View Full Version : To trust or not to trust?
My referral appointment to the ophthalmologist hasn't even been scheduled yet but is likely to be several months out. In the meantime, I am a wreck thinking that the optometrist missed a peripheral retinal tear or other issue when he dilated me.
Is this my HA talking? Should I trust that my retinas are fine? Or schedule another appointment with a different optometrist in the meantime?
I have a small vacation planned next month for my birthday, and I am dreading it because my life right now is 24.7 monitoring and thinking about my eyesight. :weep:
I am also wondering whether I am making the visual disturbance worse by paying so much attention to it. Perhaps I've taught my brain to perceive it as a threat and that's why I'm always seeing it.
Actually I think this is quite an interesting insight into your anxiety. You said you found your als fear so intolerable because it is so horrendous. The awfulness of the disease warranted that level of fear. Anyone who thought they had als would be beside themselves right?
But a potential- not particularly likely- retinal tear? Not pleasant, needs treatment, almost very wouldn't lead to loss of sight (in one eye). It's not exactly als is it? And yet you are devoting all this worry to it. It is most definitely not a proportional response.
Have you been on your treadmill yet?
Xx
Not yet.
I've been thinking this myself. This eye problem is giving me more anxiety than the ALS fear now (which hasn't gone). I think it's because it's so in my face every waking moment, this giant circle every time I blink. But, yes, not life-threatening. Probably not even sight-threatening, as I've had my eyes dilated twice in the past few months. I'm barely functioning though. I'm beginning to understand the phantom bat bites ...
Exactly!! To all around it is ludicrous but when you are living in fear of that brain eating amoeba it's awful.
My phantom bat bite at the moment is a palpable lymphnode under my ear. It is soft and mobile and small (dr couldn't even feel it - duh!) but I CANNOT think about anything else because it is THERE.
Anxiety is anxiety and it really really sucks
---------- Post added at 22:23 ---------- Previous post was at 22:21 ----------
Do you work, Mel?
MyNameIsTerry
04-02-18, 02:09
I think jojo is right, mel. ALS is a terrible condition to have and if you truly thought you had that it wouldn't be so easily pushed back by something that can be dealt with.
One pain does lessen another. But there are limits when you are getting into very serious conditions like ALS.
Not trying to be obtuse, but I don't know that I follow ...
MyNameIsTerry
04-02-18, 02:38
What I mean is that whilst this is unpleasant, if you truly thought you had ALS it wouldn't sideline that. But in anxiety it certainly will.
It's a pattern we see on here all the time where one illness takes over from another and then the other one comes back. The focus is on the current issue.
Reaction isn't proportional as jojo says. If you were in physical pain, pain tends to take centre stage but outside of that something unpleasant wouldn't be enough (only in my opinion).
Doubting your doctor and wanting another opinion (which you will also doubt) is the very definition of health anxiety. So yes, it's health anxiety. You ARE posting on a health anxiety board, afterall. If no part of you thought it was anxiety, you wouldn't be here.
I see what you mean. And as odd as it sounds, right now as I type this I feel like I can't live with this visual disturbance ...
MyNameIsTerry
04-02-18, 04:44
I can understand that feeling but you will get through it, as hard as it may sound - you have little choice. When my symptoms were really bad I felt I just couldn't cope and I fought through the day to do it all over again from the minute I woke the next morning. Basically, I wished it would all end.
But you can try to alleviate some of what you feel and see how you feel then.
Try to do some little things each day, get yourself moving about, even mundane cleaning stuff. It's important to try to rescue yourself from what feels like your too weak to go on. Confidence goes and some of us just end up lying in bed or siting about as we feel we can't do anything else.
You've described it perfectly
Hey Mel, I could always use an intern... :winks:
MyNameIsTerry
04-02-18, 05:18
Been there, mel, like many others on here. Didn't think it would ever get any better. It did. The thinking was just how it was then, it changes.
