Not sure what's wrong need helpful advice

[Jimbobby]

Hi guys,

I'm not sure if I am experiencing anxiety/depression and need some advice if you could help. I will try and some up briefly my situation below if you could take the time to read it would be greatly appreciated.


About 4 years ago I was in a good place but there is a specific moment I remember I started to get wrapped up in my head.

I went out drinking with family and freinds and ended getting absolutely paralytic, any way I ended up groping a woman inappropriately! It wasn't anything too serious from what I'm told or remember but obviously wrong. After waking up the thought of me doing it hit me like a train and I became flooded with guilt to a ridiculous degree! Constantly playing it over and over in my mind and imagining people judging me and condemning me, I felt as if I'd stained myself in some way even though I knew it was ridiculous I couldn't shake it.

I carried on like that for almost 2 and a half years having periods when it wasn't bothering me to having it pop into my mind shaking it off and repeating.

That was until around 12 months ago when I heard of a local guy who was apparently a peodphile and committed suicide then the guy from the band "Linkin Park" who also killed himself and all of a sudden the thought popped into my head "what if you ended up doing that" it was instant and I felt it grab me.

Now that has completely taken over my mind all I can think of is "what if" "what if" or "you might be depressed and end up doing that" constantly trying to find comparisons with myself and others who have done it.

I have absolutely no desire to do that and it's ridiculous! I have a loving wife (who I've shared with) a good group of friends, 2 great kids and a steady income but it has struck a chord and now everything I do seems to remind me of it and it's having a strain on my life to some degree.

Ive done lots of tests online and keep scoring relatively low on the anxiety and depression also I'm am on week 6 of at home mindfullness course which is helping a little. But there is obviously and issue and I would just like some advice from anyone more expirianced in this.

Am I depressed/suffering from anxiety??

Thanks for reading. :)

[Carys]

OK, I'll set the ball rolling......but I bet lots of others come along too with far more experience and thoughts about your situation :D These are just opinions, and I'm not a medical person. (disclaimer lol)

I think you are a sensitive and caring person, deeply so, and it is my feeling that maybe you are suffering from 'intrusive thoughts', they can be linked to anxiety or obsessive compulsive conditions, but they can also be free-floating and a problem on their own. Compulsive intrusive thoughts are painful, the more you think about them the more they come and the more fearful you become of them. Often things like 'I could lose control and do this or that' are part of it, which is why I recognise the 'I might do what the paedophile did and kill myself'. It is not at all likely that you would do that, but you have a fear that you 'might' do it it becomes scary.

What you did, goodness me a small mistake which you won't be alone in having done - who hasn't done something silly when drunk - was so removed from your usual moral code that it is continuing to shock you. That is good news in one way, you were upset about, but bad news because you are unable to move on from it despite trying to rationalise it. It is a trauma for you emotionally and psychologically, that you are struggling to get past, rather like (and I'm not saying it was as bad as this is!) for those people who accidentally run someone over and struggle to move past it. It sounds like it has also affected your self-esteem, which is something you are struggling to get back on track.

I don't know if you are anxious in general, but you are certainly anxious about this....I don't know if you feel low in general, but you certainly sound it about this one particular incident. I think the fact that the alcohol made you do something so out of character, has made you question over and over if you would/could do something out of character again - and hence questioning if you 'could' do something else out of character like the paedophile you mentioned. I can answer that, no you won't, intrusive thoughts are just that ...unwanted thoughts and that is all they are.

You mentioned talking to your wife about this? What are her feelings? and your friends?

(I've tried to find a link to intrusive thoughts on this board, in the articles section, but not found one yet)

[Jimbobby]

Yea I've read a lot into intrusive thoughts. I didn't mention but there was another element before the irrational fears of suicide I was having fears that I may myself be a peodophile! Trying to come up with vague memories to support that. But I wasn't sure if that was intrusive thoughts as it's just almost instantly jumped from hat to what if you killed your self and now the peodophile thing isn't an issue??

Ive always been somewhat neurotic/obsevive and I think I may have a mild case of social anxiety (I will avoid social situations where there are people there I'm not very familiar with and we have to eat as I get shaky hands) very niche!!

But I am generally a grounded calm person in most areas of my life. Up until recently.

I have shared with my wife and she echoes a lot of what you said like "your punishing yourself" or "you wouldn't do that"

---------- Post added at 20:19 ---------- Previous post was at 20:18 ----------

Thank you for your response by the way.

Forgot to say that ��

---------- Post added at 20:39 ---------- Previous post was at 20:19 ----------

Sorry just to clarify not fears that I was a peodophile (I knew I was not) more fears that I could be judged as one. Then it jumped to the other thing.

[Carys]

It sounds very much to me like you are the sort of person who would benefit from some counselling, general counselling. You are already trying mindfulness, which is a great thing to learn and shows that you are very motivated towards learning about and improving your mental health. Through that process of general counselling, you could explore your possible social anxiety, any OCD thought processes?, the incident itself and learn ways to resolve and deal with intrusive thoughts and generally try and understand what is going on for you at the moment.