View Full Version : legitimate illness and reassurance
there have been a few threads lately that made me think about this topic. when someone has a legitimate illness, do you think a little reassurance is ok to calm them down? I do. I think that if someone with HA has an illness(say,ahem, the flu, for example), the HA fear is going to cause them to be even more panicked than a non HA person. and yes, i know ALOT of friends who are panicked about this flu thing, and they are not HA sufferers.
so, i think it's ok to come here and ask for some reassurance. maybe just some facts, some reminders, that will help stop the panic. then turn it into talking about anxiety, and how to cope.
now i get it, everyone thinks that their illness of the day is legitmate, but i'm talking about a confirmed diagnosis. illnesses are concerning for the normal person, and having an illness combined HA is very unpleasant. it's very scary.
having this board to come to for support for me, is very comforting. i hope that i can still post about something that scares me, get comforted dowsn to a non panic level, then get some feedback on how to handle it as well as i can. it's nice to have others who know that overreaction feeling, so they empathize. i think empathy is very important.
I think that's a totally different kettle of fish to what we're generally talking about when we're reluctant to give reassurance. If someone has a genuine physical illness and needs support it's a totally different conversation.
so, i think it's ok to come here and ask for some reassurance. maybe just some facts, some reminders, that will help stop the panic. then turn it into talking about anxiety, and how to cope.
Yeah, I agree, up to a point. I think many of us found this forum because we were scared of something and our first posts were reassurance posts, and we learnt a lot about anxiety while we were here.
And any problem with posts certainly isn't a blanket one of people looking for reassurance. It's not people struggling with working through their anxiety who fall off the wagon from time to time and need help to get them on track. It's people whose sole reason for being here is to use it as a constant medical advice service without ever addressing the real illness they have - and it's as much for their own mental health than our frustration.
There's no harm to come on and seek some comfort when you're really sick BUT... to come on knowing you have the flu or a cold (just some recent examples) and freaking out about some deadly illness is the line in the sand.
Nothing wrong with I have the (place common illness here) and feel like poo and getting a "sorry.. hope you feel better soon".
Positive thoughts
Reassurance is always detrimental to healing.
i disagree.my point is ....think coming on here with the flu is legit. it is scary right now, even for normal people. and for HA sufferers it can cause panic. i think it's ok to come here and say i have the flu and i'm scared. and not just get a "feel better " response, but a real response, with facts and figures that can calm you down and remind you not to panic.
and also, so you don't feel so alone in your fear. ideally, that is what support in a group is for, to help you realize you are not alone, and that you can get through it.
i disagree about this type of "reassurance". i think it's different.
also, this is an anxiety board, a health anxiety board. you kinda expect people who suffer from HA, who come on here, to have anxiety, especially if they have an illness. if they didn't, then they wouldn't need this board....
TheGroundhog
06-02-18, 14:46
But this board should be used to help with anxiety not platitudes about what may or may not be wrong with someone physically, reassurance will always prevent recovery. It just puts you in a vicious circle.
My very strict therapy rules (which pretty much keep me on the straight and narrow) mean I can't seek reassurance from anyone, for any illness, real or imagined.
Anything that goes on for more than 8 weeks I'll seek advice from an HCP. But I won't ask anyone else about it including my partner, I won't even tell him what's going on other than I have a Drs appointment. He knows not to ask. If I had (for example) the flu and asked him if he thinks I'm okay, or if I have a temp, or if I look better than yesterday, he'll say no more than 'no idea' or 'maybe'.
Reassurance is what every HA sufferer wants and the worst thing they can be given. Learning to live with insecurity and the unknown is the important bit. HA is all about control.
But this board should be used to help with anxiety not platitudes about what may or may not be wrong with someone physically, reassurance will always prevent recovery. It just puts you in a vicious circle.
My very strict therapy rules (which pretty much keep me on the straight and narrow) mean I can't seek reassurance from anyone, for any illness, real or imagined.
