citoyenlambda
13-02-18, 04:52
I spent a few months barely thinking about my body. It vanished as suddenly as it came. In retrospect, it felt so good not to worry.
My mom's been dealing with atrial fibrillation lately and regularly takes her pulse with a blood pressure machine. These infernal contraptions :(
Seeing her take it so often triggered my deepest fear, "and what about me?" So I've begun taking it again. At first, just for "fun". Now I check it numerous times a day.
For one, my pulse is slow. Around 55 or so if I had to average it. It can go from 50 to 60. People tell me it's a "good thing" and indeed it can be a good thing, in athletes and healthy young people. Except I'm sedentary and obviously I'm not healthy...I mean, I'm not, right? So this number in fact spells catastrophe.
Then, my pressure. I get numbers like 118/65. That's good, right? Except of course I learned about this thing called pulse pressure, and the wider it is the worse it is, and of course the normal pulse pressure is 40, and that's a 53 right there...must mean my arteries are in terrible shape, rigid, and my heart is gonna give out any second.
I hate hearts. Seriously. I hate hearing them or feeling them beat. I hate seeing them. I hate thinking about them. One of the most important organs in my body is one I have little control over, it's an automatic pump, and I probably won't be able to tell something's wrong before the pipes are clogged or something else keeps it from doing its job. I don't trust hearts. They seem so fickle.
If I had my way I would pay for a battery of tests. Unfortunately I don't have the money and public healthcare won't do EKGs or X-Rays or whatever else they do to 27 years olds, even if he is a bit rotund (maybe 15 pounds to lose) and doesn't exercise, especially since I don't have any symptoms whatsoever other than weird numerical readings. I don't feel lightheaded. I don't have cold hands. I never fainted once in my life. I'm not overly tired. I can jog a mile (but just one) if I pace myself, but rapidly see improvement if I move regularly, so I'm not exercise intolerant, just in bad shape.
I want to go back to even a month ago. I thought I was free. But I remembered I have a heart.
My mom's been dealing with atrial fibrillation lately and regularly takes her pulse with a blood pressure machine. These infernal contraptions :(
Seeing her take it so often triggered my deepest fear, "and what about me?" So I've begun taking it again. At first, just for "fun". Now I check it numerous times a day.
For one, my pulse is slow. Around 55 or so if I had to average it. It can go from 50 to 60. People tell me it's a "good thing" and indeed it can be a good thing, in athletes and healthy young people. Except I'm sedentary and obviously I'm not healthy...I mean, I'm not, right? So this number in fact spells catastrophe.
Then, my pressure. I get numbers like 118/65. That's good, right? Except of course I learned about this thing called pulse pressure, and the wider it is the worse it is, and of course the normal pulse pressure is 40, and that's a 53 right there...must mean my arteries are in terrible shape, rigid, and my heart is gonna give out any second.
I hate hearts. Seriously. I hate hearing them or feeling them beat. I hate seeing them. I hate thinking about them. One of the most important organs in my body is one I have little control over, it's an automatic pump, and I probably won't be able to tell something's wrong before the pipes are clogged or something else keeps it from doing its job. I don't trust hearts. They seem so fickle.
If I had my way I would pay for a battery of tests. Unfortunately I don't have the money and public healthcare won't do EKGs or X-Rays or whatever else they do to 27 years olds, even if he is a bit rotund (maybe 15 pounds to lose) and doesn't exercise, especially since I don't have any symptoms whatsoever other than weird numerical readings. I don't feel lightheaded. I don't have cold hands. I never fainted once in my life. I'm not overly tired. I can jog a mile (but just one) if I pace myself, but rapidly see improvement if I move regularly, so I'm not exercise intolerant, just in bad shape.
I want to go back to even a month ago. I thought I was free. But I remembered I have a heart.