View Full Version : Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.
Hi, this is long, but could be helpful? :)
I joined this Forum 4 years ago and during that time, have suffered two major relapses. I am not talking about the general anxiety that we live from day-to-day, but the type that crashes down on you and leaves you with wanting to stay in bed for the rest of your life and experiencing major fears that result in many, many physical and mental symptoms.
I wanted to share some of my experiences, coping methods and progression to wellbeing to those of you that are interested.
A little background on me first...
I had a full blown breakdown 4 years ago and was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and PTSD, which then led to bouts of OCD, phobias and Health Anxiety.
At that time I functioned around about 20% and in time improved to 80%.
So, I do not want you to think this is all about failure and no recovery.
There were valid reasons for my initial breakdown and both of my relapses.
I was under a horrendouse amount of stress, both physically and mentally.
My father had Parkinson's Disease and died 4 years and my mother had multiple strokes that eventually led to her being totally handicapped and in a home. I cared for both of my parents until it was no longer possilbe.
I was also the unfortunate victim of a car crash, part caring for my partner's mum who was disabled, lost my home as I lived with my mum. a My partner had two cancer operations following an illness during a time when we lost our business, home and all our money, which I dealt with at that time, putting me under a great deal of stress and exhaustion.
If you are still reading, I am not typing this for the 'Poor Me' sympathy vote, I wanted to elaborate the mess in my life that would be evidence for a breakdown/relapse. :ohmy: There's a lot more, but you get my drift.
I had two other Posts that ran over a few years.
1. 'Panic Mode All Day'
2. 'Scared of Losing My Mum'.
Well, 3 months ago, I suffered a relapse after a healthscare.
Relapses are not breakdowns, they are different and relapses can even differ. New symptoms may appear that you do not recognise, but to cut to the chase, they have the same effect. They can be frightening, debilitating and in some cases, you may feel inprisoned.
I started off with the intial period in bed, frightened to do almost anything!
Then gradually, I pushed myself to do more and more each day.
The most important issue here, is I am still alive!!!:yesyes:
As a 'Health Anxiety' sufferer, as you know, we think we are going to die all the time. :yesyes: Our brains tell us that we have everything under the sun and we are sure to collapse any minute or we have something wrong with us that hasn't been discovered yet.
We check our bodies constantly, stare in the mirror to see if we look ok.
Too pale, too flushed, is my face lop-sided, I don't look the same as I did before, I look ill. You name it, I've thought it.
Then the stomach comes in to play. Bloated, gurgling, gas, belching, pains.
And if that's not enough. Blurry vision, sensitive to light, floating when walking, floor or ground not solid when walking, not focussing properly, head feels heavy, legs feel heavy or like jelly. The list is endless......
So, some of us get checked out by professionals. Once we have mastered up the courage to go, which is the right thign to do, even if we have tosuffer more anxiety with waiting for the appointment and more importantly waiting for the results.
We then get the OK, might even be told that they are anxiety symptoms, feel a huge relief, even feel like our normal self, then what happens?
Days/weeks/months later, we start worrying again.
Oh, time has passed, that check was only days/weeks/months ago.
I don't feel right again. Worry, worry and more worry.
Worry is the culprit. You may not have even noticed that you felt better for a while.
The symptoms are still there, but maybe some new ones.
So, what do we do next? Mindfulness/CBT/Meditation/Yoga/Therapy.
I've done all of these. Admittedly, not on a regular basis, but they do help, but human nature is; oh I feel better now, I can stop or I don't have time today. I'm guilty of that myself.
Now 3 months on from my relapse. Yes, there have been improvements, yes, I have been out; even sociallised, walked a couple of miles, done some seriously heavy work in the garden, cleaned the house from top to bottom. Compared with the first of week of lying in bed thinking I was about to die. None of those things killed me, I'm still here. Yes, they took braving through the fear and worry, but I felt ten times better and proud of myself after I had achieved these things.
Yes, I still have the anxiety symptoms, but I am now having good days as well as bad days. The bad days, I am kinder to myself.
What I also found that no matter how bad you are feeling, you can always write. That's why we come on here. :)
We are also not alone. Remember you are not the only one on here that feels this way, so to the people that ask, 'Is this Anxiety, can Anxiety do this'? Yes, it can!!! If all your symptoms match up to another member who may even have been suffering for years, it must be Anxiety.
So here, I am using my coping skills to get me around, Crying alot. (It's good for you, apparently, it calms you down).
Gradually facing my fears, trying to be kind to myself and letting my body repair itself in it's own time, because it will. :) Staying positive and really enjoying the good days and acheivements.
Most importantly, do NOT be scared. Time heals.
I will never forget someone telling me once;
"This is a way of your body and mind protecting you"
Although it does not seem like it, I can understand what it means. :hugs:
To be continued..........
MyNameIsTerry
21-02-18, 07:29
It's really good to hear you are pushing back through again, Carnation. Not seen you on here hardly at all recently so I have confess to assuming things were going ok.
I agree with you and I've found the same. No springing back stuff, it's about working your way up in steps and seeing the changes. We all want to be better as quickly as possible but I've just not found that to be the case and if it takes years, then that's just how it has to be. Like you say, time heals. The body is gradually calming down from a really horribly heightened state or from the pits.
It's all stages. Some better, some not so good. You learn to adapt to them, learn when to take it easy and when you have the energy to do more. I will never forget reading a fair bit of a book on bipolar disorders by a doctor who was bipolar and how she talked about 4 squares within a larger one where each denoted a mood period. One may be a state of depression where you do different things to a state of anxiety and another square might be a higher energy period where it's advised not to push it too far otherwise you bring on the down periods more quickly through burning out.
A lot of that felt very relevant to me. Sometimes you have periods where you just want to sleep, sometimes you have almost manic periods where you find yourself cleaning the house top to bottom.
You know you have support here whenever you need it. The fact you haven't felt the need for that and have pushed through on your own makes me wonder whether this has been part of your push forward into coping even with the worst without reassurance?
I can't say I had a good January myself and struggled more with things but that's starting to change now. I find all this email, letters, phone calls stuff overwhelming at times and can't seem to balance things. The modern age is all rush and comms all the time and after many years of all the daily stress (and thriving off it) it's just not me anymore. Then after a period of being involved in stuff comes the washout fatigue. So, it's hard to balance and I've always found that the worse the anxiety stage, the worse this all hits you too and the simplest of tasks just drains you.
Keep fighting!!! You've fought through so much over those 4 years and many a time it must have seemed like you couldn't take anymore and then you ended up having too! But you are still here and you've got your garden to spend time in as the spring comes which I reckon will be a great help to you.
This time you have more say in how you do this. :hugs::hugs::hugs::flowers:
P.S. As of last week we now have two Robins in our garden. One sat having a bath about an arms length from me not long ago. This mild winter has confused our wildlife and they are nesting already. Even the squirrels are around.
Good to hear that things are looking up for you, Carnation. You have more time to concentrate on yourself now although I know how much you must miss your parents but caring certainly takes it toll and you do lose your perspective on life.
Spring should be coming soon so your garden awaits! It must be coming up to the first anniversary since you lost your Mum so a difficult time but you can mark it in your own special way :hugs:
Wishing you plenty of those better days ahead!
Two members that have followed my journey on here since when I first joined the Forum; Terry and Pulisa. :hugs:
What a memory you have Pulisa. Yes, you are quite right, nearly a year since my mum passed and raw it still is too. :( But, it is getting easier. That old time thing again, about healing. We never forget and I still carry the normal emotions of guilt, regrets and sadness. But I try to remember some of the good things too.
We both had harrowing times with our dads and I try to reassure myself that I did all that I could and made the right decisions, whatever the final outcome.
I don't think we can save the world, but we can do our best at the time under what ever circumstances.
Caring for others; as I know you do, sort of takes away a lot of thinking about other stuff; normally about ourselves. Although either options are hard, it's the lesser of two evils. You'd think as you get older, it would get easier, but I think you carry more baggage, more memories and definitely more responsibilities.
Oh, how carefree I was when I was a teenager. My stress then was what I was going to wear and what disco I was going to at the weekend. :)
Terry, you know more than anyone my woes and worries.
Isn't it amazing how you can know so much about someone and not even meet!
Some of my longstanding friends and family know less about me than members on here?
I sort of heard bout your struggles and seen that you were not as active as normal on here. I hope you feeling much better now. :hugs:
The Spring can not come quick enough for me. You know how much I like to be in the garden. Great for smashing the ol' Anxiety. Can't recommend it enough.
You don't even have to do anything. The fresh air, smells of nature, seeing things grow and if you are lucky; spotting some wildlife.
Talking of Anxiety......:mad: So bloody unpredictable.
Was in a really stressful morning and coped pretty well. Anxiety was probably too scared to show it's face.
No, what it likes to do is attack you when you are resting. Like last night in bed.
Think my muscles were playing leap frog with each other. :ohmy:
I have this attitude now that they can just 'P.ss Off'. I'm not playing that game anymore.
Stress builds up. It infests inside you. So now when I have a stressful period, I warrant it with a relaxing period. My brain tells me that counteracts and that's good enough for me.
When you go down with thump with a relapse, you can't rush back in to 'Wonder Woman' mode immediately. It's like a seed that has to be nurtured with care or like baby steps.
But, I have to say, never underestimate how strong you are in body and mind.
When needed, it's there. Never doubt your courage and strength.
To be continued..........
So, we are in for yet another cold snap. :lac:
Not, what our Anxiety sufferers want to hear.
No, we like the temperature just right; not too cold and not too hot.
Even on a very cold day, I can be standing outside with what I call a hot flush.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not about the temperature in the atmosphere, it is me! Normally if I am rushing around or thinking about something that is worrying me and of course; stress!
I'm trying to let it pass and not run outside all the time, which is difficult because it goes against our brain's wishes, but I find a definite improvement, if I just let it pass over me without panicking. It's only seconds, but feels a lot longer.
I managed a full day of activities yesterday. :yesyes:
With only moments of shaky legs as opposed to my normal; "I can't see properly and my legs don't feel like they belong to me and what's wrong with this pavement, it feels spongy!?" :unsure:
Could it be that I started a Mindfulness course last week? If it is, why didn't I do this weeks ago?
I'm not a defeatist and like to think I am of strong character. So why am I not stronger in times like this? Who knows. Maybe someone can tell me that.
I admire strong people. I was recently told about a woman that got kicked in the face and knocked most of her teeth out and had 40 stitches!!! :scared15: She then carried on to tell me she went to a party 3 days later.
Maybe that's the answer.
Carry on with the living, no matter how you feel or what has happened to you.
And that is exactly want I intend to do. :yesyes:
To be continued..........
Hi carnation, you sound a lot more positive hopefully a sign of being on the mend , all those things you feared happened and you got through I guess you are a lot stronger than you thought you were .
Soon be spring my favourite time , I keep seeing the daffodils and snowdrops coming up so it's time for fresh start again .
I had that feeling of the floor moving under me the other day while sitting on the edge of the sofa I went into total panic , it eased off when I realised the rug was slowly slipping away from me on the wooden floor , it's not always somthing serious .:roflmao:
Wrap up and take care .:hugs:
Thanks, Buster. :hugs:
That's happened to me too. It's like the body/mind is on high alert!!!
I once thought I had blood coming from my hands and it turned out to be beetroot.
Even I had to laugh at that.
IMO, relapses come because of a trigger or triggers.
The only good thing about them, is they are not permanent. :)
I had not too bad a day today. :)
Walking and sight was definitely better, but the face flushing was getting to me yesterday. Happened only once today and because my brain wants to know what is causing it, I am trying to ignore it and let it pass. Easier said than done. :scared15:
I wanted to tell you that the walking/floating, which seems to be affecting quite a few members on here does disappear in time. I adapted a walk where I had my hands linked behind my back. I thought I would gain confidence; "look no hands, if I fall", and it would keep my back straight so I would breath better. Well, it works for the Royal Family. :D Actually the thing that helped me the most was literally concentrating on the surroundings and not looking down at the floor all the time.
If it works even for a little time, then it's worth a try.
Well the cold weather is feeding the anxiety and I am one of these people that has to be prepared!!! As long as I have everything I need in a 'just in case' thought, then I am happier. Last week I thought I was seeing the first signs of Spring, but no. :(
Anyway, what's that saying; 'In like a Lion and out like a Lamb'. :)
To be continued.........
:D today I was having a lie down when I took it .
That's what I need to see Buster; more signs of Spring. :)
No hot flushes to day. No, today is adrenaline and palpation day. :lac:
I'll say one thing for Anxiety. If you win over one symptom, it tries another and another and another. It's soooo exhausting.
Walking and eyes have improved massively. :yesyes:
But, I find I have these waves of tiredness.
Well adrenaline is the equivalent of a long run, so I suppose that is normal.
Since Anxiety, I have unfortunately gained many phobias.
I am sort of a 'phobia' sort of person any way.
I had a thread going on 'Thunder and Lighting' and there's lifts, large open spaces, small spaces and crowded places. Not forgetting a bit of arachnophobia. :scared15:
Now I find that if I have a panic attack or bad symptom, my brain relates to where I was, what I was doing and at times what I was eating or drinking.
I am fast running out of places to go, things to do and stuff to eat.
So, then I though, this is stupid. I can't be frightened of everything!!!!
And, if you avoid these things, it is only going to fuel the anxiety.
So, I do my best not to avoid any of these so called phobia situations, which is not easy and very exhausting, but on the plus side; it works! :yesyes:
Gradual exposure mind you, otherwise you take on too much too soon.
I also find thatplenty of relaxation and sleep.
Gone are the days when I would be multi-tasking. I do one thing at a time now.
The brain just can't cope with it. I needed to slow down.
What's that saying? 'less haste, more speed'.
We must be more kind to ourselves. We work hard, take on responsibilities, over stretch our capabilities and rush around like crazy. (No pun intended).
So, I am one week in to my Mindfulness Course; only 5 weeks to go..
Now off for a ten minute meditation, so until next time.....
To be continued........
I decided to treat myself to lie-in this morning. :)
I used to have duvet days; too many!
Although I might have felt safe, they are not good for you mentally.
My therapist's words were that, 'if you want have a lie-in, go to bed early or have an afternoon snooze, that is ok and is on your terms, but if anxiety keeps in you bed for days on end, then it is not good for overcoming anxiety'.
So I only do this now when it is my choice and a treat.
Cold today, but it didn't stop from doing a bit of gardening. Yes, you heard right.
I was taking down a shrub that got smashed by a tree that had fallen in the last storm.
I always find it strange how I can be outside in 3c temperature, working hard, bending, tugging, lifting, sawing and feel absolutely fine, but I have trouble walking in to the kitchen and bathroom thinking I am going to collapse! :scared15:
I'll tell you I was so bad only two months ago, I was sitting on the edge of the bath to brush my teeth, because I was frightened I was going to fall.
And grabbing hold of every worktop in the kitchen with my legs shaking.
Peeling potatoes was a nightmare and thought I may have to live on jacket potatoes for the rest of life!
I'm pleased to say that I have improved since then and I want to keep it that way.
Could it be that I am focussed and living in the present?
Yes, I do.
I think that is why the Mindfulness Course is helping.
I'm in the meditation stage now, which I already do, but this is a bit different.
It is all about grounding and keeping focussed.
Time passing also helps. A great healer and as time goes on, the incident that may have brought you in to this relapse, gets more distant as the days pass.
You do what you have to do to get through the day when like this and if it means sitting on the edge of the bath until you gain confidence and peeling your veggies in another room, prepping tomorrow's dinner while you feel more grounded, then that's what you have to do.
But....
You obviously don't want to be like this for the rest of your life, or even for long periods of time, so we look for cures, therapy, tips to help us.
Therapists are supportive, but they won't live with you in your home and only give you limited time on a weekly basis.
That's where this Forum come in to play.
We google to find help, stumble across NMP and there you find it. Others just like me!
Hooray, I am not going mad and all of this I am feeling IS Anxiety.
I have to admit that even with the knowledge I gathered, I found my self doubting what was wrong with me.
I took the bull by the horns and went to see a neurologist.
My dad had Parkinsons and I was sure I was going the same way.
My legs were heavy, shaky, and I seem to resemble my dad's stature in his walking.
So there I was being put through the mill with standing on one leg, walking with my eyes closed and even backwards, standing on a wobbly mat against a wall with my arms folded. What have I let myself in for. 45 minutes of this and then came the verdict.
Perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me, just confidence and that it was all Anxiety related. I highly recommend you do this if you are really struggling.
I almost skipped down the steps of the practice room. :)
Then what happens? I start thinking again. What if? And why do I not feel right?
No, that wasn't enough for me. 3 days after I am struggling again. Not so bad, but my brain keeps confusing me.
That's why I started the Mindfulness Course.
I have to admit also, that I need constant reassurance.
I was never like this years ago.
I suffered a mini stroke 13 years ago and just got on with my life.
I lost my baby 15 years ago and was in work the next day.
So, I am fathomed why I lack confidence now and feel the need to cocoon and protect myself from any danger now.
My life has certainly taking on a new direction and if I have to adapt to it, then that's what I will have to do.
Anxiety will NOT win!!!!
To be continued..........
This morning started off bad for me. :(
I know, it's not what you want to hear.
The reason I am telling you this, shows exactly how anxiety can affect and react so quickly.
I woke up with a taste of blood in my mouth.
So, obviously I panicked, worry set in and I was extremely anxious.
I go to the bathroom, think I am going to faint and then steady myself, look in the mirror and realise that the blood had come from a tooth that is loose.
(Which has actually happened before.)
But, in that time, my body and brain had worked itself in to a frenzy and as a result, Anxiety took over. :mad:
That's how quick it can kick in and I am still calming down and grounding myself.
If it was not from knowledge of understanding this, well, I would still be in bed now.
Health Anxiety is just the worst!!!!
Every little pain, mark, scratch and feeling is over analysed and our poor brain has to digest all this info, clogging it beyond belief and we wonder why we are tired? :lac:
---------- Post added at 12:54 ---------- Previous post was at 12:45 ----------
Just cut myself off there before finishing my post.......
Anyway, as I was saying.
'Health Anxiety'.
It's our way of protecting ourselves from harm, but actually we are so over obsessive that we cause Health Anxiety which in turn gives us more symptoms to worry about.
If you can get this under control, then you are well on your way to recovery.
How?
Get checked out for anything you are worried about and believe the answer.
Stop freaking out about every rash, mark, cut and pimple. They are part of everyday life.
And stay rational and calm and not freak out about how you are going to die any minute.
Yes, I know, I had my moment this morning, but as I type I feel more composed. :)
As long as you can bring yourself back in to a calm and more rational state, then the anxiety will fade, as will the rash, pimple and mark that you were freaking out about.
To be continued........
Good Morning to Snow!!!
After hours of the 'media' feeding the fear of the 'Beast from the East', I wake up to find a very pretty scene in my garden.
Ok, it is an inconvenience with getting from A-B, but we knew it was coming and we have stocked up on bread, milk and potatoes; haven't we?
It's part of nature and we might as well make the most of it and at least it has giving us some brilliant light which we have been missing in our lives for some time.
I may even attempt to make a snowman.
Which brings me to a topic that I felt helped me and also both of my therapists recommended to me to help in my recovery.
Going back to childhood days and having fun!
Fun and happiness is good for our brains, which in turn helps massively with anxiety. That's why therapists tell you to go home and draw in a colouring book. :)
As we get older we have more and more responsibilities and trauma in our lives and we forget having a fun time.
Yes, colouring books are fine, but they didn't hold my full attention.
No, I am talking about doing those things that whole heartedly throws you in to fun and concentration on a massive scale. Like, building a Snowman. :)
I don't care how old you are, you need to do stuff like this.
I am not afraid to say I hug trees and talk to the plants. (Again, its' good enough for The Royals).
The garden is abundant with so much through the year and at the same time, you are getting exercise and fresh air!
Build a rockery, do some topiary, grow some veggies, make something out of junk you find in the garden, build a treehouse, ride a bike, turn your shed in to a den, have a picnic lunch; obviously when warmer. :)
You can extend this 'play' indoors.
The first month I was in relapse, I started a 1000 piece jigsaw; never done one before in my life. Why not make a collage out of all you favourite things, write a story, keep a diary, learn an instrument, learn a language, take up juggling. :)
All these things will help the brain in more ways than one.
Our brains get lazy and we end up working on auto pilot and most of everything we do is done from memory. We need to live in the present and feed our brains so we stay living in the present.
That brings me to another subject...
Because we are basically living on auto pilot, we need to change our routine slightly.
Not too much, just little things.
Maybe sit on a different chair occasionally, have your lunch in a different place, change the time of something we do, change things around in your room, watch something completely different in the TV, wear something we have not worn for ages, eat something we have not had for ages; you get my drift..
Now, I know this is a problem for people with OCD and it would be like asking them to like climb The Mount Everest, but I am slightly OCD myself. So, for those of you that would struggle with this, you could maybe try things like listening to different music and reading something you wouldn't normally read.
All of these are just suggestions.
I am not a Doctor and I am just sharing some of things that have helped me.
Right, I'm off to make a Snowman! :D
To be continued...........
Carnation, your posts are amazing! You sound like a different person to the one I remember a year or so ago and it's great to see. You sound so positive, even when you are talking about relapses.
You have a lot of good advice to offer - I agree especially with trying to get on with your life and taking your anxiety with you. At the beginning it's hard to imagine ever being able to forget it, but every so often there's a moment when you realise you haven't thought about it.
I, too, still have setbacks but I'm not as scared of them as I used to be, and they do pass. I hold on to that.
It's also vital to do something for yourself. I go swimming and have taken up some patchwork that I started about 40 years ago (really!). I am determined to finish it and I feel better when I have to concentrate on something enjoyable. The one thing I need to work on now is sleep - menopause has caused havoc with mine and I'm not very good at going to bed early.
I look forward to your future posts - keep them coming.
Take care xx
By the way, have you ever thought of writing a book?
Good you hear you are finding your inner child , I'll be honest I never really grew up I still can't help winding my daughters up at every opportunity, couple of weeks ago I couldn't sleep one night ( well pretty much every night ) so I'm stood making a drink at 3 am and I see my daughters packed lunch for work , while I'm waiting for the kettle I pop a note in her bag , it read and please don't judge me on this I have issues " There is no easy way to tell you this you are adopted have a nice day " she got it out in front of her manager who read it and nearly burst into tears and said do you want to take the rest of the day off , she had to explain her mental dad was joking , she had hidden the tea bags from me , my hobbies are probably not for everyone :D
No stopping you now your creative juices are flowing even the beast from the east can't dampen your spirits , this time next year who knows ?
Take care :D
23fish :) Great to hear from you.
What kind words and how I remember how supportive you were with my mum. :hugs: So pleased you are still around.
I've had my struggles, stresses and setbacks since then.
On a personal note, I had my menopause early. At the age of 40!!!! :scared15:
I will talk about tips for sleeping a little later.
By the way, have you ever thought of writing a book?
Ha ha, with my spelling errors.
However, I am working on a children's picture book for fun.
Buster :)
You always have a great story to tell. How come so much happens to you?
'Beast from the East?'
My partner is waiting for the 'Breast from the West!'. :D
Maybe he is referring to 'Storm Emma' on Friday.
No snowman for me yesterday. Not enough snow.
That all changed today. After snowing all through the night, we have a thick blanket of fluffy white snow. I will have to hurry, otherwise 'Bill'; that's the snowman I am about to make, will be blown from the East to somewhere in Canada. :D
I had trouble with 'Grounding' myself yesterday and I know the reason why.
I was wearing wedged boots with the snow and when I eventually took them off, I had trouble feeling the ground with my feet. It was panicking me, because the boots were heavy, I felt like I was floating when I took them off.
So, sometimes 'Grounding' can be affected by your footwear or walking surface.
My brain could not compute the change of feeling. So, after some meditation, I felt more normal.
I am also bothered about a paunch that sits between my chest and legs. :scared15:
I've gained a little weight and not had the exercise I would normally have due to the bad weather. (Walking)
The other reason being either excessive gas or too much mash potato.
For weeks now I have wind coming out of both ends with a bloated tummy, which is very embarrassing at times. My partner is the same, so I will put it down to many spuds and cake and hope I get walked sooner rather than later. :scared15:
Sleep.........
I was probably one of the World's worst sleepers.
I would stay up late, then lie awake in bed for ages worrying about everything from work, my pounding heart and whether I was going to die in the night. To finish off the ordeal, I would wake up in a hot sweat and persistently go to the loo several times in the night as well. On average, I would get about 4 hours sleep during the night.
This got even worse when I had my breakdown.
I'm now averaging 6-8 hours, fall asleep straight away and with only one trip to the bathroom. :)
Firstly I stopped staying up so late and go to bed when I am not at the point of squinty eyed and zombiefied. (Don't think that is a real word, but I like it).
I have a drink of water and read something very light, like a glossy magazine.
Then most importantly. Don't try to go to sleep. The more you worry about getting to sleep, the less likely you will be able to.
Don't watch the News or a thriller before going to bed. Make the last thing you watch be something light or amusing. Whatever you last see will stick with and go to bed with you.
As for the hot sweats. Well, my bedding wasn't helping me.
Ditch the poly cotton. Go for 100% cotton.
Did you know that cotton flannelette is more cooling to the body?
This includes your nightwear.
Turn off your heating in your bedroom at night. Set it on a timer or do it manually.
Obviously not now with minus temperatures, but with more normal temperatures.
To stop yourself from worrying, keep everything you might need in or on your bedside cabinet.
Drink, tissues, phone, torch and maybe a sachet of lavender to calm you.
When in bed and you feel your heart pounding. Place a hand over your heart. This is calming for the heart.
Give yourself a hand or foot massage before you to bed, which you can find by googling. It totally calms you.
And don't fret it you feel nothing is working, it will in time. :)
to be continued...........
Senior Moment
28-02-18, 14:38
Hello Carnation. I am enjoying your posts, they are very amusing and helpful at the same time. Hopefully when this Arctic blast is over, we will see signs of spring and are able to spend more time outdoors. Lets hope it doesn't last long. Take care, and keep up the posts please !!! x
Senior Moment, I am pleased you are finding my posts helpful. :)
The Spring is not far in sight and the garden will call.
Keep warm and in the moment. :hugs:
Very powerful posts, thanks for sharing. I read somewhere that our bodies are always trying to heal themselves so we should do the basics right to help that process.
That's absolutely right Hollow. Our bodies will heal. It just takes time and nurturing. :)
To read these posts it seems like carnation of old has been abducted by aliens and a new improved version has landed on us ( in a very good way ) :D
I always thought when I posted stories on here other people would follow with bizarre happenings from their lives to amuse me but maybe I'm just one of those people who can't leave the house without somthing going on , you really couldn't make it up .
Take care soon be spring the sweet spot then we can moan about summer :D
I'm sure you feel better having more time to yourself now, Carnation? That's not to say you don't miss your Mum tremendously.
Buster, no-one could beat you with your stories. :D
I think you are a magnet for this sort of stuff.
I'll take any improvement in my life and this is the first time in 8 years that I have not had to care for somebody.:)
More time and 'Me' time.
Pulisa, You know of the long and painful road I took with my mum. It is not so easy to forget or put behind you. Not one day goes past when I don't think of my mum or look at her picture. But, I am now at the stage where I can start thinking about rebuilding my life. I know she would want me to be happy, so I am working on my Anxiety to let me do just that. x
My subject today is; 'Fear of the Weather!'
Now, I am trying to stay rational, but the media are putting the fear in to everyone.
For people with Anxiety, that mean a double helping. :scared15:
If the weather is not enough to make you panicky and frightened, they like to add things in to the mix with a shortage of gas and possible power cuts.
What has happened to this Country? Seriously. No transport, Schools closed, shops closed and this ongoing announcement of 'Threat to Life!'.
Yes, it's a bad storm and we've had snow that's lasted for more than one day.
Now, I am of an age where I walked to School everyday, walked or got a bus to work and had to shovel the pathway to our house for several weeks.
That's why the fashion market invented Moonboots. :D
Many a time I would be ankle deep in snow going to work.
This is bad for people like us causing us more worry when we think we are going to die all the time anyway, we now have the 'Media' telling us we actually could. :lac:
The sooner the better this is over for us.
As long as you are sensible and not go on a long journey or sit under a tree and wrap up warm, you will be fine.
So, keep yourself occupied, warm and safe and it will be over before you know it and we can get on with enjoying the Spring. :)
Apart from that, how have I been?
Well I am nearly 2 weeks in to my Mindfulness Course. I presume it is helping, because I am coping much better than even a month ago.
If I have anxiety moments, I could even put it down to the weather, being trapped indoors for hours on end or slowly running out of food!
I'm trusting my instincts that it will be over soon and I am keeping busy with spring cleaning the house. (Well, I don't want to do it when the weather is nice). :D
It's also a good way to keep warm and more importantly; focussed!
De-cluttering as I go is giving me a sense of a new chapter in my life.
I want to feel fresh and cleansed come the Spring. It will be a year passed after losing my mum and I have given myself enough grief over that.
Who knows what the future holds. There I go again, I must stay in the present, I must stay in the present. Repeat after me, 'I must stay in the present'. :D
I am looking the most beautiful shrub adorned with pretty pink flowers; think it is a Camellia. Do you know it has been bashed by the strong winds and suffocated by the snow and it is still in full bloom. That's the determination I want. :)
to be continued.........
Late today checking in.....
This was due to unforeseen incident earlier on in the day.
As you know the weather has been bad and I haven't ventured in to Town for the last three days.
Today, we decided to have a pub lunch to cheer ourselves up.
This is a hurdle for me at the best times, but with heavy boots, wrapped up like an Alaskan and icy footpaths, let alone eating out, socialising and being stranded without a car. But I still forced myself to venture out.
Big Mistake!
After we had arrived and ordered our food, a funeral party arrived and that's when it went all wrong for me. :( Apart from the family and friends hugging and crying, all dressed in back, there was also a film on a large projection of the lady that had just passed away with an extra ambience of the most weepy music playing in the background.
Well that was it for me.
With being emotional anyway with my mum's anniversary coming up and if honest, not quite over my mum, I become a blob of jelly, hardly able to walk or see for tears in my eyes. And I had to finish my food and walk back home in this state!
Anxiety kicked in, but I had no choice but to do the walk. So I did and was proud that I managed it and not only that. After I composed myself, I went shopping for food.
I had a bad moment, it passed and I carried on.
Anxiety does not have to cripple you all day. I understood it, accepted it and continued with my life.
I also managed a 2 hour visit to my neighbour with great composure.
I am exhausted, but I coped. :)
to be continued............
You did brilliantly! It must have been incredibly difficult and your reaction was completely understandable. It's only been a short time since you lost your mum, so please don't think you should be over it. (I lost my mum 36 years ago and I'm not, although it's easier to think about her now).
Be proud of yourself today - your story will have helped a lot of people on here.
Take care xx
You did well under the circumstances and soldiered on , it comes out of the blue sometimes but like you said it's how you deal with it and carry on , had a panic in the chip shop last night went from freezing outside to roasting inside then a smoke alarm went off while I was queuing, by the time I got served I had forgotten how to talk and breathe , but got through and didn't give up and walk away , I was hungry mind you so that helped .��
23fish, you are always so supportive and understanding. :hugs: x
Buster, your stomach obviously won against Anxiety. :D :hugs:
I have actually found a transition in temperature form hot to cold and vice-versa sometimes an anxiety trigger. ?????