Anything that goes on for more than 8 weeks I'll seek advice from an HCP. But I won't ask anyone else about it including my partner, I won't even tell him what's going on other than I have a Drs appointment. He knows not to ask. If I had (for example) the flu and asked him if he thinks I'm okay, or if I have a temp, or if I look better than yesterday, he'll say no more than 'no idea' or 'maybe'.
Reassurance is what every HA sufferer wants and the worst thing they can be given. Learning to live with insecurity and the unknown is the important bit. HA is all about control.
Hats off to you, that is very impressive.
Did you work your way up this or go cold turkey?
I feel the problem about re-assuring people about things like colds and flu is very much the thin edge of the wedge.
From the posts we have had recently they seem to follow the pattern of
"I have flu"
"I have a temp is this normal"
"I feel sore is this normal"
"Should I go to A&E/ER"
These are all questions that we should be able to answer for ourselves and asking for re-assurance is feeding back into the HA cycle.
and not just get a "feel better " response, but a real response, with facts and figures that can calm you down and remind you not to panic. Well, Cofo, I did exactly that for you on your flu thread....I made a number of responses that were aimed at trying to calm you and reminding you not to panic. (as did a couple of others) I understood your fears about flu as we have had a lot of US people here with that same fear, but I responded as I thought best from the few facts I had about you in that post. A 'real response with facts and figures' may not be something we can do, we aren't professionals, we aren't paid to reply, we don't have facts and figures for every possible human illness at our fingertips, we aren't anything other than people like you sat at the end of our p.c. trying to help. I didn't have an issue with you posting your flu fear, especially as you were a new user. (If you recall we did have 'a few words' as you weren't terribly happy with the response from first poster, and then later on with my response. However, that is in the past and I put that down to you being highly anxious and stressed.) I think if you get the feeling the person is listening, acting on your response and 'learning' from it then it is clearly a beneficial experience being here. If you feel the person comes back time and time again, and ignores you with an ever increasing chain of maladies, then it is tiresome and not beneficial. I think, and felt, from what you said that you were listening :)
I don't understand really the point you are making, maybe you could clarify? I think maybe you are mixing up all the debates we are having about recurring HA posters with your (hopefully) one off flu situation.
TheGroundhog
06-02-18, 15:54
Hats off to you, that is very impressive.
Did you work your way up this or go cold turkey?
I feel the problem about re-assuring people about things like colds and flu is very much the thin edge of the wedge.
From the posts we have had recently they seem to follow the pattern of
"I have flu"
"I have a temp is this normal"
"I feel sore is this normal"
"Should I go to A&E/ER"
These are all questions that we should be able to answer for ourselves and asking for re-assurance is feeding back into the HA cycle.
Technically cold turkey, though it was a long time ago, and I'd be lying if said I hadn't fallen on the wagon ;)
But every time I did I just reinforced my understanding of how dangerous it is and how quickly you spiral.
And the desire is still there. I have something going on ATM, i think I would love some reassurance, but realistically know what a bad idea it would be. Without the behaviours that feed your fears, your anxiety decreases quite quickly. But stopping the behaviours is hard. It's addictive.
Well, Cofo, I did exactly that for you on your flu thread....I made a number of responses that were aimed at trying to calm you and reminding you not to panic. (as did a couple of others) I understood your fears about flu as we have had a lot of US people here with that same fear, but I responded as I thought best from the few facts I had about you in that post. A 'real response with facts and figures' may not be something we can do, we aren't professionals, we aren't paid to reply, we don't have facts and figures for every possible human illness at our fingertips, we aren't anything other than people like you sat at the end of our p.c. trying to help. I didn't have an issue with you posting your flu fear, especially as you were a new user. (If you recall we did have 'a few words' as you weren't terribly happy with the response from first poster, and then later on with my response. However, that is in the past and I put that down to you being highly anxious and stressed.) I think if you get the feeling the person is listening, acting on your response and 'learning' from it then it is clearly a beneficial experience being here. If you feel the person comes back time and time again, and ignores you with an ever increasing chain of maladies, then it is tiresome and not beneficial. I think, and felt, from what you said that you were listening :)
I don't understand really the point you are making, maybe you could clarify? I think maybe you are mixing up all the debates we are having about recurring HA posters with your (hopefully) one off flu situation.
i am here because i have HA. that is my point. i don't think you should expect peope on an HA forum to not have HA.
