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KatiePink
20-02-18, 15:14
As the title says really, I'm very much struggling at the moment. In fact I'd say I've completely lost it.

I feel terrible writing this, but I'm so depressed. I feel completely overwhelmed with everything. Baby is hungry all the time, and has recently started crying every waking hour for no reason, she's sick quite a lot and it's terrifying, it shoots out so far and there's so much of it that it scares me. Midwife's have said it's fine, I don't think it is. Im worried there's something wrong with her, I'm constantly checking her when she's sleeping, but when she starts to wake up I get a feeling of dread, I'm worn out, last night I broke down in the kitchen at 2am crying uncontrollably then locked myself in my bedroom and my partner had to miss a day of work. He says he understands but his employer won't.

I feel utterly useless, I didn't give birth the right way and now I can't cope or comfort my baby. I love her so much, but I'm feeling like her and dad would be better off without me.

nomorepanic
20-02-18, 15:44
Hi

This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your post was moved from its original place to a sub-forum that is more relevant to your issue.

This is nothing personal - it just enables us to keep posts about the same problems in the relevant forums so other members with any experience with the issues can find them more easily.

Please also read this post:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=213239

venusbluejeans
20-02-18, 16:12
is there any way your partner can take paternity leave? he should be able to if he hasn't already

There are many reason why babies are sick a lot... some are just sicky babies and that is what they do. some drink way to fast so end up being sick. some have reflux and trapped wind, some just drink way too much for the stomach to handle

If you are worried about the vomiting head to the dr especially if you are bottle feeding (?) because they can test for intolerances and it may just be that her tummy doesn't like that particular type of milk

and also talk to the dr about how you are feeling xx

swgrl09
20-02-18, 16:44
Aw Katie, I am so sorry you are going through this. :hugs: Postpartum depression is actually very common. Does your doctor know you are feeling so down? They can help you with it. A lot of moms feel guilt for being depressed when they are "supposed" to be happier than ever. But honestly it's something you can't help. Hormones go all over the place and the stress of a newborn ... I can't imagine even though I'll be right there with you soon. It's a huge life change and from what I have heard, these weeks can be some of the hardest.

Do you have any other family who can help you out? Parents or friends who can come over, watch baby for a bit while you rest or shower?

KatiePink
20-02-18, 17:23
I have family locally but they all work full time. Plus I would feel awful asking someone to watch her, i don't know why.

My partner is great but there is only so much he can do as he has to work and leaves at 6.30am. I think I'll feel a bit better once I've seen the GP and had my worries addressed. But that's only one part of it. The thought of going out terrifies me, I hate the way I look now and I've never had low self esteem before, I don't want anyone coming round to see baby and i would only go out if I don't have to see anyone.

Don't get me wrong there are moments of happiness, she's so bloody cute when she's settled(not often) I love holding her and just looking into her eyes and laughing at her daft facial expressions. But mostly I'm down, crying or angry inside. I go to bed for an hour when my partner gets home, but when I have to wake up I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of being responsible for her again. I know that i need to speak to someone because I'm afraid of my own thoughts lately, I feel so badly about myself it's as if I hate myself and i don't know how this has started.

venusbluejeans
20-02-18, 18:05
is there any way your partner can take paternity leave? he should be able to if he hasn't already .

KatiePink
20-02-18, 18:09
.

Sorry yes he's already had it, I mean he could book in annual leave if needs be to help me out, but I just feel awful for it.

venusbluejeans
20-02-18, 18:21
ahhh ok.... don't feel bad about needing him to take time off.... even if it is just a day so you can spend the day in bed catching up on sleep

swgrl09
20-02-18, 18:28
ahhh ok.... don't feel bad about needing him to take time off.... even if it is just a day so you can spend the day in bed catching up on sleep

I agree ... you have been through a mental and physical rollercoaster for the past 9+ months. It's okay to ask for help to recover. You have to recover on TOP of taking care of a new baby. And that baby is just as much your partner's responsibility too. I encourage you to reach out to somebody for some support :hugs::hugs:

pulisa
20-02-18, 21:00
Me too. Do you have a health visitor you could talk to, Katie? If you are developing post natal depression it's vital that you get help now. It's nothing to be ashamed of-far from it. Don't suffer in silence:hugs:

MyNameIsTerry
21-02-18, 03:00
Question for the mums on here. Could this be a phase due to all the hormonal changes on top of someone with existing mental health issues and the overwhelming of sudden responsibility?

