I feel like I'll never get better

[budgie1979]

Really struggling at the moment.

It seems like this latest flare of HA just won't go away. I go from one fear right into another with barely a single good day in between. I've been in this flare since at least October, but it was coming on gradually even before then. I just don't know what to do anymore. I started on Prozac (only a little over 3 weeks in, so I don't expect results for a while yet). I also started seeing a new therapist, because 7 years of CBT with my prior therapist was not terribly effective, got 3 sessions in with the new therapist, and now she is leaving the practice so I have to find someone else. They were supposed to call me last week to set me up with a new therapist, but no one ever called.

I just want to be able to feel healthy again. My latest obsession is food contamination. Right now I'm panicking because I ate some raw oysters last night at a restaurant and am sure I'm going to come down with vibrio bacteria (had diarrhea this morning, of course). Last week it was shrimp that I prepared myself and was afraid they were undercooked. A few weeks before that it was romaine lettuce with the e. coli scare in the US and Canada. I hate this and can't live this way anymore, but I have no idea where to turn from here. I'm just so tired of feeling sick every single day.

[Halle0587]

Hey,

I just want you to know you’re not alone. I cried on the way home from a mommy group with my son because I hate feeling this way. It’s horrible. People don’t understand who don’t have it. It’s not a choice. We WANT to get better. For me, I struggle with a new ache or pain and worry if I give it the ‘wait and see’ I’ll regret not getting help sooner. Jaw pain (probably TMJ spiking due to stress), shoulder and neck pain (probably tense from my current long term bout of anxiety), headaches (most likely tension), rapid heart rate (probably anxiety, even though it seems all day and not in a panic attack.) Compile them all together and rather than chalking it up to anxiety, I’m fearing a heart attack. What if it is? I worry, cause more symptoms, then worry more. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anxiety would be so much easier if it was just mental without physical symptoms, at least I feel like it would be.

I hope you find a new therapist. I had to start fresh last Thursday. It’s a process, but she offers treatments my last therapist didn’t. He was more of a come in and vent, she started me on EFT-tapping. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I’ll do anything (except medicine-I’m not good with medicine) to make this go away. So I’m tapping away currently!

[cattia]

I totally understand. I've felt like this a lot recently. I've been in a downward spiral for around a year now although the summer was the worst, things have improved a bit since then but the anxious thoughts are always there ready to pounce. I wish I could offer some advice but really I am in the same boat. However I think all you can do is keep moving forward a tiny step at a time and even though your progress may feel slow, at least it is progress. I hope you manage to find a new therapist. I have been on Prozac before, it was a long time ago but it did help; in fact it's the only SSRI that I have found really beneficial.

[budgie1979]

Hey,

I hope you find a new therapist. I had to start fresh last Thursday. It’s a process, but she offers treatments my last therapist didn’t. He was more of a come in and vent, she started me on EFT-tapping. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I’ll do anything (except medicine-I’m not good with medicine) to make this go away. So I’m tapping away currently!

Thanks for your reply. I've heard of EFT-tapping, but never tried it. It sounds interesting, and I hope it helps for you. Can't hurt, right? I totally get being willing to try anything.

I suppose I have to call over to the therapists' office and prod them. Of course, I have phone anxiety too, so I have to work up to that. Worst case scenario, I have a follow up with my psychiatrist (same practice) in two weeks so will address it with him if I can't get set up with a new therapist in the meantime.

---------- Post added at 13:33 ---------- Previous post was at 13:28 ----------


I totally understand. I've felt like this a lot recently. I've been in a downward spiral for around a year now although the summer was the worst, things have improved a bit since then but the anxious thoughts are always there ready to pounce. I wish I could offer some advice but really I am in the same boat. However I think all you can do is keep moving forward a tiny step at a time and even though your progress may feel slow, at least it is progress. I hope you manage to find a new therapist. I have been on Prozac before, it was a long time ago but it did help; in fact it's the only SSRI that I have found really beneficial.

Thanks. Even just knowing other people feel this way is helpful. My family doesn't get it--they try to be supportive, but I think it's so hard for people who don't have health anxiety to understand. My mom was like "Well, why did you eat oysters if you were going to worry about it?" Which, of course she is right, at the moment I should probably try to avoid triggers like that, but there's also that part of me that wants to live like I used to, eating stuff like oysters, sushi and cookie dough and being able to shrug off the risk.

[BazB44]

Yup. Never getting better. Crying all the time. Sitting here eating chocolate cake and feeling in dumpster

[budgie1979]

Yup. Never getting better. Crying all the time. Sitting here eating chocolate cake and feeling in dumpster

At least you have cake? :winks:

[Imeleedi]

At least you have cake? :winks:


He's right you know, you do have cake :yesyes:

[O_O]

I've felt this, and still do... though to a somewhat lesser extent at the moment.

I KNEW that I was going to die. No ifs or buts. I knew. And, somehow, five months on, I'm still alive. That in itself I wouldn't have believed in a million years at the time.

As for feeling better, I'm not there yet. But I'm better than I was. For the moment, anyway. I have good days and I'm beginning to function better, see people, go out, and eat more. Even this small amount of progress seemed unfeasible a few months ago. I knew I was going to die and even when I didn't it seemed utterly impossible that I would feel ok again.

Even now, I can't see how I'll ever be completely better. Even if I don't die (and I'm still struggling with the concept that I might not). But it is possible to emerge from the most dreadful, terrifying and darkest of places. Even if it's just a little. Or even if it's only for a while. I have! And I'm scared of going back to that place, and I don't want to take for granted that I won't. But the fact remains that, right now, I'm better than I was and I never thought that would be possible.

[budgie1979]

Even now, I can't see how I'll ever be completely better. Even if I don't die (and I'm still struggling with the concept that I might not). But it is possible to emerge from the most dreadful, terrifying and darkest of places. Even if it's just a little. Or even if it's only for a while. I have! And I'm scared of going back to that place, and I don't want to take for granted that I won't. But the fact remains that, right now, I'm better than I was and I never thought that would be possible.

Glad you're doing better! I'm not sure if anyone is ever really "cured" of health anxiety, or you just learn to handle it better and it becomes less debilitating. I've been through periods of recovery where I felt truly good, mentally and physically, so I know it's possible to get back to that point. It's just so difficult to remind yourself of that when you're in the middle of a downward spiral. Right now, I'm just trying to keep plugging along regardless of how crap I feel--getting up, taking my meds, going to work, making an effort to get to the gym a few times a week, forcing myself to eat regularly even when I don't feel like it. Everything feels 10x harder than it should, and I'm physically and mentally drained, but I refuse to surrender to this.

The sun finally came out here today after clouds and rain for almost a week, so I got out at lunch time and got some sun on my face and almost instantly felt so much better. Crazy how a little thing like that can change your outlook.

[sunset4820]

---------- Post added at 13:33 ---------- Previous post was at 13:28 ----------

[/COLOR]

Thanks. Even just knowing other people feel this way is helpful. My family doesn't get it--they try to be supportive, but I think it's so hard for people who don't have health anxiety to understand. My mom was like "Well, why did you eat oysters if you were going to worry about it?" Which, of course she is right, at the moment I should probably try to avoid triggers like that, but there's also that part of me that wants to live like I used to, eating stuff like oysters, sushi and cookie dough and being able to shrug off the risk.[/QUOTE]

I feel you on the difficulties of other people not understanding. I think thats why a lot of us came here. No one is going to ask why you ate them because we all know we just want to feel normal.

The worst is admitting that our anxieties can control decisions we make. One thing I tend to take away from my stubbornness to confront myself with situations I know will stress me out is that I must be damn strong to handle the little bit I can. Having anxiety can make you feel weak but we are all very strong to be here.

I know there isn't much to console how you are feeling now but remember all the "symptoms" you have are the exact symptoms panic gives you. Coincidence, I think not.

[budgie1979]

[SIZE=1]
The worst is admitting that our anxieties can control decisions we make. One thing I tend to take away from my stubbornness to confront myself with situations I know will stress me out is that I must be damn strong to handle the little bit I can. Having anxiety can make you feel weak but we are all very strong to be here.


Yep, when my husband ordered the oysters I had that flash of doubt, but I thought "What the heck, I used to eat them no problem. Other people in the restaurant are eating them without a second thought. Why shouldn't I?" And I was momentarily proud of myself for facing my anxiety. Then the "what ifs" crept in.

Oh well, it's exposure therapy I suppose. Just like Saturday when I had to get blood work for my annual physical, and had to face my fears of the flu by sitting in the same waiting room as the urgent care patients (why my doctor's office has the lab and urgent care share a waiting area I will never understand).

And yes, you are absolutely right, my symptoms can definitely be just anxiety, or a flare up of my IBS, or just one of those things that happen. I've been able to eat and had no recurrence so far today other than a rumbling tummy (which I get pretty frequently even when I'm feeling well), so I'm pretty sure I'm not actually dying of food poisoning. Just wish I could get my brain to stop jumping to conclusions. :doh:

[au Lait]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Last year around August or so I had my worst episode of HA. It lasted for months. It got to the point where I couldn't eat normal meals because of all my food related fears, among other things.

But I made it through, and you will too. I can't say my HA is completely gone, but it's definitely manageable now. For me I find I've had the best results using online resources and finding ways to work CBT-minded habits into my life on my own. This approach won't work for everyone, some will benefit more from the structured approach that a therapist can provide. I guess I just wanted to share my story to give hope to you, or anyone else reading this, who is struggling and feels like they've already tried all the traditional methods of controlling anxiety.

There are many ways to learn, grow, and manage anxiety. And sometimes it takes awhile to find the right combination that works. Don't become discouraged and don't give up. It feels like it's never going to stop when you're in the thick of it but now is not forever, and change will come.

[budgie1979]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. Last year around August or so I had my worst episode of HA. It lasted for months. It got to the point where I couldn't eat normal meals because of all my food related fears, among other things.

But I made it through, and you will too. I can't say my HA is completely gone, but it's definitely manageable now. For me I find I've had the best results using online resources and finding ways to work CBT-minded habits into my life on my own. This approach won't work for everyone, some will benefit more from the structured approach that a therapist can provide. I guess I just wanted to share my story to give hope to you, or anyone else reading this, who is struggling and feels like they've already tried all the traditional methods of controlling anxiety.

There are many ways to learn, grow, and manage anxiety. And sometimes it takes awhile to find the right combination that works. Don't become discouraged and don't give up. It feels like it's never going to stop when you're in the thick of it but now is not forever, and change will come.

Thanks. I have my good days and bad days, but I'm hoping that the good days will become more frequent. My mother says she has noticed some improvement since I've started on the meds, so even though I still feel pretty anxious, it seems I'm trending in the right direction. Today is a "good day" as I've just had my annual physical and all appears to be well apart from my cholesterol being up. I just have to remember that these good days exist when I'm in the grips of a bad day, I guess.