A better day today for me. :yesyes:
Two weeks in to my mindfulness course and four weeks to go.
The weather was much better today, almost a heat-wave at 3c.
Temperatures look like they are on the up for next week too. :)
I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning in the house, chucking things out and changing things around. I have found it good therapy. I also like my finished result.
The day goes quicker, I am focussed and in the present and I feel like I have achieved something. I am also finding things I have been looking for or lost for ages.
Now one of my anxiety symptoms is the feeling in my legs. This can be from feeling like jelly, feeling heavy, quivering, rushes of adrenalin or not being able to stand on the spot. (I think that has covered everything).
If you have ever listened to 'Claire Weekes', which you will easily get online, she will do her upmost to tell you that your 'legs' are quite capable of supporting you/carrying you to your destination. This is true. Have they ever let you down? They don't just collapse. Yes, they feel strange, but they are strong legs and no matter how you feel or the surface you are on, they will not let you down.
Always try to remember this when you are struggling.
A tip from my therapist. The moment is uncomfortable, but nothing bad will happen.
The feeling will subside. Remember this.
I remember telling my therapist that I was frightened of drinking tea.
"Why", she said.
"Because it will give me more adrenalin", feeling a bit stupid even saying this.
Her answer was, "How long have you been drinking tea?"
Now I did feel stupid, because my answer was, "Most of my life".
"Well then, nothing more said", she replied with a friendly smile.
See how we become obsessed with even the simplest of things in life.
It's something that needs working on when we become afraid of almost everything and we try to protect ourselves from anything that may harm us.
In a way, we need to go back to basics.
I'm now off to have a cup of tea! :)
to be continued........
Senior Moment
03-03-18, 21:38
Hi Carnation. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better today after your experience the day before. That was not a good day for you but you coped well and have bounced back. Was very interested to read your description of your "leg feelings" as I get identical feelings in my legs. Sometimes they feel as if they don't co-ordinate with the rest of my body ( if that makes sense ) What am I like ?? Like you, I am trying to keep busy around the house, hoping that this Arctic weather will be leaving us soon/ Take care xx
Senior Moment, I know exactly what you mean. :hugs:
Sometimes it feels as though my legs want to move and leave my body behind and sometimes I move and my legs don't seem to want to come with me! :ohmy:
I have to give them an order as my brain neglects to do this automatically.
Crazy, but that is how it seems.
I think it is all to do with, 'Fight or Flight'.
We can sometimes over think this and dread up all sorts of reasons that cause this, but it is a symptom of Anxiety that can be overcome by re-training our thoughts.
Keeping busy when the weather is bad is the best thing to do Senior Moment. x
Must be a woman thing as my partner has been moving things around today I thought we had a poltergeist ,settee and table have changed places ,rugs have changed , got a feeling I'll be going to the tip tomorrow, there are days I come home sit down and an hour later realise the settee is on the other side of the room .
I get the jelly legs at times but the only time they have giving way was pre anxiety after heavy night on the drink luckily my face hitting the toilet broke my fall , so there is a positive to this hell that I don't get fall down drunk anymore .:D
Buster, your partner is wise.
Do all the work in the bad weather and come the sunshine she can go out to play. :D
It's also a good sign of rejuvenating your life.
Snow has gone today and amazingly the spring plants that were completely invisible, are now perked up and in bloom. :) Its like they were frozen in time. (A bit like us with Anxiety). If they have hope, then so do we.
Which brings me to the subject of 'Legs' again.
I've been reading about the brain and how it is all connected to our body, sending signals to make our arms and legs move in the right order and at the right time.
Now if we send our brain negative thoughts, then why wouldn't it get confused?
If we think, "I can't walk today or get up from my chair and walk in to the kitchen?"
Then what's the poor brain going to think?
So, maybe we should be saying; even out loud, "I am now going to walk in to the kitchen and prepare a meal". I'll let you know how I get on.
I'm disappointed to say that I have a problem with my 3rd week of Mindfulness.
This is the 'Exercise' week. Only trouble is, the 'exercises' seems to be a cross between weight-lifting and gymnastics. :scared15:
I'm not saying that all Mindfulness Courses are like this, but the one I chose to do is.
If you suffer with a physical or health problem, you may be anxious about doing this, as I am.
So, not to be a defeatist, I have adapted my own exercises and incorporated the ones that the neurologist gave me to help with balance and confidence.
One of them is standing on one leg, similar to a stork, but with arms stretched out either side like a plane and holding that pose for the count of 30. It's ok if you wobble, just readjust yourself and carry on. This helps with balance, gives you strength in your arms and a confidence builder for when you are walking.
Mind you, with all the furniture moving and spring cleaning, my exercises have been pretty much covered.
However, Mindfulness is about stretching and repairing and being aware of your limbs and finding where you are holding any pain and discomfort and then thinking that pain away. Some would argue the complexity of this, but that's my basic take on it.
I have also decided to take some more therapy sessions.
I found someone private and want to build on my confidence and have been told that I will apparently have some exercises to do. "Oh No, not more exercises":ohmy:
I'll give it go and let you know when this happens.
Now I want to talk bout head jolts/jerks/rush; whatever you call them.
They are momentarily feelings; literally a second, but can frighten the life out of you.
I want to tell you that they are nothing to worry about.
It comes from the way we breathe when we are anxious and they are completely harmless. Even my neurologist said so.
From someone that used to have about 20-30 of these a day 4 years ago to about one a month now, I am living proof that these are not something deadly.
Not walking around with your shoulders hunched up to your ears will help this dramatically. You would be surprised to know that we do this without even realising it.
I also want to remind any readers that I am not a Doctor or professional in this field and everything I talk about is from my own personnel experience and knowledge.
Sometimes it is difficult to read a book, because of it's complexity or you can't get to therapist or you are imprisoned or frightened. If I can share my experience and help even a little, that makes me very happy. :)
to be continued...........
I had a fair day today.
A little Anxiety in different forms, but I have this thing where I remind myself to.....
!. Slow down
2. Do one thing at a time.
I've been feeling tired lately, but I am putting it down to the bad weather and time of year. Anxiety can be exhausting too. If my body and mind need to rest, then I will let it. I have learned from the past to not to push your body. There are different types of anxiety and one of those is from pure exhaustion.
The hot flushes were back today and I have been making a mental note of when this happens. Normally a stressful situation or in a place where I do not feel comfortable.
Instead of panicking over these, which is easy to do, because the flush is so intense and starts form the chest and up through the face and feels like an inferno of heat uprising, I let it happen and pass. It lasts no longer than a minute, but it is easy to panic as it feels so scary.
I am still clearing things in the house and it has been good as it feels like I am de-cluttering my mind as well as my cupboards. The garden will be my next project.
I found a tip in a magazine that helps you to relax and hopefully sleep better.
It's massaging the hands. You can get this from the internet and I have tried it and it seems to help. I know when I get nervous or feel uncomfortable, I fidget with my hands and I feel more at ease if I am carrying something when I go out rather than be free-handed. Maybe because I can then fidget with the things that I am carrying. :D
When I use to go to a Massage therapist she used to pinch the muscles on the tops of my eyebrows, which feels very weird, but she explained that she did this because it relieved tension. I do this sometimes, but only very gently. When I had my breakdown 4 years ago, my whole body seemed exhausted and I had pain all over my body, particularly in my lower back region. It would last sometimes for days and then my calves, not forgetting the shoulders and neck. My body was absolutely exhausted. This is why I rest up now when I feel tired. There's no use pushing something that is just too tired. I eagerly await the warm days and can do so much more. The sun is invigorating and much needed for our bodies.
Until next time.....
Good morning sunshine!!! :D
Much warmer today and the birds are out and singing their delight.
My 'Worry Head is haunting me today. Actually I woke up with it already fired that way. I know why. I took some worries to bed with me and this is what happens.
I don't know why, but I seem to think of all the problems I can, just before I go to bed. So I am going to have to think of something to deter this from happening. Maybe my meditation should be then or I need to do two laps round the garden. Failing that, I will have to result to one of those drinking chocolates topped with whipped cream with marshmallows floating on the top and not forgetting more chocolate sprinkles. :D That way I can worry about being sick instead of the other baggage I carry around with me.
Do you know that is a point. When I am ill with a cold or toothache or something else which is noted as a normal illness. My Anxiety seems to take a back seat. ?????
Well, I am almost half way through my Mindfulness course and I can clearly eat more easily, walk more easily and get through my daily tasks more easily.
My digestion seems to take a hit when Anxiety rears it's ugly head.
From swallowing, chewing, bloating and not forgetting the obsessive belching and dare I say it? Farting!! Honestly, you'd think there was a foghorn in the house. All ladyship goes out of the window and I've got to the point of not caring who hears as I just can't hold any of it in. I was told that we gulp in more air when anxious as I have a friend who is like this from time to time and he has been to the hospital for various checks and found nothing physically wrong, but was told it was blocked air.
I also heard that it does not matter what you eat it is down to the way your body digests your food. How can you be hungry and have a bloated stomach at the same time? Air!! This is easing a bit and walking definitely helps.
I'm a fully recovered Anorexic and I had seen food as fuel. (Now that I enjoy my food and now wearing a comfortable middle-aged spread, I find I can't eat the things I want to eat for the fear of bloating. I'm sure this will decrease once I start working in the garden and my anxiety settles down.
Do you know the worst thing about 'Anxiety Relapses', is that you rarely see them coming. You might have a few pains, palpations, a bit of twitching, a feeling of overwhelming tiredness and sleepless nights. But nothing prepares you for the thump of the downfall. If you have been there before, you know immediately; "OH know, I am having another relapse". Don't knock yourself over this. You didn't do anything wrong. It's a thing called, 'LIFE' and no-one can avoid the pitfalls of stress as we go about our day-to-day life. Again, if you have been here before, you know it is not forever and you may take extra care yourself for sometime until you forget and start rushing around like a crazy person. (No pun intended).
So, why can't we take care of our minds and bodies ALL the time. This has to be a priority, because what you gain, you lose and the loss out wins the gain.
So, repeat after me, I MUST look after myself, I MUST look after myself.
(That's for me to read, as well as you). :)
to be continued...........
Late checking in today.
I had a problem with my cat, but he is fine now. :)
I also had my first therapy session today and it sort of took it out of me mentally and physically. You know, too many teary moments and delving in to the past, AGAIN!!!
The therapist had me doing some tapping, which I have not done before and I am to use this method until our next meet. Apparently there are no side affects apart from tingling fingers and an aching arm from too much tapping. :D
I'll give anything a go, well almost anything, but I have wanted to try this method, so I am.
I feel a bit weary today with my cat being ill and the tapping and anxiety symptoms a little high, but I understand that. My cat is like my baby!
Ok. Itchy Legs. Have you had that feeling? Where you could actually rip the skin off your legs from incredible itching. I have and I don't know what causes it, maybe nerve endings or adrenalin, but if you resist to itch them, it actually goes away. Once you start scratching, it never seems to stop. Do whatever you have to, to NOT scratch. Cold water compress, cool cream or just grit your teeth and it will go away. :)
I'm keeping it short and sweet today, so until next time............
We had quite a few cats before dogs , the last one taught the dog to go out to pee through the cat flap until he couldn't fit anymore , we had one that didn't seem to like us it would sit and face the wall rather than look at you , it made you just want it more the ignorant little shite .
Really curious about the tapping , going through a rough time and I'd try anything yes anything , if I thought rubbing cow dung on my head would help I'd give it a go ( it might at least help my hair grow :D)
Rub those itches with the palm of your hand no scratching with your nails been telling the kids that for years , a good scratch does feel very satisfying but it's more addictive than crack .
Take care carnation .:)
Well, I'm late checking in again.
I have no idea why I keep running out of time to do things lately.
Have I really slowed down that much!?
Or maybe I am all tapped out. :D
Buster I had a full hour of tapping yesterday, but it didn't knock any sense in to me.
Apparently there are no side affects with tapping and I can tell you today, that I have no soreness, which was something I was concerned about.
I can't say I feel any different and I am not even sure when I am supposed to 'tap'.
If I were to tap for every anxiety moment, I would look very strange, because I would be at it almost every minute of the day. :D
Buster. that is a good tip about using the palm of the hand for an itch. I didn't think of that. I will have to remember that when I get bitten by the hundreds of mossies I encounter in the summer.
My cat seems fine today. So, good that he ate half of my chicken dinner. :D
At least that's another worry off of my mind.
No hot flushes , but muscle twitching today.
Strange, but they don't seem to bother me so much anymore.
I think I have grown to understand them and that's half the battle in getting rid of the blighters. They tend to appear after stress. They are not harmful, just a little uncomfortable. They subside after rest and relaxation. Although they can appear when relaxing, this is the way they perform.
My ability to keep still has improved massively and my blurry eyesight has completely disappeared. Is this due to time passing, my mindfulness course or re-training the brain? Why can we not know the cures as symptoms disappear?
Until next time...........
Senior Moment
09-03-18, 10:00
Hi Carnation. Am still enjoying your posts and relating to a lot of what you say !! I tried the tapping a while back, but like you, if I had to do it every time I felt anxious, my whole day would be taken up with it, and that would be a bit strange. I think it is supposed to be a bit of a "distraction technique" really, just to take your mind off the anxious thoughts and feelings. Not sure, but that's my theory. I have problems with blurry vision too, and sometimes my eyes feel as if they are not "moving" as they should. It's a very strange feeling, but is improving slowly. I've come to the conclusion that anxiety is certainly not for the faint hearted !!! Take care, SM xx
Damn!!! I knew that once I mentioned my blurry eye vision had gone, it would come back! :mad:
But. I was stressed, tired and agitated and as the day went on, it went away.
It's a weird thing and hard to explain what it feels like.
Fuzzy, out of focus, misty, sight out of line. It's really weird.
Senior Moment, I agree with you. I think tapping is a distraction and possibly jolting to our wild brain. I'm not going to tap myself all day long and there are times I could not do it anyway. Especially in public.
Anxiety is the scariest feeling as we can not understand it and understand why it is happening. It feels like you are losing control of yourself and you feel sought of surreal at times. You have no idea how long it is going to last and if it goes, is it going to come back? At least if you have a broken leg you can see it, it repairs and then you can get on with your life. The other annoying aspect to it, is no-one can see it.
Whatever the reasons, I didn't invite it and it's out stayed it's presence.
And to go through life stress free, well, impossible.
So, we need to find ways to de-stress and change the way to deal with the stress.
So, my partner isn't getting the 'Breast from the West', instead we getting the 'Pest from the West'. They are referring to the downpours on their way, which baffles me, because I can't seem to remember the last day we had a rain free day.
Yes, it will be warmer, put what's the use of that if it is p.ssing down. :lac:
I recommend that we all mediate every day and listen to a compilation of birds chirping away with a nice warm ray lamp against our face, someone to massage our feet, maybe comb our hair and while they are at it, they can cook our dinner as well. :D Ahhh, I've got it. We all need butlers and maids. We could give them our worries as well and then we could just float around as if at a hippie fest with flowers in our hair and dancing over the daffodils.
Yeah, I'm losing a bit now, aren't I?
Another tip from my one of therapists is to activate the task we need to, we need to 'WANT' to do it. So even if you don't, can't or fearful of doing something, you need to tell your brain that you want to walk over there, make the dinner, go somewhere and so on. This does help a lot! It helps fight the fear and changes the way the brain reacts or has been reacting with anxiety. Why not give it a try, you can't lose anything by it.
to be continued...........
Hi all :)
I will start by saying I overslept this morning.
Is this a good thing, because I haven't done this for months!!!!
I didn't particularly have an exhausting day, but maybe I am more relaxed.
It beats waking up at 4am in a panic or thinking it is time to get up. :ohmy:
Do you ever get that thump, thump, thump of the heart beating when you go to bed?
I do and have experienced it most of my life.
It used to happen when I was stressed or worried and still happens from time to time now. It also doesn't bother me, because the beating of the heart reassures me that I am alive! But, the downside is because you can hear it, it can keep you awake.
Have you ever tried willing it to be quiet. Try it.
You can sometimes hear it through lying on your ear. Same thing. Accept it and calm it. Don't start thinking that it is beating too fast, too loud, missing beats. Just stay calm, smile because it IS beating and ask it too calm down.
No hot flushes for me today and it has been the first time since my relapse that I was able to lay back and relax in the bath without panicking, so things are looking up.
Walking was good and only had one blurry vision moment, but that was because I had been on the computer for three hours solid.
Sometimes there are valid reasons for the way we feel. :)
to be continued...........
I am dedicating today's blog to my dear departed mum, who sadly passed away a year today and unfortunately has fallen on Mother's Day.
So, please ignore today's post if you think it will upset you.
It has been a difficult time trying to ignore all the media advertising from florists, card shops and restaurants everywhere I look.
I had to keep the radio and TV off today and wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.
I wanted to do something for my mum, but I didn't know what to do, so I thought I would put words on my thread to remember her by.
I never liked 'Mother's Day' anyway, because of 'media' telling you when you should treat your mum and buy her flowers, which should be done as and when you feel like it. However, my mum would give me what for, if I forgot her flowers and didn't remember. :D 'Thanks darling', she would say. And then she would say, 'You shouldn't waste your money on me'. :D
Spring flowers were her favourites. Daffodils, tulips, narcissus, iris and freesias. But she loved her anemones, which were always hard to find.
I buy them for me now and place them by my mum's photo.
Don't get me wrong, time is helping with moving on, but I have just gone through the 'firsts'. The first Christmas, the first birthday, Anniversary and now Mother's Day.
She was my Mum, my best friend, my companion and my Life!
She would give me her honest opinion, advice, wisdom, courage, a home and help in times of dire straits. Who else would do that?
We really don't realise until they have gone, how important they are in our life and when she became ill, I cared for her and letting her go was the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life.
I can't believe I miss her nagging, her disapproval, her sharp tongue and her taste in music. Lets face it, who like Frankie Vaughan and Johnny Mathis?
But she also liked the stuff I like and I can now listen to it, without bursting in to tears all the time.
I used to jib her about her cooking, but she was a good cook and made a fabulous chicken and leek pie and a trifle to die for.
Always smart herself and always commenting on how scruffy I look.
"I'm being urban mum", I would say. That's the fashion.
"Well, you look like a bag of shit", my mum would say.
I always managed to make my mum laugh. I would say silly things and do a funny dance for her or make my hair stick out and then ask her, "What do you think of my new hair do". "Silly cow", she would say. "How old are you", she would ask as if I should be acting like a grown woman and not a kid.
We had a Love/Hate relationship. But, deep down, we had a strong bond.
I used to think to myself, "Blimey, my mum's getting old", but she always looked young to me. Nothing! Prepares you for when they leave you and how you feel after they have gone.
The day is nearly over, but my memories of my mum will live on.
So, until next time...............
I'm so sorry that the first anniversary has fallen on Mother's Day-that's doubly hard for you. Glad you could express all your thoughts and memories on here though. Hope the day is soon over for you xx
That's very kind and brave to read my sadness Pulisa. x
Back to a normal day today.
What I mean is no added stress or sadness, but a normal day for someone with Anxiety.
I am now in to my 4th week of Mindfulness and this is 'Emotions' week.
The idea is to find out how problems/trauma/sadness from the past/present and future can manifest in our bodies causing pain or discomfort. Well that's the way I have read it. I know I am a pain in the a*se most of the time, but seriously this is going to be a interesting one. I haven't started yet, so will report back with my results as soon as.
The 'Exercise' week was particularly hard and if I am being honest, I didn't follow it religiously. But on the whole, the Mindfulness course has been quite successful.
I managed to go out for a full day. Walking was good, focus was good and I managed to keep still long enough to have lunch out, which is a major hurdle for me.
All those things that can set anxiety off. Too many people, crowded, noisy, eating in public, waiting for your order, sitting still, being stared out; a real challenge.
But I did it and was chuffed with myself. :)
I didn't use the 'tapping', I just stayed focussed in in the moment. Each time my mind wandered, I brought myself back in to the present. It's not that easy, but with practice, it gets easier. This is all part Mindfulness.
I get very tired with the fighting and the challenges, but I'd rather take a rest to re-charge than be bullied by anxiety and it's symptoms.
I found a tip that helps when you feel your eyes going out of focus.
This only helps if you are indoors and preferably sitting down.
If you close your eyes for a few seconds, then open them. Don't worry if they are out of focus after doing that, because that is a normal reaction, but if you do this few times, each time you do this, your focus improves.
Please do not do this if you are walking; only if you are at home. I wouldn't want anyone walking in to lamppost or falling down a kerb.
I have also found that the 'Senses' approach really helps a lot.
Apparently if the brain is smelling, tasting, hearing, touching and looking, it can divert it from panic. So if you feel panicky, look for a focus, touch something, smell something, focus on listening to a sound and have a snack. Try any, a few or all.
I used this when having lunch out today.
I listened to the music in the background, focussed on the waitresses, touched and played with all the items on the table, smelt the food being prepared and tasted the food when it arrived. I know that may sound all normal reactions, but I made a note of really taking in every sense of being in that present moment.
So that you don't panic finding any of these things to do, here are few pointers to set you up if that occasion should arise.
Spray a scent on your hand in the morning or carry a swig of lavender in your bag.
Carry a few sweets or nuts, fruit in your bag when you go out.
Wear a piece of jewellery that you can touch and the other two senses; seeing and hearing, is all around you.
Another de-stressor is wringing your hands.
Can you remember those interview days when you didn't know what to do with your hands, so you would be wringing them, without even knowing. This is a good one to use if you are waiting in a queue, stuck in traffic, waiting to served and so on.
If you use hand cream, that is a good way to apply this technique.
Anyway, hope some of this helps.
Until next time............
Not so great today. :(
Well, there's no point in covering it up and telling you how wonderful everything is all of the time.
The good news is that anxiety was not the culprit, but has fuelled the anxiety.
I was sick in the night, which obviously took me by surprise and now my brain is trying to work out why???
I probably haven't told you that I suffer with my sinuses and have bouts of about 30 sneezes in one go, eyes get watery and I get that horrible sticky substance in my throat. Pain around the eyes, jaw, cheek and teeth. Blocked nostrils and a dull pain over my eyes. It comes and goes and is a real nuisance!
The other thing I suffer with is acid reflux.
I am getting to know the things I can and can't eat; the hard way!!
I get pains in my stomach, burning sensations and when at it's worse, the acid comes up to burn my throat.
Now my sickness is due to one of these, possibly both, but I am more likely to believe that it was acid reflux as I ate something that definitely aggravated it and upset me.
Pork Crackling.
I also can not eat tomatoes, fried foods, pies, processed food, too much chocolate, fruit, fizzy drinks, cucumber, alcohol and fatty foods.
I was ill and paid the price, but it has set off my anxiety so bad, that I had to cut short my trip outside today as I just could not cope and thought I was going to collapse any minute. Especially when I bumped in to someone I knew who asked me If I was ok and asked if I had a cold, which I haven't, but her comment through me in to a panic.
I was also hot flushing and just couldn't cool down, eyes watery and blurry and walking was so bad that I decided to give in and go home.
I must have looked in the mirror about 30 times today to see if I look normal, drank water like I was in the Sahara and only ate things that I know will do me no harm.
I am conscious about being sick again petrified with the thought of going to bed and the same thing happening. I actually slept sitting up last night for fear of that and I may do the same tonight.
It's bad enough being sick, then figuring out why, but when you are in a deep sleep, it wakes you with an incredible fright.
So, sorry I am not so good today, but a blog has to be warts n' all and today is most definitely a wart.
So, hoping for a positive tomorrow.
Senior Moment
14-03-18, 12:15
Hello Carnation. Sorry to hear you were not well yesterday. I know the feeling of being physically unwell and setting the anxiety off on a trip !!! Does it for me every time, its my worse "trigger". Its part of the recovery process tho, so they say, good days and bad days. I do hope today is a better day for you. Take care SM x
Thank you SM x How right you are.
Thankfully today was a much better day. :)
Strange how two days can be completely different.
The fear after a bad day, is the fear of another bad day.
The fear is in the thinking before it actually happens.
I'm not one to give in or be beaten, so after licking my wounds, so-to-speak, I looked at today as a fresh new day; even though deep down I was dubious on how it was going to pan out.
Luckily for me, once I got past the, 'I am petrified of what is going to happen' thought, I was ok and achieved quite a lot today. :)
I've done all the food shopping, visited a neighbour, walked a mile and done some gardening. Absolutely all fine and in control. In fact, someone commented on how nice I looked today and I hadn't even made any effort. Must be my confidence. :)
The one thing I did cancel, was my dentist appointment. I just couldn't face a dental clean. That awful noise of the apparatus they use and lying there all vulnerable and exposed! :scared15:
Now. Back to fighting this dragon.
Apart from the obvious of fighting the Fear, we also need to be kind to ourselves.
Kind to our stomach, kind to our mind and kind to our bodies.
Starting with my stomach as it is so closely linked to our brain.
My way of thinking.......
If my stomach is settled, then surely it will help my brain to settle and perform better.
So as from yesterday, I am concentrating on chicken, turkey, pork, fish and green veg and eggs and yoghurts. Cutting out fatty meat, cakes, puddings and biscuits.
I want to see if this will make a difference in settling my stomach and calming the brain. As I have gained quite a bit of weight over the winter, I am hoping that I can sort out two things at once here. I'm not saying no cake ever again, just for a while to see if there is any difference with my symptoms and anxiety.
I'm going to give this a few weeks and I will report back on any changes.
I have noticed when I am nervous, especially when out, I talk excessively to complete strangers about utter rubbish to distract myself from my anxiety.
I don't mind this as much as other people who may think I over friendly or strange, but it does help me. Firstly, for distraction and secondly, overcoming socialising.
One of things that cause anxiety is the feeling of being alone or lonely.
Everyone needs contact with the outside world, even if it on this Forum.
Just a chat to a passer by, a neighbour, the postman, the checkout cashier, it is really important to keep some communication. However, too many people, say for instance a crowded place, can tip us over the edge and find it too unbearable to manage.
So, if you are out and someone smiles, make a comment about the weather and or something and it will make you feel more uplifted and take your mind away from the anxiety you may have been feeling.
So until next time.........
Anxiety put to the test today. :wacko:
A power cut, which left me with no heating, no lighting, no TV, no cooker and no kettle to make a cup of tea.
So, I went out. Hoping it would be fixed when I came home.
Unexpectedly, it did not effect my walking or cause any blurry eyesight, but I could not stop thinking about the panic I would be in if I went home and there would be no electricity. My brain was going in to overdrive about how I would keep warm, what I would eat with no cooker, where I could get a cup of tea, did I have any candles, did I have enough candles? The thought of putting the battery operated Christmas lights back up, also entered my head. :scared15:
Thankfully it was back on, but the excessive thinking and worrying has worn me out.
Looking on the Brightside. I didn't have a panic attack and I didn't sit around waiting in despair. I kept busy and distracted myself as much as I could.
The point I wanted to make is that if something is out of your control, you have to sometimes just let time and whoever is in control take care of things and at the same time, hope for the best.
Now, I have been reading quite a bit about anxiety and the pain that it can cause in the body. I have also been trying to ignore any discomfort pain, aches and discomfort that I feel. Apparently, this is the wrong thing to do. By ignoring it, it won't go away and just feeds back to the anxiety. What we have to do is notice it, acknowledge it and tell our brains that we know we have a headache, stomach ache and so on.
It's the same for grief. You can shelve it, hold it back, ignore it, but it won't go away until you grieve. It will manifest until you let it go. Holding things in is bad for you.
And again with guilt or regret. Guilt feelings may crop up from time to time. You know the sort of thing. "I should have done this", "I wasn't there", "It was my fault", you get the drift. These feelings have to be dealt with. It needs to be wrapped up and shelved.
For instance. One thing that crops up with me is that I should have been with my mum when she passed. I wasn't, because I was ill at the time, but even if I was well, it could still have happened that way. I can't blame myself for this anymore.
The same situation happened with my dad. He was told to go home, because his mother was stable and as soon as he left, she went.
We tend to blame ourselves for stuff that is out of our control or the odds are just against us. What we should do is be proud that we care, because these thoughts mean we have a conscious mind and that is a positive, as long as we do not dwell on it.
So every time I feel a pain, ache or discomfort, I consciously make a point of what I was thinking about when I got that feeling and then I try to reassure myself that I was beyond my control or not my fault and there is nothing to be fearful about.
Sorry, if I sound heavy today, but this is part of my mindfulness course and I think it is very apt to overcoming our negative thoughts and our wellbeing.
Until next time..............
Senior Moment
16-03-18, 12:11
Hi Carnation. Enjoyed reading your post today, as always, and could empathise with it as well. I cared for my mother for 12 years before she passed away, and devoted almost every waking hour to her needs, but I still managed to find reasons why I hadn't done enough !! Crazy thinking I know because in my "sane mind" I knew that there was nothing more I could have done. The mind is so complex and sometimes finds reasons to "beat us up" one way or another. Onward and upward, as the saying goes. Take care SM x
Senior Moment, you will know too well how difficult it is to care for someone and have to make sensitive decisions and be there for that person 24/7. :hugs:
It certainly takes it's toll on you and if I guess right, you probably did not have much time or inclination to look after yourself.
The other effect this has on you, is you have a true insight in to everything behind the scenes. I felt I'd climbed a mountain and back and still thought afterwards that it maybe wasn't enough.
We know this is not true deep down and I was told by several people that this is part of the grieving process, which can go on for years!
I once asked my dad how I was going to cope being left on my own.
"Because you are strong", he said.
But I am not. I may appear to be strong, but inside I am weak and pathetic with my stomach churning over all the time."
I cry at the news, a sad story in a magazine, news of someone passing. I just can't get away from it. Even a film will have me sobbing through the sad bits.
When I watched 'Warhorse', I went through a whole box of tissues. :ohmy:
The thing is. When you care for someone, you become empathetic and feel every pain and woe from somebody. I was told by my therapist that I have great empathy, which is a good thing and a bad thing. She told me the bad side, but I am yet to know the good side of it.
If we were of a different character and lived in our own bubble and didn't give two figs about anything, we would probably feel completely different.
When you finish caring for someone, it leaves more than an empty gap in your life.
The worry turns to yourself and what will become of you. How will you cope?
This is bad for us and very difficult to think this way.
Somehow, we need to find stability and worth in our lives and think positively about our future. It takes time, but if we feel more positive and have positivity in our lives, it can change the way we feel for the better. :)
What I do know of is 'Miracles'.
My mum was originally told that she would not live at the age of 36 and lived to be 84!
And take the late 'Stephen Hawking' Another 50 years on top of his given life.
Sometimes you have to just carry on and live!
I am trying to work on this myself. To re-build my life, to not look back and live in the present.
Talking of that. I woke up with what I call my 'worry head' this morning.
All my problems, health issues, and past and future haunts were buzzing around like a mad bee trying to make me anxious.
So, I started talking to myself.
"Yes, I know I have a worry, but there's nothing I can do about it now and it is not so bad as I am making it out to be".
"I am in control of my thoughts and whatever happened in the past is not my fault or a worry to me now".
"I know I am worrying about the future, but I am in the present and that is where I want to stay".
I think it sort of worked. :)
I don't always remember my dreams, but I would hate to think I was like this all the time I was sleeping. Do you ever get those mornings when you feel like you have had no sleep? This is why it is important to go to sleep on a good note. A nice story before bedtime, a gentle film or a comedy.
My worries give me hot flushes and then it turns in to anxiety.
