Negative thoughts about boyfriend

[yeppy]

Hi There

its been about 2 years since I last used this site so am really down on myself. I thought i'd got over my panic/anxiety but it seems to be back and its so disheartening!!!

i just need a bit of advice because the thoughts and feelings i'm experiencing are really worrying me.

I'll give a bit of background first. about 18 months ago I met my boyfriend at a really unexpected time. I was due to leave for a round the world trip (something i nver thought i could do having experienced panic previous to that). The 2 months we had together before i left were perfect and while i was away from him for 9 months we stayed in constant contact and i missed him so much. I've been back from travelling 7 months now and we were back together straight away. Up until last month things were perfect. However i started suffering from the dreaded panicky thoughts again and this time they happened to be about him. During my panic i had awful thoughts of not wanted to be with him anymore and i was convinced i'd lost my feelings. Even though it was really upsetting the feelings felt so real. After the panic subsided a day or two later my feelings returned, even more so than before. I put it down to the panic and thought i must of been having the feelings because losing him is the one thing i didnt want. That can happen right?? But over the last 2 weeks its happened 2 more times and its really scaring me! i cant work out whether its the panic or it must mean i actually have fallen out of love with him?? I really hope its the panic because the thought of us splitting up is horrible. But when i start panicking the feeling that i've fallen out of love with him seems so real that i dont want him around and i cant even look at a photo?!

Is there anyone out there that can try and explain this to me as its soooo scary!!! Are these the type of irrational thoughts people talk about or does it just mean i dont love him anymore. I'd hate that!!!!

[Sky232]

Clearly this panic is a reaction to your feelings. I suggest you to take a paper and write all your feelings down, beginning from when you met him until now to get a clearer view.

[kimmy]

I once was laid next to my partner and he was asleep, back to me and I just thought, what if he turned round now and punched me in the face?! Completly random, hes not violent. Anxiety makes you think the most awfull things :(

[nomorepanic]

Remember these are thoughts and not actions

There is a big difference. You think these things but don't want to act on them and you won't.

[ThreeBee23]

If you take Sky's idea and write things down (write them when you are not in a panic attack) ask yourself if you are more scared of losing him and that is what is triggering your attacks or whether it is time to say goodbye and that is making you panic. Either way, if it is truely time to say goodbye it would do neither of you any good to hang on because of fear.

Have you told him about your panic attacks and anxiety? Is he sympathetic? Is it something he can "deal with" over a period of time? Has he said or done anything lately that would make you fear the relationship is over? Or is he reassuring and being kind and you are imagining the worst? I'm not really asking for answers here, just some things for you to think about.

I hope it works out for the best for both of you! :)

[lucy0927]

For me the irrational and negative thoughts are the worst and hardest thing about anxiety to understand. I suffer this to, I recently started dating someone who I liked for months before we got together. In the first 2 months while we were friends, I got all the feelings that I really really liked him, I wanted to be with him all the time, couldn't wait to see him etc. Then when we got together I know I still really like him and he's such a good person, he knows about my anxiety and trys so hard to understand. He's the only person that I've had a relationship with that doesn't make my anxiety worse.

However, I get lots of thoughts that what if I don't actually like him that much, what if I'm leading him on and i've been kidding myself into liking him because i think I should. I find I need my own space more and when I'm not with him I find it harder than when I'm actually with him. I need control of everything and can't have him pressuring me because otherwise I feel I'll run away.

All these thoughts are telling me that maybe I don't like him, either though I know that I do. he's a lot older than me (18 years) and that takes my mind into overdrive giving me another excuse to run away but I have to tell myself it's anxiety and it's making me feel like this. Hopefully in time the negative thoughts will slowly get less and less but I thought you should know that you're not alone and I'm pretty sure it's all anxiety.

At least i hope it is.

[kellym]

i have had these thoughts to where they feel so real, i actually told my partner and he said he knew it was just my anxiety, a few days later came the realisation that it was the anxiety that made me think like that.
since then i have had a couple more time where i have thought like that, they still scare me but i know they are just thoughts and they are not true.

hope you start to feel better soon.

[yeppy]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. it helps knowing i dont have to keep this all bottled up!!

i've told my boyfriend all about my anxiety and how it is making me feel. He's been brilliant and is convinced its just the anxiety as you cant just suddenly stop loving someone. He thinks the anxiety plays havoc with you emotions and makes you feel things you dont want to feel. I really hope he's right!

I'm trying so hard to imagine what it would be like if he finished with me in order to make me realise what i feel for him but its as if my mind is a blank and my emotions are blocked. A couple of weeks ago if i'd imagined it i would of been horrified at the thought of not having him in my life. 6 weeks ago we were out together with friends and i was so happy and proud to be with him. So now why do i feel nothing and panic at the thought of being around him??! i'm scared these feelings are real.

i went to the doctors yesterday and i've been signed off work with tranquilizers and anti depressants so hopefully these will kick in soon and i'll be able to think more clearly

[narangie1]

Hi,

I was just having similar thoughts about the person I started dating. A few months ago, I met this wonderful person who I know is a good influence in my life. I've had a habit of dating the "bad-boy", usually interested in him because of physical attraction or status...clearly, qualities that do not make a long relationship work. This is likely why I get out of relationships so quickly too. I've been struggling with my physical attraction to him, although this changes regularly (sometimes I'm really into him, other times not). Everything else is fabulous, since we have the same active lifestyle, laugh regularly and compromise well. Currently, I'm worried that my friends find him unattractive when he meets them, or that his teeth are crooked. This didn't even bother me over the past few months, and I was totally into him, but they just met him last week and it started making me anxious. Now, I keep worrying that I'm going to ruin the relationship because of these thoughts.

These are things I realize are a reflection of my insecurities and subjective reality of was is "attractive". What really matters is how I feel about him, not others opinions. In fact, everyone that meets him really loves him.

About me: I've suffered from anxiety/panic for almost 20 years. With my anxiety, I start to have negative thought patterns that become fairly cyclical, which often cause me to feel depressed. I haven't been on medication for the past year and I've ben feeling great. My anxiety usually starts because of personal relationships. I often feel the need to get out, or I focus on the small negative qualities of the person that often stress me out. Usually, when I get out of the relationship, I do feel better and link that to "intuition". However, at 34y, I'm fairly certain is a relief from commitment.


I do think that it is important to work through the anxiety, expecially if the person is quality and worth your time. The question is "how?" and "how do we differentiate between feelings of intuition and fear?"

Any insight would be great here.