Mel, you can't allow your entire world to focus around symptoms and perceived illnesses. I very much empathise with your level of anxiety but would be unable to sit around and ruminate as I couldn't tolerate the physical and mental agitation this would cause. I really would try to make use of your treadmill and equipment-burn some of this adrenaline off? If you are this agitated doing nothing will just make things seem more extreme.
I can't help it. I see it every waking moment and even through my eyelids when there's a light source. I know I sound pathetic, but I'm literally not eating or sleeping, which is making everything worse. I can't live like this, but I can't find the help I need either. I just want to jump on a plane and go back to Sydney, where there's a decent medical system and ready access to it. I can't see myself ever getting back to a life without constant minute by minute fear, let alone find joy in anything again ...
Mel, do you have an benzos? Xanax or something? Cause now would be a good time for one.
Also, deep breathing. In..1..2..3..4.. Out..1..2..3..4..
Doctor refused to give me any
Why????
---------- Post added at 19:43 ---------- Previous post was at 19:42 ----------
Benzos will help you get out of this hellhole. No one is suggesting long term but just a short course to make you feel human again
I was a sobbing, shaking wreck in her surgery. She said, "Yeah, a benzo would sort you right out, but I don't know you, so I am not going to prescribe one."
She made me feel like a freaking drug chaser. She said, "People take it for the euphoria, you know." I'm literally crying and shaking like a leaf and telling her I can't cope, can't eat, and she makes a condescending, unhelpful, insulting comment like that. I'm spilling my guts, making myself totally vulnerable, and BEGGING for help getting out of this hell, and she throws a beta blocker at me. I have low BP, can't take it, and she rolls her eyes and says, well your heart rate is 114 right now .... NO SHIT!
Can't you go to your regular GP?
I don't have a regular GP. Since I moved here, no doctor was accepting new patients. This is the first time I've been able to see a GP in three years. And she sucked. No empathy, just looked at me like I was pathetic
Why not go directly to a psych?
Yes, I've found two near me. I may do that. I can't go on lexapro or any other SSRI until I get the OK from the glaucoma specialist, so benzos in the interim would be a great help ...
---------- Post added at 12:53 ---------- Previous post was at 12:53 ----------
Although both take pains on their websites to say they don't like to prescribe drugs of addiction :/
Can I ask where your husband is in all this Mel?
Trying to be supportive, but I get the feeling he thinks it's something I "can snap out of", that I just need to think more positively and it'll all be better. I don't know if I'm imagining the resentment, but I feel it. I feel like a massive burden, so there's a lot of guilt. I really have no support network in this country, as we've always moved around a lot with his work. This is the longest we've been in one place and it's not a good fit for me. I miss living in a big city. So the isolation is severe.
Ach. It is so hard to understand that "snapping out of it" isn't possible. Hard, I mean, if you are not an anxiety sufferer yourself. And your family is in Australia, right?
You need a network and you need a plan. I think sourcing some proper psychological help would be a sensible first step
---------- Post added at 21:11 ---------- Previous post was at 21:10 ----------
How long have you been in your current town?
Yes, agree. I will get on to that tomorrow.
Going to a different optometrist when I've been assured by one already that I have no tear or detachment is my HA speaking, isn't it?
---------- Post added at 13:13 ---------- Previous post was at 13:13 ----------
Three and a half years. It's small (less than 15K) and it's very ... rednecky :(
The issue is not your retinal detachment. I mean I'm not saying it isn't a possibility but your reaction is wildly disproportionate. Your possible retinal detachment is not the cause of your current misery, so getting a second opinion will not solve it.
Red necky? There was me, in my naive Britishness, thinking California was pretty liberal/educated
I need to find something for him to read/watch that explains this better than I can
Yes, my husband ... it's like we are speaking two different languages when I try to explain it to him
It's not retinal detachment I'm fearing. I mean, obviously I want to know I don't have one. But the fear is around the unexplained symptom. It's enormous in my visual field and I can't tune it out. I am scared of a) what is causing it and b) having it forever
---------- Post added at 13:40 ---------- Previous post was at 13:39 ----------
The town I live in is an old ranching town. Lots of Trump lovers and racists and homophobes. It's just depressing. It's physically beautiful, but culturally a desert.