Talking of anxiety. I wish the media would not keep going on about more terrible 'Beasts' coming our way. As if anxiety is not enough, we have to be scared even more about the weather and what it is going to do and how it could affect us with power cuts and so on. They need to be more careful. Vulnerable people listen to this jargon.
Ok, tell us it is going to snow and be windy, but don't put the s**ts up everyone. :scared15:
I have a massive phobia of 'Thunder and Lightning' and started a thread on it a couple of years ago. I get absolutely petrified and ended up sitting on the floor in tears.
Now it seems to be turning in to snow and wind!!!
I have enough personal wind of my own without anymore.
A neighbour said this morning the exact same thing and they are wrong to blow it all up.
It's news and they will be making the same threats about the hot sun in the summer.
There, I have convinced myself to be calm and just busy myself with interesting things. Warm blanket, hot cup of tea, good book, good film and snooze through until spring. (That's hopefully Monday).
So, unless my internet is cut off, I will continue tomorrow :)...........
I bet it won't be that bad, Carnation. It's only for the weekend anyway and Spring has certainly made its presence felt today in deepest Surrey.
Now I will be jinxed and my heating will break down...:D
Lovely day in the East too. (That's where the brunt of it is supposed to be, I think?
Went misty an hour ago, , but strangely has cleared. :shrug:
Keep warm Pulisa until that sunny day again. x
my anxiety gets worse in public, better in my room :)
Hi Mark, I used to feel the same way.
Problems with Acid Reflux today. :(
I've been so good with watching what I eat and becoming a complete bore.
Last night I had a craving for fish and chips and now I am paying the price for it.
Burning in the chest area, discomfort in the stomach and acid trying to fight it's way out of my body. :scared15:
I couldn't lay on my side, I couldn't lay on my back. I felt sick. I was grumpy.
What a terrible night's sleep.
So, I jumped on the internet and found a list of good foods for acid reflux.
Believe me, there's not a lot, unless you are a rabbit. But, if I want this to settle, I will have to play ball.
I truly believe that a nervous stomach adds to this problem and as I sleep under a massive tree of around 60ft, I sort of have a problem with sleeping with these strong winds. I'm not over dramatizing about this, it has already happened with another tree about 2 months ago. Only inches away from the ceiling of my bedroom. :scared15:
If I didn't have acid reflux, then a tot of brandy would have been on the cards. :D
I've been doing my 'tapping' exercises. I tried it out yesterday when I felt myself going in to a panic. My partner was not well and I the thought of him going in to hospital made me feel very anxious.
Can I just say that it takes huge concentration to sit down and follow the 'tapping' procedure, which takes about ten minutes, when you feel very panicky.
Not to be beaten, I focussed and did them and I have to say, I actually felt a lot better!
Now if I could that for the acid reflux............
On top of that, my sinuses have been playing up. I don't know whether to hold my head or my stomach; maybe both. :D
Do you know what? I think it's sunshine I need. Seems like a dream with all this terrible weather. This time last year I was digging over beds ready for planting and the grass had two cuts by now. I hate being cheated out of my spring months as it is my favourite time of the year.
Keep safe and warm everyone. It will be over before you know it. :)
Until next time...........
Wow! I had my first night's sleep all the way through with no waking up in the middle of the night, going to the loo or panicking or both. A full 8 hours!!!
This with the wind blowing like a jet engine and freezing cold temperatures.
Sorry, I have to say this again; Wow! :yesyes: Not had this for months!!!!!
What's happening? Now my brain wants to know why I had a good night's sleep.
Is it my change in diet? Is it my tapping? Is it my Mindfulness Course? Or is it because I was so shattered, I just conked out? I will be anxious to find out if the same happens tonight. You see, we have to be anxious about something. :wacko:
No snow here, but I know some of you have. Just horrendous wind. Indoors and out. :D Still have my stomach issues, but a little better today.
My stomach has felt like I have been carrying rock inside it and little nippy pains and very uncomfortable. Belching, farting and gurgling; all going on. I have the appearance of looking about 6 months pregnant, but I can assure you I am not! :D
I've had toilet issues too. I won't going in to minor details, but one minute I am one way and the next day, I am the other.
Acid reflux had calmed down today, but had a horrible metallic taste in my mouth yesterday, so I just had to have some chocolate to take the taste away. What an excuse. :D
It's been a hard weekend with the cold and threats from the media and feeling like we should be enjoying those wonderful moments of spring.
When you stay indoors, it is so hard to stay occupied, you even feel like you are fed-up with your own company sometimes and wish you could leave yourself for ten minutes for a rest. The TV doesn't help much, because although there around 700 odd stations and the emphasis being on the 'odd', I struggle to find something to keep my attention. I actually find the quizzes and programmes with narrative better for me as it feels like there are people in the room with me, sort of company.
'Room 101', 'Would I Lie to You', 'The Chase', 'Pointless', 'Mastermind.'
Breathing..........
I don't think I have mentioned this tip before, but you know the breathing exercise you are supposed to do when you get panicky? Well, I always found this difficult, because it sometimes made me feel light headed. But, if you do the breath through the left nostril only and holding your thumb over the right nostril, this calms you and acts in the same way, but doesn't make you feel light headed. I did this on many occasions with the numerous visits to the hospital to see my mum.
It got me through my lift phobia and acted as garlic against the 'white coat' brigade that surround me from every corner. Even helped me to walk in to a room contaminated with MRSA! Although I did have two overalls on and 3 sets of gloves and not a patch of skin exposed except for my eyes. :scared15: Joking apart, it does work and clears your sinuses as well. Just don't do too much or too hard. About 3 or 4 times several times a day when you need that extra push to keep control.
The other thing I wanted to mention was something I recently read in a magazine.
Apparently, when we get to certain age and our hormones change somewhat dramatically. It can affect us with anxiety problems. And....
If you were a slightly anxious person as a child or teenager or had phobia or OCD issues, they can sometimes be magnified as we get older.
I'm talking about 'The Change'. :scared15:
This can be controlled with vitamin replacement and a good diet.
Also panic sets in when we realise that we are now the 'Parent' of our mother and father as well as our children. Age has now becoming apparent and worry follows.
This is why it is so important that we still 'play' or have some sort of fun, which I know is difficult to find or do. But when was the last time you danced, sang, played an instrument, a game, really laughed at something on the TV, kicked the sand with your feet, had a pillow fight, a tickle fight, played games with your cat or dog. The list is endless. Somehow, we need to feed our brains with pleasure and relive our childhood/teenage years to keep those hormones balanced.
If you are not social, then maybe it is time to start gradually at building up that area in your life. Even going to library regularly can help. When someone smiles or chats to you, it makes you instantly feel better.
The Library was my first venture after I had locked myself up in my bedroom for 3 months. A car boot was my next venture and even though I cried myself in to a 'I can't do this, I am too scared' situation. I did and I did it again the next week and after a couple of months, I actually did a car boot.
'Baby Steps'. A little at a time and rebuild your confidence.
Just think if you are scared. There are people around you that would help you if you needed it. I know when I broke down when I received the news that my mum had passed away, I was in the middle of Town standing outside a bank and loads of people came over to me and asked me if I was alright. I even got a chair and a cup of tea. :) There are still some amazing people out there, so never, never feel like you are alone.
If you feel you are not ready to venture out yet, then maybe take up painting, a craft, write a book, make a quilt, build a pond or rockery in the garden, grown herbs and veggies, bake some bread. Whatever it is, you feel the benefit from it. :)
Until next time............
Senior Moment
18-03-18, 18:35
Lovely interesting post today Carnation. Going to try your breathing through one nostril tip, because I do find sometimes that I get a bit lightheaded . Horible weather here in South Wales today, looking out at my garden covered in the white stuff for the second time in as many weeks. Some of my shrubs are looking very sad. Think I've lost some of them. Nevermind, spring is round the corner and I'm hoping I will feel like spending more time out there this summer than I did last year. I really missed 'pottering'. Hope you have a good nights sleep again tonight, as it does help you cope better next day I find. Take care SM x
Great that you got some uninterrupted sleep, Carnation! It must have set you up for the day.
We have loads of snow in deepest Surrey-it's almost worse than 2 weeks ago. On Friday I didn't need a coat and now it's brass monkeys.
I wanted to ask you whether your Mindfulness course was NHS-run? Doubtful because it sounds too extensive but I could be very wrong?
Wow you have been busy writing since I last checked in , I've just caught up ,I'm with you on the acid reflux pretty sure that's what is making my lungs so bad breathing in the acid but I'm so weak when it comes to not eating the bad stuff or saying no to the feeders , I've been trying to lose some weight since Christmas ( probably Christmas 1999 ) but I do comfort eat , last night I had an Easter egg , didn't even feel guilty , I've lost seven pounds so far but it's so bloody hard temptation is everywhere.
I see you and pulisa have heating perhaps you could post me some , it's been so cold this weekend and white over even the dogs didn't want to go out , I've fished out a sleeping bag to sit in tonight , if we had a power cut which I used to love ( bottle of whiskey and an open fire ) I'd be better off out in the van , cooker, tv and a stash of chockie bickies :)
Take care you guys :hugs:
Thank you SM. :)
I hope you find that technique helpful.
I only do the other breathing when I am lying down. That way, I can't fall down. :D
My shrubs look the same, but nature has the power to change that! x
Pulisa, I am actually following a Mindfulness Course from a book called, 'Frazzled'.
I chose it because it was short to read and uncomplicated.
If this one doesn't do the job, I will try another and another until I get some joy.
We didn't get any snow here in the East. Think the wind blew it across country.
Good job you got home safe with your car issues. Warming up from Monday, so hopefully it won't be around for long. :) x
Buster, I think you are right about the acid reflux and the breathing. It makes me quite wheezy from time to time and yet I can easily walk a mile as you probably do with the dogs.
Buster, I was brought up in a house with no central heating. Just a gas fire in the sitting room. No heating in the kitchen, bathroom or bedrooms, so sleeping bags always came out in the winter. So did the bed socks, hot water bottles and wearing a dressing gown inside the bed was quite a common routine. I used to wake up with an icy nose and prayed for someone to bring me a hot cup of tea. :D Thankfully my mum did.
The first time I stayed in a home with central heating, I had to keep standing outside in the garden to cool down. The body has a brilliant way of adjusting to heat and it's surroundings. You might go out in the cold and feel cold, but after a while, it's seems warmer. Like going in to the sea. Really cold at first and then quite pleasant.
The locals do a charity thing here by skinny dipping in 1-5c temperatures.
Obviously, I don't rush to join them. :D
I grew up in a house with no central heating too! Some gas fires downstairs but no heating at all upstairs and frost on the inner windows. We are very spoilt now with heating.
"Frazzled" sounds a great title for a book-I'll look out for it! Thanks, Carnation x
Yes, we are spoilt Pulisa. :)
The book is by Ruby Wax.
I have difficulty wading through heavy literature and language that is difficult to understand. This book is funny, informative and short!
I think it's for people that don't have much time on their hands. Ten minutes here and there sort of thing. I had to adapt the 'Exercise' week, because it seemed like they were created for a body builder. :D x
---------- Post added at 18:05 ---------- Previous post was at 14:15 ----------
Now in to my 5th week of Mindfulness.
In short, it's basically about re-wiring your thoughts. :wacko:
Had a bit of panic last night washing my hair.
My face was bright red and it just wouldn't calm down.
I got myself in to such a state and stupidly misread adrenalin in my legs for a draught coming through my bedroom window. You see, how the brain goes in to overdrive.
Partner told me I was red in the face, because I had the hairdryer going on full power and was rushing. I should know this and just take my time and stay calm. Ha ha. :D
Easy for them to say. But he was right.
So I did some more tapping.
I wonder whether this is a psychological method of calming, especially as I'm not sure if I am tapping in the right bits. But it seemed to work.
Adrenalin rushes, normally experienced in the legs, can be one of the worst of the anxiety symptoms. Some people tell you to walk around, climb some stairs, basically wear it off. But I've always stood my ground, even though my brain wants to react in panic, I tend to just sit and sometimes cry. I know crying calms you down, so it's become an automatic thing with me.
I have been told that adrenalin is harmless. So what's it there for?
For the reason our body wants to run and we don't. 'Fight or Flight'.
I used to get this a lot, but a trickle is more what I receive now. I can cope with that, just about, but I'd rather not have it all.
I'm still on my good diet, even though it is boring the pants off me.
I am hoping once my tummy has settled, I can indulge in a bit of naughty food.
The broccoli and turkey are just so bland and yogurts remind me of the consistence of wallpaper paste. How I long for a bar of chocolate.
On the plus side. My stomach has gone down, the gurgling has stopped, the nippy pains have gone away and I don't feel heavy and bloated.
Acid reflux is only slightly apparent, which is the blighter I want to rid.
My mum suffered a stomach ulcer and so did my gran.
I remember my mum sucking a bit of chocolate, but not eating it.
I'm not saying I have an ulcer, but I don't want to get one. :scared15:
So I am now off to have my chicken and broccoli with a plain potato.
I will sniff the wine and pretend my chicken is a nice juicy steak. :)
Until next time...........
Thought I'd treat myself to heating in my workshop today what with the snow an all , Ive been putting off having a wood burner for years because I will forget about it and burn the place down , so anyway welded one up out of an old safe cut a hole in the snow covered roof and there it is a heating source , well In theory, lit the fire and the wind was blowing so hard most of the smoke came inside so what I had fitted was a smoke machine , it looked like an 80s disco just needed Tainted love playing , then to add insult the sun came out and it warmed up , and to add double insult I left a pack of chocolate biscuits on the dash of my van and the sun actually melted them , you couldn't make it up .
Broccoli do they still make that ? I've only ever eaten it out of my dads garden raw ,once mum cooked it I wouldn't touch it , I used to love grazing around my dads garden , runner beans ,cauliflower , peas , blackberries, all better when they were scrumpted , I guess broccoli must be good for you as its not very nice , why can't chocolate and cake be good for you and Brussels a health hazard , there is a god and he's having a laugh :roflmao:
Buster, what you like? :roflmao:
You really do like making things don't you?
There is money in that you know.
There's a guy here that makes things out of scrap metal and he makes penny slot machines, (which are actually 50p slots), like 'Bash the Banker', 'Fortune Telling from your Brain' and the Clock that went it strikes on the hour it squirts water from a man's privates! :D
He's made a lot of money from them.
Melted chocolate never tastes the same.
Don't knock the 'Broc', it's shifted my bulging belly. :D
A much better day today. :)
I mean the weather and my coping.
I got dressed as soon as I got up today, which is good for me and my neighbours. :D
I did quite a bit of manual work in the house, a big shop and carried the bags for half a mile without panicking and chatted to the neighbours without shaking.
Anxiety can be exhausting. The constant pushing yourself, the thoughts, the symptoms, the worry. Every evening I am out for the count. But I don't mind that, if I can get all my chores done and don't feel trapped by my anxiety.
I am still persevering with my Mindfulness course and I have another meet with my therapist tomorrow, so he will probably want to know how my 'tapping' has been going. I've not had a male therapist before and it wouldn't be my first choice due to certain female issues, but hey, I'll give it a go.
'Tapping' involves the Chakras. Apparently if one of your Chakras is out, it throws an in-balance within the body. It occurred to me last night that I get pain from these areas, so maybe there is something in this Chakra thing???
I am going to bring this up tomorrow with my therapist.
"OMG, there's something wrong with me", I think. I have pain. "Never had it before, so something must be wrong with me".
Pain is something we all worry about. And I've had pain all over the body since Anxiety. :weep:
From Ice-pick headaches that went on for 6 months, pains that feel like cramp in my legs that make me think I have a blood clot, neuralgia in my face, toothache, gum ache, stomach ache, chest pains that had me phoning the emergency services thinking I was having a heart attack and then to be told I had a panic attack, pain in the shoulder, arms, wrists, hands, neck, eyes, lower backache that left me feeling about 100 and sciatica! Think that's about everything. Actually it isn't.
I've had pain in my toes, my nose, my ears; look, I'll just say everywhere.
Now how can this be? I can't have everything wrong with me, but the nervous system would cause this, wouldn't it? A breakdown, a relapse, Anxiety!
Why can we not believe that all of this is anxiety and not something more serious?
I even take on an illness that someone else has got.
Maybe out chatting to someone or watching TV, I start to think, "Yes, I might have that". Partner just laughs at me now. I've turned in to a hypochondriac.
My mum was like this after she was diagnosed with cancer.
Every little pain, she thought, "Its' back again". And every time she went to the Docs, he said, "Sorry, there's nothing wrong". I kid you not, my mum was down the surgery 2-3 times a week at one point in her life. She actually never became ill again with anything. Even until the end, she just gave up living after dad died, but had absolutely nothing wrong with her organs whatsoever. I don't want to become like that and keep worrying over things I don't have. My over obsessing just makes my anxiety worse.
So my train of thought now, is to deal with the anxiety and the symptoms will fade.
That's my goal. :) Notice I did not mention 'hope'. I want to stay positive and as I get emotional typing this, I want to live!!!! I want to feel free and not worry all the time.
It's ruining my life and I am wasting it.
So my tip for today is not to keep yourself in the 'protection' mode all of the time.
If you feel a moment of panic or worry, don't run to sit down or not go in a room. Just for once, break through that barrier, don't look at the floor or your feet, look around the room or Town if outside and see what happens. Stay focused and brave. :hugs:
Oh, by the way, my swaying feeling has stopped. :yesyes:
Until next time.............
It might surprise you to know I wasn't oxford educated but I seem to read some posts and think what the hell i know nothing , what is tapping ? What do you tap on ? What's a chakra ? Have men got them ? Where would I find them ? I'm finding more questions than answers on here lately.
Funny that we catch other poeples illnesses , so many times I've had a eureka moment when I hear somebody talk about their illness and symptoms, I think my god that's me that's what I've got then the anxiety changes it's mind and I have to start looking again for new answer , anxiety is a real shape shifter.
I've decided to take a day off from anxiety tomorrow but not sure if anxiety has the same idea .
Take care .:)
Buster, I wasn't educated at Oxford either. Cambridge!
:roflmao: Actually, neither. (Hence all the spelling mistakes).
It hasn't stopped me from absorbing much needed info and I like to think I am streetwise, which I think you are too.
I think when Life has not dealt you an easy ride, it can make you more ambitious.
Something to prove to the world and yourself.
Ok, 'Tapping' is a therapy used on the 'Chakras'.
Well, you did ask. :D
There are many Chakra points on the body, but there are ten points that are used for Anxiety relief. This is where you 'Tap' to change your thoughts.
The 'Chakras' are nerve points, this is why it is supposed to work.
The points are, the side of the hand, in between the eyebrows, the sides of the eyes, under the eyes, under the nose, the chin, the collarbone, under the arm, insides of the wrists and the top of the head.
It is referred to as the EFT Tapping Points.
Have I bored you yet? :D
Well, I have got to the point in my life, where I will try alternative therapies to gain my life back. So I am giving the 'Tapping' a go.
The first time I tried it I felt ridiculous and thought it had no affect.
But since then, I have tried it twice more and I think it helped.
This could be psychological though, who knows? If it helps, then 'Tapping' I will do. :)
You are supposed to use these points to calm yourself down and alter your negative thinking.
Now, the Chakras that affect the balance of the body are spread from the top of the head to your feet. They have colours and if one, two or more are out of balance they can affect our feelings to the point of not being in balance with each other.
You may have heard of crystals put on these areas to re-balance our bodies while you lie there and wait for the miracle to happen.
This is recognised as Mind/Body/Spirit.
Somehow I can't imagine you being adorned in crystals Buster, but you might look in to the Tapping.
If I haven't bored or bamboozled you by now and you are still reading, you are probably thinking, "I'm definitely not going to ask again"! :)
I did read it through and didn't get bored , I wouldn't mock somthing that might help and believe me I need any help I can get right now , even if it is just in your mind that it's helping then that's got to be a good thing so stick with it , I'm not into meds so I do look for alternatives , at my worst ( this morning horrendous) I take half a 2mg diazepam so doesn't 1mg actually calm me down or just the thought that I've taken it ? It sounds barmy but if you believe it's working it does , I will look into the tapping when I feel a bit better right now I'd need a tap from a sledgehammer in the temple .
Woke up to a migraine so bad I threw up which sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the day , need to get off now my eyes don't want to work .
Keep doing what you are doing and keep posting I know people read it , like it and don't nod off .
Ps I might have some Swarovski crystals in my handbag would they work ? :D
Hi Buster,
Sorry to hear you were poorly this morning. I think you need a good night's sleep.
It could well be all the stress you have been under lately. :hugs:
Very impressed you read my reply and no Swarovski Crystals will not work, but they will look pretty on your dressing table. :D
I'm not up to writing much tonight. I had a therapy session that lasted two and half hours! I'm exhausted and my head feels full of re-thinking and re-wiring thoughts.
So, I'm putting my feet up and watching a bit of trashy TV.
My tip for today is not to have a therapy session over an hour.
You can't crash course with mental health.
So, until next time........
Carnation, that sounds excessive! No one can cope with that. No wonder you are exhausted-far too heavy-going. Hope you are feeling better today xx
Pulisa, I've cancelled my future appointments.
It was someone private through a friend of a friend and I was keen, because of no contract and regular visits, but on the downside, it leaves the sessions wide open for abuse with the time factor and that is not a good thing.
An hour can be exhausting emotionally, but yesterday was just ridiculous.
I know how to 'Tap' and it can be a useful tool when you feel out of control or stressed and after 3 years of therapy, there is only so many times you can go over past events.
So, today I felt angry that I let myself be therapeed, (not a real word), for so long.
I should have said, "That's enough now, I can't take anymore". But I didn't and I feel a bit pathetic that I did not speak up for myself. And no, I don't want more therapy for not be able to say NO! :D
I actually took on this therapist so that it would help me with my confidence with my driving and monophobia. (That's being afraid of being on your own).
After 4 hours of therapy in two sessions, I realised very quickly that this situation was not going to work for me. And that experience has learned me a lesson and made me more confident now to say, "not for me!".
Now, despite all of that, I went out all day today, even though my mobile phone had packed up and died on me, which is definitely one of my safety tools.
I was determined not going to be beaten and become a victim and I am pleased to say that I was perfectly fine. Even had lunch without wriggling in my seat, hot flushing and stayed perfectly calm. Using my tools from Mindfulness, like looking around the room, out of the window, being aware of what I was eating and actually enjoying it. :)
I am also pleased to say that my stomach has calmed down massively.
Changing my diet for healthy stuff, has now allowed me to have a few naughty things.
I am very happy about this, because as I suffer from health anxiety, an ulcer did cross my mind. I've also found out since that there has been a tummy bug going around.
Whatever the cause, it is never a bad idea to eat healthier.
My tip for today is wringing your hands.
You may even do this already or unknowingly. Maybe at an interview, when you are cold or waiting in a queue.
It is a calming action and your body may do it voluntarily, but the centre of your palms is a calming centre.
I'm off tomorrow to hopefully get a new phone. Not my idea of bliss at all.
Waiting in a queue for ages, then fighting off an expensive piece of electronic equipment they want to try and sell me, being bamboozled with technology and probably being laughed at when ask them what the difference is between 3G and 4G.
Let alone ICloud. What happened to just making a call and receiving a call? :D
So, until next time...........
I've got a Sony Ericsson "brick"-I'm a pay-as-you-go dinosaur!
Good for you for ditching the therapist-sounds like mental torture! I was never any good at saying enough's enough when I should have!
Pulisa, If I hadn't had 3 of mine stolen and two dropped in the loo, the last one smashed on the bathroom floor, I would still have my brick T-Mobile.
I don't sit well with all the technology stuff, just need it for emergency situations.
Unfortunately all the lovely red telephone boxes have been removed. :(
I think you or I could do a better job at being a therapist as would a lot of members of here. I believe you have to live it, to understand it. x
Yep definitely with you two on not being able to say NO! , life drags the confidence out of you and others just take advantage, it was discussed at my cbt but he over simplified it , he said just say no if you don't want to do somthing or are not happy with it but having family it's very rarely that simple , when I was younger I didn't have a problem with it in fact quite the opposite if I didn't like what my boss was saying I'd just say fu&k off and walk out ( there were a lot of jobs about back then ) nobody ever walked over me , it was also discussed about not saying when you are not happy about a situation leading to depression.
I couldn't do two and a half hours of therapy and hour seemed a stretch at times then I'd start talking crap because I hate awkward silences or I'd start looking at them thinking weird things like how small their feet are or why they were such dorky shoes .
We need to practice saying " nope sorry had enough you're boring me " ( don't say it to me I'll get a complex ) .
Felt much better today what ever it was passed , went to see an old chap in the city , he's 84 lives in the roughest part alone but is always happy , he goes out every day , goes sailing , travels to Italy alone to see his son and the thing I got from him today apart from an old bike is his acceptance of his own mortality he makes the most of each day because as he put it he won't be around for ever , we had a good old chin wag and a cup of tea , what could have taken ten mins took about an hour and a half , I learnt a thing or two and it was better than therapy for me , had a good drive back with oasis , live forever playing full blast and went to my lock up to work for a few hours in the sun , more therapy .
I think if you Google" therapeed " it probably is a word and might come under the heading of water sports not somthing you would want to get involved in :roflmao:
Buster, I love your stories and the way you tell em'! :D
You sound so much like your old self; I presume that is a good thing?
I'm with you on the chats with the older and wiser and the better attitude to life.
I have a 75 year old neighbour that goes to rock concerts and festivals and all I could think of was how I would be crushed and trampled on and would want the ground to swallow me up for fear of people! :scared15:
But we have a good chat about positive things and found that she has suffered pain and loss, but has adapted a 'live the life to the full' attitude and to be in a 'happy place.' If I had more confidence, I would probably be with her.
I'm more of a dozing off at 10pm in front of the TV and then moaning about the crap I have just watched and then reading in bed yet more literature about anxiety to find myself dropping off mid page like a worn out ageing woman. :D
Buster, I was doing that with the therapist. :D
I thought, "how dare you see me with dirty shoes , creased shirt and unshaven face and tell me that I have to take care of myself and respect myself.
With the charges they make, which is around £50 per hour, they could get their shirts ironed for them. It's that old saying, "Don't do as I do, do as I say". :huh:
Somthing I struggle to understand about anxiety/ depression etc is how your brain just completely changes , how does the wiring or chemicals go wrong and is it reversible, when I was younger I went to see guns and roses at monsters of rock , I was at the front in the mosh pit when two people died in a crowd surge , I didn't lose any sleep over the two poor souls that lost their lives so young just carried on enjoying the weekend , same person same brain and I had to leave a post office queue because I was panicking, for gods sake what did I think was going to happen an OAP stampede because they were giving out free wurthers originals , and I'm pretty sure I could have crowd surfed out on a wave of silver hair , how do we catch the fear ? I've had a lot of near misses over the years is that the catalyst for the fearful thinking ? Maybe if I ever get back to a therapist I should ask instead of judging their shoddy attire .
Take care have a good ish weekend :)
I'm a bit late posting today, but thought I would anyway, because you might think something is up. :wacko:
I have actually had a busy day. Had to get a new phone and did. Had to go to the shopping centre, which I did and now after re-programming my phone, I find I am nearly into the next day! :ohmy:
I actually feel quite proud of myself, because I have to endure many things that could set off my panic. Large open plan shops with lots of scary isles and queues and people with trolleys and large car parks. Oh the bliss of a corner shop.
So, despite my fears, it went ok today, but it does tire me out.
Buster, who knows about the wiring and chemicals of the brain? Maybe the late 'Stephen Hawking' could tell you, but that's too late now.
I know that most of us only use about a quarter of our brain.
And cats and dogs live in the present, unlike us.
That's a good point Buster about panicking in the most unexpected places, especially when you have encountered much worse situations.
Strangely enough, the Post Office has got me in that way too.
I think it's more to do with what is going through your head while you are standing there. A past trigger can also do this.
You have to busy yourself with looking around the shop or striking up a conversation with someone near you. It makes a huge difference.
I'm sitting here yawning as I type, but yawning is good, so I hear.
It is supposed to be the quickest and easiest way to calm down and is completely harmless to us. :) So next time you find yourself yawning your head off, think of it as a good thing.
Until next time.......
Well today I had what I call my 'space face'. :wacko:
You know that thing where you feel your face go all funny as if you were being launched into space by a rocket. And if it wasn't for the fact that I have had this over the last few years, it would be really freaking me out!
Why it happens? Who knows. It's one of those unexplainable things that happen for absolutely no valid reason. It's weird, its freaky and it's not wanted!
I feel extremely tired today. (Maybe that's the reason). I could hardly put one foot in front of other, but had to go out and did, but was counting the seconds until I returned home.
My body feels exhausted and my Mind is racing. I can't seem to get the two to balance in harmony. Yes, I did overdo things this week. Just the therapy session was enough on it's own. Practically 4 sessions in one. That, I will never do again.
I know I have to listen to my body and if it needs rest then that's what I have to do.
The thing is about anxiety is that it is so exhausting!
It's like running a marathon every day.
I can say that, because I have run marathons in the past and actually, it was easier.
It's not all bad news. I managed to stand in one spot in the phone shop for an hour and a half! I managed to go in to the intimidating Supermarket, had lunch out, waited for my partner in another superstore for another hour while he pondered over what socks to buy and went through every article in the reduced section. I found the courage to end my therapy, even though I am desperate for any help I can get.
I even drove the car down the road and back and that is a major task for me since my PTSD after my car crash.
No wonder I am tired.
Tiredness you can deal with. You rest, relax and recharge.
Not being able to live the life you want, now that's just crippling.
Never doubt that you do not have the strength or confidence to do anything you want to do. The mind and body have massive resilience.
Hey, 4 months ago, I'd taken to bed thinking that was it for me for next 3 months.
I have a angel calendar that I turn the page every day to read inspiring messages and this one I wanted to share with you.
'As you start each new day, say to yourself, "Each step of my way there is a protector by my side, holding my hand like a childhood friend". :)
It's these sort of messages that give me the courage to keep going.
I will leave it on that note for today..............
Big well done on getting back in the car I know you were really struggling with that one , I couldn't do without my van it gives me freedom and an escape , ok thanks roads are stressful but it's worth it to be able to get out and go places I've not seen before ok it's not the other side of the world but a change of scenery and faces is always good .
Take care space face .:D
:D I only drove a few hundred yards Buster. Still a long way to go in that department.
Well today I woke up late and being an hour short, I had to play catch up with my meals. I absolutely hate the hour change. It really messes with my stomach and my sleep. I spend a least week saying, "It's really this time". :huh:
The cat has do idea either. He wants feeding according to his body clock.
Last night I had the pleasure; NOT, of going to bed with muscle twitching.
In a particular area near my shoulder blade.
I've had so many muscle twitches over the past 4 years, that it doesn't particularly scare me any more, but it is annoying and the brain likes to tell me, "Hey, your body's twitching, you should take note, something might be wrong". "Shut up brain", I think. "I just want to sleep." Sometimes that works.
I have felt this overwhelming tiredness the last couple of days. (Had this before as well).
So, just to play safe, I had a 'do nothing' day. I don't mean do nothing at all. I mean no rushing here and there, no particular plans or chores, just go with the flow.
I have also noticed that I have my 'rice krispie' neck back. (That's my terminology for the sound my neck makes when I move it. You put milk on rice kripies and that's the sound it makes. Had it before and I am sure I will have it again. Could be tension, sleeping strangely or looking at the TV sideways.