I realise PPD is a real possibility but just wondering if this may pass as this is all very new right now?

Katie, this is about what you are both going through and I'm sure your bloke has plenty of worries & concerns too about himself which is only natural. So, talking to each other is vital as you need support. You've got many years to be everything to everyone all the time, it's not a failure to need some support right now and you've just had a major op that can surely mess your body about for months? (one for the mums again).

As far as the thoughts go, if you find yourself having intrusive thoughts that involve harm then please don't suffer in silence because these are also commonly known of in OCD sufferers as well as depression sufferers as well as PPD. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to on here but there are professional resources that explain all about this and how they know all about it so can help you with them. I may be way off with this but just want to reassure you, we see it on the OCD board at times and you won't be judged.

Please get some support. I bet the first thing any doctor is going to say is "this is quite common..." as we've moved on from the old days when it was disputed as real.

swgrl09
21-02-18, 03:19
This is an international resource that I think is really informative:

http://www.postpartum.net/

Katie, hang in there. You are a great mother and are doing a wonderful job. :hugs:

pulisa
21-02-18, 09:24
Recovering from a major op at the same time as caring for a newborn with the resulting sleep deprivation makes you very vulnerable, Katie. It makes any new mum very vulnerable regardless of mental health "history".. These feelings could well pass but I do think you should talk about how low you are to your GP or health visitor and get as much support as you can from family and friends?

KatiePink
21-02-18, 18:36
Thankyou guys for the responses really appreciate it. I know some of my feelings are probably quite common, some of them not so much and I know I shouldn't be ashamed but I am, I always thought I would take to bring a mum so easily, I think the pregnancy really took its toll on my body(I was huge) and was living of 1 to 2 hours sleep per night and in a lot of pain. Then the labour was 4 days of hell and looking back now I can see that I needed to recover mentally and physically from what happened.

I'm not sure what qualifies as intrusive thoughts but I am constantly worrying about her(no surprise with my history of health anxiety). I never have thoughts of harming her, all my thoughts are about running away, or sometimes regretting I even had her. I feel so awful admitting that. And when I'm calm like now I know that's completely untrue, but it doesn't take much for me to get down or in a state again. I don't think this is self harm, but the other night I scratched my arm so badly that it bled and left marks, I sort of new I was doing it as I felt the pain but just had so much built up emotions I had to get it out, and i guess that's how.

My health visitor isn't due out for another two weeks but my partner said to give her a call tomorrow and explain how I'm feeling. He keeps telling me what a good job I'm doing but it's so hard to believe that. She seems to settle with him so much more, she cries all day for me no matter how I comfort her. I'm hoping when I address her sickness at the doctor's they can give me some advice and that will help.

---------- Post added at 17:33 ---------- Previous post was at 17:33 ----------


This is an international resource that I think is really informative:

http://www.postpartum.net/

Katie, hang in there. You are a great mother and are doing a wonderful job. :hugs:

Thankyou X

---------- Post added at 17:36 ---------- Previous post was at 17:33 ----------

Re the self harm part, I mean I didn't intend to harm myself but i guess it could be the start of something I won't take any chances and will definitely tell my GP everything.

pulisa
21-02-18, 19:11
I'm sure your Health Visitor will tell your GP about how you are feeling. It's much better to address this now rather than wait and talking about it to people who are trained to pick up on PND may be a relief?