This is an anxiety forum, we expect you to admit that you have irrational fears due to anxiety, not to some other illness that you think is going to kill you.
i am here because i have HA. that is my point. i don't think you should expect peope on an HA forum to not have HA. I don't think anyone has said that. You do understand though right that as axolotl said, there is a difference between constant reassurance seeking for an extended period of time and you posting once about the flu ?
(You had another thread, about catching germs from a smell of meat in a bin. I made a long final post on it, did you see it?)
Well maybe I am odd but, if I have a bug of some sort, i may be very fed up and miserable but, as long as I know it is a virus, i am not frightened. If anything my HA is better at this time. I always dread catching tummy bugs but am not frightened in the same way as with HA.
Technically cold turkey, though it was a long time ago, and I'd be lying if said I hadn't fallen on the wagon ;)
But every time I did I just reinforced my understanding of how dangerous it is and how quickly you spiral.
And the desire is still there. I have something going on ATM, i think I would love some reassurance, but realistically know what a bad idea it would be. Without the behaviours that feed your fears, your anxiety decreases quite quickly. But stopping the behaviours is hard. It's addictive.
I hope your fears turn out to be groundless re your health concern. I agree that these HA behaviours are addictive but many on here would disagree.
But this board should be used to help with anxiety not platitudes about what may or may not be wrong with someone physically, reassurance will always prevent recovery. It just puts you in a vicious circle.
My very strict therapy rules (which pretty much keep me on the straight and narrow) mean I can't seek reassurance from anyone, for any illness, real or imagined.
Anything that goes on for more than 8 weeks I'll seek advice from an HCP. But I won't ask anyone else about it including my partner, I won't even tell him what's going on other than I have a Drs appointment. He knows not to ask. If I had (for example) the flu and asked him if he thinks I'm okay, or if I have a temp, or if I look better than yesterday, he'll say no more than 'no idea' or 'maybe'.
Reassurance is what every HA sufferer wants and the worst thing they can be given. Learning to live with insecurity and the unknown is the important bit. HA is all about control.
This is probably the most helpful thing I've read on this board. I'm going to start a new thread with this info.
I do wonder how many people are on this forum because they can’t get anyone else IRL to listen to them talking about their symptoms. There are many threads I have read that any mentions of an OP’s symptoms being anxiety completely ignored, and instead we get pages of argument why they are indeed sick, and it’s not anxiety. This is a forum to support people with HA with an aim to recover from HA. So I don’t see any issues with people challenging each other if they are doing something that is detrimental to their recovery, e.g. reassurance seeking or Googling.
Recovery is hard, and I am sorry that is sucks so bad. But just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not doable. People with their HA in remission are not special, they just did the work. And yeah, they have gone through hell to get to where they are, but so can anyone else.
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I do wonder how many people are on this forum because they can’t get anyone else IRL to listen to them talking about their symptoms. There are many threads I have read that any mentions of an OP’s symptoms being anxiety completely ignored, and instead we get pages of argument why they are indeed sick, and it’s not anxiety. This is a forum to support people with HA with an aim to recover from HA. So I don’t see any issues with people challenging each other if they are doing something that is detrimental to their recovery, e.g. reassurance seeking or Googling.
Recovery is hard, and I am sorry that is sucks so bad. But just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not doable. People with their HA in remission are not special, they just did the work. And yeah, they have gone through hell to get to where they are, but so can anyone else.