Well, that's enough about me. :D
What tip can I can give you today?
Not to watch TV sideways!
No, I want to tell about a couple of walking tips that I have used and still use to help me when I am struggling to get around, particularly out in the big wide world.
If you get a bit panicky and want to feel grounded with your walking, as you take each stride, say to yourself, "heel, toe, heel, toe, heel toe"; obviously while you are walking and put the emphasis on the points of the feet. It does work and after a while you can stop the emphasis and just carry on walking.
And when you have to stand on one spot in a queue or chatting to someone and you feel you want to run. Stamp both feet hard down on the ground. Several times if you want. It tells your brain that you are going nowhere and it should help to keep you in that spot. If anyone looks strangely at you or makes a comment, just tell them you have pins and needles in your feet. They will believe that and probably tell you, "Oh, I get that too, its' so annoying isn't it?" :D
Until next time.........
I feel much better today after resting yesterday. :)
When anxiety is more apparent and you can't master up the energy to do anything, a rest is sometimes all you need to feel a bit better.
So, today I walked a whole 2 miles! :yesyes:
This is amazing considering I could barely get around the house 3 months ago.
On a good day, I want to get everything done, which is obviously the wrong thing to do, but you know when you are bad, everything gets neglected.
I've got my acid reflux back again and it woke me in the middle of the night.
Burning throat and funny taste in mouth. :scared15: I'd done so well with my diet and it seemed to settle, but I stupidly had a whole bar of chocolate last night in a moment of weakness and paid the price later. Damn. Why does it have to be chocolate? Why can't it be Brussels or broccoli? I never thought in a million years that chocolate would make me ill. I know it was that, because the rest of the food I had eaten that day was so boring. Chicken, cauliflower, carrots, potatoes, tuna sandwich and toast.
When I look back at what I used to eat and not too long ago.
McDonalds, Snickers, Kentucky Chicken, Twix Bars, Cream Cakes, Mars Bars, Fry-ups, Chinese food, Pizzas, Sticky Toffee Pudding...........
And now I can't eat one small measly bar of chocolate! :mad:
Despite that , I took myself off to play piano in a Care Home today.
No, I'm not that good, but I have been learning some classical pieces all by myself and actually played one of them today in public! From memory too.
I started this at the beginning of my relapse. I wanted to keep my mind occupied and learn something new. (The jigsaws were doing my eyes in).
It's good for the brain. It's good for your control. And it's good for your soul.
Well I did it and was quite chuffed with myself. :)
Ok, I did have piano lessons when I was about 8, but never took it any further.
I'm talking a long time ago and it was very short lived.
Never think you can't do something. If the 'Will' is there you can do almost anything you want. :)
That's my message for today. Learn something new. Something you really want to do.
Yes, you might have to take anxiety with you, but it can sit there and take a back seat for a change. You are the one in charge and while you rejuvenate your brain, anxiety can sulk in the corner.
You see, anxiety doesn't like being ignored. It wants you to worry and pay attention to it. It's very attention seeking and it might even try to distract you from what you are doing. Think of it as a naughty child. You are the parent so you need to take charge!. :)
Until next time............
Didn't do bad today......
Waited in a very crowded Post Office queue, sat still and quiet in the Library and walked a couple of miles. :)
My walking has improved massively. Still get the blurry eyed feeling occasionally, but mainly when I am tired. Definitely not so cautious when walking around the house and at times almost rushing; which is something I have to curtail.
Rushing brings on a hot flush, then I get panicky.
I am even managing to look people in the eyes when they speak to me, even though I am thinking inside, "they think I am ill, they are going to say something". Or, "I feel hot, I must looked flushed, they are going to make a comment".
And I always say I am fine when someone asks, I don't want any openings about a comment telling me I don't look too good.
You can calm the symptoms, but re-wiring the brain is another thing altogether.
It takes time and practice and basically a brand new routine of thinking.
Talking of that, I am in my final week of Mindfulness.
The last week is basically integrating all that you have learnt and using it in your every day life in a way that you are not taken over and turned in to a robotic being.
The hardest being the negative thoughts.
It's such a hard thing to do if you are a negative sort of person, so I am going to try my hardest to think positive things and outcomes.
Apparently if you wish for or picture good things happening, it is more likely to come true. So, I am going to think myself happy, safe and well. :)
I haven't done any 'tapping' recently, because I haven't needed it and I have stopped rushing outside when I have one of my flushes, I sit through it and I can tell you that rushing outside or away from your spot has no extra in calming down. It actually goes quicker if you just let it pass and carry on with the task in hand.
Same with adrenalin. I feel it in my legs and sometimes my feet.
My body wants to run, but you need to tell your brain there is no fear and stay!
Carry on with what you are doing. Yes, you might feel frightened, but what are doing at the time? Peeling potatoes, brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth?
Just say to yourself, "I'm ok, I need to get this task done and there is no fear with what I am doing".
So, until next time...........
You offer a lot of insight and positivity in your posts, Carnation. Enjoy reading your updates - a welcome distraction from the me me me doom-mongers :lac:
I agree, KK. You seem so much better, Carnation- I know you now have more time to yourself but I doubt whether I would have been able to do what you have done re improving your life in similar circumstances. I hate rushing around but find myself doing it a lot and it's horrible. Pacing yourself is so much more productive and cuts down on stress.
That's nice to hear Pulisa. x
Sometimes you can't see what other people see.
I certainly have a lot more time to myself now mum has gone and partner's mum is in a home, which I have to say was not his choice or mine, but fate took a hand in this. She went in to respite while we waited for a new Care Agency as the last one folded and that was 4 months ago! Now my partner has adjusted to his mum being in a home as her needs are far more demanding being almost 92 and unable to move and the best bit about all of this, is she likes it there. :)
It's an independent with only a small amount of rooms. She has entertainment every day, a film in the afternoon, great home cooking a view of a rugby pitch from the lounge and a resident cat.
It's strange because for weeks we were still getting up early thinking we had carer's duties and mistakenly buying in food for her and so on.
It takes a long time to realise that your time is your own and you are free to do what you like. We sat in every evening and then I suddenly realised that we could go out and I said to my partner, "You know we can go out now if we want?" "Oh yes we can, can't we?" he said. We had both got in to a rigid routine and being on call 24/7, that it didn't sink in for some time that we could do anything else.
Problem is that you get so used to doing nothing socially, that you rack your brain as to what to do anyway. Socially you get cut off, so you sort of have to start from scratch.
Pulisa, try not to have doubts about improving your life. You can, no matter how small or big if the opportunity arrives. The hardest task is knowing or finding what you actually want to improve and going about it. For a start, you deserve it! x
Early today with my blog.........
I used to rush around so much, which only made me more grumpy.
Even running from room to room like a crazy woman. (No pun intended there).
I wouldn't let anyone do anything, I had to do it all myself, but now Mr C shares the duties. Except for the cooking. He's a terrible cook. Can only cook things on toast or an omelette. Although he can do some mean mash potato now. :)
It's very hard to slow down or do one thing at a time when you have so many chores or people to care for. It is actually non-productive to be that way. For yourself and for the task in hand. It's that saying, 'Less Haste, more Speed'.
I sometimes find myself slipping and realise I am cooking the dinner, feeding the cat, making a cup of tea, loading the washing machine and washing the kitchen floor all at once and I go, "Whoa! Slow down, Stop! Poor brain can't handle this".
After what seems like a lifetime of juggling and stress, it's time to be Mindful and look after myself.
I have to say that the 'Mindfulness Course' was very helpful for me and my improvement has gone from 30% to 70%. Well, Rome was not built in a day or a six week course. See, we even want to rush getting better. :D
I think the Mindfulness during every day chores was the most rewarding and I still use this everyday with eating and getting ready in the morning.
These two things I always used to rush. I'm surprised I haven't got hairbrush scratches on my head with the severity of quick brushing in the morning. And teeth. You would have thought I was scrubbing a floor the way I used to brush my teeth. No wonder they bled. :scared15:
As I have said before, be gentle on yourself. Be the parent to your body and mind.
You gain much respect for yourself as well.
Until next time....
That list of what you used to eat made me hungry mmmmm , I think most people have to give up certain foods as they get older , onion , tomatoes , chocolate at night , caviar on toast .:D.
Now your time is your own again ( well most of it ) you seem to be going all out to get yourself better which is great and you know it's not a sprint , more cross country there will be ups and downs but your frame of mind seems a hell of a lot better than before hope it's catching .
Maybe one day you might have that little vintage / antiquey shop ( might have made that word up doesn't look right ? ) or vintage clothes .
Anyway carry on carrying on .:hugs:
Are you saying I am old Buster? :scared10: :D
Well you did mention your first car was steam powered :D
Ha ha :D
Worse than that. It was an Escort!
Ha ha :D
Worse than that. It was an Escort!
Not a Male Escort I hope?
Utter filth I say! :lac:
Ha ha KK77,
They didn't exist in my day as I am obviously too old!
Besides, I could think of better things to spend my money on. :D
Oh my, where does the time go?
And why am I always tired? :ohmy:
I wake up in the morning feeling like I have had no sleep and I am actually getting more hours these days. I don't understand it. I felt better when I was waking up every couple of hours. If I am being honest, I could stay in bed for an unlimited period of time, but is that anxiety doing that to me?
Muscle twitches were in force today. I'm preparing the dinner and there they go. Pulsating in my arm. Now, I used to drop everything, run away from what I was doing and think, "Why? Why is my arm twitching?"
But, today I just looked at my arm and said, "Yes, I know you are twitching and you need to stop, because all I am doing is peeling carrots and that is not dangerous or life threating". And it stopped and I carried on. :)
The thing is, when you are doing a task that is so robotic and mundane, the mind can wander and you may not be aware of it, but you are thinking of other things. Worries, stresses, past, future. It's not the carrot peeling, it's the mind that is wandering.
It will make no difference whatsoever if you run away or fret about where you are of what you are doing. It's the mind and NOT the task.
This is exactly why you are more likely to get muscle twitching, adrenalin rushes and many other anxiety symptoms when you are just sitting and relaxing.
Yes, you may think you are relaxing, but your mind isn't!
I actually drive my partner mad because I have the TV on in the sitting room, radio on the kitchen and bedroom and basically there is an audio nearly every where in the house. If I make a mental effort to listen to background noise, it stops me dwelling on past events or worrying about future events.
This is a great help if you can not control your bad thoughts or have negative feelings.
Muscle twitches hat like to scare you, but they are actually harmless. At least it proves you have muscles! :)
Palpations are another annoying irritation that tries to make you think horrid thoughts.
Firstly, your heart is beating which is a good thing and secondly, they actually stop if you tell it to stop. Honestly, no kidding. Have you tried it?
Also some palpations are a normal part of our everyday life.
Like bending over to put your boots on or pick things up from the floor.
And if you lay a certain way, you will hear your heart beating. That's normal, but anxiety sufferers magnify this in to something horrid.
Try as hard as it, to just carry on doing what you doing and each time you do this, it gets easier and easier.
It is only Fear, nothing nasty. :)
We are far too sensitive and on guard.
If your mind starts to wander, bring it straight back to the task in hand.
Say to yourself, "I am peeling the potatoes, making a sandwich, drinking a cup of tea!
Until next time......
A typical start to the Easter weekend. Rain!!!!!
Not to be beaten by the doom and gloom of the weather, I went out to a local indoor Fair today. Oh my. Crowds, queues, noise, pushing and shoving, big spaces.... :scared15:
But I stood my ground and spent a whole 4 hours in this place.
Yes, I wanted to run, yes, I wanted to hide, yes I felt sick, yes, my legs felt heavy and my mouth felt so dry it felt like I was pounding my way through a desert with no oasis in sight. And No, I was not going to let all of this defeat me.
I lifted my heavy legs and walked, smiled at people I don't even know, tried to look excited at being there and tried to be normal.
No-one seemed to notice my struggles, it was all felt inside. The writhing, the uncomfortable feelings and the gritting of my teeth.
Obviously I was exhausted by the time I got home, but very pleased I did it.
Even the Café was a challenge.
Queues, waiting while they make you a sandwich, no seats visible, a tray to carry and then to share a table with strange people that look as though they had been wound up by a key before they came out. :scared15: Then having to eat in front of them and try not look their way. And hot! So hot in there.
But no, I used my mindfulness tools, I stayed calm and got on with it. :)
Maybe I just don't want to do these sort of things in my life anymore.
It's a personal choice. The choice is, I can do it or not. And the point is having the freedom from anxiety to be able to if you want to. That's why I went. To challenge myself, to do what the flocking crowds of Easter do on their holidays. I was one of them and to them I was normal.
I have never really been a crowd follower. I'd always walk that extra bit on the beach to have peace and tranquillity. I'd wait weeks to see a film that I wanted to see rather than be squashed by another hundred odd people. If everyone travels on a Friday afternoon, I would wait for the flock to disappear and travel 6 hours later. :D You know the sort of thing.
Anyway, back to symptoms...
Crawly sensations on the body. Had this today and the first explanation for this would obviously be fear. It feels like some little puny insect is crawling over you, maybe even a few. Had this on my face today. Kept thinking something was on me and flicked my hand to find nothing there. This is the nerves. Nothing more and believe me it was quite understandable with my freaky day today. Other people might even describe it as a trickling sensation of water. It's just nerves and nothing to worry about. It goes away and you might not even get it again for a long time or ever again.
So, how did I get through my day today.
like I said I used my mindfulness tools, using the five senses of looking around the room at objects, making eye contact, some small chat, staying in the moment and not running away or staying glued to one spot.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy, because it is challenging, but the important thing to remember is that it is only fear that makes you feel uncomfortable, nothing else.
So until next time..........
What a miserable weekend, but not to dwell on it, I still ventured out today.
After the shock of seeing the population quadruple in the town, I still managed to get from A-B with minimal anxiety. :)
It would be nice to see some sun, but no, more rain and plenty of it.
Feels more like January than the end of March.
So, what today.....
Tummy flutters?
I can not express more how important it is not to go too long without eating something. Keep the stomach settled.
Did you know that if you feel sick, actually eating something calms that feeling.
I had the experience of a day trip to France quite a long time ago on a very choppy journey and as soon as we set off I felt so sick I had to sit on the floor in the toilet.
When I eventually returned to my colleagues who were all eating a fried breakfast.
They said, "Sit down and join us". "I can't face that" I said. "Trust us, if you eat something, it will settle your stomach and you feel sick because your stomach is empty". So, I reluctantly did, because I felt so bad, I would have tried anything to get rid of the feeling and do you know, it actually worked.
My point is you actually have to do what seems like the opposite of what you think you should do. Stomach iffy, gurgling, queasy, butterflies; eat something!
Now, the same thing applies to drinking. I mean water, tea, soft drinks; not alcohol.
Eyes feel a bit blurry, energy low, too hot, too cold, dry mouth?
Anxiety is proven to make us more dehydrated than normal and it can be a case of more fluids are needed. I'm not saying that all anxiety symptoms will disappear after a bite to eat and bottle of water, but it will definitely help and make you feel better.
The rule of thumb is a drink every 2 hours and to eat every 4 hours.
Think about it, that's why a working day was programmed to have a tea break at 11am, lunch at 1pm, tea break at 3pm and after work it is up to you.
These were the designed laws of the original working day.
Unfortunately in today's society people are expected to eat there breakfast on their way to work, miss they morning break, grab lunch as you shop and do other things in your lunch hour, (If you get one). And then you might be bribed with missing your afternoon break by saying you can leave ten minutes early to beat the traffic home.
This is all wrong, but it is reality today. No wonder we have a grumpy population.
Speaking of 'grumpy', which is something I try not to be, but fail on a daily basis.
So, I am trying to practice smiling in the mirror and laughing without cause.
This is difficult and feels silly, but it I am doing it to feed the right chemicals in to my brain. Depression is linked to anxiety and although I am not clinically diagnosed with depression, but get down days, it is something I would try to change my overall demeanour. If you can find something funny on TV to watch, then that's even better or read something that will make you laugh or anything else you can think of.
With the Media constantly bringing us bad news and constant depressing adverts, let alone the daily stresses of life, it is important to find different outlets of nicer things to give us joy. :D
to be continued..........
Hi there , just caught up again , I'm the same with background noise , wake up tv on , walk to van , radio on ( or MP3 now I've caught up with the twentieth century :D) get to lock up , radio on ( digital how modern ) sometimes walk with the MP3 , back home tv on , get on my exercise bike , tv on subtitles and MP3 with big headphones, Do you think maybe we are trying to avoid ourselves , my mind never stops overthinking would it be nice to just think of sweet FA .
Well done on getting out and about , four hours in a crowded place and you didn't run or feel the need to kill anyone that's a major accomplishment, the general public are pretty annoying at the best of times .
I walked to the top of high hill yesterday that looks over my town and the old rail sidings ( soon to be hs2 ) haven't been up there for long time because of getting out of breath and my brain saying " turn back or you'll die " I got to the top and stood right on the edge with the dogs , it's quite a drop but I didn't wobble or feel anxous and I didn't get the intrusive thoughts to jump , for the first time in ages I was in the moment just taking it in .
Heard this song and it's definitely not my usual but who cares , thought of what you've been through and think it fits the bill , its upbeat and the lyrics were wrote after a loss , shame it's Gary Barlow , Let me go .:D
Urgh! Not Gary Barlow, please. I deserve better than that Buster. :D
Well done you for your accomplishment. :) It's all about staying in the moment.
Go on embrace the Barlow let him into your life he is the chosen one :D, what about Blondie Atomic ? My daughter filmed me singing this while driving and showed it to all her freinds surprisingly they said they wanted me to be there dad :roflmao: or Aerosmith Dream on , my musical taste has no rhyme or reason anymore I'm blaming it on mental illness.
Sat at the table today with grandson and granddaughter waiting for dinner , grandson ( 3 ) gets his knife and fork taps them together and goes " A one two a one two three four " and bursts into we will rock you , I nearly wet myself , then to top that granddaughter (7) goes " grandad do you know my dad cut his nuts open on a barbed wire fence ?" I did know but didn't really want to hear about it before dinner .
Hope you had a good day :D
Do you ever get days when your body moves and your head stays one pace behind?
Well, today was one of those days for me. :wacko:
Look, there is no point in telling you I feel perfect every day, that would be giving you false information.
Whether I have over done things, pushed myself too far too soon or just having one of those off days. But, today was definitely a struggle for me.
I used my usual tools; staying in the moment, keeping focused and even did a bit of 'tapping', but I still struggled with anxiety.
I always like to find the reason for a bad day. Not enough sleep? A worry at the back of my mind? Too much sugar, not enough sugar? Fear!?
Maybe it is not the right thing to do, but the brain needs a diagnosis; always!
I had trouble walking, like I said, my head seemed slightly detached from my body. When I stood still I felt heavy and glued to the floor and then frightened to move away. My eyes seemed out of focus, I was cold, which is unusual for me, my stomach felt funny and if I moved about I felt unsteady.
Saying all that, I still went out, did some shopping, visited my neighbour and got through my daily chores. None of the people I met noticed anything strange about me or made any comment. These feelings come from inside of me!
Now, I know from experience that as you improve and feel better, you can in fact slip back and have a bad day. This is quite common. It's annoying to say the least when you think you've nipped the beast in to oblivion, but it's not the end of the world.
I know am carrying quite a lot of adrenalin, because I can feel it my legs and I haven't been able to do my usual walks due to the shitty weather.
I always feel better after a good walk and I know of many anxiety sufferers that get addicted to exercise and running, because it helps the levels of serotonin.
To make matters worse, everyone I seem to bump in to is ill or had just been ill, which sets off the worry thoughts of catching something. :ohmy:
This continuing winter climate is no help whatsoever for the feeling good mode.
Each time the forecast tells us of Spring is just around the corner, it rains for hell leather or some beastly wind arrives or even more snow. :(
I don't mean to be negative, but let's face it, life can not be running through the daffodils with sun on your face every day. (Although, we are told this by the weather forecasters that this approaching us very soon).
But..........and a big BUT,
I have noticed a change in my attitude towards fear.
Take today, not a great day, but one of my fears is carrying shopping that is far too heavy for fear of having a heart attack or strain on my lungs.
It might sound ridiculous, but it is a reappearing thought I have, to not take any chances in overstraining.
There is another angle to this, that might make more sense to my fear of this.
I suffered a mild stroke quite a few years ago; actually 14 years ago after lifting something extremely heavy, actually excruciatingly heavy, because I don't want anyone thinking they can not lift anything heavy ever again. It was a pool table. :scared15:
So this is why I have a fear of lifting or carrying anything heavy.
Well, today I grabbed a bag from my partner, because he wanted to do something and it was ladled with a lot of heavy stuff. My partner knows my fear and said to me, "It's heavy, are you sure?" I replied, "I am not going to die from holding a shopping bag!" OMG, what did I just say. A positive comment and breaking one of my fears.
I kid you not, I will spend 4 times longer than needed putting shopping away to avoid handling any heavy items.
It's like driving a car after an accident, which happens to be another one of my fears and a massive one. This is something I want and need to overcome in time.
Just because I was involved in a car accident, doesn't mean it is going to happen to me again; especially every day!
Overcoming fear and phobias is a HUGE benefit to overcoming anxiety.
Phobias are fear and if you have enough of those to keep you going on a daily basis, then you will be living in fear every day.
So my task now is to overcome my phobias. :wacko:
Until next time...........
Senior Moment
02-04-18, 10:32
Hi Carnation. I am still enjoying reading your daily posts and could particularly empathise with yesterday. I have been having some really good days, doing things I haven't done for a long time and thinking more positively, and hey-ho out of the blue comes a day when I can't seem to walk in a straight line without toppling over, vision problems, head pressure, the damn lot !!! I then find it very difficult to get my headspace back into thinking positively again. I seem to go back to thinking I will never crack this anxiety. It's so frustrating and depressing. Oh well, today is another day, so onwards and upwards. Take care SM x
Im not sure if you experience this but what you describe sounds like depersonalisation ( I might be stating the bloody obvious) I get this a lot walking along like I'm on someone else's back , my limbs don't really belong to me , then a little panic sets in and everything becomes hard work , heavy limbs breathing becomes harder which in turn reduces oxygen to the muscles and it makes it even harder , my mouth is always a step in front of my brain as well but that's a different storey .
You also do what I do over analysing everything why am I feeling this way must be a reason but sometimes there is no reason and questioning it just makes it more of a problem .
One thing I do know is trying too hard to be in the moment takes you out of the moment if that makes sence , if im feeling spaced out and weird doing something you have to concentrate on brings you back into the now .
Lifting and carrying is an issue with me as well , if I need to move something heavy I've already overthought it before I start and doomed myself , getting out of breath and not getting it back is my fear so starting to get out of breath sets in the panic , if I just have to do something on the spur of the moment I'm usually ok .
Turning into a bit of a cuckoo sneaking into other people's threads while they are out I really need to stop that , 4000+ views so people are reading .
Take care :)
Hi Carnation. I am still enjoying reading your daily posts and could particularly empathise with yesterday. I have been having some really good days, doing things I haven't done for a long time and thinking more positively, and hey-ho out of the blue comes a day when I can't seem to walk in a straight line without toppling over, vision problems, head pressure, the damn lot !!! I then find it very difficult to get my headspace back into thinking positively again. I seem to go back to thinking I will never crack this anxiety. It's so frustrating and depressing. Oh well, today is another day, so onwards and upwards. Take care SM x
SM, first and foremost, one of these is needed :hugs:
I am pleased you are having some joy with my posts, if nothing else to compare notes! :) When you read of a similarity in a symptom, it is comforting to know you are not the only one and can prevent you from thinking it might be something worse.
These symptoms can make you feel very angry at times and it IS the anger that sometimes gets me through the day. Other days it could be tears, but whatever it is, we need to find ways of coping. x
Im not sure if you experience this but what you describe sounds like depersonalisation ( I might be stating the bloody obvious) I get this a lot walking along like I'm on someone else's back , my limbs don't really belong to me , then a little panic sets in and everything becomes hard work , heavy limbs breathing becomes harder which in turn reduces oxygen to the muscles and it makes it even harder , my mouth is always a step in front of my brain as well but that's a different storey .
You also do what I do over analysing everything why am I feeling this way must be a reason but sometimes there is no reason and questioning it just makes it more of a problem .
One thing I do know is trying too hard to be in the moment takes you out of the moment if that makes sence , if im feeling spaced out and weird doing something you have to concentrate on brings you back into the now .
Lifting and carrying is an issue with me as well , if I need to move something heavy I've already overthought it before I start and doomed myself , getting out of breath and not getting it back is my fear so starting to get out of breath sets in the panic , if I just have to do something on the spur of the moment I'm usually ok .
Turning into a bit of a cuckoo sneaking into other people's threads while they are out I really need to stop that , 4000+ views so people are reading .
Take care :smile:
Buster, I hear what you are saying about depersonalisation and I have had that a few times, the worst being when I had my original breakdown. You could be right in some instances, but I am leaning more towards an off day. For me when I had depersonalisation, I felt detached from the world and everything in it and had problems with even recognising myself in the mirror.
However, I recognise particularly a symptom you mentioned, which is the mouth/brain, which happens to me from time to time.
Various forms of not being able to communicate normally.
I will go to say something and the words could be back to front or in the wrong order.
Or I will go to speak and there will no voice! :scared15:
Or I will say something completely and utterly stupid.
Then there is the one where I will repeat what the other person has just said, just for the hell of it.
I have also had a choking fit when speaking and hot flushes when in conversation.
I put this down to social anxiety and basically being nervous.
Buster, a big strapping lad like you? :D Worried about lifting heavy stuff?
I know, you are a softie inside.
Seriously, lifting normal day to day stuff should have no affect on your breathing.
The breathlessness is actually how you have said it, "breathing becomes harder which in turn reduces oxygen ", through panicking!
---------- Post added at 15:17 ---------- Previous post was at 15:09 ----------
Just to add to that, as my post got posted before I had finished!!!:mad:s
I was going to mention that some of the Mindfulness tell you to lift heavy items as part of the course.
It's just a 'Pool Table' is particularly a heavy item for a woman to lift up from the floor, not knowing I had a whole in my heart as well. :ohmy:
And if you ask, "Why on earth was I doing that in the first place?"
Well, we were running a pub at the time and I was too impatient to wait my for partner to do it and paid the price for doing it myself. Certainly taught me a lesson!
So, please don't think you are going to die every time you do any lifting. :hugs:
Yeah, 4000+ readers. Wow, who would have thought it? :D
---------- Post added at 15:50 ---------- Previous post was at 15:17 ----------
I am writing my blog a little earlier today in case I forget the stuff that's sitting inside my unpredictable brain! :)
I will start by telling you that yesterday was just a an 'Off Day', which I am obviously very pleased about. Despite having a stressful morning because my internet was down on my phone and computer, but was strangely working on my partners. I was very concerned that it might have been something serious.
Anyway, it is fixed and I can now get on with what I want to do.
I even managed a very long soak in the bath, but had to get out eventually as my white legs had turned bright red and my skin was starting to wrinkle! :)
I am going out on a limb here to say that yesterday was too do with tiredness.
Being tired with anxiety is not necessarily a physical thing, although it will affect the body. But my brain was tired and that would probably explain why it was a pace behind my physical movements. :D
So if you feel this happen to you one day, just tell yourself, "It's not such a good day today, but I will feel better tomorrow". :)
I also want to tell you about my TV viewing.
I have started watching, 'Would I lie to You?'. (They run a stack of repeats on one of those many extra stations we get on our TV.
I finding it very good for my Anxiety. Yes, 'IT' enjoys it too.
Well, if it's going to hang around with me, it might as well be occupied like a naughty child. :D
This programme is good for me for many reasons.
1. It is company, because they are chatting as if in your room.
2. It is funny, so it makes me feel better.
3. You can play along with the guessing, which is good for keeping your mind occupied.
4. 'Lee Mack' keeps getting hot flushes and doesn't flinch, which makes me feel better about myself. :) (Apologies to 'Lee Mack' if he should read this, I think he is great!).
So, if you can find programmes like this on TV, it's surely got to be better than watching someone dying an explicitly long death in a film or listening to actors/actresses shouting at each other in a Soap or the dreary news and weather reports.
My 'Tip' for the day is Singing!!!
If you feel out of breath, panicky, or think something bad is going to happen to you.
Try singing a song, anything at all.
Why? Because if you are singing, you can't be out of breath or having a heart attack and it strangely relieves Anxiety and Panic and feeds good levels of happiness in to what feels like our uncontrollable brain.
On that note :)
'til next time........
Did you put on the red cape before you picked up the pool table off the small trapped child :D we are bloody idiots for lifting way too heavy things that's why I've worn out my discs in my back , didn't think body parts wore out until your seventies at least , we used to turn cars over in scrap yards with just three people and brute force nearly ended up under one like a rat trap when two guys let go , it's not shopping bags and alike that scare me it's getting motorbikes in my van alone or overloaded boxes , I will never learn .
Singing is a good one for driving anxiety I just sing my head off in traffic around the city people must pee themselves but who cares I don't know them , another one I do when out walking when the breathlessness and panic sets in is to say " this exercise is going to do me good " in one breath , I read if you can say that in one go you are not that out of breath .
Bob Mortimer is the best on Would I lie to you , his stories are so bizarre and usually true , he plays the fool but he's no idiot there is a lot more to him than meets the eye ( I googled him I do that a lot )
Have a good one tomorrow, cuckoooo :D
I agree with you about Bob Mortimer. I never realised he was so funny. :D
The one about him doing his own dentistry had me on the floor with fits of laughter.
Ha ha, I guess you are referring to my 'Wonder Woman' moments.
No saving lives that time. :blush:
It was a case of, "Excuse me Miss, my ball's got stuck in the pocket", and don't take that the wrong way! (Always happening with pool tables).:D
Blimey! I'll have to down more cans of spinach to contend with you, Carnation!:D
I find the most frustrating thing is that my anxiety voice in my head really wants to trip me up and make me think about my worst fears even when I am doing ok. Even in that bloody scanner my thoughts were "you can't breathe, can you?"/ "you need to move,don't you?". I rode it out but I hate it when you work against yourself in these situations-almost as if you are asking for trouble because that is what is going to happen. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that...I find the same thing when I'm driving or in significant meetings when I can't cock things up but my brain wants me to..
Cue men in white coats...?
Bob was actually a solicitor before he met Vic reeves now Jim Moir , he was great on taskmaster , he's one of those people seems to be on a different wave length to everyone else . Had a feeling you'd just be retrieving a stuck white ball with the technical method of the lift and drop technique, lift , drop , clunk , roll , listen and clunk out it drops , sounds of a misspent youth .
Pulisa I know you don't mean it literally but anxiety does sometimes trip me up , heavy clumsy feet and weak legs don't make good for walking on uneven ground , I think god soon I'm going to stumble then there it is trip . I bet there are times you want to take a red pen to my posts and correct the speling and punktuation right ? Can't teach an old dog new tricks :D hope you are ok today .
There simply aren't enough hours in a man's day to do all the things you women get through. I have to sit down with a coffee and rest after just reading it :wacko:
The thing is, when you are doing a task that is so robotic and mundane, the mind can wander and you may not be aware of it, but you are thinking of other things. Worries, stresses, past, future. It's not the carrot peeling, it's the mind that is wandering.
It will make no difference whatsoever if you run away or fret about where you are of what you are doing. It's the mind and NOT the task.
This is exactly why you are more likely to get muscle twitching, adrenalin rushes and many other anxiety symptoms when you are just sitting and relaxing.