---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:40 ----------
Small town CA is very different from LA or SF
I don't think he will understand that. Because the likelihood is, he would not react in the same way to an unexplained symptom. Everyone has unexplained symptoms, all the time.
But there is something about the uncertain - and the unexplained - that we who frequent this forum find utterly unbearable. Certainly my husband cannot relate to why I cannot live with an unexplained symptom. He would have an unexplained symptom, wonder about it, then think about something else.
A good psychologist will understand and will be able to help you
I do think I need meds in the meantime. I am so low-fuctioning. Staying in bed until noon. Sick at the sight of food. Having to muster all my motivation to shower. Ugh. All the warning signs of severe depression
Some people are extremely good at tolerating unexplained symptoms. A few months ago I found out my mum had been ignoring blood in her stool for THREE YEARS (and my dad is a retired colorectal surgeon). As luck would have it a colonoscopy that she slightly disinterestedly agreed to revealed a polyp that was completely removed.
Now, I don't aim to be THAT good at ignoring unexplained symptoms but you see what I mean. Most people just spend their time thinking about other stuff, and are the happier for it
Thanks, jojo. Yeah, my husband is very stoic. His attitude is always "it is what it is" and "everybody dies". I envy that. I envy his peace of mind
I do think I need meds in the meantime. I am so low-fuctioning. Staying in bed until noon. Sick at the sight of food. Having to muster all my motivation to shower. Ugh. All the warning signs of severe depression
Yes indeed
How long has this episode been going on for?
Since before Christmas, but really ramped up in the past fortnight
Yes, my husband ... it's like we are speaking two different languages when I try to explain it to him
It's not retinal detachment I'm fearing. I mean, obviously I want to know I don't have one. But the fear is around the unexplained symptom. It's enormous in my visual field and I can't tune it out. I am scared of a) what is causing it and b) having it forever
---------- Post added at 13:40 ---------- Previous post was at 13:39 ----------
The town I live in is an old ranching town. Lots of Trump lovers and racists and homophobes. It's just depressing. It's physically beautiful, but culturally a desert.
---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:40 ----------
Small town CA is very different from LA or SF
Yes, CA is the most liberal state in the US, but there are still pockets out in the sticks of redneck communities.
There's a university town 30 mins north that's full of liberals and hippies. I just have to remind myself of that, lol
What made you move so far from civilization? Housing costs?
Have you started working on coming home Mel?, maybe you neeed more support,here at least you can get bulk billing even with a Specialist for your eyes, I know because I had an appointment with one in Sydney,cost me nothing. Start working on coming home.:hugs:
I know! I've been seen at the Sydney Eye Hospital before. For free
---------- Post added at 17:14 ---------- Previous post was at 17:13 ----------
What made you move so far from civilization? Housing costs?
Yeah, that was part of it. Couldn't afford a thing in the Bay Area
I had seen a Private Othamologist at Westmead Hospital,very good and a bit of a spunk too.
:D
I miss how EASY everything is in Australia :weep:
You are right Mel, I reckon we are lucky too have the services we have, I don't even pay for therapy the Women's health centre has a Psychologist that comes once a week.
I know of a few Psychiatrists that bulk bill in both NSW and Qld.
MyNameIsTerry
05-02-18, 01:56
We have a campaign called Time To Change which is aimed at getting the message across to the wider community. They produced leaflets with various stigma busters on them that they put all over the country e.g. in national supermarket chains.
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
It is all about user stories. The idea being you see how common it is to feel the way you do and to give an insight into what mental health issues do to people.
Might help your husband.
I'm in a less liberal city in the Midlands (10 pints, a fight, a curry and a shag country :blush:). Things tend to be unspoken with mental health but when you sit in a room of sufferers you soon see everyone is on the same page. There are more opportunities to meet up due to population and despite how common this all is these days, I wouldn't be talking about it outside of places I know won't be affected by ignorance so it can't be easy in a small town.
Well, if any state in the nation will develop their own health care system, it will be ours. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'd be able to do it without federal support at the moment.
Well, if any state in the nation will develop their own health care system, it will be ours. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'd be able to do it without federal support at the moment.
California should secede :yesyes:
---------- Post added at 18:18 ---------- Previous post was at 18:17 ----------
We have a campaign called Time To Change which is aimed at getting the message across to the wider community. They produced leaflets with various stigma busters on them that they put all over the country e.g. in national supermarket chains.
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
It is all about user stories. The idea being you see how common it is to feel the way you do and to give an insight into what mental health issues do to people.
Might help your husband.
I'm in a less liberal city in the Midlands (10 pints, a fight, a curry and a shag country :blush:). Things tend to be unspoken with mental health but when you sit in a room of sufferers you soon see everyone is on the same page. There are more opportunities to meet up due to population and despite how common this all is these days, I wouldn't be talking about it outside of places I know won't be affected by ignorance so it can't be easy in a small town.
Thanks - again - Terry :)
MyNameIsTerry
05-02-18, 02:22
Mel,
Just wanted to add I think that GP was a clown. They brought up the issue of benzo's so it's not like you were doctor shopping. You just wanted help and telling someone you have a pill that could help but I won't give it to you is pretty cruel.
Given your complex issues with antidepressants it sounds like you need a very clued up GP or a psychiatrist.
I just think a short course - between now and my ophthalmologist appointment, when I find out if I can even take SSRIs or tricyclics - would help immensely. But yes, mentioning benzos in that way smacked of power-tripping if not outright cruelty.
---------- Post added at 18:27 ---------- Previous post was at 18:25 ----------
She's worried I'm after a euphoric high. I'd settle for not feeling like offing myself, tbh
MyNameIsTerry
05-02-18, 02:31
Yes, it may give you a boost. Sometimes just a bit of respite can help build you back up.
It's not a solution but it might help you get out of the depths of where you are now enough for you to be up & doing more.
When I was really struggling getting onto a SNRI just 1 5mg of Diazepam upon waking helped give me a couple of hours where the worst of it was subdued. It was still hell after but it having a break gave back some mental reserves that a more constant kicking wasn't allowing me. I resisted until the last two days of the worst of the side effects and it did help me.
---------- Post added at 02:31 ---------- Previous post was at 02:29 ----------
She sounds a bit of a moron to be honest. People chasing highs tend to be mixing. Unless she thought you were in some withdrawal from addiction I just can't see how that conclusion can be made.
I think some GP's hear "benzos" and soil themselves. Demon drug. It's a bizarre attitude from someone who is supposed to be logical & scientific. Saw the same on another thread a few weeks back where a GP wouldn't prescribe antidepressants as they were addictive and just gave a link to a Mindfulness short course. :doh:
A little respite is all I want. Just a breather, so I can regroup. I'm purposely not drinking right now, because I've gone the self-medication route before and it never ends well. But I'm sorely tempted ... A nice glass (or 10) of red would go down a treat right now
There has been a strong CA secession movement after the last election....
World's sixth largest economy ...
[/COLOR]She's worried I'm after a euphoric high. I'd settle for not feeling like offing myself, tbh[/QUOTE]
So here's what you do: you go back to your GP today and say you feel like "offing yourself". She cannot ignore you: that is an emergency
MyNameIsTerry
05-02-18, 12:51
There has been a strong CA secession movement after the last election....
But will you be building a wall? :biggrin:
[/COLOR]She's worried I'm after a euphoric high. I'd settle for not feeling like offing myself, tbh
So here's what you do: you go back to your GP today and say you feel like "offing yourself". She cannot ignore you: that is an emergency[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that triggers all sorts of things here. Has to be reported immediately to some state mental health board, and they commit you, I believe. At least that's what I've been told by a doctor in the past
But if you truly feel like that then maybe you should tell the doctor just how desperate the situation is?
She fobbed you off once just to make sure you aren't "after the euphoria". She won't fob you off again
Mindprison
05-02-18, 19:58
Atrocious for a GP to dangle benzos in front of someone suffering like bait only to snatch it away for some asinine reason like "euphoric high".