You are doing the right thing, Katie. Don't leave this xx

swgrl09
21-02-18, 20:38
I agree, you definitely are doing the right thing and I'm so glad you feel comfortable talking about it here. It's hard to not feel guilty about it, but truly this is not something you are doing on purpose or feeling on purpose. It can and will get better ... you just might need a little help. :hugs::hugs:

Scass
21-02-18, 21:12
You are going through such a huge thing and on top of it all youíre exhausted. I understand your feelings, they are more common than you may think.

The good thing is that there is so much help for PND. I would ring your health visitor tomorrow, or even your GP.
I would also reach out to your family, Iím sure they would be so happy to help you. Even if itís just to come & cuddle the baby while you have a shower.

Do you belong to any parenting forums? Or even Mum & baby groups?

Itís a long recovery process & also a lonely time to be feeling so overwhelmed. You are doing the right thing by talking to us and asking for help. You are already a brilliant Mum, and Iím sure with the right help youíll feel better soon. Xx


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pulisa
21-02-18, 21:41
It can be a lonely business having a new baby even if you have plenty of support. You have to adjust overnight to being responsible for a tiny vulnerable human being and you are very much out of your comfort zone. It's very early days for you as a new Mum, Katie-so much to get used to, new routines, you're meant to be over the moon but you're just knackered and want some time to yourself just to feel normal etc etc. And sometimes things can seem a lot darker-that's why it's so important to speak out about this. No one is going to judge you- they will want to help you enjoy being a new Mum xx

KatiePink
23-02-18, 15:35
I spoke with my HV and she was glad I called, she addressed some my concerns about baby and is going to do weekly visits, she also had me fill out a form re how I'm feeling. I don't belong to any groups but she recommended some local ones for me.

I've had a really bad couple of days with baby, she just is not settling at all and awake all day either screaming or very restless kicking her legs frantically and writhing around. I've tried everything, she seems to settle better for her dad and thats hard for me to handle, I'm thinking because of my section he did most of her feeds/changes at first that she has 'taken' to him more than me, I don't feel like her mum as she should be comforted by me. I really do try everything with her and it's making me so sad.

Today I have had to again walk away from her and leave her to cry for a good 20 minutes before returning as I can't handle it. On top of this I've just lost a family member and am trying to process this.

I know i sound so pessimistic but it's how I feel right now, I'm counting down the minutes until my partner is home so i can completely escape from her :weep:

Scass
28-02-18, 21:41
How are you feeling? Any feedback from the HV?


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Halle0587
01-03-18, 03:01
Oh Katie! I was there. Maybe ask about colic? It’s dreadful, but it’ll give you some piece of mind knowing what is wrong. I actually had a form of gripe water shipped to me from England to the states. It’s called Woodward’s Gripe water. It worked well, but he did still cry. I also swaddled him. He fussed for the first five minutes or so but then calmed and was actually quite comforted by being swaddled. I also wore him, in a baby carrier on my chest. I made sure his face was close enough to mine to kiss (for safety) and then bounced him to sleep by moving up and down. Then I ate something quietly and made sure I was hydrated-both key to helping PPA/PPD, because you can’t do much about the sleep part. He just needed that time close to me and being upright helped the colic. Try that, I promise it’s amazing how well it works. Anything for some relief. I have a Boba wrap if you can’t get one. I’d be happy to ship it to you, no charge! Just watch YouTube videos for how to wrap it correctly.
I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel Katie and it’s not a train-it’s incredibly hard to see right now, but around the 4-5 month mark, you world will shift!
Don’t be ashamed-I was too so it’s common to be ashamed. Heck, I even thought I was hiding it well, I wasnt. I’m crying now just thinking about it. It’s dreadful and you feel so alone. I want to hop on a plane and come help you right now that’s how bad I know you feel. Talk to your GP and they will guide you, if not anyone else-talk to your doctors. You’re a great mom for seeking help and giving that little girl the best version of you.
Hugs my friend!