Mrs.Anxiety
30-01-18, 19:44
Some backstory-- I've only been at this job for 8 months. It's my first "real" job out of college. I had no experience in this field prior to this but luckily this job fell on my lap at a right time in my life (right after getting married and graduating).
I've been dealing with GAD and Panic Disorder for close to 7 years. I never went to counseling or tried medication while in college because of the stigma. I thought my anxiety was something I could grow out of, and that "someday it will get better". I had a pretty good support system (parents and boyfriend) who kept me sane and love me. When my dad had a heart attack, my anxiety spiraled out of control, to the point where I started developing cardiac symptoms from my anxiety and panic attacks, and ended up in the ER. I've had multiple tests and heart exams which all point to my heart being fine. However, I stay convinced something awful is wrong with me.
I work in healthcare. I see patients everyday for 45 min sessions, and I am also in charge of running workshops and classes that educate the community and patients. I also do all the behind the scenes tracking, recruitment, and documentation for each of these, as well as other duties. Over time, I started feeling extremely overwhelmed at work and it wasn't helping my anxiety. I tried everything at work, from doing meditation, office yoga, to getting a board to keep track of my tasks. Everyday seemed overwhelming, and I slowly started dreading my patient appointments and sometimes rushed through them because I could sense a panic attack coming on.
To make matters worse, my supervisor is not the most understanding person. English is not her first language, and it's sometimes very hard to communicate with her in person or in email. I meet with her twice a month to discuss my progress and she never gives me positive feedback, only highlights things I've done wrong and things I don't do. I've tried my best to stay positive with her, and she does have her friendly moments, but overall she's someone that's very hard to be around.
In October, our workplace had a shooting drill to prepare us for a worst case scenario. I told my boss about my condition because I wasn't sure if that would trigger me, and I even asked her if she needed me to bring a doctor's note or proof of my condition. She said it wasn't necessary and she would sort it out with her higher ups. I was then told the drill was mandatory, but that I could stay in a secluded room with pregnant coworkers. We were placed in a glass conference room where everything was still visible and shouts and screams could still be heard. I could feel myself panicking and after the drill was over I had a full blown panic attack back in my office. I hate to be dramatic, but after that experience I felt like work was no longer safe and I didn't wanna be there. I started having panic attacks before and after teaching classes and doing workshops, to the point where I walked out of one to throw up in the bathroom. I started calling off sick when my anxiety was overwhelming and I couldn't get up from bed.
All of these frustrations and anxiety eventually got to me. I would come home and snap at my husband, or just break down in tears because I no longer wanted to work there. My husband kept pushing me to stay there and suck it up, and gain more experience before jumping to another job. I started having very negative thoughts like wishing I got into a car accident so I could call off work, or wishing my workplace caught on fire. Sunday nights started feeling gloomy and full of dread, I no longer felt passionate about my job and felt extremely secluded by coworkers. On NYE, I made myself a promise that I would go to therapy to get myself in order. I found a really nice therapist who is working with me and started helping me. However, I was unable to sleep, focus, and kept having daily panic attacks. This went on for weeks.
Finally, last week on Monday, I had a full blown severe panic attack at work. I felt odd in the morning but pushed myself to go and just figured I would have to push myself through another week. I went to the bathroom and followed my breathing and coping techniques I've been learning in therapy. I even called my husband. Nothing was working. I almost fainted in the hallway, luckily a nurse caught me and sat me down. Immediately they checked my vitals, my heart rate and blood pressure were up, and I started to shake uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed but also frightened that this was happening at work. I saw one of the physicians at work and he held my hand and sat with me while it passed. I informed my supervisor of what had happened, and requested the rest of the week off. I immediately followed up with a doctor about my issue and was prescribed Zoloft and Ativan. I was still shaken up by the experience and just slept a lot, rested, and did a lot of meditation at home during my week off. I'm dealing with medication side effects and just everything that's been going on. I attempted to go back to work yesterday, and I had another panic attack in the parking lot. It was so bad I had to take Ativan and go home and rest. I let my supervisor know of my attempt but that I needed another week off. My supervisor just emails me back saying things like "thanks".
I contacted my therapist about what happened and she let me know she was going to contact HR in regards to what accommodations could be made. HR has now let me know that I do not qualify for FMLA since I haven't been at my job for a year. They don't seem willing to accommodate me, and regardless of me telling them I'm not prepared to go back to work, they don't have much answers for me. I don't know if my workplace has now become a phobia for me, but I don't feel like I wanna go back. I just don't want to work there anymore. I want my life back, I want to take time off to feel better.
A few things: - Quitting this job means losing my health insurance. I would have to get on my husband's health plan which is x2 more expensive and could really drain our savings. - I would also lose access to my therapist or start paying out of pocket, which I can do for a few months or even a year due to my savings from work. - I'm blessed to say my husband makes enough for both of us to live comfortably regardless - I want to take a few weeks off to let the SSRI's kick in and continue some therapy before finding another job, however, my husband does not want me to quit and thinks I will do this with EVERY job. - This whole situation has put a strain on my marriage and has been stressing my husband out a lot. He is really worried about me staying home and getting worse/becoming agoraphobic. - I know the right thing to do is to put my two weeks notice, but I can't even go about making it to work anymore. I just can't go back. I don't know what to do. I am technically an at-will employee, and I know that two weeks notices aren't mandatory especially for health reasons. However, I am reading online that it's highly recommended to give two weeks notice if you want a better outcome at getting another job.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck.