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Great post, ryan.
Good stuff Ryan ! I agree with you, I think for some HA sufferers they generally hit a 'problem' IRL; everybody is fed up around them and nobody will listen anymore.
Good stuff Ryan ! I agree with you, I think for some HA sufferers they generally hit a 'problem' IRL; everybody is fed up around them and nobody will listen anymore.
Can you blame them? It is very tedious having people talk about their symptoms all the time without showing interest in anyone else and what they may be doing..
budgie1979
07-02-18, 17:16
Recovery is hard, and I am sorry that is sucks so bad. But just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not doable. People with their HA in remission are not special, they just did the work. And yeah, they have gone through hell to get to where they are, but so can anyone else.
Your points are very good, and I agree it can be frustrating to feel like you are going around in circles with posters seeking reassurance. However, I do wish that those who are having success with their recovery would share a bit more about what has worked for them and what the process has been like. Personally, having been recovered in the past, and relapsed, I find it most helpful to be reminded of things that I can do to address my HA (beyond the old "seek help for your anxiety" advice). It can be very hard when you are in therapy and "doing the work" but are still struggling on a daily basis, and I think it's very helpful to get real advice from people who have been there and overcome it, especially when family and friends either can't or don't want to help.
I guess in my ideal world this board would act a bit more like a support group. Offer some sympathy for what the poster is going through, share personal stories of how you overcame something similar, and remind the poster of some things they can do now to address their anxiety and find a bit of relief (not reassurance--things like exercise, meditation, journaling, or other techniques to reduce anxiety in the moment and change thinking patterns). Things like TheGroundhog's strict rule of not seeking reassurance from anywhere (including doctors unless it's been going on 8 weeks) are the kind of advice I think we need more of. Different things work for different people, and therapists don't all have the same approach, so even those of us in therapy may learn something new that we hadn't tried.
paranoid-viking
07-02-18, 18:30
there have been a few threads lately that made me think about this topic. when someone has a legitimate illness, do you think a little reassurance is ok to calm them down? I do. I think that if someone with HA has an illness(say,ahem, the flu, for example), the HA fear is going to cause them to be even more panicked than a non HA person. and yes, i know ALOT of friends who are panicked about this flu thing, and they are not HA sufferers.
so, i think it's ok to come here and ask for some reassurance. maybe just some facts, some reminders, that will help stop the panic. then turn it into talking about anxiety, and how to cope.
now i get it, everyone thinks that their illness of the day is legitmate, but i'm talking about a confirmed diagnosis. illnesses are concerning for the normal person, and having an illness combined HA is very unpleasant. it's very scary.
having this board to come to for support for me, is very comforting. i hope that i can still post about something that scares me, get comforted dowsn to a non panic level, then get some feedback on how to handle it as well as i can. it's nice to have others who know that overreaction feeling, so they empathize. i think empathy is very important.
It is a tough question. It depends. No one should give people false hopes if faced with something serious or something that could be very serious. I mean, support and empathy, yes, but not "nah, it is nothing, dont worry mate". If some people suffers jaundice or blood in urine that is symptoms to be taken very seriously and which needs to be checked up. It may be something harmless, but it may be something very harmfull so reassurance it is nothing can be very dangerous. There is a sticky thread here titled "never ask for medical advice on NMP". I partly agree on that. I mean, if we talk about serious symptoms and conditions. But sometimes it is perfectly OK and even good like when people ask, well....silly(not that the people are silly, but their questions are)questions like "can i get rabies from my perfectly healthy pet dog" or "can I get HIV from a toilet seat" or "can I get a BRAIN EATING SOMETHING from drinking pure and clean tap water"; yes then it is perfetly acceptable to give reassurance. In fact, it is better that they post such questions here than bothering the doctors time with that and even stealing time from more needy patients.
