a person I should very much like to get to know!
I know you'll say it's safe to be yourself on here, and I wouldn't disagree with that. In fact I'll stick my rapidly wrinkling turkey neck out (it's an age 'thing' !) and say that most people here would agree with that!!
It's no crime to be unable to work at the moment because of your present situation and health issues. What makes it so different than being incapacitated because you have a broken leg or some visible debilitating disease?
The problem is not with you Eibhlin, it's with anyone who would think adversely about the reasons for your not working.
I've had to learn, very recently, that being myself brings such freedom and satisfaction - and I'm still learning and probably will always be!!
I'm always banging on about honesty - with oneself and others, but I really do believe that that is the way to go. But I'm not that daft or beguiled enough to think it's an easy shot. It certainly isn't, and can be extremely challenging. But I have proved to myself that it works, not always with the outcome I would anticipate or even want, but like I said before, the freedom of knowing you're being honest is very liberating.
You're on the road to liberation from this anx - and it may be a long one frought with potholes and humps and bumps.....but you've already taken the first steps.....and we're all here to help each other on that journey ok? And when you're well on the way, you'll find the strength and direction to start sorting your other problems out......but for now, easy does it eh?!
big hugs for you, keep posting!
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
oh! just found your PM - thanks! xx
Well I kind of knew this would happen and it did.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 10am this morning and I have been dreading the 60 miles round trip on my own.
My sister and brothers are all working this morning so I ended up bottling out of going to the appointment altogether.
I don't know what I will do now - in fairness the pills I were taking weren't doing me a damn bit of good so there is no loss on that account.
Great thing about agoraphobia is that you are too afraid to go to your doctor appointments :wacko:
Otherwise I have spent the week mostly in bed. Did do the grocery shopping fro my mother yesterday and that left me exhausted.
I had planned to do a car boot sale on Sunday, tis doubltful whether me or the weather will be up to it.
Family are going to go mad when I tell them I didn't go to the doctor's appointment.
I have just woken up and I would give anyting to be able to sleep the day and the night away - I just don't want to face life and this world at all.
Eibhlin
groovygranny
06-07-07, 15:39
Hi Eibhlin,
Don't let this hiccup rob you of the success you had earlier in the week.
And the one you had yesterday by doing your mum's shopping! I also do my mum's shopping for her (another story!).
Is there any way you could re-schedule your appointment so that your sister or brothers could take you when they're free?
I missed my cancer smear on Wednesday morning - primarily because I forgot all about it cos I had other things on my mind, but I had toyed with the idea of cancelling it altogether because I hate it so much. But I've re-booked the appointment for another time and I will go - because if I don't I know I'll only be putting off what I know I have to do for my own wellbeing.
I know there are many times we don't want to face the world, but we must in order to do the best we can for ourselves. And you owe it to yourself Eibhlin.
Yes your family might be a bit annoyed at first, but be honest with them and tell them how you feel and hopefully you'll be surprised at how they may understand - just be yourself.
And you start your voluntary work next week don't you?
You're still on the right road Eibhlin, but it's b****y hard work staying on it - and we're all here to help you ok?
Big hugs for you :hugs::hugs::hugs:
:flowers:
Hi Eib bud,
I've just caught up with this thread and am sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Have some hugs for starters. :)
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
The reason I'm so proud of you for putting yourself forward for voluntary work is that it shows strength, determination and courage. As Trev says there isn't an instant recovery but you're tackling your problems in just the right way. Having read the thread I can see the improvement you've made since first posting. Despite feeling rough you've kept going by doing your mum's groceries, making an effort to get dressed, going to a cafe and calling round to see family.
When you tell me you've felt panicky and I say I'm proud you've come through it the reason I say this is because you keep going. It's so easy to hide away but you've shown that you're carrying on with things and that's why I'm proud.
Don't be too hard on yourself bud, you're doing brilliantly and going about things in just the right way. Reading Claire Weekes and posting on here shows you're doing positive things.
Take care,
Thanks GG and Nibs and all for posting.
Nothing new to report only that I am still holed up at home in bed and only going out when nescesary. My brother and sister in law called yesterday and I was in bed. I was embarrassed because of answering the door in my bathrobe and the week's worth of dishes in the sink and the general messiness of the house. Mind you I still haven't done any housework :shrug:
I hate the thought of starting the voluntary work on Tuesday. The whole effort of getting up, making myself presentable, driving there and making the effort to make small talk etc with the people there is like a great big weight on me now.
Nothing more to say really. Thanks again to those who have posted and sent me pms.
Eibhlin
groovygranny
08-07-07, 00:50
Come on Eihblin,
If you don't go on Tuesday you'll never know what you are capable of and you'll feel only defeat.
Defeat has a heaviness all it's own, and it will sit on your shoulders and make you feel even heavier than you feel now.
Please, try to go on Tuesday. If you find it's not for you then you still have the satisfaction that you tried - you will not have failed by doing this.
Trying always puts us in a win-win situation.
You win if you try and then carry on - and you win by trying anyway.
Hey, so what if you answered the door in your bathrobe - at least you were wearing one :ohmy::blush:!!
Thinking of you
:hugs::hugs:
:flowers:
Hi GG,
I will go to the voluntary work on Tuesday and Thursday, it is just the build up to things like this that make me very anxious.
I am sick to death of looking at the walls of my own home and I desperately need a change of scenery and to spend less time on my own. I really wish I had more company, it is so hard to pass time on my own which is why I end up spending days on end in bed.
I wonder if I am going to be on my own forever, surely there is some quirky soul out there who would put up with me?
Loneliness is a killer.
Eibhlin
groovygranny
08-07-07, 11:18
That's good news Eibhlin :) !!
I can understand the anx you're having about Tuesday - crikey, not so long ago I was like that over a meeting I had for work, but got through it with support from everyone here.
It's completely 'normal' to have a certain amount of anx - and necessary to enable us to function properly.
I agree lonliness is very debilitating - but you'll be meeting new people on Tuesday even, in your words, 'it's only to make small talk'. You'll be talking to people in the flesh, as well as to us here online. Who knows what might come of that eh?
Keep us posted ok?
:hugs::hugs::hugs:
:flowers:
Thanks GG, I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread.
Life at the moment is full of mountains that are in fact molehills - like the mountain of dishes in the sink, the unvacuumed floors and the the tonne of weeds in the back garden. Just have no will/spirit to do anything.
Making myself a cup of tea takes effort. Just feel so overwhelmed.
I think it is that my life rountine has been unchanged for so long, everyday is Groundhog Day. I know it is my responisbility to change that but I choose to lie in bed or veg in front of the tv.
I got a book on cbt at the library recently and I had planned to allocate one hour per day to working on that so hopefully I will make a start this week. I would give anything for a holiday, just a few days ANYWHERE as long as I could escape my own walls for a while. Cabin fever had really set in.
Bye for now
Eibhlin x
Hi Eibhlin,
Reading your posts I see myself so clearly in you.
Just like you I have a very unkempt garden and am currently on the verge of getting a gardner in to tidy it up. And yes, the unvacuumed floors is me too, but add to that all the stuff littered everywhere as I have no energy to sort it. It's only recently I've conquered the dishes thing!
And like you I am on my own, and have no mates around to ease the pain, although I'm lucky to live in a town where I can get some 'group' support.
I did voluntary work for a year - in a charity shop and even though I didn't really enjoy the job with a crap boss and a bitchy deputy I stuck it out for a year.
I now want to voluntary work again, perhaps befriending work, but feel I'm not quite ready yet. I feel I can't commit myself to visiting people when I feel so tired!
Eib, do you have any hobbies, or perhaps an interest in the countryside. I feel it's so important to get out of the house each day, preferably for some kind of walk. Can you do any country walks in your area? Doing that will make you feel more positive and strengthen your muscles. Things will then feel less mountainous over time, but I know all this is a slow process!
Take Care
:hugs:
Hiya,
Sorry just caught up on your thread. I just wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow with your voluntary work and hope it goes well. Doing something like voluntary work will give you a reason to get up, get dressed and get out of the house, and maybe help you get into a routine.
Anyway let us know how things go at work
Love
Trac xxxx
Big hugs for Eib :hugs: glad yer still visiting the library hun :yesyes: good luck with the voluntary work hope it goes well as I'm sure it will. xxx
groovygranny
09-07-07, 12:28
Hello Eibhlin!