I've been dealing with GAD and Panic Disorder for close to 7 years. I never went to counseling or tried medication while in college because of the stigma. I thought my anxiety was something I could grow out of, and that "someday it will get better". I had a pretty good support system (parents and boyfriend) who kept me sane and love me. When my dad had a heart attack, my anxiety spiraled out of control, to the point where I started developing cardiac symptoms from my anxiety and panic attacks, and ended up in the ER. I've had multiple tests and heart exams which all point to my heart being fine. However, I stay convinced something awful is wrong with me.
I work in healthcare. I see patients everyday for 45 min sessions, and I am also in charge of running workshops and classes that educate the community and patients. I also do all the behind the scenes tracking, recruitment, and documentation for each of these, as well as other duties. Over time, I started feeling extremely overwhelmed at work and it wasn't helping my anxiety. I tried everything at work, from doing meditation, office yoga, to getting a board to keep track of my tasks. Everyday seemed overwhelming, and I slowly started dreading my patient appointments and sometimes rushed through them because I could sense a panic attack coming on.
To make matters worse, my supervisor is not the most understanding person. English is not her first language, and it's sometimes very hard to communicate with her in person or in email. I meet with her twice a month to discuss my progress and she never gives me positive feedback, only highlights things I've done wrong and things I don't do. I've tried my best to stay positive with her, and she does have her friendly moments, but overall she's someone that's very hard to be around.
In October, our workplace had a shooting drill to prepare us for a worst case scenario. I told my boss about my condition because I wasn't sure if that would trigger me, and I even asked her if she needed me to bring a doctor's note or proof of my condition. She said it wasn't necessary and she would sort it out with her higher ups. I was then told the drill was mandatory, but that I could stay in a secluded room with pregnant coworkers. We were placed in a glass conference room where everything was still visible and shouts and screams could still be heard. I could feel myself panicking and after the drill was over I had a full blown panic attack back in my office. I hate to be dramatic, but after that experience I felt like work was no longer safe and I didn't wanna be there. I started having panic attacks before and after teaching classes and doing workshops, to the point where I walked out of one to throw up in the bathroom. I started calling off sick when my anxiety was overwhelming and I couldn't get up from bed.
All of these frustrations and anxiety eventually got to me. I would come home and snap at my husband, or just break down in tears because I no longer wanted to work there. My husband kept pushing me to stay there and suck it up, and gain more experience before jumping to another job. I started having very negative thoughts like wishing I got into a car accident so I could call off work, or wishing my workplace caught on fire. Sunday nights started feeling gloomy and full of dread, I no longer felt passionate about my job and felt extremely secluded by coworkers. On NYE, I made myself a promise that I would go to therapy to get myself in order. I found a really nice therapist who is working with me and started helping me. However, I was unable to sleep, focus, and kept having daily panic attacks. This went on for weeks.
Finally, last week on Monday, I had a full blown severe panic attack at work. I felt odd in the morning but pushed myself to go and just figured I would have to push myself through another week. I went to the bathroom and followed my breathing and coping techniques I've been learning in therapy. I even called my husband. Nothing was working. I almost fainted in the hallway, luckily a nurse caught me and sat me down. Immediately they checked my vitals, my heart rate and blood pressure were up, and I started to shake uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed but also frightened that this was happening at work. I saw one of the physicians at work and he held my hand and sat with me while it passed. I informed my supervisor of what had happened, and requested the rest of the week off. I immediately followed up with a doctor about my issue and was prescribed Zoloft and Ativan. I was still shaken up by the experience and just slept a lot, rested, and did a lot of meditation at home during my week off. I'm dealing with medication side effects and just everything that's been going on. I attempted to go back to work yesterday, and I had another panic attack in the parking lot. It was so bad I had to take Ativan and go home and rest. I let my supervisor know of my attempt but that I needed another week off. My supervisor just emails me back saying things like "thanks".
I contacted my therapist about what happened and she let me know she was going to contact HR in regards to what accommodations could be made. HR has now let me know that I do not qualify for FMLA since I haven't been at my job for a year. They don't seem willing to accommodate me, and regardless of me telling them I'm not prepared to go back to work, they don't have much answers for me. I don't know if my workplace has now become a phobia for me, but I don't feel like I wanna go back. I just don't want to work there anymore. I want my life back, I want to take time off to feel better.
A few things: - Quitting this job means losing my health insurance. I would have to get on my husband's health plan which is x2 more expensive and could really drain our savings. - I would also lose access to my therapist or start paying out of pocket, which I can do for a few months or even a year due to my savings from work. - I'm blessed to say my husband makes enough for both of us to live comfortably regardless - I want to take a few weeks off to let the SSRI's kick in and continue some therapy before finding another job, however, my husband does not want me to quit and thinks I will do this with EVERY job. - This whole situation has put a strain on my marriage and has been stressing my husband out a lot. He is really worried about me staying home and getting worse/becoming agoraphobic. - I know the right thing to do is to put my two weeks notice, but I can't even go about making it to work anymore. I just can't go back. I don't know what to do. I am technically an at-will employee, and I know that two weeks notices aren't mandatory especially for health reasons. However, I am reading online that it's highly recommended to give two weeks notice if you want a better outcome at getting another job.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck.