A short "Essay" I wrote on my mental state

[tonman95]

My “Feelings”
Depression… a word commonly used to describe “sad humans”… a tag, a feeling, a behaviour? What is it? For me I’m not a classic depressed person, I’m a lazy ******* yes, but more so through choice. I don’t display all the characteristics required for a NHS diagnosis. I’m up, I perform and I succeed. But how do I feel?

Terrible…

Locked in a constant mental battle with myself. Heart racing as I write this, head racing even more so. Tight feeling in my chest, sweaty palms. Is this going to be good enough? What’s the point? All these thoughts I repeatedly ponder on a daily ****ing basis. I’m sick of it. Sick of feeling this way, how do I break free?

Not by doing what I am, laying in my bed having woke up at 10:30 on a workday. Feeling sorry for myself, Googling my thoughts, wondering how I get better. Yesterday’s cycle continues. Can you even call my day a workday now? Four months I’ve spent solid in this room, feels more like a prison cell than a comforting bedroom to relax. I can see an out through a different job, back into normality, actually having social contact in an office environment. Let’s just hope for my sake it comes good. But what difference will it make anyway?

What is it like to feel like this?

For me it’s ever changing, which probably makes it sound even more ridiculous. It’s difficult to describe, like my head rules my body. The outside world scares me, feels more “dream like” than reality. I know it’s real but it feels fake, when I’m out there all I seem to do is ponder existential thoughts constantly. I’m on edge, I feel spaced out… like I’m “high” I struggle to live “in the moment” I practise mindfulness, I try mediate when I can. I can free up my thinking and enjoy the moment for some time, but I always return to the same old patterns. Imprisoned by it. Imprisoned in my own mind… How do I break free?

I’m trying, I’m trying hard… and when it doesn’t work it sets me back even further. I’m back online, constantly googling, trying to get to the bottom of it. Is this anxiety, am I going crazy, what is wrong with me?

I think I know the answer…

My answer is to accept the thoughts and let them pass, it’s easier said than done, and it’s all I seem to do is latch back on to the first one that “scares” me or doesn’t feel right.

The thoughts I have are crazy, and they scare me. Put me on edge… which reinforces them. It almost feels like my mind is forcing myself to think them, to put me in that state. I’m used to carnage anyway, it’s all I’ve known for my whole adult life. Is that maybe why I feel like this? The break from the carnage, the lies, deception, worries… now I’m free does my head want more? Want back to it’s “normality”. I certainly don’t feel free. In actual fact I probably feel less liberated than when I was a mad gambler.

How can this be? I know these things are just thoughts, I don’t truly believe them or they wouldn’t scare me, but yet they still linger. I want them to go, it’s like a proper pest living in your own head. Two different minds.
While writing this it feels like I know the answer, but how do I achieve it?

The thoughts I have feel too close to reality not to latch on and ponder them. How do I get a break from it? I just want to know I am not going crazy, I couldn’t imagine anything worse. My biggest fear. For then I would lose my family, lose my mind and lose myself. I need out of this emotional numbness too, forced feelings instead of being full of serenity and excitement for my future and for each day. I’m stuck in my own mental turmoil. I need out. I need free.

[adeyt]

I know you have probably heard others say this, but what you have written could have been written by me!!!.I feel exactly the same (im 53), dont know how old you are, but im guessing somewhat younger. The thing is, you get used to it. I have periods of intense anxiety, and when i say intense, i mean intense. These can last months, or merely days, but the rest of the time i am a outwardly "normal" person. What you have described is me to a tee!!!!!.I differ slightly in that my addiction used to be booze, not gambling. My biggest ongoing thing is that i seem to have lost all sense of "self". By this i mean that i dont feel like me, when i say my name it feels very strange indeed, and when i look in the mirror, i dont recognise myself. I would be interested in your reply.

Ade

[hinged]

You have the clarity of mind to have posted a perfect essay. I can't see any spelling mistakes and the punctuation seems perfect too. Something inside you is working. Working very well.

On that basis of that you have something to be positive about. Are other areas of your life as neat and orderly as your essay ?

[tonman95]

Thank you both for your replys'.

Ade - You're right in your assumption, that I am indeed younger (22). I am also "used" to this now have been suffering heavily from these strange thoughts i feel a great urge to ponder at every passing moment. It's also great to hear from someone who shares your struggles, not that I don't feel sorry for you or are delighted you suffer, but it's comforting to know that really, we are all the same. Although our experiences of life may differ, our consciousness is still the same and we share similar thought patterns and feelings are identical. I get what your saying about losing your sense of self, and although i don't necessarily practise what i preach... re-connecting with your emotions is always a good start. Also if you are like me and in a 12 step program, you can indeed engage the steps program to re-discover yourself. Something I am yet to complete mind you. I am also outwardly normal, and I probably am normal, however living inside my own head is the biggest cause of my problems. To others, i appear "normal".

Hinged- Thanks for your reply, it's quite reassuring to hear what i write isn't a load of nonsense, and that it does appear to be literate and comprehensive. A major worry for me in expressing me feelings is that I come across as crazy, and in turn "proving" my fears to be true, certainly in my own head anyway! If my writing is as "neat" as you say, then i certainly wish that other aspects of my life where as well. They certainly ain't, and without a conscious effort other areas of my life would fall apart. I have a lot of character defects, and laziness is certainly a HUGE one. I certainly wish my brain was just as lazy.

[hinged]

tonman,

I have to make a conscious effort to control my anxiety. If I let it drift, suddenly, I could be back to the point where my anxiety stops me shopping, or going to football, or socialising or any other activity.

I have to keep relaxing, keep thinking positive and STOP self inducing panic and anxiety.

Keep working at reducing your anxiety. If writing essays helps then do it. Find out what helps you, and keep at it every day.