Yes, you may think you are relaxing, but your mind isn't!
I can really relate to the above. I find my mind traversing the universe and back...all manner of past memories - usually unpleasant ones - trying to wind me up anew. "How did you let them get away with doing/saying that!" "Why didn't you act differently?" "Why didn't you speak up?" So by the time I've finished the dishes, I'm looking for a punchbag.
Usually I make do with sitting down with another coffee :shades:
So you actually wash up, KK? I am impressed and you deserve your caffeine fix!
Pulisa, You are far braver than me. A Scanner!!! :scared15: I'd be kicking and punching like a baby, let alone screaming the place down. Can't bare confined spaces and the white coat brigade. Actually, you'd be surprised that a Pool table is not too heavy to lift up; it's the keeping it up that requires extra strength. In my case through anger that my partner was elbow on bar chatting and ignoring my plea for help and I just got stupid and thought, "bugger it, I'll do it myself". :D
Buster, I am the worst for spelling mistakes and half the time it's because I am too impatient to check before posting. With that and predictive text, I have no hope. :D
KK77, I am also impressed you 'do the dishes'. Don't they have a machine that does that now?:) And sounds like you drink to much coffee? If I did, I would be running around the garden as if in a Flower/Power state.
So today was let's say a trying day. Not tiring, TRYING!
My dad used to use that terminology and it sounds less negative than a bad day.
I'm not talking about Anxiety stuff, I am talking about life stresses.
However, they don't do the anxiety any good and considering, I coped pretty well.
There is many a time that I look at the untouched bottles of wine and could easily grab one and divulge, but I know that's not the answer and in turn, could make me worse.
Why are there so many stresses with life today?
Everything seems to breakdown, stuff is made only to last about a couple of years and for some strange reason, ITV3 has disappeared from my TV.
There's a drip in the bathroom which drives me insane throughout the night and the birds are waking me up far too early in the morning. Yeah, they are a joy to watch during the day, but for a little beak they sure can throw out a piercing trill.
It's funny how I use the bird's song for my meditation, but can stress me as well. :huh:
Does anyone look at themselves in the mirror in the morning and hope they see a fresh and youth looking reflection with a glowing look of health, but see a vision of what looks like no sleep and, dark circles, puffy eyes and dull looking skin?
How long does one have to sleep to get a radiant look without getting pregnant?
I know vitamin D can help with this as well as a sun tan, but as the months have passed us in winter mode, it seems to show in my face. :scared15:
The thing that is pestering me at the moment is the adrenalin filled legs.
It feels like I am wearing running taps strapped to each leg.
I do that; acknowledge, understand and carry on bit, but it's still unnerving.
And I must remember not to keep looking at the ground when I am walking.
I preach, but I forget to do it myself. Head hanging low, staring at my legs and then not realising I've bumped in to somebody or worse still, not seeing a car when crossing the road.
I also lost my temper with somebody today, which is something I rarely do.
I try avoid confrontation and normally walk away.
I also worry that an outburst will lead to yet more symptoms and my poor nerves shattered even more.
I've read conflicting advice about anger. Some say to release any anger as it is not good to store inside of you and others that say it is best not to get angry and try to see the funny side. Easy to say.
With one therapist I was told to get a cushion and pillow and punch it with all the anger I had. Then another was to put down anger stuff o paper and burn it and another was to just toss it aside and put it in imaginary box to be shut and never opened again. I can't say which one is the right one, but we all have anger.
Anger with stress, disappointment, people, gadgets and especially with Anxiety.
Now that's where it sometimes works for me. Getting angry with anxiety, when it gets to the point where I am fumbling, staggering and blubbering a load of rubbish, I get angry with it and shout something like, "Oh, for God's sake, beep, beep, beep!***!
So, I suppose anger can have it's moments, but like everything, in moderation.
They say with stress that it can take 4 times as long to calm down.
My, is there enough time in the day? No wonder we are messed up.
Until next time.........
Carnation swearing is excellent therapy it should be on the NHS , when I get frustrated with my brain messing things up it's usually "for fu£ks sake will yiu just fu&k off " but magic would probably put it better .:D
Had a couple of lousy days , virtually no sleep and then tired all day long , today I've bought some cbd oil , I've not got a lot to lose right now so I'll let you know how that goes , if you don't hear anything then it didn't go well and I'll be in broadmore ( what do ya mean good ?):D
Take care.:hugs:
Another 'Trying Day' for me..........:ohmy:
And.........
My partner who also suffers with anxiety, but in a different form to me, had what he calls 'poison coming out of his skin'. Not literally poison of course, that is his terminology for the red blotches that suddenly appear all over his body when he gets over stressed. At least he knows what it is and why it occurs.
He was like this because he had found out by way of post that his mum had an mental assessment without him being present. :mad:
The Social Services are fond of doing this. Why? I have no idea, but Mr C was raging all over the house this morning and then the red blotches came out.
The human body can react in the most strangest of ways under stress and worry.
It is actually it's way of coping and releasing anything bad.
I woke up this morning far too early and couldn't get back to sleep.
My Mind was whirling around with worry, worry, worry!
Unfortunately my Mindfulness techniques didn't work very well as soon as I became in the present, I was back in the past seconds later, so I eventually gave up and left my Mind to run riot. I was just too tired to fight it. :wacko:
I had a 'couldn't be bothered' day today.
I hate these days, because I have to push myself to do just the basics in the day and then I feel I have wasted my day and then feel lazy and pathetic.
No, I am not pathetic, I am worthy!
That's one of the things you say to yourself when you are 'tapping'.
I even felt I couldn't do that as my head felt delicate and at one point I imagined my brain was burning! :scared15: How could it be burning, like some sort of combustion moment?
Think I watched to many horror movies in my youth.
It's quite amazing what you can imagine with anxiety. Like a real life nightmare.
I always had a vivid imagination as a child and used to imagine faces in my bedroom curtains and a monster under my bed.
Now, I just think everything could kill me from eating eggs, (my phobia), to catching every disease. I have become so intent on survival and keeping safe, that I am aware of any small detail that could infect me or end my life.
Health Anxiety is a hard one to overcome.
Even if you get the all clear from the Doc, within a few months/weeks/days, you start thinking and obsessing again about what might be wrong with you or what could kill you. It's like an M.O.T. 100% for that day and as the year goes on, you start to fret whether it will pass again.
I hate living my life like this and I do my upmost to try and just live and not worry, but as soon as I hear of some illness someone has got or a pain in the body; Bang! Here we go again.
Then I look at my partner's mum who is 92, nothing wrong with her and enjoying life with her good sense of humour despite being stuck in a wheelchair or bed.
Maybe that's the answer. Humour. They say that laughing, smiling and playing like a child keeps you young and healthy.
Maybe that's why Bob Hope lived to 100! Cracking jokes and playing golf. :D
Why is it so hard to control the Mind. Have you ever realised how much stuff runs through your brain when you are making dinner, having a bath or lying in bed.
If you count a day's worth of thoughts and worries, it would run in to hundreds!
So, this is why meditation is very good at giving your brain a rest. We rest our bodies, but not our brains.
I really can't recommend it enough. And if you have never done it before and think it be a bit weird or strange, it can be as simple as just sitting and listening to the birds whistling as you breath gently in and out.
There's so many great apps you can follow online.
Until next time............
---------- Post added at 21:53 ---------- Previous post was at 21:47 ----------
Hi Buster, I had to look up CBD Oil; never heard of it before.
I hope you bought it from a trustworthy source and not from some dodgy Chinese supplier. I know you like a bargain, but this is not something you want to get on the cheap. :huh: Hope to hear from you tomorrow.........
at one point I imagined my brain was burning! :scared15: How could it be burning, like some sort of combustion moment?
Think I watched to many horror movies in my youth.
Never say NEVER! http://www.myemoticons.com/emoticons/images/msn/our-favourite/flaming.gif
I certainly don't KK. :wacko:
Got the cbd oil from a bloke called dodgy Dave in the nags head car park but he had an honest face so it should be ok :D I'd never heard of it two weeks ago but a mate told me his Mrs takes it and it works wonders or at least she thinks it does same thing really, looked into it and there are loads of positive reviews, it's not illegal like anything with thc in it , I need to be in the right state of mind before I try it or I'll just panic and imagine it's making me worse , the attitude of I'll try anything once is what got me in this mess so maybe it's the way out as well .
I got it from holland and barratt really and she said they sell about 100 bottles a week and run out every week , I wouldn't chance the stuff they have on fleabay could be anything.
Take care .:)
A better day today, despite not having a good night's sleep again!
For some reason, I am waking up about 6.30am and can not get back to sleep again.
Once awake, I lie there worrying about so much that I end up trying to suffocate my brain with my pillow. :wacko:
Then as soon as I get up, I am the obsessing about how tired and pale I look and then think I have to go at snail's pace all day in case I faint from lack of sleep.
The thoughts and worries just go on and on.......
Eventually I ventured out. I had planned to go to a 'Secret Sale' this afternoon, which is an event that consists of goods that are sold at slashed prices, normally old season stock or soiled goods. This was being held at a local hall and I have to say that I was nervous about going anyway. Firstly, because I was tired and secondly because I was venturing in to the unknown.
Well, I've never known anything like it. When we arrived at the venue, there was a queue that trailed all the way down the street as if there was a new release of yet another 'Harry Potter' book. Obviously no where to park, so we had to park about a quarter of a mile away from the place. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise as by the time we walked back, the queue had disappeared and we could just go straight in. Queuing is something I just don't do.
On entering the venue I could see a massive crowd in front of me, which filled the hall to it's rafters. My God, it looked like Primark on the first day of opening.
Not to be deterred, I made my way to try and get in, because remember, I am trying to face my phobias and fears.
It was awful. Pushing, shoving, poking. Stabbed 4 times by a coat hanger, toes were crushed by stranger's feet and ladies handbags shoved in my face.
I don't have to tell you that I wanted to get out, a good reason would be that I couldn't get in!
So, I stood by the doorway and just watched the vultures at work.
This was a great test for my anxiety and panic. There must have been about 200 hundred people there and there was little me venturing in to this amazon of monsters.
I got in, didn't quite know what to do, so pretended to look interested in the goods.
Something must have clicked in my brain, because I quickly became like these people and started to pick up bargains with glee and joined in the fiasco.
I am not a fan of shopping and this was a test for me in more ways than one, but I was feeling very proud of getting this far.
When I looked back at the exit, which is normally a cue to run, I didn't, I stayed. For a full 2 hours! There was a queue for the till about 50 people long and in the distance I heard a lady shout out, "I've got to get out of here, I suffer with Panic attacks"!
I rushed over to her and touched her arm and said, "So do I and we should both be proud that we are in here at all" She smiled and we started chatting, totally unaware of anyone else in the room.
So that was my proud moment today. :)
So when I read that overcoming anxiety is by facing your fears and phobias, I certainly believed it today. :yesyes:
Until next time............
---------- Post added at 22:55 ---------- Previous post was at 22:51 ----------
Buster, did you get the 'Buy one and get the second one half price?' Or even better, a penny? Or is it, 'Buy three and get one free'? :D
I must admit that I steer well clear of all sales and events where intrepid shoppers will gather-there is something about sales which bring out the worst in people ie stampedes and chaos!:D You did very well to survive intact, Carnation! Did you manage to bag a few bargains yourself?
I hate clothes shopping for myself and have to be in the right mood to be able to choose anything. I'll have to steel myself soon and get a few basics for Summer but will choose a quiet time and do it as quickly as possible!
Well done on hanging around at the sale , I've seen quite a few fights breakout at sales , men and women , once saw two men arguing over an old camera one picked it up and smashed it in the others face and ran off , maybe your sales are a bit more tame , it definitely does bring out the very worst in people, greed and anger but then we all like a bargain :D.
Pulisa what's not to like about clothes shopping ? Standing in a well lit white box surrounded by mirrors to show you how you've let yourself go in detail , then having the walk of shame as you exit the box and hang up the jeans that were to small walking past the 17 year skinny assistant, straight to the cake shop .:D
Carnation you should be so proud of yourself!! That must have been very tough and yet you stayed and for 2 hours too :yesyes: And fancy you meeting that other woman. I wonder how many others were in there too who suffer the same but didn't feel up to stepping forward?
Pulisa, I don't know what possessed me to go in the first place really.
But, if I wanted to put my anxiety to the test, it certainly did that!
Mr C got a pair of trousers for £5 and I got one of those Country hats, (old man's cap), for a fiver too. So, was it worth it? NO! But, worth it to help my phobias.
Buster, there were no fights, but quite a bit of shoving and pushing.
It was more of a 'middle class' type of sale. Although I hate the class thing.
I agree with my late dad's saying; 'If you have to work, then you are working class'.
If I had my way, I would do away with the class thing altogether.
We all wear the same skin and start and end at the same place. :D
So, waking this morning after a good 8 hours sleep :yesyes: and feeling a bit battered from yesterday's stampede. I was ready to face a new day.
I forgot to mention that my acid reflux has been a lot better recently after my diet change, which actually allowed me to indulge in some fish and chips tonight. :)
Another bloody queue, but got chatting to a woman in the queue and didn't run away or look at the floor as I usually do, so the time went much quicker.
Adrenalin has calmed down today, a few flushes, walking was good, focus was good, so generally not a bad day from anxiety.
The nagging thoughts of worry and past events is the thing that haunts me the most.
Worries of the future and trying to stay in the present, definitely need some work.
I'm not expecting this to be cured quickly. A lifetime of events and ongoing stresses, could take some serious re-wiring and re-thinking.
The trouble is, the brain gets lazy and we operate mostly on auto pilot.
Have you ever been in the kitchen and put something in the fridge that doesn't belong there or switched the kettle on with no water in it, mislaid your keys which was only a hour ago or taken a wrong turn because you go there so much, but didn't mean to this time?
Even with eating. We fork stuff in to our mouths, forget to chew properly and then you have choking fits and wonder why.
We need to exercise our brains like our bodies. We need to be aware of what we are doing, not in a robotic state, but an alert state. This prevents our subconscious minds from jumping in reminding us of a conversation we had with someone yesterday, or thinking about a driver that annoyed us when they wouldn't let us out or forgetting the bread that we went out for.
Lists! Are brilliant. Relieve the brain and unclog it by writing lists.
Not just for shopping, anything that will help the brain relax a bit.
Get a board on the wall for any appointments or mark the diary on your phone.
Lists for chores, goals, reminders for relaxation time, what programmes you want to watch. Lists are a godsend. :)
Until next time............
---------- Post added at 23:39 ---------- Previous post was at 23:33 ----------
Hi fishman65 :)
Sheer amazement on my part.
I am hoping to meet up with the lady I met, so something good came out of it too.
I had a busy day today, which included an invitation to a neighbour's house to meet with other neighbours for tea. This was a concern for me as I had turned down three past invitations to go because of social anxiety; basically making a fool of myself and wanting to run away or saying something stupid because of getting tongue tied.
This time I went. After the pleasantries of saying, "hello, hello, hello, nice to meet you" and so on, I grabbed the chair nearest to me. I was handed a cup of tea which I couldn't put down anywhere so had to do my hardest to keep it steady in my hand. Then I was handed some cake, so now both hands were in a balancing act with no room to either drink the tea or eat the cake. After a lot of fumbling, I managed to put the tea on the cake plate and rest it on my lap. And this is all in the first 5 minutes of being there.
Now for the small chat. Not my forte at all. I know, the weather. That killed all of 2 minutes, so I start looking around the room at the objects in the house. There were ten of us in the house, so it was quite daunting for me. There were several conversations going on between them all and because I was not involved in any of them, I started to fidget. I felt like Kenny Everett and kept crossing my legs from one to the other. Then I was caught off guard and someone asked me a question. It was like being back at school when you were not paying attention.
I have to be honest, I found it extremely hard to pay attention to what was going on, keep still, not say anything stupid and not run. I was even thinking the tea and the sugar rush from the cake would give me an adrenalin rush and make me worse, but I drank and eat it all. Remember, I am facing my phobias.
About an hour and half later, someone was making a move to leave and there was my cue. "Thank God", I thought. Relief at last. I can't say I enjoyed it tremendously, but I felt a bit more normal and I achieved my goal of sitting it out. So, I am chuffed with myself. :)
An event like this can make you feel totally drained. Like you have been on a 'all night rave.' (Not that I have been on a 'all night rave', but can imagine the feeling).
It's so exhausting; mentally and physically.
I've got to say that my head felt woozy today, like I've downed half a bottle of wine before venturing out. It's funny how I feel like this and others can't detect it. :shrug:
I feel as if I am staggering and swaying and my eyes are going their separate ways.
The thought of falling or passing out enters my head, but I always manage to get to my destination, mainly through sheer determination and perseverance.
I woke with palpations this morning. You know that thumping of the heart beat in your ears. Even rubbing my ears and sticking my fingers in them doesn't alter the sound, but it does go away in it's own time. This is the feeling you sometimes get when you lean forward or put your head down, but today I was upright and not doing anything at all. My logic has put this down to my sinuses. That's what I am going to stick with, otherwise I start to panic.
No hot flushes today, even though the house had a roaring log fire going in the room and on the hottest day of the year so far. My eyes must have been like saucers when I clocked the heat flaming in to the room as I walked in.
Muscles have been twitching and in the most unexplainable regions.
Dare I say, the bum? :ohmy: Why on earth there? Don't think I want to know the answer to that one anyway. Normally I get them around the torso area, so this is a new one for me.
Tomorrow, I have yet another engagement. We are taking our neighbour for a Sunday Roast with a half an hour drive each way and to a place I have never bee before. :scared15:
I could quite easily just stay in bed and just grab a sandwich, but I've changed this arrangement a couple of times already, so best get it over with.
Terrible to think like this, but it is the truth. I'm not the woman I use to be.
If this goes well, I going to give myself a well deserved pat on the back; if that is possible? :D
So, until tomorrow...........
Carnation, I could feel every second in your description of the neighbours meeting. In situations like that we tend to hold on for dear life and hope the time flies, usually it drags. I'm really impressed with your managing to sit through until the end, I don't think I could have. No wonder you were exhausted. Award yourself a medal :hugs:
Thank you fishman. :hugs:
I couldn't have done it either! AND you're up for second helpings today with the Sunday lunch!!
I really hope it goes well-no reason why it shouldn't with your amazing progress! x
The scene you describe reminds me of keeping up appearances if you ever watched it Hyacinth Buckets neighbour not wanting to go round for fear of spilling her tea :doh:
I went to see an old chap last week who I've know a long time , I've been putting it off because I haven't felt good , when got got chatting I was getting nervous for no bloody reason so my throat got tight and dryer , after about forty mins I was still sipping freezing cold tea which I hate just to stop the dry thoat and even though we were still talking my mind was elsewhere, it's amazing the situations we put ourselves in just to be polite, sometimes we should be able to say no I don't fancy it , anxiety just strips the enjoyment out of everything .
If you keep trying with these situations sooner or later it will seem normal again , enjoy the Sunday dinner .
Right got to find my list of where I put my lists , the worst thing I've forgotten other than picking up the kids is forgetting how to swallow when I put a tablet in my mouth , just stand there trying to swallow with nothing happening while it slowly dissolves .:D
Senior Moment
08-04-18, 11:21
Could so relate to your experience in your neighbours home Carnation !! I did a similar thing ( trying to be sociable ) yesterday, and oh what an effort it is. Half of my brain is telling me to make a run for it, and the other half telling me to just "get on with it ". I can't wait for these experiences to get a bit easier during recovery. As Buster says, anxiety certainly does take the enjoyment out of life !! Onward and upward again I guess, but I have to say, the urge to just stay under the duvet some days is truly overwhelming . Take care SM x
I overslept!!!!!:ohmy:
Two hours behind schedule and as I race to the kitchen to get the breakfast going, which was fast catching up with lunchtime, I am half thinking of cancelling.
I hate rushing, I was anxious about going anyway and it was pouring with rain.
No, I thought. I can do this and apart from that, I will only have to get all worked up again about it next time.
I had to find something reasonable to wear, which I hate, because I normally just grab whatever is hanging over the back of the chair. Dressing up becomes extinct with anxiety. As you know, it's the least of our worries when it is a hard task to get dressed at all.
Just about made it in time. Picked up the neighbour, who looked ten times better than me and went on our way. I had verbal diarrhoea all the way there; I do this when I am nervous. Arrived at this little quaint pub with colourful hanging baskets, thatched roof and strawberry pink walls. Real picture postcard stuff. It looked beautiful and inviting.
We went inside and ordered a drink and was then shown to our table.
There I clock a log fire burning; I am already flushing hot with anxiety and panicky about the thought of sitting in a strange place, worried about the quality of the food and wondering if I am going to plead to my other half to leave.
Still with verbal diarrhoea and fidgeting with stuff on the table. (I like to move the salt and pepper pot around in different ) We ordered and carried on talking loads of rubbish. My poor neighbour couldn't get a word in and kept tilting her head sideways; probably thinking that she should have cancelled.
The food arrived. It looked good, it tasted good and I didn't choke. So that was one hurdle over with.
Then to my surprise, my neighbour asked me about my anxiety and how it affects me and what causes it? Wow! I wasn't expecting that.
She knew about my condition, because Mr C told her I was having some private sessions with a therapist.
I thought, "If I talk about this, it might set me off". :scared15:
But no, she had the decency to ask, so I explained as best as I could, trying not to bore the pants off of the poor woman.
She then came back with, "I have problems with socialising too!"
I wonder how many people are in the cupboard so-to-speak with fears and phobias, but don't want to admit this to anyone.
All in all, it was a pleasant lunch, interesting conversation and over two hours of sitting in a unfamiliar place with anxiety in the background.
Journey home was a relief as was my day. :)
I did it. :yesyes:
Pulisa, I like to think I am making progress. Time will only tell that. x
Buster, I amazingly didn't spill any tea. What is normal? I have no idea anymore. :D
SM, It is easy to stay in the comfort of your duvet, but we know deep down that is not good for us. Well done for achieving your visit. x
Until next time......
You seem to be on a journey of self discovery Carnation!! You amaze me, honestly. Be very proud of yourself.
It sounds like your neighbour is still 'in the closet'. Perhaps you were both benefiting from therapy today :D
Thanks fishman. Its more about coping and facing demons.
The battle is up and down as you will know yourself. :hugs:
I think a lot of people have difficulties which they will only share with others if they feel comfortable in their company. None of us know what goes on inside people's heads, even those who apparently are really confident and outgoing..
Well done on another achievement, Carnation! In a way it was good that you overslept because it made it less of an anticipatory wait until lunchtime for you.
Another hurdle jumped , well done , don't you wish you could feel the way you do on the way but on the way there ? It's always a bit of a high after the event , I don't know about you but when I was younger it was the other way round a high on the way there .
Maybe the start of a beautiful freindship ? Most of us would love real life nutty freind , a man would never open up like that we'd just struggle on and talk about football or cars .
Im terrible for the verbal diarrhoea ( glad auto spell just filled that word in two spellings ? ) better than actual diarrhoea on the way :D I sometimes walk away from a stranger shaking my head thinking what the hell was i just talking about .
Take care :D
Pulisa, that is just what I thought. Having more time would mean more time for thinking and panicking. x
Buster, some of the conversations I strike up must have the other person thinking I am a bit strange. I sometimes get out of breath, because I don't pause for breath. I can feel my face flushing and then I start fidgeting. :wacko:
So, it will be no surprise to know that I am absolutely exhausted today.
And still had to go in to the main Town today. :(
I really didn't want to go. The weather was miserable. I had to drag my body around, sit at every bench I could find and wished away the time until I came home.
I've had such a week of venturing out, new places, new people, new situations, that today I just wanted to lull around the house.
I was obsessing about my health. I woke with an unexplained rash on my neck and I had a stiff calf and started to think I had a blood clot. :scared15: My legs were heavy, my eyes were streaming from my sinuses, I felt cold all day and my stomach was turning over. I felt tired and grumpy and was pining for my sofa.
My only conclusion is; over doing it.
Was it worth the effort?
Well, of course it was.
The original nagging doubts of can I? Will I? Turned in to; I did and I can do this!
I just have to pace myself better.
So, tomorrow I am having a more laid back day.
Now put me in the garden and I could be there all day. It's as if I belong there.
I don't worry about stretching, bending, carrying heavy things, getting dirty; I love it.
I love to touch the earth's soil and feel the grass under my feet. The petals of the flowers amaze me and so does watching the birds at work. :)
Looking back over the last few days, I think of what got me through all of this.
Chatting obsessively, looking at objects around me and just going for it without thinking that something terrible is going to happen to me.
You have to not worry about collapsing, falling, fainting or anything else.
'No Fear', has to be the thought process.
Whether you think fear in the run up to an event, when you actually are doing the task, you have to just go for it, no matter what you think the consequences would be; if that makes any sense.
It is hard to make sense out of anxiety anyway, because it is so unpredictable.
In a way, you have to act in the same way.
Sleep and rest are so important to be able to battle your way through the day.
Anxiety likes to mess this up to.
If you don't get enough sleep during the night, then make sure you do something relaxing during the day.
Damn, I have just divulged half a chocolate Easter Egg and now I have acid reflux. Why, why, why? Does it have to be chocolate that does this? :weep:
This means I now have to sleep half sitting up all night, which in turn means a stiff neck the following morning.
Was it worth it to have the chocolate.
Well, it was at the time. :unsure:
Until the next time..........
So, today was not the lull day that I had planned.
I had to go out 3 times today and hardly got any rest.
But, these were normal weekly chores, so I was far more at ease.
It's felt so cold lately and when I heard the weatherman comparing this year with last year; it was 25c!!! And it certainly shows in the garden. So many flowers, shrubs and trees still looking bare. Just mainly daffodils and polyanthus. Cherry blossom tree has not even got any leaves showing yet. Heard a farmer saying that we were 6 weeks behind with spring. What's the betting that we will go head first in to summertime and bypass spring altogether.
My unexplained rash had disappeared today together with the ache in the leg. :shrug:
Uncontrollable thoughts were the bane of the day today.
Everything from when I was looking after my mum, to the funny turn I had 5 months ago, to where am I going to be in ten years time, will I be homeless, will I be on my own, will I end up in a home, will we all be killed by an asteroid hitting Earth, will we be controlled by robots, will we all become robots? :ohmy:
STOP! My brain is out of control.
I just want to sit and listen to the birdsong, breath in the fresh air and be peaceful and soulful.
This is the one thing that needs more work, whether through Mindfulness or something else. What with that and the forever thinking that I am going to die today or collapse or faint nearly everywhere I go.
In Mindfulness you are supposed to learn to quickly bring yourself back to the present when your mind wanders, which everyone's can do consciously.
It's the sub-conscious bit that's the problem. Sometimes you don't realise you are doing this until you have had several thoughts like this and then you shake your head in despair. They are always nagging thoughts, never nice thoughts.
Do you think, 'I feel so happy making the dinner or putting the rubbish out'?
Or, "I feel happy with my body and my mind is brilliant"? Or, "I have to go shopping, what a delight!"? Is this why we watch TV? to dull our brains?
I don't really want to dull my brain. I want to enrich it. I want to live and not just survive. Apparently we are all on this Earth for a purpose, so why do we have anxiety?
Are we thinking too much? How do we stop these regrets, sadness, despair, anger and fear?
I'm going to keep practising my mindfulness in hope that it will help; even cure.
Tomorrow is now my relaxing day. Hopefully. :)
Until next time..........
I don't really think about the future-more about getting through the day and getting everything done. A lot of my anxiety comes from keeping to a routine so that things do get done. Mindfulness to me is just dealing with what you've got to do at the time without thinking too much about the next task. My daughter's psychologist calls Mindfulness "sticking plaster" which surprised me because I thought it was meant to be "best practice".
I reckon give it a few years and Mindfulness will be old hat. We'll all be told to do summat else (equally patented).
I reckon give it a few years and Mindfulness will be old hat. We'll all be told to do summat else (equally patented).
I think you may be right Pulisa. 'Heartfulness'? :D
Although it can be very effective, it can also be a constant reminder of living in a robotic mode. IMO, read through it and take the bits that can help you. x
Ok, the relaxing day turned out to be a day of housework and chores. :lac:
I've also twisted my ankle and it hurts like ****!
Hobbling around the house eventually became impossible, so I had to rest in the end.
I only went into the garden today, so no run-ins with people or things that could potentially upset me. Just the housework and the ankle.
I got another invitation for a social event for tomorrow.
Although I got through the last two, I feel I need a break, so I declined.
It makes me sound Miss popular, but It's because these events have mounted up over months/years of declining and re-arranging.
If I was ever lucky enough to win the lottery, I probably wouldn't be able to pick up the prize anyway. :D
I want to get back in to driving again. The bad ankle has put a stop to that for the time being. As soon as it is ok, I am going to tackle this.
It's been 4 years since I have driven the car as a normal person.
I've driven down the road and back, but that's it.
This is a major phobia for me and where most of my panic attacks occur and where it all began.
It's a biggie for me, so I plan to take it one step at a time.
Even talking about it causes for face to flush and I become fidgety. :scared15:
I know it's not the end of the world if I don't drive anymore, but I want it to be my choice. Obviously, it would be handy in an emergency and even as it stands now, I would do it in an emergency if needed.
A Therapist told me of a tip for driving fear.
To make several stops, even if you don't need to or want to.
Then start off again and keep doing this until eventually you just feel free to drive normally. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
This is the technique that I am going to give a try.
First of all, I want a dry and sunny day, so that might be more of wait. :huh:
Until next time...........
So, I didn't go driving today. But I will when the sun comes out. :)
I seem to be quite emotional lately. The least little thing and I well up.
From someone being a bit sharp with me to thinking about my late mum.
I still have issues with guilt and regrets with my mum and I really don't know how to deal with it. It's been a year since she passed and although I get on with my life, I have these flashbacks to certain times with my mum.
I also think in my head that the whole world is against me.
Almost to the point of paranoia. :wacko:
It maybe a coincidence but I was reading a magazine about de-cluttering last night.
It said that, 'before you de-clutter your cupboards and wardrobe, you should de-clutter your grief, regrets and guilt'. I thought, "this could take some time." :ohmy:
But, how do you do this anyway? More therapy?
I've had over 3 years of therapy, but at the end of the day, I still carry the same feelings and emotions.
I could be told until I am blue in the face that, "It was not my fault" or "I did my best" and after a while, I still think the same way.
Why do we carry this stuff on our backs weighing us down?
It's not because we are bad people or don't care.
It's quite the opposite. It's because we do care that we feel this way.
I suppose we have to get in to the heads of the people that affected us this way, like my mum would have said to me, "stop wasting your life with regrets and worry, you did everything you physically could of done".
Why does it take typing on a screen to a bunch of strangers to realise something like this? Why do I fight myself over this?
I know, this all rather heavy stuff, but baggage is!
I'm a strong believer that our lives are already mapped out for us.
I also believe that things happen for a reason.
So, if we bare these two things in mind, we should be able to cope with these emotions that haunt us.
'What ever will be, will be' or 'It was meant to be'. So many clichés could some up our lives.
You know those occasions when you are really upset about something.
Maybe a house or flat that you were going to buy or rent and you didn't get it.
Well, maybe you were not meant to have it. And the one you eventually got turned out to much better.
I need to remember this when things go wrong.
I remember a story that my dad told me a while back that was told to him by his mother. His mum and dad lived in flat over a shop which was adjacent to a pub on the opposite corner of the road. My granddad ventured to this pub on a regular basis.