Yet another positive - getting your book from the library!:)
Lots of good advice there from Ray.
Remember, one step at a time, one goal at a time until when you happen one day to glance back at where you've been...... you'll see how far you've actually come!
Thinking of you :hugs:
:flowers:
Good luck tomorrow mate.:hugs: Remember you are doing this cos you want to not because you have to, so no pressure ok!!!
Love Piglet :flowers:
I agree 100% with what Piglet says hun. xxxx
Lindalou64
09-07-07, 14:09
It Will Do Ya Good Eib To Get Out I Totally Understand What You Feel It Breaks My Heart To Read Ya Thread, But Once You Get Out With Others You Will Start To Feel Better No Its Not A Good Feeling Being Lonley :( By Being With Others And Helping Them You Will Be Helping Yaself Also....i Wish Ya The Best...things Will Start To Look Up For You Eib.....keep Ya Chin Up Ok.......the Best Ya Can.......linda Xxx
Very best of luck. You are doing the best thing. Good for you.
Cheers.
Trev
:flowers: Best of luck for tomorrow buddy :flowers:
Despite you feeling so rough there are still lots of positives in your posts such as visiting the library, answering your door and going out when you have to. It sounds to me that you want to meet people, have a tidy garden etc but don't feel you've got the energy which is down to the depression. Just because you don't feel you've got the energy to do things doesn't mean you can't. Set one small thing to do each day and praise yourself when it's done. Also what Ray says about getting fresh air is very true and it really helps me.
Don't be too hard on yourself tomorrow. The fact you say you're going to try is such a big step. That way it doesn't matter how much you do because it can't take away the fact you've tried. Break it up into small chunks of which the first can be getting ready. Once you've done each chunk see how you feel and move on if you can. Otherwise at least you made the effort and have a marker to focus on for next time.
Take care,
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Well Piglet was right in a way - however I was doing the voluntary work because I felt I should do it and not because I wanted to do it. I was trying to ease my guilt for lying in bed day after day after week.
The truth is I have lost the will/spirit to keep on trying, I have failed so many times (literally dozens) that the prospect of my succeeding at something is a joke to me.
I didn't go to the voluntary work today. I had all my clothes laid out to wear and had the alarm clocks set and all and when it came to the time to get up, everything inside of me resisted. So I rang the man in charge of the place where I was due to do the voluntary work about an hour before I was due there and he said 'grand, sure come anytime you feel like it' and that was it. I turned over and and dove under the duvet and staid there until about 8pm.
I have played this scenario so many times before but the truth is after 20 odd years of picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying again, I have finally had enough. Nothing interests me mentally anymore and the slightest bit of responisibility sends me into an anxiety state so bad that I literally shake with fear.
I don't see my life changing anytime soon and in a way I am glad. I am so drained of motivation and strength and purpose that I feel like a balloon that has been burst - nothing inside of me. No amount of pep talks have an effect on me and at this stage I want to get some calmness and steadiness in my life. And if that means taking tranqs, spending most of my time in bed and just existing, well then it is better than being in a state of unbearable panic and anxiety and fear. Anything is better than that.
So if I ever have a loopy moment and post a thread about making a fresh start again then please ignore it.
I do honestly apologise to all of you for your support and all of your posts, especially to GG, Nibbles and Trev. Sorry for wasting your time.
Bye.
Eibhlin x
Eib hun,:hugs:
You are not wasting anyones time in the slightest - I think we have hit the nail on the head about the 'wanting to' and the 'having to'. You said you felt you 'should do' - oh how I wish that word could be deleted from the language. No wonder you didn't get there - feeling you should do something is quite quite different from 'wanting to' or even feeling you 'could do'.
I think we should start looking at what you 'could and want' to do, not anymore 'should's, ok!!!
Do you feel you could reopen the thread then the friends and supporters can let you know what they feel - I'm betting they all feel as I do!!
When I felt as you do once I slept away a week or two but gradually nature does seem to do its thing and let small glimpes of sunlight in, so bit by tiny bit that interest in life does come back.
I also set just one goal a day - doesn't matter how small that goal is hun, we all have to start somewhere.
Love Piglet :flowers:
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