tonman95
05-02-18, 12:03
My “Feelings”
Depression… a word commonly used to describe “sad humans”… a tag, a feeling, a behaviour? What is it? For me I’m not a classic depressed person, I’m a lazy ******* yes, but more so through choice. I don’t display all the characteristics required for a NHS diagnosis. I’m up, I perform and I succeed. But how do I feel?
Terrible…
Locked in a constant mental battle with myself. Heart racing as I write this, head racing even more so. Tight feeling in my chest, sweaty palms. Is this going to be good enough? What’s the point? All these thoughts I repeatedly ponder on a daily ****ing basis. I’m sick of it. Sick of feeling this way, how do I break free?
Not by doing what I am, laying in my bed having woke up at 10:30 on a workday. Feeling sorry for myself, Googling my thoughts, wondering how I get better. Yesterday’s cycle continues. Can you even call my day a workday now? Four months I’ve spent solid in this room, feels more like a prison cell than a comforting bedroom to relax. I can see an out through a different job, back into normality, actually having social contact in an office environment. Let’s just hope for my sake it comes good. But what difference will it make anyway?
What is it like to feel like this?
For me it’s ever changing, which probably makes it sound even more ridiculous. It’s difficult to describe, like my head rules my body. The outside world scares me, feels more “dream like” than reality. I know it’s real but it feels fake, when I’m out there all I seem to do is ponder existential thoughts constantly. I’m on edge, I feel spaced out… like I’m “high” I struggle to live “in the moment” I practise mindfulness, I try mediate when I can. I can free up my thinking and enjoy the moment for some time, but I always return to the same old patterns. Imprisoned by it. Imprisoned in my own mind… How do I break free?
I’m trying, I’m trying hard… and when it doesn’t work it sets me back even further. I’m back online, constantly googling, trying to get to the bottom of it. Is this anxiety, am I going crazy, what is wrong with me?
I think I know the answer…
My answer is to accept the thoughts and let them pass, it’s easier said than done, and it’s all I seem to do is latch back on to the first one that “scares” me or doesn’t feel right.
The thoughts I have are crazy, and they scare me. Put me on edge… which reinforces them. It almost feels like my mind is forcing myself to think them, to put me in that state. I’m used to carnage anyway, it’s all I’ve known for my whole adult life. Is that maybe why I feel like this? The break from the carnage, the lies, deception, worries… now I’m free does my head want more? Want back to it’s “normality”. I certainly don’t feel free. In actual fact I probably feel less liberated than when I was a mad gambler.
How can this be? I know these things are just thoughts, I don’t truly believe them or they wouldn’t scare me, but yet they still linger. I want them to go, it’s like a proper pest living in your own head. Two different minds.
While writing this it feels like I know the answer, but how do I achieve it?
The thoughts I have feel too close to reality not to latch on and ponder them. How do I get a break from it? I just want to know I am not going crazy, I couldn’t imagine anything worse. My biggest fear. For then I would lose my family, lose my mind and lose myself. I need out of this emotional numbness too, forced feelings instead of being full of serenity and excitement for my future and for each day. I’m stuck in my own mental turmoil. I need out. I need free.
Depression… a word commonly used to describe “sad humans”… a tag, a feeling, a behaviour? What is it? For me I’m not a classic depressed person, I’m a lazy ******* yes, but more so through choice. I don’t display all the characteristics required for a NHS diagnosis. I’m up, I perform and I succeed. But how do I feel?
Terrible…
Locked in a constant mental battle with myself. Heart racing as I write this, head racing even more so. Tight feeling in my chest, sweaty palms. Is this going to be good enough? What’s the point? All these thoughts I repeatedly ponder on a daily ****ing basis. I’m sick of it. Sick of feeling this way, how do I break free?
Not by doing what I am, laying in my bed having woke up at 10:30 on a workday. Feeling sorry for myself, Googling my thoughts, wondering how I get better. Yesterday’s cycle continues. Can you even call my day a workday now? Four months I’ve spent solid in this room, feels more like a prison cell than a comforting bedroom to relax. I can see an out through a different job, back into normality, actually having social contact in an office environment. Let’s just hope for my sake it comes good. But what difference will it make anyway?
What is it like to feel like this?
For me it’s ever changing, which probably makes it sound even more ridiculous. It’s difficult to describe, like my head rules my body. The outside world scares me, feels more “dream like” than reality. I know it’s real but it feels fake, when I’m out there all I seem to do is ponder existential thoughts constantly. I’m on edge, I feel spaced out… like I’m “high” I struggle to live “in the moment” I practise mindfulness, I try mediate when I can. I can free up my thinking and enjoy the moment for some time, but I always return to the same old patterns. Imprisoned by it. Imprisoned in my own mind… How do I break free?
I’m trying, I’m trying hard… and when it doesn’t work it sets me back even further. I’m back online, constantly googling, trying to get to the bottom of it. Is this anxiety, am I going crazy, what is wrong with me?
I think I know the answer…
My answer is to accept the thoughts and let them pass, it’s easier said than done, and it’s all I seem to do is latch back on to the first one that “scares” me or doesn’t feel right.
The thoughts I have are crazy, and they scare me. Put me on edge… which reinforces them. It almost feels like my mind is forcing myself to think them, to put me in that state. I’m used to carnage anyway, it’s all I’ve known for my whole adult life. Is that maybe why I feel like this? The break from the carnage, the lies, deception, worries… now I’m free does my head want more? Want back to it’s “normality”. I certainly don’t feel free. In actual fact I probably feel less liberated than when I was a mad gambler.
How can this be? I know these things are just thoughts, I don’t truly believe them or they wouldn’t scare me, but yet they still linger. I want them to go, it’s like a proper pest living in your own head. Two different minds.
While writing this it feels like I know the answer, but how do I achieve it?
The thoughts I have feel too close to reality not to latch on and ponder them. How do I get a break from it? I just want to know I am not going crazy, I couldn’t imagine anything worse. My biggest fear. For then I would lose my family, lose my mind and lose myself. I need out of this emotional numbness too, forced feelings instead of being full of serenity and excitement for my future and for each day. I’m stuck in my own mental turmoil. I need out. I need free.