The Landlord of this pub was very excited about his daughter getting married and it was common knowledge to the regulars that their wedding present was a trip on the 'Titanic'!
But, the couple on the day got held up with time and missed the launch of the ship, so they didn't board it and was very upset.
Until they heard the news that it sunk!!!!
You see, they were not meant to go.
'Something good, comes out of something bad'. :)
What might seem devastating at the time, could well turn out to be better for you and in this case; a life saver!
So, I will do my best to see a positive side to what may seem a regret, mistake, disappointment and keep in my head that this is the way it is supposed to be. :)
So on that note,
until next time.............
Senior Moment
13-04-18, 12:49
Hi Carnation. Please check your personal messages. I have sent you one. x
Thank you Senior Moment. Got it and replied. x
Another social event today. :ohmy:
Tea and cake at a neighbours and was quite looking forward to it.
A whole 3 hours with no flinching, no hot flushes and not wanting to run for hell leather.
Could it be the more you so this, the easier it gets? Maybe.
The 'no fear' attitude becomes more normality.
The anxiety lies in the run-up to the event and the exhaustion at the end of it.
If you keep focused, busy and positive beforehand, then this helps.
I've also been doing some gardening and what I call tough stuff.
I was actually getting out of breath, which always scares me, but I kept going and at one point was chased by a bee and as a result was running around the garden waving my arms in air like a woman possessed.
(I have a fear of bees and wasps; actually anything that flies and stings).
Afterwards, I though, "How can I be of breath and then running around like that?"
Because the breathing is caused by the anxiety and not on how healthy I am.
My acid reflux had settled down a lot now and I can now eat a little naughtier. :noangel:
You can only eat so much turkey and chicken. BUT! I am still careful. In moderation, I say.
I'm still feeling very nervous when I am walking or standing still. I can't seem to relax and take things in my stride, if you know what I mean. There's much improvement, but my brain keeps telling me that my legs are not stronger enough, which I know is a load of nonsense for the fact I was running around the garden out chasing an attack from a bee!
A tip for gardening. Don't wear blue. Apparently insect things love blue and get attracted to this colour.
What was I wearing? Blue jeans and a blue top. :lac:
My gland is up in my throat on the left-hand side. I get this when I am run down a lot! So, I am not thinking anything nasty, but it makes you feel a bit rough.
My emotions have been all over the place lately, which can affect this too.
So, I am looking forward to this warmer weather that's on it's way.
The sun rays have to make you feel better.
Sunglasses at the ready, flip flops waiting and bring on that vitamin D. :shades:
Until next time.......
So, my throat was still sore and swollen today, so I decided to try some chakra work, thinking I may have an unbalance. Well, you know me, I will try almost anything. :wacko:
Reading up about this, apparently you can suffer with your throat area from emotional stress. This I have in abounds.
Also If you are holding back from expressing yourself in some way, it can cause a problem in the gland area. Of I course, read all of this information with an open mind. "Let's give it a go," I thought. After all, I only had to listen to some music, assuming the pitches of the sounds were the curing method. It actually sounded quite calming and I did actually feel a lot better.
It also mentioned singing, which would be the complete opposite of what I felt like doing, but I gave that ago too. Much to Mr C's disapproval. :D
Maybe I didn't do enough singing, because by the evening, I still feel poorly with this.
Or, it could be my visit to the Care Home to see Mr C's mum which upset today.
She was very upset and crying and her friend in the room next door had passed away, which then upset me. Can you believe I started crying too and I don't even know this person. :blush:
I dread going, because it reminds me so much of visiting my mum, of which I am obviously not over yet and I hate to see anyone upset or in distress.
I'm unbelievably emotional at the moment. Cried at BGT over the magician with his sad story that was interwoven in his act, even cried when the daffodils that I had delicately arranged in a vase only a few days ago had now died.
"What the hell is wrong with me"?
I'm constantly touching and prodding this sore part of my neck, making it worse and in turn making my anxiety worse too.
I just want that nice warm weather to come and rejuvenate me.
'Feel good weather', that's what we all need.
Not to sound too negative about everything. My walking has a made a major breakthrough. I can feel the ground. :yesyes:
Only people that suffer with anxiety and know that floating/being on a boat feeling, will know what I mean by this.
I definitely feel grounded and walking a couple of miles a day now.
Only a few months ago, I was struggling to walk from one room to another.
Sight is much more clearer too. No blurriness or misty lens. :)
I'm still checking the mirror far too much for signs of paleness or flushing.
'Checking' is not good, I know that. It fuels the anxiety. Best to just ignore and get on with stuff. It's not like I am vain or anything, far from it, it's the fear of not looking well. If I had any intelligence, I wouldn't be doing it all. But No, I do it all the time.
Even a shop window, a mirror in a shop, the wing mirror on the car, reflection from the computer screen when it is dark; it's unbelievable how much I do this. :lac:
So tomorrow I am going to give this Chakra music thing another go tomorrow.
I think it's Tibetan or something like that. There's also singing bowls, but my cat may be affected by that. :ohmy:
Until next time.............
I'm doing my blog early tonight because I want to catch an early night.
My throat really hurts today and I am worried I am coming down with something.
I tried the Chakra Tibetan music, placed lapis stones on my throat and as recommended, wore blue; even though this is not the colour to wear in the garden. But, still poorly. In fact, I felt worse!
Went out to get some shopping and felt really unsteady on my feet, not knowing whether I am ill or whether the anxiety joined in the play.
So, I came home quickly and did the old trick of gargling with warm salt water and I've got one of those meals with nearly every veggie in it. Then I'm going to take myself off to me bed and wish for an improvement tomorrow.
It could be my sinuses, as I feel gunged up in my nose, ears, head and throat.
I get this a lot, but it doesn't normally affect my throat this bad.
To make matters worse, I had my acid reflux back again last night.
This was my fault as I had been eating far too much food to aggravate this. :lac:
When I was out walking I remembered a very good tip for when you are struggling.
If you murmur to yourself; 'heel, toe, heel, toe' as you walk, it helps a lot!
It takes your mind away from wandering and the concentration of doing this keep you in a tidy place.
I'm beginning to think my hot flushes are to do with my ongoing sinuses now.
As for mirror checking, well, that's been off the scale today.
Not only that, forever asking Mr C, "Do I look ill?" "Do you think I have a temperature?" Poor bloke. He must be so sick of me.
It's the not knowing what something is and that is why it is so hard with anxiety.
All those questions......
"What did I do to get this?"
"How can I control this?"
"What can I do to get rid of this?"
"How can I prevent having it again?"
Our brains are so advanced now that we need to know the answer to everything!!!
And where's this warm weather? It's been really cold today.
moan, moan, moan and more moaning.
I'm very good at moaning and not a very good patient, so for the sake of Mr C, let's hope I feel better tomorrow.
Until next time...........
It's probably a virus, Carnation. The Chakras won't help you much on this one so get to bed early and have a good night's sleep? You need to feel better for the coming heatwave so take things easy and don't take on extra tasks. Hope you feel better in the morning xx
Yes, you are probably right Pulisa. x
We also have family coming at the weekend for Mr C's mum's birthday, who will be 92!!!!
Hi there , I swear a bee has got it in for me , before I went away I had to weld somthing in the shed , I turned on the gas which was leaking and may have attracted the bee ,bloody huge thing came in so I ignored it but it wouldn't leave me alone so I end up outside trying to find a bee catching device, after twenty minutes of trying to catch it and not kill it it buzzed off on its own accord , by then the bloody gas had run out so the job was off , got back today and one came in my lockup driving me insane pretty sure it was the same one or at least his brother , went home and another was in the garden haunting me , I think word has got round the bee community I'm an easy target , you should hear me swearing at them :roflmao:
Lots of people are complaining with sore throats my daughter has one , honey and lemon seems the best option .
Glad you got on ok at the mad hatters tea party , act normal long enough and you become normal .
While we were away I barely looked in a mirror , when I got back and did I swear I looked older and definitely no prettier:D
Take care .
Buster, pleased to hear you got back in one piece.
Bees love to go in sheds, don't know why, no flowers in there. :lac:
Don't think I'll ever be completely normal, it's not in my nature. :D
Who would want to be normal anyway Carnation? Also glad you're still doing well with your socialising, you've got a lot more guts than me!!
Buster, I get that with bees in my greenhouse. I try to help them get out but they never want to know :lac:
Thank you fishman we :hugs:
Feeling a bit better today, but still taking things a bit easier. Think you were right Pulisa about it being a virus. I think I peeked with it yesterday, so just a matter of time now and not over doing things.
Got to take Mr C's mum to the hairdressers tomorrow, so that will take all my strength just doing that!
Until next time....
Pulisa, I hope your appointment went OK yesterday. x
I got some news I wasn't expecting, I'm afraid. Fortunately further tests have been arranged really quickly so at least I don't face weeks of waiting, hopefully. It'll be a big test for me as I might have all the right advice but am pretty useless at applying it to myself.
Thanks for asking, Carnation and I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sure Mrs C will look lovely for her birthday celebrations-it's kind of you to take her to the hairdresser's xx
Croydonbee
18-04-18, 13:33
Thinking of you, Pulisa.
Hope it all comes out ok for you pulisa you deserve a break , better get cracking on that bus trip , I think we could all do with it now it's warming up .:hugs:
I got some news I wasn't expecting, I'm afraid. Fortunately further tests have been arranged really quickly so at least I don't face weeks of waiting, hopefully. It'll be a big test for me as I might have all the right advice but am pretty useless at applying it to myself.
Also hoping it's nothing serious, Cmrd P. Sending positive vibes.
Thank you all very much. I don't want to hijack Carnation's thread so will slope off for a while and sort myself out:D
Don't be so daft when carnation is back on she'll tell you it's ok , we all hijack threads from
Time to time you know she won't mind , if you do feel for once you need to talk about yourself you should , you give a lot to others .:)
Carnation is back on and asserts her authority to allow Pulisa to use this thread as much as she wants! :)
We are here if you need to talk about anything. x
---------- Post added at 21:57 ---------- Previous post was at 21:33 ----------
So, my day was challenging.
Took Mr C's mum to the hairdressers where she was made to look ten years younger. Nails done too and 3 hours in all and managed to stay reasonably anxiety free.
The sun was hot today, so was anxious not to get overheated, what with my hot flushes, but actually didn't get any today.
Strange to get these flushes when it's been cold and now it's hot, I don't! :shrug:
Throat is much better today. I couldn't resist the torch down the throat and then wished I hadn't. Never a pretty sight at the best of times and you only need to spot a mark or spot to set the health anxiety off again.
Mine looked like the remains of a car crash. No wonder it was sore. The Manuka honey has been working a treat as is the yogurts, which has also been settling my acid reflux. Killed two birds with one stone, so to speak.
Hoping to get a relaxing day tomorrow before the family arrive for the weekend. I am doing lunch for them, so the hot flushes will probably return then. :wacko:
Until next time.....
Woke up this morning without the razor throat thing, so that is a good start. :)
Sun was shining and we had the day to ourselves and planned to have lunch out and go to the beach. Which we did. :shades:
I'm always apprehensive about having lunch out as I never know how I am going to be and what will happen.
First hurdle was getting the car parked; me and Mr C always have a debate over this, as he either likes to park about half a mile from where we want to be and I start panicking that it will too far if I get in to a panic or a place in a dubious place where we might get a ticket. :lac:
Anyway, got parked straight away right outside the cafe, even a table spare with a parasol and no queue at the counter. "Blimey", I thought. "This is going far too smoothly".
And it did. I tend to be pessimistic about things going wrong, so I am always pleasantly surprised when things go my way. Anxiety was reasonably low too.
Then went for a walk and down on to the beach. Even that was empty. :ohmy:
Even the kiosk had no queues. Had somebody pre-warned everyone I was going out?
I love the beach, the sound of the waves, the fresh salt water from the sea, the sand on my feet. It's amazing therapy.
(I used this vision many a time during meditation).
Another thing among many is my 'Fear of the Sun'. I love the heat, but I worry if I get too much sun and get heatstroke. I've had this a few times and it is not a pleasant feeling. So sun hat was at the ready and covered in factor 5 or whatever the highest projection is.
I actually had a brilliant day. Managed to communicate with quite a few people without getting tongue tied and felt really alive, which is something that you don't feel when you are captivated with anxiety.
I didn't have to use any of my coping skills today at all. I was completely natural and normal for once. What I did see was a lady on the beach chatting to a person and her legs were shaking like crazy. Straight away I thought she must have anxiety. I could see her trying to get away and fidgeting and feeling uncomfortable.
I also wondered how many other people are like this, but keep it to themselves.
Only another sufferer would see this on someone else, which is probably why most GPs are completely useless when it comes to this field.
At the end of the beautiful sunny day, I returned home and started to prepare the dinner. Mr C had gone in to the garden and I sat down for a bit. And there it happened. A 'head zap'. I knew what it was, because I have had hundreds of these in the past. When I was at my worst, I could have 20-30 a day.
Now that's what annoys me about anxiety. You have a good day, feel fine and think great, I am getting better and can get on with my life at last.
Then anxiety wants to come along and ruin all your hard work and courage by trying to scare you and tries to stop you from doing this.
Well not this time! '"Bugger Off", I said to it. I don't care how you want to scare me, you are not putting me back in to my deep black hole.
In fact I purposely over exerted myself afterwards and walked aimlessly around the house ready to take the challenge on.
What happened? It went away. :yesyes:
I know full well, it could come back, but for today, I kicked it's a*se!!
Until next time.......
Pulisa, if you are looking in; thinking of you. x
It's great you had a good day , first of many hopefully :yahoo: you seem to be growing stronger with each day .
What the hell is going on with the weather? Last weekend down the coast we were wearing hats coast and scarfs and still cold , the last two days ivebeen out all day in a t shirt , it's been 6 months of winter then straight into summer , what happened to spring ?
I was in the garden today and heard a shuffling noise ( over the buzzing sound of the bloody bee that loves me ) ignored it for a bit then poked my nose over next doors fence , she's been house bound for 15 months since a bad fall and she's in her 90s she now has nurses round four times a day , the old bugger was shuffling down the gravel garden on a Zimmer frame , she's shaped like a question mark now , I shouted over if she was ok and she said yes but I went round anyway , what you may ask was the important issue that she dragged herself down the garden for ? She had an empty yogurt pot on the zimmer , there had been a spider in her sink so she scooped it up and took it to the bush at the end of the garden risking life and limb , we had a chat about her world travels and I suggested getting a chair outside but she said "not bloody likely I hate being out in the sun " and off she shuffled back inside :D
Wish I could get back down the coast , you are lucky to have it on tap .
Take care .:hugs:
Ps I shouldn't try and push you pulisa to open up on here I know you are not comfortable with it but it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help and I'm sure plenty on here would be happy to listen .:hugs:
I agree Buster. Only days ago I was wearing a coat, boots and scarf and now t.shirts and shorts. Had to open up the summer suitcase in desperation of finding something cool to wear. It will be back to cold again next week, no doubt.
That's really nice that you went to see that lady. I love reading your stories,; you tell them so well. She is a much braver woman than me. Carrying a spider to the end of the garden. Not something I could do without screaming and jumping out of my skin. :scared15:
It's definitely the start of summer as I have the evidence in the way of my first sting from whatever insect managed to catch me off guard. Got burnt on my arm from the window of the car and to top it, my massive of fear of thunder and lightning is on it's way. :scared15::scared15::scared15:
I'm already trying to decide where to hide and making a mental note of all the electrical gadgets to disconnect.
I am so bad with this, that I am literally a bag of nerves. Honestly, I am that bad that I won't even go to the toilet in case I am electrified. Have to wear rubber soles and have been known to go to bed wearing a pair of crocs.
I won't pick up anything metal, remove any jewellery I am wearing and shake with fear.
I'm also surrounded by about fifty odd trees, so my visual thoughts are not reassuring to me. I so want to get over this fear, but I can't see it somehow.
If there was a cupboard big enough, Id probably sit in it.
So if I am not online tomorrow evening, you will know why. :wacko:
I went out again today. Didn't really want to, but partner wanted to go out.
For reason I felt uneasy, unsteady and just counting the minutes until we came home.
When I have day out, I seem to want a day to get over it. Especially as we have visitors tomorrow and I am hoping the thunder doesn't come early as I am sure to embarrass myself and my partner with my strange behaviour.
Some people don't like it, but I unbelievably out of control with fear!
Anyway, enough about that. I spent a little more time on my own today. (I have monophobia which is a fear of being left or being on my own.) I coped pretty well. Kept occupied and tried to act normally. No head zaps/brain flips like yesterday, but was very aware that one could come. It didn't, so I was relieved at that. :)
As Buster has pointed out, I am very near a beach. It was very breezy here today with a sea mist. The beach was surprisingly empty, but come tomorrow, I am sure it will be heaving. The downside to being near the sea is the high tides with the new moon and something else where we sometimes have to evacuate. :scared15:
That's something I like to live with. Evacuate?? I have trouble leaving the house at the best of times, let alone leaving in a hurry, normally in the middle of the night, leaving the cat behind and going to a strange place with a load of strange people. :scared15:
Lots of scary faces today. Hopefully one day I can have run of smiley ones and thumbs up.
Until next time........
Senior Moment
21-04-18, 12:38
Hi Carnation. I am still reading and enjoying your posts !! I thought on reading your post from last evening that I have so much in common with you. I also live near a beach, have a fear of being alone, and lastly I used to be terrified of thunder storms. However, many, many years ago, I was walking home from the beach with my daughter in a push chair when literally, out of the blue, came this almighty flash of lightning and the loudest thunder clap I had ever heard. I had absolutely no choice but to make a run for it and carry on heading home. How I did it is still a mystery to me, but I did. From that day on, I have never given a thunderstorm a second thought. It truly did cure my fear. Fear is a horrible feeling to be sure. Take care, and carry on posting ! SM xx
Senior Moment, great to hear from you.
Isn't it weird how we have so much in common?
Your story about the thunderstorm was very encouraging. :)
First of all Pulisa, am thinking of you. I know this is on Carnation's thread but she has stated she's fine with that.
Carnation, you amaze me with all you do. Your stories remind me of myself and Mrs F, we sometimes laugh we are the blind leading the blind. Its funny though but I've never been afraid of thunderstorms, maybe if I was caught out in the open on top of a hill but that doesn't happen often. However our black lab is petrified, she shakes all over. Fireworks too, hates them with a passion.
Buster I had to chuckle at your description of your neighbour 'shaped like a question mark'. You're a kind hearted bloke though and she's lucky to have you living next door.
Carnation, I just read what you wrote. I am in work, alone, and it is very busy and I am having wave after wave of total panic and fear. I have just given in and taken a xanax 25mg. I don't take them often. A strip of 10 would do me about 6 months, so I only take them when I feel really bad. Right now I feel so bad and terrified. However if any of my customers were asked, they would say, she looks great and in great form. I am running a small heritage centre were today we have a function and its full of people. I am serving tea and coffee and food and dealing with regular questions etc. That is not what is making me feel so bad - at least I don't think so. I have often been busier at work and sailed through the day. I was in Sicily last week for a holiday - of sorts - I also am an author and was doing some research. I usually travel alone but this time a coupe in their 70s asked to travel with me and we shared a house and got on fine. I have given up wine, coffee and smoking because of my panic attacks/anxiety etc. Last week I did all three but very little of either. I don't know if that is why this week I have thought many times I am dying. I had a bit of stress at work - some tourist made a complaint that they felt I 'didn't give them the attention they wanted'.... the boss mentioned something about the tourist saying they had to wait a while for their coffee. For some reason this has played on my mind all week - that i am almost 50 and being ticked off because of 'someone' complaining to my boss about waiting on a coffee!!! It's made me feel humiliated and indignant. But, I had been feeling bad before this. I feel literally as though I am about to die. Right now nothing seems real - as though I have had a few glasses of wine on an empty stomach. My pulse is 76. I am on 50mg a day b/p tablets for high blood pressure - my b/p on Thursday was 140/95. I am absolutely terrified I am going to drop dead of a heart attack or that I have a brain tumour or a clot somewhere in my body that is making me feel so strange. I feel light headed, unsteady, like my heartbeat is fast, scared, tired, like I want to cry. Like horrible butterflies in my stomach feeling but it is all over my body. I have 2 hours to go at work. What is wrong with me :-) Nic
Well after reading that you have been to a couple of sales and managed ok I felt inspired ( that and not wanting to be on here come the bailiffs:D ) Ive avoided going to the local Saturday open sale and auction , it's a horrible place ran by the most ignorant aggressive men you could meet , basically all the recycling centres and house clearance have weekly sale but it's not for the faint hearted lots of swearing arguments and the odd fight , if you try to haggle it's usually met with put it down and fu&@ off , but needs must so I got up 5.30 and went , I had a pretty bad wobble ( tight chest and throat ) but I got myself together and stuck it out , bought a few vintage bits that should keep the wolves at bay .
Today I got on my vintage bicycle and rode to a village yard sale , I rode around for an hour and a half and said " good morning to every stall holder even the ones that looked like they'd rather shoot you than say hello , it's only a small step back to what I used to do but it's still a step in the right direction eh ?
I guess you didn't get the thunder you were dreading it didn't happen here , I quite like it I open the window and have been know to go and stand in the garden under the gazebo just to see if there is a god but nothing just a wet lunatic :roflmao: one of my old neighbour's used to be terrified as soon as the first rumble came Tina turner would come on full blast .my older dog is an early warning system she freaks out before we even hear it . So in a storm I'm the big brave man it's just anything and everything that terrifies me , it makes no sense , like Nik above waves of fear just doing a job she's probably done a thousand times before and enjoys on a good day then for no reason the fear rears its ugly head and the doubt sets in , at least with lightening there is a valid reason for being afraid.
Anyway I'm sticking with the idea if a soft southern lass can get out and conquer fears I better pull up my Britches and get out there .:roflmao:
Hi Nikita :),
Although I am not a Doctor or professional body in medicine, I can understand why you feel like this. On many occasions I felt exactly the same.
Like you said, as if you have had a good drinking session and you are there, but not there sort of feeling.
I think in this particular instance, it is a culmination of things.
Alcohol is the worst ever for triggering these feelings. Although it may relax you at the time, it stores in your body like a demon waiting to happen. Coffee does this to me as well. I can only drink Latte and it has to be a single one, otherwise my head feels all scatty.
I think the pressure of work, the mass of people you have had to look after, the travelling, the stress is telling you, it is too much!!!
As far as your heartbeat. That is not a dangerous level and when you are stressed and anxious it will automatically go down. The pounding in the chest is just you getting anxious, it doesn't mean a heart attack.
It is so difficult to calm down and relax when you feel this way, I know, but you may need to start some meditation or mindfulness so you can control these feelings when they happen.
Also, if you have been eating processed foods like pies, pastries, ready made meals, it can also have an affect on your anxiety.
Lastly, you are not going to die. It is just a feeling and your head telling you this.
Anxiety is very powerful and it can make you think all sorts of terrible things and even make you feel the sensations of something terrible is going to happen to you.
When we get nervous, it affects our breathing.
Try the breathing in and out of the nostrils to calm down when this happens.
As for people complaining, I am afraid this will always happen in life. People are very good at this and some expect shit-hot attention ALL of the time. Just roll your eyes and think of yourself and your welfare. You can only do one thing at a time. :)
---------- Post added at 21:16 ---------- Previous post was at 21:09 ----------
Fishman, that 'shaped like a question mark' could well be on a bad day with anxiety. :wacko: My other half often says to me, "why on earth are you walking like that?!?" "You look like you have sh*t your pants"!! I reply, "because I am unsteady and my eyes are not working properly and this way I am nearer to the ground if I fall".
So now when I do this, I try to straighten my back and look at the objects around me instead of the floor. I make it sound easy, but it IS possible. :)
---------- Post added at 21:20 ---------- Previous post was at 21:16 ----------
Buster, well done!!!!
I know exactly how those auctions are and how they can test your anxiety to it's maximum. I know, because I too used to go to them.
They make the heartbeat go up and pound out of your chest. You are squashed between burly men and even more burly women. You get shoved and elbowed and shouted and glared at. All this to try and grab a bargain.
So you did really well today and I am proud of you! :)
Just wondering who the 'soft Southern lass' is? :D
---------- Post added at 21:56 ---------- Previous post was at 21:20 ----------
Well, I have a lot to catch up over the last two days.
Buster, you were right, the thunder and lightning didn't come, so now I feel stupid getting myself all worked up over nothing. Just think I have wasted good sleeping time worrying about something that didn't even happen. :lac:
It's always the expectation of something happening that I find the worst.
I need to conquer my pre-thinking of future events.
Right, I've a lot to get through, so I will get on.....
I'll start with yesterday, which was when the family were arriving for lunch.
First of all, I must be psychic, because I told my partner that I had a feeling they were going to arrive early. "No, no", he said. "They are never early, always late."
So, they were early. By an hour!!!! :scared15:
I was still in my vest and had only just finished with taking "Henry" around the house on a tour for dust. Partner was in the toilet doing a number 2; I know, too much information.
And none of the food had been prepared.
Luckily, I had decided to buy stuff that was already cooked and only had to plate it.
I'm not silly. All that messing about with stoves and pots and pans and having hot flushes while slaving away in the kitchen and getting stressed.
No. I had this one in the bag.
So, running to the front door in my vest as partner couldn't for the reason I told you.
I apologised for my attire and they sort of ignored it and came in.
Made them some tea and started to plate the lunch.
Mr C then appeared and kept them company.
All seemed to be going well until we had to leave to go and see my partner's mum at the Care home and then to my horror, they suggested we walk! :scared15::scared15::scared15:
I was speechless as it was a mile there and back. I also don't feel comfortable walking with other people and I can't walk very fast. It was hot and I started to feel panicky.
So I grabbed Mr C and whispered in his ear. "Do something!". Which he did, but then they suggested we go in their car! :scared15::scared15:
Oh no. It get's worse. Then I am beholden to do what they want to do, go when they want and not be control of anything.
"I'm not going!", I said to Mr C.
"I'll sort it", said Mr C.
Which he did and eventually the decision to take both cars and was then decided. :)
So quite a day all in all.
Topped with having a tight chest and thinking it was all just too much for me, but I survived it and lived to tell the tale.
Today, I wanted a rest, so I didn't set my alarm and had a sleep in.
I very rarely do this for two reasons.
1. Because I like to have my meals at certain times and get panicky if I don't have my breakfast at a certain time.
2. Because I am afraid that I won't wake up at all without the alarm. :scared15:
Once up, I planned to do some gardening today. Despite the risk of being eaten alive by bugs, bees, wasps and gnats. :mad: And those horrible oversized black fly thingies called horseflies! :scared15:
No, I am supposed to be fighting my fears, so out I went. Twice in fact.
In the morning and in the evening.
Did some hard graft work with weeding, grass edge trimming and digging.
Although I love to be outside and getting down and dirty with the earth's core, I was very conscious of getting too hot, overheating, becoming dehydrated and my body being able to cope with this work when I have done very little in the way of this over the last 6 months.
Pleased to say that nothing bad happened. I feel better for it and pleased with my results. A good 3 hours work solid.
I even managed to bend the little digger backwards so I have to use it back to front now. :D
Also went for a 2 mile walk and treated me and Mr C to a cream tea. :)
Earlier on I watched the 'London Marathon' and when I saw a 87 year old man competing, it gave me a big boost to get off my backside and do stuff.
Sometimes it is good to see this sort of thing.
I have done two marathons in the past, a very, very long time ago and I can tell you it is not an easy thing to do. At that time I didn't suffer with Anxiety, but I reckon if you can do a Marathon run, you can do anything!!!!:)
So until next time.........
---------- Post added at 21:57 ---------- Previous post was at 21:56 ----------
Pulisa, thinking of you. x
Carnation, that's one of my pet hates, being out of control of the situation like yours with the cars. It reminds me of MANY years ago before I met Mrs F. I had gone with friends to Rotherham as one worked for what was then British Steel and had a house there.
It was the Chrimbo Limbo period between Xmas and new year. I felt awful the whole time I was there. I remember watching my friends all laughing and joking while I was locked up in my private hell. I'm so glad to got out of that and well done on the garden work :yesyes:
I identify so much with what you have written, Carnation, but really well done on negotiating a very tricky weekend! I'm sure Mr C's Mum really appreciated seeing the rellies and I'm sure you were relieved to see them finally drive away!
We always take 2 cars if we are going anywhere-just makes the quick getaway possible and I'm in control! Not that this really happens now anyway.
Looks like the Royal baby will be putting in an appearance today-what a surprise...St George's Day!!
Oh no, this baby should be called George. :ohmy:
Nice to see you back on here Pulisa.
How right you are about the moment of departure with family. Why does this happen with family? I don't know why they bother coming half the time, their heart doesn't seem to be in it. Although they knew I had a breakdown 4 years ago and they have been told by my partner that I suffer from anxiety many times, they still don't understand it or make allowances for it. Actually they don't speak about it and I think just assume I am back to my old self. :lac:
Thank you so much Carnation for replying to me. I felt so much better about half an hour after taking the xanax, which made me believe that is just anxiety and not physical. Today I feel absolutely fine and slept for 12hrs! I think you are right that it was a build up of lots of different stresses. Isn't it terrifying though at the time! How our body can frighten us so much. Again thank you for your message. It helped me a lot :-)
You are welcome Nikki :)
Pleased to hear you are feeling better today.
Oh no, this baby should be called George. :ohmy:
Nice to see you back on here Pulisa.
How right you are about the moment of departure with family. Why does this happen with family? I don't know why they bother coming half the time, their heart doesn't seem to be in it. Although they knew I had a breakdown 4 years ago and they have been told by my partner that I suffer from anxiety many times, they still don't understand it or make allowances for it. Actually they don't speak about it and I think just assume I am back to my old self. :lac:People without anxiety will never understand it Carnation. That said, what they can do is make those allowances, just take a moment to listen and run any plans by you first. My brother and his wife just look at me blankly if I mention my anxiety, its like they wait for me to finish before carrying on where they left off, as if I hadn't spoken.
Imagine a world where everyone had an anxiety disorder :noangel:
Right first things first somthing that's played on my mind since my last visit , Do you really wear crocks to bed ? Infact do you really wear crocks ? :D they just don't seem to fit in with my mental picture , and walking round like you've s&@t your pants :roflmao:, you're just not selling yourself very well I'm sure the reality isn't so dire .
Today if I adopted the question mark stance I wouldn't have cut my big bonse open on the shed roof , being tall it's a daily occurrence, you'd think the weight of the world would push me down enough to walk under a limbo pole :D
So I'm guessing with the Royal arrival pulisa has been putting out her bunting and fishing out her Union Jack outfit , better keep it out for the Royal wedding or will it be the pearly queen number ? :roflmao: hope you are doing ok ishh :hugs:
Crocks , maybe you meant socks that would make more senses.
Fish , when I was younger I used to work with a mate and if we were on the motorway I'd take the wheel while he rolled up fags in his lap , we'd be doing 70 and he wasn't looking he'd just trust me to say brake and steer , now I like to have my escape pod to hand if you go somewhere with another driver you have to leave when they do , I need my way out .
What a difference a day makes eh Nic .
My brother and his wife just look at me blankly if I mention my anxiety, its like they wait for me to finish before carrying on where they left off, as if I hadn't spoken.
That's exactly what I get fishman.
As soon as you say those words to anybody; total silence!!!
No reaction, no words back and a bit of awkwardness.
Do you know one day when I am feeling a bit more confident, I am going to get a t.shirt printed up with the words, 'I suffer with anxiety' and see what happens. :wacko:
Went out again today. To a Town about ten miles away.
We aimed to have lunch out at a Café and from the moment we arrived and forgot to take the change for the car park, I already felt panicky.
We were forced to get a free hour ticket, which was not going to be long enough for what we wanted to do, but we thought we would have the lunch and get back to the car in time before it ran out. (This already puts pressure on me).
Partner wanted a fry-up, I didn't but joined anyway and thought I would just eat the bits I wanted. Like the toast and the mushrooms and maybe a bit of the sausage.
Fry-ups include an egg. One of my many phobias.
So, waiting for the meal to arrive, I am already fidgeting, panicking about the ticket on the car and wished I'd ordered a sandwich.
It came and I started to plough my way through the items on my plate.
Then, I was left with the egg! Staring at me from the plate telling me that it was a bad thing and giving the thoughts that it would make me feel unwell. (The reason for this is a panic attack I had that followed after eating an egg; although that might not have been reason and probably wasn't!?!). :scared15:
I turned to my partner and said, "I still have this fear of eggs and it is a shame because I used to like an egg".
"Well don't eat it then", he replied.
Now, because I am trying to conquer my fears and I am very contrary, I decided to give it a go.
So I started with the middle and ate it very slowly, actually waiting for something bad to happen. It didn't, but I then thought there might be a delayed reaction.
It was like I had eaten something awful that was going to kill me.
By that time, it was time to get back to the car, so as I was walking, I was very aware that something may happen to me.
Nothing happened, expect for getting another ticket to put on the car from the change we got in the Café and so we continued with our walk around the Town.
After about a 2 mile walk and in and out of various shops which included carrying some heavy bags, we then made our way home.
So, I am pleased I faced one of my fears today. I didn't run away, I didn't panic and I made myself continue and do other things afterwards.
So, all in all, another day accomplished. :)
It is however, very exhausting and unnerving, so I will give myself some respite tomorrow.
Until next time..............
You we both keep posting at the same time are we both avoiding the news ?
The gigantic elephant in the room , mental health .
This is a t shirt I ever just ordered , is it offensive ?
Yes, Buster, I have gone to bed wearing crocs!! :blush:
The feet have to stay outside of the covers, otherwise it is extremely uncomfortable and very hot. Flip flops are better. They bend more easily.
It's the rubber sole. People keep telling me that the rubber acts as a conductor.
That's why they say that being in a car is a good as any safe place, because of the tyres. (Someone correct me on this, If I have it wrong.)
And yes, I have been know to walk strangely and move strangely when my anxiety has taken me over. Its sort of a cross between a 'question mark' and a 'Stepford Wife'. (As portrayed in the movie).
Buster, if I had hit my head, I would be obsessing about my head thinking what damage has been caused?
I actually think my head has had it's maximum hits in a lifetime............
As a baby I used to bang my head against the cot to get attention.
I got knocked out by a cricket ball at my Junior School.
I ran in to an open window at School that had a metal surround and had a bump the size of a ping pong ball.
I've hit my head several times on the table when on all fours hovering under it.
Only a short while a go I banged it on my neighbours wooden post box when she asked me to take in her post while on holiday.
I have been hit by lampposts when I used to walk backwards as a kid.
I had a picture fall on my head when I was trying out a chair in a charity shop which left me unable to lie down on my head for 3 days.
I ran in to my mum's kitchen cupboard door when I was running to her aid, which turned out to something quite menial.
And my cat has head butted me on many occasions as a sign of affection. :scared15:
No, I am all out of head banging. How much hurt can a head take? :ohmy:
---------- Post added at 22:46 ---------- Previous post was at 22:40 ----------
We've done it again! :wacko: Posting at the same time.
I think if you wear that t.shirt, you may find a lot of people will either walk around you or take you by your arm. :D
I still can't work out if the crocks are a joke , and it's an insulator you want not a conductor unless you are Blakey in on the buses :roflmao:
There was rattling after I hit my head there may well be a screw loose , as kid I did a back somersault at the pool and clipped my head on the side , the pool attendant rubbbed my bloody head and said you're ok go home , so I got on my Raleigh Chopper rode home where my mum freaked out at me covered in blood and took me to get my head stiched up , can you imagine that now ? She'd take me to a solicitors first to make a blame claim :roflmao: there could be somthing in all those bangs to the head .
and it's an insulator you want not a conductor unless you are Blakey in on the buses
Well there you go Buster. Goes to show I've been doing it all wrong! :D
The 'Crocs' are definitely not a joke. Don't knock it until you have tried it.
When you are frightened of something, you'd be surprised what people do to make themselves feel safe. :wacko:
I still can't work out if the crocks are a joke , and it's an insulator you want not a conductor unless you are Blakey in on the buses :roflmao:
There was rattling after I hit my head there may well be a screw loose , as kid I did a back somersault at the pool and clipped my head on the side , the pool attendant rubbbed my bloody head and said you're ok go home , so I got on my Raleigh Chopper rode home where my mum freaked out at me covered in blood and took me to get my head stiched up , can you imagine that now ? She'd take me to a solicitors first to make a blame claim :roflmao: there could be somthing in all those bangs to the head .I never did get a chopper Buster, I was bought a racing bike instead. If you remember chopper bikes you can't be far off my age buddy.
Does anyone want to join a monastery? Lots of praying on my knees...oh hang on, sounds like I'm already doing that :unsure:
Do you ever get mornings when you wake up in a grumpy mood and have no idea why? :unsure: Well, I had one of those today.
I'm not even a grumpy sort of person, but every thing seem to annoy me today.
Maybe it was my dream state or my frustration in fighting anxiety.
I'm also a very patient person and I didn't seem to have an ounce of that either today.
If I could rewind the day and wake up to birdsong and calm and endearing thoughts, then I would. I'm no good to anyone in this frame of mind. :shrug:
Getting back to the t.shirt idea. I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference advertising the fact that you have anxiety or suffer with panic attacks. People just don't get it unless they have experienced it.
Take my partner, who was diagnosed with a form of anxiety. He suffers with restless leg syndrome, he has never had a panic attack and he doesn't have health anxiety, he doesn't fear anything and has experienced very little in the way of symptoms.
Although he is very sympathetic and understanding with my anxiety and symptoms, he really doesn't understand how this affects me and the way I feel.
I try to explain that the fear of having a panic attack is so strong that it can prevent you from doing certain tasks. He asks me how it feels.
"Well, you feel like you are going to die", I said.
"But, you didn't and it just turned out to be anxiety", he replied.
"Yes, you know that after the event, but at the time, you feel so unwell and feel like something terrible is about to happen to the point that you might die".
Although he listened empathetically, I could tell he didn't really understand it's whys and wherefores.
He doesn't understand why I can't suddenly walk down the street, speak to someone, go out on my own or drive a car.
How can he, I don't understand it myself.:shrug:
I can have 3 good days and then a rough day.
I have proved that I can go to a neighbours house for tea and sit amongst ten people, but a week later, I can't seem to converse with one person and look them in the eye.
I have read numerous books, tried an array of exercises and methods, rested for days on end, learned new things, had check-ups that have come back with good results, but there is still no explanation for a panic attack or feelings of fear when there plainly is no need for either.
I'm by far a weak person. I have had to contend with many major catastrophes and had to fight my own battles, but when it comes to anxiety, for me, it's by far the biggest battle I have ever met.
Before, you think, "Is she giving up?"
No, I am not. I will continue my quest to fight, learn, re-adjust and hopefully gain back control and understand Anxiety so I know it inside and out.
I'm working on my fears. I even removed a spider yesterday. I'm spending more time on my own and I socialising more and going to places that I thought I would never be able to go. It takes all my strength and courage to do any of these things.
But, don't expect someone to understand you, who has never experienced any of this.
They just don't get it!
Until next time..........
I think everyone gets that got out of the wrong side of the bed feeling some days , when I get it everything p&@£es me off , even little things like can't find my keys or dropping things , I feel like I'll explode, Bang Splat :D
My partner doesn't understand me either , she's Chinese :roflmao: if I had to describe anxiety I'd say someone pointing a gun at your head with one bullet and repeatedly pulling the trigger all day and night , and depression to me feels like having a heavy wet warm blanket draped over you , everything becomes dull dark and heavy and sluggish, the thing they have in common is all other emotions disappear it's almost impossible to take any enjoyment from anything it's all just focused on the one feeling .
So here's question carnation on your fear of thunderstorms, have you ever met anyone who's been struck or had their house struck ? I haven't , there are much bigger dangers we don't give a second thought , but then I've had panics in a shop queue and I'm sure I'm pretty safe , it makes no sense.
You might be having a bad day or two but I still think you are on the right track , some of the anxiety is your personality it's who you are , I'd be happy to just be in control of the anxiety instead of it being in control of me .
Tatty bye :D
if I had to describe anxiety I'd say someone pointing a gun at your head with one bullet and repeatedly pulling the trigger all day and night
That's a pretty good description. One of many! :ohmy:
As for 'Thunderstorms', well yes!
I knew a woman whose husband got struck by lightning, my parents house got struck twice and a local shop in our Town got struck twice. That's why I turn ALL the electrics off when one is coming. :scared15:
I know the odds of getting hit are extremely slim, but so is a ceiling falling down in a house and that's happened to me too!:scared15:
Hence, being on alert ALL of the time!
My grumpiness was gone this morning, but it had turned in to an emotional blob of crying and sadness. I felt weighed down and had to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get dressed. Then I did something that I probably shouldn't have done in the mood I was in. I got the photos out of mum and it just made me worse. It was like a water tap and splodges were falling on the photos and as soon as I wiped them from the picture, more and more followed.
BUT! Strangely I felt better after that. It may have been what I needed.
I decided to give myself a major task today and Mr C joined me in a massive clear out of clutter that we have collected and shoved to the back of the wardrobes and cupboards. We have 6 bags for charity so far and still going strong.
Why is de-cluttering so satisfying?
I also swept my neighbours lane. She thinks Mr C does it and thanks him when she sees him. I let him take the glory and snigger inside as she probably thinks I am too weak to be doing such a task. :noangel:
However, after I had done all of this, I felt panicky that I had done too much and went back to walking like a 'question mark'. Why is that?
One minute I am shovelling sh*t and humping heavy bags and then I am all weak and fearful. :shrug:
I have also found out recently that walking with folded arms seems to steady me and keep me more upright. The downside to this of course is with the feeling of falling you then have your arms all tied up and tangled and it looks pretty silly doing this in the High Street.
But it does help indoors or when someone stops you to talk or waiting in a queue.
I read that if you place your hands over the heart area, it has a calming affect.
I've done this many times, especially at night when you feel a bit anxious and I think it works. So, maybe the folding of arms is a way of calming.
Until next time...........
Carnation thank you for posting your journey with anxiety and such, I too, have it on a daily basis, and man the panic and anxiety attacks are the worst. I am new to this forum. I enjoy reading your blog.
That's a pretty good description. One of many! :ohmy:
As for 'Thunderstorms', well yes!
I knew a woman whose husband got struck by lightning, my parents house got struck twice and a local shop in our Town got struck twice. That's why I turn ALL the electrics off when one is coming. :scared15:
I know the odds of getting hit are extremely slim, but so is a ceiling falling down in a house and that's happened to me too!:scared15:
Hence, being on alert ALL of the time!
My grumpiness was gone this morning, but it had turned in to an emotional blob of crying and sadness. I felt weighed down and had to drag myself out of bed and force myself to get dressed. Then I did something that I probably shouldn't have done in the mood I was in. I got the photos out of mum and it just made me worse. It was like a water tap and splodges were falling on the photos and as soon as I wiped them from the picture, more and more followed.
BUT! Strangely I felt better after that. It may have been what I needed.
I decided to give myself a major task today and Mr C joined me in a massive clear out of clutter that we have collected and shoved to the back of the wardrobes and cupboards. We have 6 bags for charity so far and still going strong.
Why is de-cluttering so satisfying?
I also swept my neighbours lane. She thinks Mr C does it and thanks him when she sees him. I let him take the glory and snigger inside as she probably thinks I am too weak to be doing such a task. :noangel:
However, after I had done all of this, I felt panicky that I had done too much and went back to walking like a 'question mark'. Why is that?
One minute I am shovelling sh*t and humping heavy bags and then I am all weak and fearful. :shrug:
I have also found out recently that walking with folded arms seems to steady me and keep me more upright. The downside to this of course is with the feeling of falling you then have your arms all tied up and tangled and it looks pretty silly doing this in the High Street.
But it does help indoors or when someone stops you to talk or waiting in a queue.
I read that if you place your hands over the heart area, it has a calming affect.
I've done this many times, especially at night when you feel a bit anxious and I think it works. So, maybe the folding of arms is a way of calming.
Until next time...........
Bugger , I was counting on you not knowing anyone who'd been struck by lightning but now I can see where the fear comes from ( learned behaviour) but then why is one of my dogs terrified of thunder ? She doesn't know hey the hell it is , do you know we are only born with two fears , loud noises and falling we learn the rest .
Felt rotten today but still got up at 5.30 to go car booting , saw a fender broadcaster but somthing was very fishy either fake , stolen or he just wanted to wind people up with it , put it this way he wouldn't give me a price maybe he wanted someone smaller to rip off .
I'd say I'm about 2 inches shorter today with the weight of the world :D been breathing weird all day and tensed up like coiled spring , now my whole body hurts , my daughters car is knackered so Ive got to get on to the dealer that sold it her and I'm not looking forward to the confrontation.
Having a good cry is a great release I could do with one myself but boys don't cry ( except in the shower when no ones looking ) .
Get straightened up tomorrow like an exclamation mark , put on some slap and get out maybe down that beach , I'd love to ( not the slap obviously) , get that attitude like I f**king own this beach :D
Fish , I'm a bit younger I'd be on the mk2 Chopper you'd be on the mk1 , I'm a real anorak on vintage bicycles choppers or racers .
Hi to anyone looking in on carnations thread :welcome:
Buster, I have far too much learned behaviour. And I wonder why I have anxiety?!? :wacko: That's interesting about fears we are born with. Noise is definitely a trigger for me.
Since the car crash 4 years ago, I jump at every bang, knock, smash and even the little things around the house. Mr C compares me to the character that 'Catherine Tate' plays of a woman that jumps out of her skin when the toast pops out of the toaster and her husband turns a page of his newspaper or moves his chair and she jumps out of her skin. That's me!!!! :scared15:
Mr C finds it hysterical and now he will joke about and say to me, "I am now closing the wardrobe door", or "I'm shutting the car door now".
No kidding, I physically jump and scream and it's very embarrassing when we are out and this happens.
Well done for getting up at 5.30am. What an ungodly hour that is.
I hope it was worth it. You've certainly got to watch the dodgy dealers.
I'm not surprised you are stressed and obviously that will affect your breathing.
Remember to sing. If you are singing then you are breathing correctly.
It's a good way to reassure yourself everything is not as bad as it seems.
The beach is too cold Buster and I gave up the slap many years ago.
Now it's just a case of filling in the cracks and trying to make my face look like it has some natural colour. :D
So, no grumpiness today and no weeping, but I did oversleep. :ohmy:
I also have those nippy pains in the head, but that might be because I had a minor attack from midges in the garden. Who knows? I've had worse.
It gets like that sometimes. You can't worry about every little twitch, pain, mark or symptom. It would take all day and all my energy.
Mr C and I did the string test today. String test?
Apparently if you use a piece of string the length of your body and then fold it in half and wrap it around you stomach. If the string doesn't meet than that's how much you should lose around you tummy. Mine was a little out, but Mr C's was well off the scale. :ohmy: Try telling him that he can't have any more apple pie. :huh:
So, it's going to turn cold again. That's typical. As soon as I pack away the woollies, I need them again. Always happens. Like the days I don't take a brolly. So now the boot is packed with brolly, sunhat, blanket and not forgetting the woolly.
Not really done much today and I hate that. I feel I must achieve something in my day. That has to be good sign. Not that long ago, my achievement was getting out of bed, getting washed and dressed and eating something.
It's good to have goals, but workable ones. No matter how small.
You can then turn around and say to yourself, "I did this today". :)
Until next time..........
It does tickle me the idea of you and mr c rattling round your house bouncing off each like a pinball machine , ting ting ding ting :D it's the same round ours , for 16 stone bloke I'm very light on my feet , I walk in and she's got the radio on and vac going so I cough , rattle my keys a bit bang my feet a little , then she turns screems the bloody house down and makes me jump , and im like " what the hell am I supposed to do wear a cow bell and spurs ? I hate loud shouting a few dog walkers do it while they join me and I always question why they bother their dogs take no notice like mine but I just let them get on with it .
Got a feeling I'd fail the string test miserably, I'm like mr c I wouldn't reach over a piece of cake to grab an apple .
Been feeling really bad the stress is taking its toll on mind body and soul I just hurt all over , so today's task my daughters car has been confirmed as fubar , I found it for her 5 months ago at a dealers , she's had nothing but problems so we looked into her rights , and I couldn't let her deal with it so I had to go and see the dealer , she rang first and he gave her hard time then agreed to discuss it , driving there my chest was tighter than an Essex girls hair bobble , I could hardly breath but she's my daughter and need to protect her , when I got there in a small office the fear pretty much went I'd done my home work , I knew more about the engine problems than he did and I knew we had six months to take it back and get it sorted , it's been five months , I did all the talking and we came to a deal he's buying the car back but we agreed to knock some off as she's driven it for 5 months , so a deal everyone could live with , came away feeling good I hadn't bottled it , if I hadn't gone and left her to it I'd be putting on the boxing gloves to beat myself up for at least a week .
So do you get this where your mind is so occupied with worry that your hands seem to just do their own thing and you catch up later , tonight I was going for a shower but thinking about other things , I pick up some clothes and my shaver and head to the bath room, I look in the mirror at the ugly mug starring back I sigh and lift up my shaver , in my hand is the tv remote :doh: and no shaver insight , my brain is no longer in charge.:D
Well done Buster!!!!:yesyes:
I know how hard that was for you to travel to the car dealer and confront the bloke.
And you came out with a result.
I also know how exhausted something like that can be.
But, like you say, she is your daughter and you would probably climb mountains for her. Well, you did in a way, because with anxiety, what you did today must have felt like it. Your daughter must be proud of you. :)
So do you get this where your mind is so occupied with worry that your hands seem to just do their own thing and you catch up later , tonight I was going for a shower but thinking about other things , I pick up some clothes and my shaver and head to the bath room, I look in the mirror at the ugly mug starring back I sigh and lift up my shaver , in my hand is the tv remote :doh: and no shaver insight , my brain is no longer in charge.:biggrin:
Yes, I have done stuff like that. Not a shaver, I'm not that hairy yet. :D
But, running on auto pilot and then I look at my hands and think, "Why have I got this in my hands and where am I going?"
The most common one for me is glasses resting on the top of my head.
Can't find them anywhere. Seriously can not feel them on my head at all and it's only when I pass a mirror that I realise they are there. :doh:
I've put deodorant on my hair and hairspray under my arms.
My kitchen has to be 'together' for my autopilot days. Plus I have a little OCD and tins have to be lined up like soldiers with their faces out on show. And as I was in catering, the fridge has strict ruling for health and hygiene, which Mr C never follows.
Raw meat at the bottom, cooked meat above, everything wrapped or covered.
What does Mr C do? Takes a bite out of a choc bar and puts it back with wrapper hanging off or takes a chunk out of cake and puts back in to the fridge bearing teeth marks. :mad:
You body aches, because of the worry and woe you carry on your shoulders.
As I was told many a time. You can only put one foot in front of the other and plod your way through one thing at a time.
I know the 'finances' are a major worry for you at the moment and the stuff that goes around it. For the time being, you have to keep it together.
Unfortunately it is a waiting game and a praying game too.
I'm keeping everything crossed for you that you will have a good result. :hugs:
Today didn't have a good start for me. :(
I just couldn't get off to sleep and I've not had this for a long time now.
There was nothing in particular, apart from my brain!!!! :mad:
I was worrying about all sort of stuff from my health to why a friend hadn't phoned me lately. Then I started to fixate about my partner's health, which then turned on to the cat and worried that I hadn't got his booster done on time.
My mind just wouldn't stop.
Then I got a pain in my groin area and was convinced my arteries was clogged.
Then my head started hurting with little nippy pains and I couldn't get comfortable.
The pillow was too hot, my arms were too cold. My legs were getting tangled, because I kept tossing from one side to the other. And I look over to Mr C, snoring his head off with the cat doing the same in between his feet.
4.30am I eventually got off and then I couldn't wake up and slept in again. :ohmy:
I hate not getting enough sleep. It affects my anxiety and I become even more fearful of everything I do. Not to be beaten, I went about my daily chores and after a break in the rain, went in to Town.
It was soooo cold. Back in the coat, boots and scarf again.
What's happening to the British weather? :shrug: Last week I was in a t.shirt, the week before a coat and now I am back in a coat again.
Well I'm now off to bed to try and catch up with my sleep.
Hopefully, my brain will let me.
Until next time............
I think you're both amazing, if that's ok to say. Buster, that was very brave of you, putting yourself in the firing line to secure your daughter a good deal. I'm hoping she recognises what you do for her.
Carnation, that string test. I would fail it abysmally but I am losing weight by cutting out the rubbish so there's hope for me yet. I won't say how much I weigh as I don't know because our talking scales keep saying 'one at a time please'. Luckily my 6ft 3 frame can carry it off but I can't use that as an excuse.
I seem to be getting up when you are going to sleep carnation ,5.30 again this morning off to a sale again , it's going to kill or cure me , it was bloody freezing ,dark and wet but surprisingly I didn't get flustered , chatted to strangers ( I know stranger danger ) made a few people laugh along the way , the wheezing and coughing was worse in the damp im pretty sure the doc was right it's down to reflux and asthma but right now I have bigger problems .im also paranoid a mate has fallen out with me we did a deal a while back that I didn't come out of too well and I'm not sure if he thinks I'm unhappy about it but I haven't seen or heard from him since , we go way back .
My daughter bought me chips and chocolate orange so I guess she's happy I dealt with it although I have been saying to her and partner stop feeding me I need to lose weight and stop eating crap because of the reflux , she said I have no will power I said "you have no willpower to stop bloody feeding me , so now I test her , if she's going out I say are you passing the bakery ? She'll go yeah do you want somthing? I go yeah I want you to stop giving me diabetes :roflmao: she just keeps falling for it .
Let me know fish when you have bit less on your plate ( excuse the pun) and we can encourage each other to lose some weight .
I'm soooooooooooooooooo tired , I actually yawned typing that .
Byeeeee .
fishman, I'm not amazing, just a fighting survivor. :D
Buster, as you know, I get reflux which has me in bouts of coughing. Coupled with my sinuses, I rarely get through the day without a coughing fit. :(
Can you not contact your mate? Maybe he is scared to phone you as he might think you are annoyed. If you go back a long way, a small upset will not damage your relationship. You don't know either what's going on in his life.
'Chips and Chocolate Orange' would make me real sick. She's real proud of you Buster. :)
Pleased to say that my pain in the groin turned out to be wind. :blush:
I remember my therapist telling me this to help with health anxiety.
If you have a pain, say for instance a headache. First think of the absolute worse scenario, then change that thought to a more plausible one like, being hungry, being cold or being tired. The same with stomach pains. First the worst scenario and then the more plausible. Hungry, overeating, wind?
I forget sometimes to apply this to my own brain. :doh:
I had a good night's sleep last night. :) Do I feel better? Well, of course I do.
When you do have a bad night, the panic sets in that you won't sleep the following night and then you become anxious about sleep as a whole and it spirals out of control. The best thing is just to go to bed and not expect anything.
I find reading the best thing for becoming sleepy and relaxed.
Or a nice warm drink made with milk.
Out again today. :) I'm actually becoming anxious about getting out now.
I nearly plucked up the courage to drive, but didn't want to push myself too hard too soon. I'm also becoming more confident with going in and out of shops and chatting to people. I do keep getting my words all mixed up though. (Brain goes in to fourth gear, when the mouth is still in first).
I must learn to slow down when speaking. People look at me strangely when I start talking a load of gobbled de gook. :wacko:
It's now been 5 months since my relapse and I feeling like I want to do more stuff now. My trips to neighbours for tea and braving a Sunday pub lunch and venturing to new and unfamiliar places has paid off. If I am alive, then I want to experience living.
Just the thought of spending day in, day out indoors makes me feel like I am just existing and that is not good for the soul.
I know there are some that going out is just too scary, but once you pass that hurdle of venturing in to the big wide world, it's best to keep that going.
If I get a bit shaky or blurry eyed, I keep going and it eventually dissipates. :)
Until next time..........
I was thinking this morning; I do a lot of that. :D
I stop wearing certain things when they have been related to a bad day or should I say, 'Panic Attack'. This is avoidance and because I have had so many bad days, it relates to a lot of stuff. :ohmy:
It's the same with places, food, people and almost anything that the brain wants to remind you of. Eventually, I could run out of stuff! :ohmy:
Over a period of time, I am going to tackle these.
I've already done the eggs and nothing bad happened to me that day.
It actually turned out to be a reasonable day.
So, I'll keep you posted about my challenge.
I had a plodding day today. Nothing planned, but went to the Care Home and visited Mr C's mum and not realised that today was a Church Service day with prayers.
I don't know why, but I got chatting to the lady that held the service; do you call them priestesses or vicaress? I have no idea. Anyway, we were chatting for about half an hour and I did my usual talking a load of gobbled de kook and then she mentioned that her daughter goes for meditation walks. "Ah, Mindfulness!", I said. Well, that got me going even more and the poor lady couldn't get away from me. :wacko:
You'd laugh, because it was then me giving a lecture to this woman about how important it was to live in the present and help other people and the meaning of life and sorts of stuff that was popping in to my brain. I'm quite surprised she didn't ask me to hold the next service, I really don't know what came over me. :wacko:
After she left, I then turned in to some sort of comedienne.
I started entertaining the residents with funny stories and things that happened to me in the past. I had a captive audience, poor things, couldn't leave, some couldn't move and others were asleep. I was so exhausted by the time I left there and I am still have no idea what came over me today. It was like I had been locked up and then let out on loose. :shrug:
We're in for a cold, wet and windy night tonight. Not my favourite mix at all.
This normally keeps me awake, but I am going to take my own advice and make a nice warm milk drink, read something in bed and then do some muscle relaxing.
This is where you clench every muscle in the body from head to toe and clench and release, clench and release, until you run out of muscles.
I used this method when my sleeping was very bad and I was up all hours of the night. It does work and it is good for the muscles.
Don't knock it until you have tried it. :D
Until next time...........
I'm not sure why maybe the planets were aligned or a full moon but today anxiety seemed to give me the day off, woke up not too bad ok I never gets full nights sleep but felt quiet good , took the dogs out nipped to buy some screws to a make a new back gate , had a joke with a chap in a wheel chair about getting punctures as I was dropping screws all over wilkos floor , he came back with it's ok I'm with the AA , I said what you going to look like strapped to the back a of a recovery truck , he had no legs but still had a sense of humour so I'm pretty sure we are allowed to laugh occasionally :roflmao: like your captive audience.:D
Took a drive to pick something up for my van , 60 mile round trip singing away and not stressed even when the satnav took me to the wrong place and made me late , driving back I got a great feeling of being almost normal again , I felt like putting my head out of the window like a dog in the wind . Got home and made a gate fixed the fence , all good like a normal human being , even the dogs behaved while out , it might not last but I enjoyed it for what it was a good day .
I tried your string test and I may be under weight , ok I used elastic instead of string but it did stretch twice around me so Ive treated myself to a small ish piece of cake a glass of rum and a can of bitter , I am bad to the bone :D
Full moon today Buster. That will explain a lot. Has any hair appeared on the backs of your hands? :wacko: Joking apart, isn't great when you get days when you feel completely normal and everything goes ok? Life without cake? Now that's a real downer. :ohmy:
I managed to sleep through that horrific weather last night and no trees fallen. :yesyes:
Decided not to even brave going out today, so caught up on jobs indoors.
I'm actually more worn out from staying in. :ohmy:
Unfortunately, I just spent a good hour writing my post and for whatever reason, it just disappeared!!!! :mad: It's one of the few occasions I did not save and only ended up with the small paragraph above. :(
I can never remember what I have written, because it's like conversation; you only remember bits. So I will catch up tomorrow.
Until then....
Glad you survived that horrendous weather and it's May 1st today so hopefully we are finally seeing the last dregs of the bad stuff!
So frustrating when you lose your post, especially after spending a lot of time composing it. Hope you have a good day today xx
Thanks Pulisa, hope you are feeling a bit better today too. x
It's like I have a different garden today. Plants have grown a month in one day! :)
My garden is a bit of a wilderness but I am enjoying my camellia which is in full bloom at the moment. My cerise rhododendron is normally flowering in the first week of May but the buds have only just appeared. Another rainy day today and then better weather on the way!
Same here Pulisa. Camelia in bloom, but no sign of Rhodo's flowers. The yellow broom got blown to smithereens as did the blossom tree, which had only been in bloom for five days. Such a shame.
But have some plants that I didn't see last year, like forget-me-nots, which is a favourite of mine. Reminds me of my gran. :)
Well, it's been a few days since I have blogged my recovery/life!
I had a bad fight with my partner two nights ago, which I won't go in to, but it has now resolved itself.
I hate fighting and it's normally over something which can easily be resolved, but we ended up in different rooms and not speaking, which is also something I don't relish.
It affects my anxiety and I hate the bad atmosphere.
However, once talking again and apologies made, it always seems better than before.
We have been through so much together, to hell and back several times, so we both know we are solid in our partnership. :)
So, what's been happening?
I had an extremely busy day today. I have been out and about for almost 8 hours!
We did our shop for the bank holiday weekend. A visit to the Care home and looked after a neighbour who is dependant on care who had been let down by his normal carer. I got my normal 2 mile walk in and finished the day with fish and chips. :)
That all sounds pretty mundane and probably normal.
But not for someone who is fighting anxiety and panic everyday, so it's like comparing it to a marathon run or going rock climbing.
Every task takes a huge amount of effort, courage and strong will.
Over the last few days, I've had a lunch out and managed to stay calm and focussed, waited in several queues in shops, stood still in the street while chatting to someone, walked without stopping to check my heartbeat/breathing and balance, kept eye contact when all the time I am thinking the person is judging my wellness and stopped freaking out every time I have a hot flush.
I actually find myself begging Mr C to go out now and making plans for new places to visit or things to do. (When you spend weeks indoors cradling your delicate body and mind, you want to make up for lost time when you cross that bridge of recovery). :)
Now, for more positive thoughts.
I am planning some new visits over the weekend and maybe the tiniest drive.
I also want to start some form of exercise.
It is good for the brain as well as the body. What yet, I don't know, but it won't be running or hand-gliding. :D I'm thinking of more bike riding or pilates.
I've been thinking of getting a bike for sometime now and it may give me more confidence.