Big difference between someone abusing benzos for a high and someone who will finally get some relief from their symptoms which will make them feel better.
Which GP has been prescribing your mirtazapine, Mel? Could you see him/her?
I'm gonna get on the treadmill. I can't face that intolerable woman again
---------- Post added at 12:46 ---------- Previous post was at 12:44 ----------
Which GP has been prescribing your mirtazapine, Mel? Could you see him/her?
I was thinking about that ... She's about an hour away, but might be worth it
---------- Post added at 12:46 ---------- Previous post was at 12:46 ----------
Atrocious for a GP to dangle benzos in front of someone suffering like bait only to snatch it away for some asinine reason like "euphoric high".
Big difference between someone abusing benzos for a high and someone who will finally get some relief from their symptoms which will make them feel better.
She appeared to enjoy it too, the power ... Freakin' god complex
You need a plan and you need a short course of benzos. I don't know how you can cope with doing nothing yet feeling so agitated. Make an appointment to see that GP asap and give yourself a plan of action to bridge that gap between now and your ophthalmology appointment?
[QUOTE=melfish;1762996]I'm gonna get on the treadmill. I can't face that intolerable woman again[COLOR="blue"]
:yesyes:
Hooray!
20 min walk, at max incline. Plus some squats and deadlifts and ab exercises :)
---------- Post added at 14:30 ---------- Previous post was at 14:27 ----------
and I watered all my indoor plants and am about to make myself a blueberry and greens smoothie. If this doesn't work, I'm downing a gallon of red tomorrow
MyNameIsTerry
06-02-18, 01:49
Well done, mel!!! :yesyes::yahoo:
It's not easy to even start let alone carry on when things are this bad. It shows there is power in wanting to do things. Empowerment was one of the key steps in recovery at the charity I went to.
And if it doesn't work, no downing any wine!!! You keep going until things get better. Small steps.
MyNameIsTerry
06-02-18, 02:25
Then it must have been good for you...and probably a nasty bright green colour :emot-puke:
(blueberry & strawberry combos are nice. I tend to avoid putting much greenery in though. Kale is pretty neutral.)
Yeah, I think I overloaded it with virtue (greens). It looked like primeval sludge, because I didn't add enough liquid
katielovespizza
06-02-18, 03:11
What kind of visual disturbance? I had grey dots in my vision that were so bad I saw an ophthalmologist on several occasions as they did repeated dilations and checks on my eyes. They found absolutely nothing, no retinal tear (as I feared) and I barely had any eye floaters (which are totally normal). After a few months I stopped being hyperaware of them and I stopped noticing them. I do occasionally notice them now, but since I am not anxious or panicky about them I quickly forget about them and they don't bother me anymore. In your case it may be the same. Being hyperaware of certain things can really amplify them.
---------- Post added at 22:11 ---------- Previous post was at 22:10 ----------
Ahh, sorry, I read the first page here and thought it was the newest post. >.< Didn't realize this thread went on for 8 pages. Anyway, I hope you are feeling better!
How was your Monday, Mel?
Thanks, Katie. I'm definitely hyperaware. I'm hoping that's playing into it, and that my brain will pay less attention over time. It's freaking me out, though.
---------- Post added at 19:15 ---------- Previous post was at 19:14 ----------
How was your Monday, Mel?
Marginally better than my Sunday. Thanks for asking :D
That’s good. The teacher a few doors down from me had a kid puke in her room today. I’m sure your day was better than hers ;)
I'll take daily kid puke, pleaseee
Have you made that appointment with the other GP yet? Sounds to me as if you need help which goes beyond smoothies..
Yeah, I think I overloaded it with virtue (greens). It looked like primeval sludge, because I didn't add enough liquid
Kale triggers my gag reflex but spinach breaks down pretty well. Probably not as virtuous though.
Well done on the small steps!:hugs:
I'm going to try a five mile run today - wish me luck (did I mention I entered a mountain marathon :wacko:?)
No puke today. Did have some criers though.
How was your Tuesday?
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.