Sesame Seed
11-02-18, 03:10
Hello,
My name is Stef and while I'm new to posting, I have found this forum in the past when searching for symptom connections in relation to my anxiety. I have had high stress/anxiety/depression my whole life due to what I went through with severe abuse as a toddler to a teen, which has led to OCD and PTSD. However, I wasn't really aware of stress and anxiety until fairly recently since everything in my life was always really difficult and unfortunately still is. Forewarning this is a bit of a long post.
That said, what brings me here started with my first panic attack three years ago which is a long story, but likely what started me down the rabbit hole of what has become really severe health and death anxiety. Things got severe after my grandmother, the person I was closest to unexpectedly passed away, which came a month after my ex mother in law who I was also fairly close to passed unexpectedly as well. I actually don't completely remember nearly three weeks after my grandmother passing it was so bad, but somehow I was functioning. As I came out of my fog a friend of mine was hit and killed by a car.
I dealt with really bad obsessions with death and fear of dying, which had started with my first panic attack, which was great for pulling me away from the suicidal thoughts I'd lived with since I was 4 (I am 36 now). However, I started severely worrying about my health to the point I was in emergency rooms nearly bi-weekly and seeing doctors weekly, for everything. I thought I had DVT, heart problems (which to be fair do run in my family), stroke (my grandma and ex MIL died of strokes), embolism... You name it, I thought I was dealing with it.
I kept dealing with it (not well) for a few months, I was then triggered shortly after that by a 3 am phone call that there had been an accident with my boyfriend, he hurt himself cycling and ended up having to have surgery for a severely broken collarbone. I had to quit my job to care for him. Just a month after, my kitty who means the world to me (she's a rescue I got at 5 days old), 11 years old at the time puked up blood. It took me 2 months of round the clock care to bring her back to health. She is now an insulin dependent diabetic, with gallstones and IBS. Just another stress to add to my ever growing anxiety.
Not long after that my boyfriend was having issues and ended up in the emergency room to find out he had superior vena cava syndrome, severely enough he was lucky to be alive. To avoid making this longer, it was caused by a rare (less than 1%) cancer called thymic cancer. It took a bit of time for a proper diagnoses it's so rare, his was stage 4. VERY lucky to be alive. I had been fundraising and doing odd jobs at this point to pay for our survival, and had to continue to do so as my boyfriend required chemo to see if they could even do open heart surgery to remove the tumor. His veins made new pathways so he was a landmine... After the second strongest chemo available for several months he was lucky to be part of the 50% that worked out properly for open heart surgery. Yet another long story, which after involved radiation because they couldn't get all of the tumor. 9 months, I did not know if my boyfriend would be alive when I woke up.
I somehow managed to control stuff well enough to care for him, by myself as his family doesn't live anywhere near and man it was no easy feat, one of the hardest things I've ever done which is hard to say. Between him and my kitty, they kept me on my toes.
However, it didn't end there. Just as things seemed to be getting slightly better, in hopes for some ability to process all of this I lost a close friend, my age, unexpectedly. No idea how she died, but she left a son. Then another friend, also my age, same reason, 4 kids. I also moved shortly before my first friend passed to a new state to start a school I got into, in attempt to start life over and make something good. While there I lost my last grandparent, my other grandmother, as well as, another friend around my age.
Without processing time and so much uncertainty and death I've been in an intense spiral. I've had to entirely focus on this school program which has ZERO exceptions. It's another story of stress and anxiety.
I feel I had mostly been doing better, but am still very triggered every single time I hear of a death of anyone, particularly those that are young. While I've lessened going to the doctors significantly, the flu is my latest trigger as my boyfriend's good friend had a young friend die from it, he was totally healthy. Two days later another friend of mine passed away due to diabetic complications.
I have found myself spiraling again, avoiding the doctor but checking a lot. Right now I carry a thermometer with me and check my temperature way too much. I'm terrified I'll catch the flu and die, though I don't often get too sick. I just feel very uncertain.
Anyways, that's the shortest I could make my story of my journey detailing why I have health and death anxiety now. It's helpful to know others deal with this too. While I do my best to avoid google, I'm already pretty versed in medical knowledge which has not been entirely helpful despite trying to be absolutely rational. It's mostly been that I know what to look for and do constant checks.
It's nice to meet you all and hopefully we can all find some peace with this insanity that is anxiety.