I do want to add that if indeed you are diagnosed with an illness like IBS, BFS etc, then it's perfectly acceptable to find and join a forum to discuss and and ask questions. But... until that time, don't be joining any cancer sites or the like. It's disrespectful to those actually suffering.
I found this site due to people with HA posting their fears (and the same pattern of reassurance seeking) on the cancer site I was part of. Admin was quick to act and they were banned. Don't be that person.
Positive thoughts
It is a tough question. It depends. No one should give people false hopes if faced with something serious or something that could be very serious. I mean, support and empathy, yes, but not "nah, it is nothing, dont worry mate". If some people suffers jaundice or blood in urine that is symptoms to be taken very seriously and which needs to be checked up. It may be something harmless, but it may be something very harmfull so reassurance it is nothing can be very dangerous. There is a sticky thread here titled "never ask for medical advice on NMP". I partly agree on that. I mean, if we talk about serious symptoms and conditions. But sometimes it is perfectly OK and even good like when people ask, well....silly(not that the people are silly, but their questions are)questions like "can i get rabies from my perfectly healthy pet dog" or "can I get HIV from a toilet seat" or "can I get a BRAIN EATING SOMETHING from drinking pure and clean tap water"; yes then it is perfetly acceptable to give reassurance. In fact, it is better that they post such questions here than bothering the doctors time with that and even stealing time from more needy patients.
This isn't a medical advice forum, it's an anxiety forum, so aren't people going to err on presuming people here have anxiety and that's the likely cause of their symptoms? If someone wants real sober medical advice why would they choose a forum of people who are mainly hypochondriacs themselves? I've never understood that. It's like going on a forum called "I'm rubbish at IDing wild birds" and asking them to tell you what bird you've photographed.
And we've had this discussion before, yes the brain eating amoeba fearers are extreme examples, but choosing any random disease you don't have and fixating on it is no different at heart.
MyNameIsTerry
08-02-18, 01:43
It is a tough question. It depends. No one should give people false hopes if faced with something serious or something that could be very serious. I mean, support and empathy, yes, but not "nah, it is nothing, dont worry mate". If some people suffers jaundice or blood in urine that is symptoms to be taken very seriously and which needs to be checked up. It may be something harmless, but it may be something very harmfull so reassurance it is nothing can be very dangerous. There is a sticky thread here titled "never ask for medical advice on NMP". I partly agree on that. I mean, if we talk about serious symptoms and conditions. But sometimes it is perfectly OK and even good like when people ask, well....silly(not that the people are silly, but their questions are)questions like "can i get rabies from my perfectly healthy pet dog" or "can I get HIV from a toilet seat" or "can I get a BRAIN EATING SOMETHING from drinking pure and clean tap water"; yes then it is perfetly acceptable to give reassurance. In fact, it is better that they post such questions here than bothering the doctors time with that and even stealing time from more needy patients.
There is a difference between feeding reassurance seeking behaviours and ignoring symptoms that can't be anxiety. Wouldn't a non anxiety sufferer consult their GP if they were urinating blood? But would a non anxiety sufferer worry they have cancer, and see their GP, because they are tired or have a bruise?
And no, I don't think giving reassurance to a reassurance seeker when there are hard facts to challenge it is good at all. Why feed a rabies reassurance seeker but not feed a cancer one? The underlying drivers are going to be the same and compulsion reinforces obsession. Not learning to break the chain in stopping that compulsion means an OCD sufferer will keep feeding their fear.
So, why not get the facts out to them and get them to challenge their thinking?
Reassurance isn't bad, it's reassurance seeking negative behaviours just as anxiety is normal but anxiety disorders mean there is a problem. All human beings might need reassurance at some point in their lives but to be chasing it to the detriment of your health is another matter. It's about normal parameters. One important thing I was taught is that setting impossible goals is setting yourself up for failure. This is why they tell us the goal is not eliminate anxiety or intrusive thoughts, etc but to reduce return to what is considered a normal set of parameters i.e. no longer a disorder.
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