Cheers,
Stef
My name is Stef and while I'm new to posting, I have found this forum in the past when searching for symptom connections in relation to my anxiety. I have had high stress/anxiety/depression my whole life due to what I went through with severe abuse as a toddler to a teen, which has led to OCD and PTSD. However, I wasn't really aware of stress and anxiety until fairly recently since everything in my life was always really difficult and unfortunately still is. Forewarning this is a bit of a long post.
That said, what brings me here started with my first panic attack three years ago which is a long story, but likely what started me down the rabbit hole of what has become really severe health and death anxiety. Things got severe after my grandmother, the person I was closest to unexpectedly passed away, which came a month after my ex mother in law who I was also fairly close to passed unexpectedly as well. I actually don't completely remember nearly three weeks after my grandmother passing it was so bad, but somehow I was functioning. As I came out of my fog a friend of mine was hit and killed by a car.
I dealt with really bad obsessions with death and fear of dying, which had started with my first panic attack, which was great for pulling me away from the suicidal thoughts I'd lived with since I was 4 (I am 36 now). However, I started severely worrying about my health to the point I was in emergency rooms nearly bi-weekly and seeing doctors weekly, for everything. I thought I had DVT, heart problems (which to be fair do run in my family), stroke (my grandma and ex MIL died of strokes), embolism... You name it, I thought I was dealing with it.
I kept dealing with it (not well) for a few months, I was then triggered shortly after that by a 3 am phone call that there had been an accident with my boyfriend, he hurt himself cycling and ended up having to have surgery for a severely broken collarbone. I had to quit my job to care for him. Just a month after, my kitty who means the world to me (she's a rescue I got at 5 days old), 11 years old at the time puked up blood. It took me 2 months of round the clock care to bring her back to health. She is now an insulin dependent diabetic, with gallstones and IBS. Just another stress to add to my ever growing anxiety.
Not long after that my boyfriend was having issues and ended up in the emergency room to find out he had superior vena cava syndrome, severely enough he was lucky to be alive. To avoid making this longer, it was caused by a rare (less than 1%) cancer called thymic cancer. It took a bit of time for a proper diagnoses it's so rare, his was stage 4. VERY lucky to be alive. I had been fundraising and doing odd jobs at this point to pay for our survival, and had to continue to do so as my boyfriend required chemo to see if they could even do open heart surgery to remove the tumor. His veins made new pathways so he was a landmine... After the second strongest chemo available for several months he was lucky to be part of the 50% that worked out properly for open heart surgery. Yet another long story, which after involved radiation because they couldn't get all of the tumor. 9 months, I did not know if my boyfriend would be alive when I woke up.
I somehow managed to control stuff well enough to care for him, by myself as his family doesn't live anywhere near and man it was no easy feat, one of the hardest things I've ever done which is hard to say. Between him and my kitty, they kept me on my toes.
However, it didn't end there. Just as things seemed to be getting slightly better, in hopes for some ability to process all of this I lost a close friend, my age, unexpectedly. No idea how she died, but she left a son. Then another friend, also my age, same reason, 4 kids. I also moved shortly before my first friend passed to a new state to start a school I got into, in attempt to start life over and make something good. While there I lost my last grandparent, my other grandmother, as well as, another friend around my age.
Without processing time and so much uncertainty and death I've been in an intense spiral. I've had to entirely focus on this school program which has ZERO exceptions. It's another story of stress and anxiety.
I feel I had mostly been doing better, but am still very triggered every single time I hear of a death of anyone, particularly those that are young. While I've lessened going to the doctors significantly, the flu is my latest trigger as my boyfriend's good friend had a young friend die from it, he was totally healthy. Two days later another friend of mine passed away due to diabetic complications.
I have found myself spiraling again, avoiding the doctor but checking a lot. Right now I carry a thermometer with me and check my temperature way too much. I'm terrified I'll catch the flu and die, though I don't often get too sick. I just feel very uncertain.
Anyways, that's the shortest I could make my story of my journey detailing why I have health and death anxiety now. It's helpful to know others deal with this too. While I do my best to avoid google, I'm already pretty versed in medical knowledge which has not been entirely helpful despite trying to be absolutely rational. It's mostly been that I know what to look for and do constant checks.
It's nice to meet you all and hopefully we can all find some peace with this insanity that is anxiety.
Cheers,
Stef