Changing the subject, yet again. I have always been a great believer in getting what you wish for. Well, be careful with that, because I was talking to Mr C about getting a dog, that I have wanted to do for a long, long time and obviously it may help me with my anxiety as well as giving a dog a good home. So, you do the thing of looking through breeds of dogs, deciding what breed, what you are suited to and all that searching stuff and the next morning I went out, we bumped in to a family who happened to be carrying a shopping basket with a puppy pug in it. Oh my, what a cutie. The family had just had a litter and they were looking for a home for the last puppy. Now, I am not an impulse person, but we are thinking about this and exchanged numbers. I don't jump in to anything lightly, but this puppy looked at me with the most adoring eyes, which followed me around the room. So, we have a big decision to make. :ohmy:
Now, a few days ago I mentioned facing up to those things that we avoid because they gave us bad memories or avoidance because of the fear aspect.
One of these things was clothes.
I have now decided to chuck these items out of my life, not for avoidance reasons, but because I thought about it and feel that I need a fresh start and feel that a jumper I wore on a panic attack day doesn't need to be in my life anymore.
Whatever I wear, whether it is leggings and pumps when I am around the house, or a nice top and jeans; I want to feel good and comfortable.
Feeling comfortable is the essence here. If I don't feel comfortable, it affects my walking, my communication, my energy and my thoughts. So, out they have gone! :yesyes:
My words to you today is to never give up!
If you are alive, then there is hope.
If you can move and do things, then you can do more.
Age is only a number, not a sentence.
Wherever you are or whatever you are doing, there is always someone close by to help you if you need it.
When you are ill, you can get better and stronger.
If you help someone, you are helping yourself at the same time.
Smile, and it feeds your brain with good cells. :)
Until next time.........
What are you going to call your new pug puppy, Carnation?:D
I predict a whole new way of life opening up before you! xx
Senior Moment
04-05-18, 10:21
Hi Carnation. Enjoyed reading your post today and the positivity you talked about. I am improving slowly and doing a lot more around the house every day. I have been out with my daughter a few times, but in no way am I confident to venture out alone yet. My next goal is to spend time pottering in my garden, because last year I was unable to even sit in the garden unless I had company. So, best foot forward, and I am going to give it a go this year !! My most frustrating symptom is the "unbalanced feeling" which makes me nervous of falling when alone. I hope that passes or at least improves soon. Carry on your good work Carnation,and take care. SM x
Well if it's a bike or a dog you want I can help on both , bought ten bikes the other day , all those trendy bikes the fake hipsters ride around London that's my area of expertise, I'd have you down as a vintage Dutch loop frame bike with a wicker basket and Cath kidston floral designs :) as for the dog I have a white come black one that you can have for free :roflmao: seriously be carful if you are getting a dog there are so many puppy farmed dogs from abroad being sold , rescue dogs are the best they need a home , Labradors are pretty laid back .
So here's my day in a nutshell , woke up at 5 , took kids to school, grandson walked up to me just as the bell was going with his hand out he'd put it in bird shite brown and gooey , I get out a tissue and start wiping and he starts heaving so I'm going no don't be sick and his sister is pis**ng herself, so off to nursery and I ask the teacher can I was his hands " oh has he been eating sweets on the way to school ?" " no he's put his hand in bird sh** that's not bloody chocolate " :D .
Next walk the dogs ,go and see mum , get some work done , pick up lado from nursery , more work , race lado down the street several times on a push bike , more work , eat left over kids sandwiches, more work , walk dogs again, nip to chippy , more work , stop and breathe aaahhhhhhh .
My tip for today is if you are in a rush and fancy an ice lollie don't just stick it in your mouth straight out of the freezer it will stick to your lips and when you finally lick it off it takes a bit of your lips with it as I learnt today :D
Off to the market in the morning at 5.30 can't bloody wait , maybe this will be the making of me.
Hi Pulisa, I haven't decided on the pug yet. I have to do about a week's research and by then it will probably have gone. I'm not really up on dogs, more of a cat person.
As for a name, I like the idea of how the Red Indians name their children after the first thing they see. (That leaves Buster wide open for one of his quips. :D)
I think the bike will realistically be the first purchase and I will give that a name as I have done with the cars in my life. :) x
Buster, they sound like 'Mountain Bikes'?
Defo, don't like 'Cath Kidston' or that 'Laura Ashley' stuff. More 'Calamity Jane'. :D
I know about those breeders Buster and all our animals have been rescued, mainly by us!
I note you had a quiet day then? :D
Seriously, if you are getting up at 5.30am, then you need to be in bed by ten?
Don't burn yourself out Buster, there's too many people that depend on you.
My advice today is to wear comfortable shoes. If your shoes are too tight, slipping, worn out soles, too high, too flat, then you will obsess about how your walking is not right. I have two types of footwear. Boots or flip-flops. Trouble is, it's too hot for boots and too cold for flip-flops. :shrug:
Senior Moment, I often think of you and wonder how you are doing.
As you know, you are not alone on the 'being alone' fear.
I was so bad that I could not even be left indoors alone as Pulisa will know when my partner had to go to London one day. I'm actually a bit better outdoors, than in.
This is something I am working on a step at a time.
I find the garden the easiest place as there is enough to keep me occupied.
The only thing I am fearful of there is getting stung!!!
I managed to transport a wasp in to the kitchen today. :scared15: It landed on my top, probably mistook the flower print for real flowers. If I had known at the time, I would have found the energy for a quick sprint waving my hands in the air screaming, "Help!".
I did my flower pots today. It might be a touch early, but I am sick of seeing them empty and eager to see some colour. I always forget how exhausting gardening is and I was quite out of breath.
Senior Moment, the 'unbalanced feeling' has no warning sometimes.
Take a couple of days ago. I only had to go to the Post Office and I was a nervous wreck, staring at the floor as I was walking, no eye contact, feeling my face getting hotter and hotter and I was only there for a mere ten minutes.
The next day I am out for 8 hours, in and out of several shops, carrying bags of shopping, bumping in to people for chats and I was fine.
I find a lot is to do with how well you sleep the night before.
I haven't been out on my own for over 2 years now. :ohmy:
But, it's not just that. It has to be my partner I am with, I couldn't be with just anyone. It needs to be someone I trust and knows me and my anxiety.
If I lived near to you, we could have helped each other, but we will have to settle with words online. x
Coping tips for hot flushes..........
Don't run away from them, they go with you and will keep coming if you react to them.
Don't wear Polyester/viscose, wear cotton.
Carry on with whatever you are doing, it will pass in seconds.
Drink plenty of fluids, preferably water.
Don't rush around, take your time in what ever you doing.
Don't check yourself in the mirror, this will only make you panic more.
Until next time...........
Whete do you find your strength from Carnation? When youve had an anxiety fuelled day or night? Thats if you still have them?
Partner wanted to go out today and straight away i panicked thinking im here on my own
Will i be ok. I got angry with myself then and thought your bloody 60 woman pull yourself together. I said id go do bit in garden as i felt guilty then
Anyway he decided he wouldnt go(which i secretly was happy about) and i plucked the courage up and went to my sisters with him(not good in socialable situations) but was ok
Maybe help of diazepam though. Ive come back and feel s.. again , nearly tea time and i know it may be s case of forcing it down as ive got that nausea feeling i get when anxiety is higher and feeling overwhelmed and bit tired. Cant decide wether to get out in garden or relax
So got to the market this morning eyes barely open , a few shallow breaths later and unlike everyone else walking on tarmac I felt like I was walking on mattresses ( do you get that feeling ) mentally told it to sod off and it soon did , carried on quite normally, later had to go view a car with daughter , as soon as I got there I thought car dealer posing as private seller he was a big cocky looking chap but I didn't feel fazed surprising given some days I would barely be breathing , so asked him a few questions my daughter had already asked and got different answers , also asked where he lived as he was waiting on the street and the log book didn't match , he was lying through his teeth so said we didn't want it , daughter thanked me on the way home saying she found him very intimidating and pushy so was glad she didn't have to deal with him , no car but not ripped off either .
I would not go with naming the dog after the first thing you see partly because they usually disgrace them selves on the way home and more importantly because what ever you choose you and mr c will be shouting it for the next 12 to 16 years ooooo tinker bell will soon ware thin , dogs all have very different personalities so ideally you should wait a year to see what suits them but in that case mine would be called Scrounger , whinny and OI!! :roflmao:
Maybe there is a good side to what's going on in my life it's pushing me out of my comfort zone which I do need , better to burn out not fade away .
Sorry I got your push bike all wrong I'll rethink it ,more steampunk rock chick than Mary poppings .:noangel:
Walking on mattresses Buster, that's a familiar sensation. I felt exactly that the other morning when I woke, only to find I actually was walking on a mattress :shades:
The dog naming Carnation...I know a joke about native American indians and giving names based on the first thing seen when the wigwam is opened, though probably not repeatable here :blush:
Hi Clio :),
Yes, I do still have anxiety, but I am controlling and coping with it better.
It does take tremendous strength and determination and to a point, a 'No Fear' attitude.
I know that feeling so well when you are suddenly deserted and left alone and you start to feel panicky, before anything has actually happened.
I only get through it by keeping occupied and having lots of chores to do, which I plough through until I have no energy left!
The thought of just sitting and relaxing when I am on my own, is nearer enough impossible for me, but I am working on it, bit by bit.
I think when you can not decide whether to go in the garden or relax or do a chore indoors, the best thing is to what you actually want to do and feel like doing at the time. Don't force anything too severely. Half the battle in overcoming the fear is the 'Wanting' to do something, not because you have to or think you should, you have to 'Want' to do it. :)
---------- Post added at 23:04 ---------- Previous post was at 22:25 ----------
Buster, yes I do get that feeling! 'walking on a mattress'.
Also, walking on a boat, walking on a fluffy cloud, a moving conveyor belt, bouncy castle, the list is endless, but it all means the same feeling.
I feel my feet are sometimes behind my body and that feeling when they feel heavy like I am wearing bricks for soles in my shoes.
The most comforting aspect to all of this, is we all feel the same things and we all have anxiety. Because you do feel like you are losing it and feel like the only one at the time.
I'm going to nick name you 'Ninja' Buster.:D You seem to be bulldozing your way through thick and thin at the moment. Maybe we will see you on 'Ninja Warrior'. I love that show. It's hilarious and gives me courage to walk outside when they have to battle all of those apparatus things. Especially love the run up to the high wall at the end. To me, it resembles Anxiety!!
I'm a mixed up bag Buster, I am a bit Mary Poppins, Steampunk, (ageing) Rock Chick, Wonder Woman; just call me 'Heinz', because I'm all mixed up! :D
Well done on the car thing. :yesyes:
---------- Post added at 23:05 ---------- Previous post was at 23:04 ----------
fishman, I know that joke about the Native American Indian, but I am too much of a lady to comment. :blush:
---------- Post added at 23:36 ---------- Previous post was at 23:05 ----------
So, what's been occurring with me?
Yesterday we went to the beach and finished off decked on the Pier.
The Pier is like walking on a mattress for real! A big test for my anxiety with all those wooden slats and gaps and water slashing against and underneath me.
It's a real test to stay focussed and put one foot in front of the other and aim for your destination; like off the pier!
Got too hot, started panicking about sun stroke and made a quick exit for a '99 cornet, which I thoroughly enjoyed. :D
Did some gardening today and could hear my heart beating in my ear every time I lent forward. Ignored it and carried on and didn't die.
Got bitten by two knats. Not together and not in the same place.:mad:
Plucked up the courage to ask our neighbour out for day next weekend.
Got an invitation to a party in June, which I accepted and involves a lot of people, a live band, food I don't like and in a pub.
So, I thought, I would eat before going, show my face, stand in the pub garden so I can make a sly and quick exit and no-one will be any the wiser. :wacko:
Still haven't plucked up the courage for any driving, but I will, I can feel the urge arising within me. If nothing else, it will stop me from being a backseat driver.
"Watch that lady crossing the road, that child, there's a bend coming up, slow down, there's a roundabout", I constantly nag to Mr C and he is clearly sick of it.
I reply, "I can't help it, I need you to know the dangers for me to feel safe".
He replies, "Do you want to drive the car?" To which I say, "That's a bit below the belt, you know I don't drive anymore". Which leaves him the opening to say, "Well, just let me drive then". :lac:
I was thinking today about my mum and now realise that she must have suffered with anxiety too. I know she had hypertension, because the GP told her enough times.
But after dad had passed, she wouldn't go outside, just her garden out the back and even that stopped eventually.
She even piled up the rubbish at the front door and left it for me to take out and it never dawned on me that she was that afraid to venture out on her own, despite having excellent neighbours. She would only go out, if I took her out.
At the time, I just thought she was grieving, but I now think it was anxiety playing a part in this. I can relate to how she feels now and to some extent, I have turned in to a version of my own mother and I didn't see it coming.
What prevents us from going out or being alone is 'Fear'! Frightened I will collapse, fall, feel funny, die! To prevent any of this from happening, we cocoon ourselves in our homes with our comforts and familiarity and safe zones. But what is really happening, is we are fuelling our feelings and the longer this goes on the harder the task is of venturing out in to the big wide world.
I don't particularly want to venture anyway in particular, but I would like the option to do so if I want and be able to self sufficient and not depend on anyone or anything.
Why does this happen to some people and not others?
My seventy something neighbour told me she fainted once when she was out, but it didn't stop her from carrying on as normal. She lives on her own and she seems to have 'No Fear'!
So, if something frightens me, I am going to try and shrug it off and say, "What the heck, I'll go for it anyway". :)
Until next time.........
My take on this is that you are actually safer outside because someone will help you if you collapse. If you stay at home and are on your own who would know?
I know that becoming housebound is not an option for me and this does help because I have to go out. I've never fainted although I feel I've come close to it. My home does not feel a safe place for me so I'm probably better outside anyway.
Well we're do I start with that lot ? Firstly ninja warrior I'm more binger warrior I'm not sleeping so I can't stop eating to get some energy, if I did enter ninga warrior I'd start at the end and slide down :D
Next I'm changing your name from carnation to hyacinth ( bucket ) Richard watch the pedestrian .
Being on the pier I'm soooooooooooooo jealous im normally planning going away but now
I'm just trying to stay afloat .
For a new comer reading this or one of my posts it could come across like we are doing fine me joking away you out on the pier and tulisa coming across as solid as a rock , but I know on a bad day or night it feels like your sanity is hanging by a thread , thing is we have been there so many times you start to accept it for what it is a temporary feeling that does pass .
There are sinkers and swimmers I think the vast majority of people on here are swimmers it not all of them know it , they just need to learn how to swim ( does that make sense ? Well it does in my bowl of noodles ) .
Didn't feel so good today probably catching up on me going to bed in the early hours then getting up a few hours later , anxiety keeps trying to get its foot in the door like a big ugly bailiff but I keep pushing the settee against the door and not letting it in :D feck off no ones in and if we were we are not buying .
Think I'm rambling on so I'll bugger off until I know what I'm talking about, could be some time .
Take care .:D
Just checking in briefly as I am nursing a sting I got today and at the moment, I can not sit down as it was on my bum! :ohmy::scared15:
Needless to say I had a terrible night's sleep last night, but the swelling and redness has gone down thanks to the use of toothpaste! Never used before on stings, but it works very effectively. :)
Do you mean an insect sting Carnation? :ohmy:
Yes Fishman. What a place to get one, I couldn't even sit down to eat my dinner last night and had to sleep on my stomach, which made me very hot and agitated.
A bit better today, thank God!
---------- Post added at 22:17 ---------- Previous post was at 21:20 ----------
So, I've not been so active the last few days.
1. Because I have another gum infection, which was self inflicted because I was too heavy handed with the flossing. :ohmy:
2. I got stung by an insect, don't know what and it left me feeling very uncomfortable and unable to sit down or sleep very well.
The strange thing is the anxiety seems to have taken a back seat, while I fret and nurse over these things. Somehow the worry of walking and passing out has not even entered my head. It's been more......"ouch, God this stings, and my aching mouth". :weep: It's all survival, at the end of the day and when you get something wrong with you, it takes precedence over the anxiety.
Just having a good night's sleep and being able to sit down to eat without my mouth or bum hurting has now become my priority.
My take on this is that you are actually safer outside because someone will help you if you collapse. If you stay at home and are on your own who would know?
I know that becoming housebound is not an option for me and this does help because I have to go out. I've never fainted although I feel I've come close to it. My home does not feel a safe place for me so I'm probably better outside anyway.
Pulisa, I tend to want to be outside rather than inside for purely that fact!
And it's outside I run to when I feel panicky or flushing or any of those symptoms that make you feel like something bad is about to happen.
If I am left alone, I would rather be outside.
But, as I can't be left alone anyway due to my monphobia, I am grateful, because otherwise I'd be outside all the time!
I am getting better though, because today my partner was outside and I didn't even realise it. I was so occupied with my bite, that after half an hour, I realised my O/H wasn't even indoors. :yesyes:
Buster, I hope you feel a bit better and caught up on those zzzzzzzzzzz.
It must be a nightmare for you at the moment. :hugs:
And not to sound condescending, this situation could be the making of you.
Well, that's what my mum used to say to me, when I struggled to go to the hospital, get in the lift, (which I feared), catching something nasty in there, collapsing in there and ending up in a bed in the next ward and then repeating the whole thing again
for near enough 3 months! And that's not even mentioning catching MRSI and getting rigged up with overalls and face masks and gloves and where was her ward? Top floor, of course. I couldn't even tell my mum that I was being evicted from the family home, because the Council wanted her money for care.
Oh yes, "bring it on", became my motto. :huh:
Ok, that's enough of that talk.
There's always some good in life, if you look for it.
I've spent three days watching the sea at it's best, thoroughly enjoyed a 99' flake and anxiety stayed locked in it's box. :)
Just don't floss aggressively or sit on a seat with wooden slats, so that insects can sneak up from down under and bite your bum!
Until next time.........
I think you have a point there Carnation about anxiety and physical problems/illness. Two years ago I was having dental work done including a difficult extraction. The anxiety was still there in the background but my focus seemed to switch to the treatment, potential pain etc. As a result, the everyday kind of tasks seemed to get easier.
But then once the dentist's work was finished, its like the anxiety says 'right where were we?' Are you rinsing with salt water for your mouth?
Hope you're ok Buster. Hang in there buddy, you've come through these bad times before and will again. You're a strong character, that's clear from all you have to deal with and yet keep trying to stay positive.
Yes, I am Fishman. A warm salt water rinse IMO is still the best way to heal an infection. Thank you for asking. :hugs:
Same from me Buster. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you will get a good result and some luck will come your way. :hugs:
Sorry to hear you are in the wars, Carnation. Bites on the bottom must be so painful and where do you put yourself whilst waiting for the swelling to go down You could do with one of those chair commode type things-taking the commode out of course!
I tend to get lots of mosquito bites but it's the bee and horsefly ones which I dread. I got cellulitis from a horsefly one once and it was like dragging an aquarium around on my leg-not very attractive!:D
Damn! I didn't think of that Pulisa. I could have used Mr C's mum's commode. :D
It's much better today. The toothpaste trick has done the job, much to my amazement. :shrug:
I get these a lot through the hotter weather, especially as I am in the garden for long periods of time.
I had two horse fly attacks last year and both took weeks to heal. Red marks like saucers. :scared15:
My gum infection has turned out to be a jaw thing, probably from gritting my teeth and stress.
It has affected my throat with pain in the shoulder area, headache and hurts when I yawn, cough, or chew.
So, I'm putting my feet up, which is a rarity and Mr C is supplying me with cups of tea, if he can remember, because he has short term memory and I have just found a mug of tea sitting on the kitchen worktop going cold! :D
Feeling poorly today. :(
My throat hurts, my gums are sore, my teeth are on edge, my head feels tight, my eyes look like they have had no sleep and my jaw is painful and tender.
I rested up yesterday and there is very little improvement on how I am today. I feel I have some sort of infection, because my throat has been swollen on and off for about a month now.
I just want to laze around feeling sorry for myself and there are jobs to do.
I need sleep better last night as it was the first time I didn't have any pain waking me up.
Had to come out for supplies today, dreading anyone telling me I look ill and not myself, I already know that.
Hopefully I will feel a bit better tomorrow.
Until then...
Senior Moment
11-05-18, 17:14
Sorry to hear you are not feeling up to the mark today Carnation. I am wondering if you could be suffering from symptoms of the high pollen account that we have been having recently. You have been spending a lot of time outdoors and the symptoms do sound a bit like allergy related. Just a thought, and I hope you feel better tomorrow. Take care SM x
Thank you Senior Moment, I hope it is something as simple as that, you know what health anxiety is like. :wacko: I did have streaming and itching eyes and nose with lots of sneezing last week. So, maybe. :shrug:
Hope you are doing better SM. x
I hope you feel better tomorrow, Carnation. Make sure you are looked after and get some rest xx
That does sound like hayfever Carnation. My brother used to get it terribly, swollen eyes, streaming nose. Here's a hug :hugs:
Thanks Pulisa and fishman. x
I find it so hard to sit and relax and I am not a good patient. I am the one normally looking after someone. :)
Not had a good night's sleep last night.
I was up every 2 hours with jaw pain and at one point spat out some gunge with a few specks of blood from my mouth.
So this morning I went for it and gave my teeth and mouth a hard clean, even though sore. I thought if I do this, I could still catch the dentist if anything bad should come of this.
I have to say that the jaw pain is marginally better. :)
Eyes are still itching and throat is still scratchy with a bit of hoarseness.
I Googled my symptoms, which was a HUGE mistake.
So, I am just hoping now I have an improvement tomorrow, otherwise it is off to the Docs or Dentist or both! It's the flu like symptoms that worry me and the nodes in my throat are up.
Not much activity from me today because of this as it is hard enough to keep anxiety under control.
Let's hope next week will be better.
Until then.....
Your day sounds like a slightly better version of mine , I've had mirror trying to see the back of my mouth to see my old freind the wisdom tooth from which I've had no wisdom only pain , I've resisted googling even though I feel like death warmed up .
Next weeks got to be better if it's not im writing to my local mp to complain :hugs:
Despite being up half the night dealing with spiders staring at me from the ceiling and removing them. Yes, I moved them myself while Mr C was snoring himself in to the unknown and they wouldn't have been there in the first place if I had remembered to close the window, but I was just pleased it was not the pain waking me from my jaw, which I've had all week.
But, I did wake up with a hoarse voice, stuffed up nose and gungy eyes. Sounds lovely, doesn't it?
Then on getting up, an amazing amount of sneezing which seemed to clear all three symptoms.
So now I am thinking sinues/hayfever.
Braved it today and went out. Felt better for it and pleased I made the effort to do so.
Watched Eurovision last night, which seemed to go on and on and on and on, a bit like me. :D
I must be stupid because I liked the chicken song, as I call it. It was actually called 'Toy' and it won!
My other favourite was Austria, but it was too much like 'The Rag and Bone Man'.
The Opera lady was good, but her dress was better than her song. Our entry was ambushed, but it was never going to the top, despite her fabulous performance.
See what happens when you stay in too much, you watch nearly 4 hours of nonsense. :)
Anxiety was strangely calm today, probably because I couldn't be asked to accommodate it after very little sleep over the past week.
Hopefully venturing out tomorrow, but the driving will have to wait until I feel better.
Until next time....
I'm pleased to hear your jaw feels better Carnation, perhaps no need for the dentist after all? I happened to see some Eurovision too which is unusual for me. Does the UK always do so badly?
Hope you're feeling a bit better Buster.
Nope feel a whole lot worse but it's kind of you guys to ask :D how you doing fish ? I remember a quote off a film I like The fastest indian , " Any day stood up above ground is a good day " :D
Carnation you can get spider catchers a suction tube , suck em up and blow em out the window , I'd put a spider in my mouth if it promised to take away my tooth ache .
Have you thought about a Fitbit watch ? I've got one of the cheaper ones , count your steps outdoors and try to better it , I usually do about 7 to 8000 steps a day 10000 is the goal which I do somtimes and a little buzz goes off like pat on the back , haven't done much waking over the weekend, bad leg , toothache and no sleep , I just feel like a long walk off a short pier :D
Buster...could you get to see an emergency dentist? I had work done in 2016 and when I parked outside to go in and register as a patient I panicked. I think it was 'signing up' for a contract, but I found things went better than expected because it was ok to be anxious in a dentist's waiting room. I do hope you can find some peace and a solution, toothache is probably THE worst pain.
I've been struggling with low mood, thanks for asking buddy. My Dad's triple CT scan is on Wednesday, so we'll know what we're facing soon. The venlafaxine/mirtazapine combo is being tested.
I've hijacked your thread Carnation, sorry :blush:
Yes Fishman, I'm afraid the UK have failed miserably for quite some time now. Even Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber couldn't wave his magic. :lac:
Buster, I don't like the idea of that spider tube. :scared15:
As far as the steps thing, you can get an App on your phone and it automatically tells you how active you are. Don't know whether that is a good idea or not.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today. :hugs:
Fishman good luck for Wednesday with your dad, in case I don't catch you before then. Low mood is a natural emotion with what you are going through. Just remember you are doing brilliantly under the circumstances you are in fishman. :hugs:
I'm feeling much better today. Not quite out of the woods yet, but the jaw/tooth pain has died down a lot! Still have the scratchy, slightly swollen throat, but my eyes are less itchy and painful. Any improvement is a plus in my book. :)
Went out today as planned. Although, I wanted to slob on the sofa.
Forced myself to hoover every room today and was pleased about no flushing while doing it. Such a task can be a dead cert to get you over heated and anxious, so was pleased with that.
It was freezing today when I went out. The wind was biting and if I didn't know it was May, it could have easily have been February. What is happening with the seasons in this country? It's like we have all the weather of the whole year throughout the week.
My neighbour said the other day, that it's almost the same every day now.
Chilly, windy, damp, humid and if you are lucky; a bit of sun.
So, tomorrow I am off to what I call the big town. Always dread this. Further away from home. busy with too many cars and people, noisy, bustling, too many shops and so on. It's a venture I have to do every now and then for certain shops. It's up and down hilly roads and pavements only wide enough for one person. This means I have to walk basically free handed on my own. I have a choice. Walk in front of my O/H or walk behind him. If I'm in front, I know I can't keep looking behind, because then I would get all dizzy and If I am behind, I have to go the pace that my partner walks and he doesn't hang around. Either way, it is not pleasant and I find it enduring.
The only plus to tomorrow is the weather could possibly be more pleasant and warmer.
I find when I go out now, I am so focused on what I have to do, where I am going and trying to avoid any possible dangers, that I have picked up speed and see it more like an assault course with my aim to just get to the end and back home safely and unscratched. I've got to do these things and I don't enjoy them, but I am focussed and determined! I don't enjoy eating out, but if it is a choice of starving and making the anxiety worse, I tell my brain that it is a necessary for to me to do this.
There are many things in life that we don't want to do, not can't! Because everything is possible. But, if you turn the 'don't want to' in to 'I have to' and 'it is important that I do this', then it becomes more achievable. :)
Always try to find something in your day that you DO WANT TO DO. This is very important, because it is a pleasure and pleasure is good chemicals in the brain. :)
Until next time...........
Had a terrible night's sleep, think it was about 4am by the time I got off to sleep. Mind was in it's worry mode and to top it all, two more spiders decided to make an appearance. :ohmy:
Still went in to the big town, despite being panicky and thinking I might collapse through lack of sleep. All I could do was think, "move slowly and drink plenty of water". Had to eat out today and that was much harder today. I kept thinking, "I need sugar, no I need carbohydrate, no sugar or is it less sugar?" I was agitated and just wanted to eat and run.
I am happy to say that I kept it together and after a full day out, I got back home unscathed. :)
I managed most of what I wanted to do today, but quite exhausted now. Hopefully, it will mean a good night's sleep. :)
Until next time...
I'd like to say I'm doing great but alas im burning out faster than anticipated, tooth ache is keeping me awake ( can't afford the dentist got bills to pay ) , the anxiety is making me breathe like its my last breath before the firing squad but I've still got to get out there , I've dealt with three people today and had to hide what's going on inside , it's absolutely exhausting when it's something I used to enjoy , my mother seems to be going down hill very fast which I feel very guilty about .
To top it all a woman dog walker told me my legs are skinny :D because Ive opted for the combat shorts , pretty sure she was just jealous as she said hers were too chunky , in her defence she was shouting at her dogs a lot which I pointed out then said " if you're going to shout give me warning so I put my fingers in my ears " I'm not a fan of shouting .
Got loads of work to do but not much energy and the big I have is wasted on anxiety.
The positive side is I'm still getting up out and having a go :)
Ps stop posting at the same time as me it's making me think you might be watching me , I'll shut the curtains.
Still not keen on the spider catcher ?
There's one thing you have Buster and that's determination!
Try that toothpaste trick I mentioned, it worked for me.
Sorry to hear about your mum. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have enough on your plate, just surviving. You can only put one foot in front of the other. :hugs:
Feel much better today. :)
Throat better, jaw not so painful, eyes not itching and sore and more energy!
So much that I hand washed the car. Already for that long awaited drive that I intend to do very soon. Did lots of housework today. Boring, but has to be done.
When you suffer a relapse, many chores mount up as you can barely dress yourself, let alone look after a house.
It's been nearly 6 months since my relapse and it's taken best part of that to find my way back and still going. I have bad days, bad moments and fearful of having another one. In a way, I suppose we keep ourselves slightly in that mode for fear of becoming too normal for just that reason. Falling back in to a relapse.
The only downside to that is the failure and disappointment of not making any progress and being stuck in those thoughts. This is why you have to try a little more as time goes on, otherwise you become your own prisoner.
Of course, I am fearful when I push myself a little more or step outside of my comfort zone. But, it is the achievement afterwards that I find rewarding and gives me hope. I never dreamt in a million years that I would suffer in this way, because of my previous 'no fear' attitude and exactly at what point this changed, I couldn't tell you.
It just sort of happened. Maybe it was always there and I ignored it and I ran out of confidence. :shrug:
So, I didn't mention yesterday, but I wacked my leg on the car door and I have an almighty bruise on my leg. I do stupid things like this.
It's a real beauty and if it had happened a couple of months ago, I would be obsessing about it like crazy. Strangely enough, I am not. It's a bruise, I've had hundreds of them over my lifetime. The only thing that annoys me is that I never learn from them and clumsily get more. :mad: If only I paid more attention to what I was doing and where I am walking.
I know, I'll blame anxiety. Anxiety took precedence and 'IT' is to blame.
My Tip for today.
A very gentle exercise that relieves stress, muscle tension and trapped wind.
When you are laying down in bed. Turn on your side and move your shoulder gently in a circular motion, so that the top of your arm; (the socket), is turning in a circle. Do one side, then then turn on the other side. It should feel comfortable and soothing and may even make you sleep better. :)
Until next time.........
Glad you are feeling better, Carnation x
You're a battler Carnation. I really enjoy reading your daily bulletins :hugs:
That's very kind fishman. :)
---------- Post added at 23:50 ---------- Previous post was at 20:41 ----------
Today I realised I am feeling more stronger mentally and physically.
I have more ambition to go out and do things. (Actually anxious about that now). :D
I feel that if I keep a good balance throughout my day; exercise, eat regular meals, rest and sleep, then I can cope.
I'm not anxiety free and I know that it lurks in the background with sometimes making an appearance to remind me to take care, don't overdo things and stay calm.
The worry will always be there, but I look at it differently now. I note the problem, work it out in my head to prioritise it and then shelve it accordingly.
I try not to look to far in to the future, which has always been a thing with me.
I have learnt that you can not plan life and make plans too far in to the future and directions change anyway.
My late dad would have a saying, 'Use it or lose it'.
Basically that means, if you don't keep moving and doing stuff, you may not be able to do these things at all. My dad's saying has always stuck in my mind and dare I say it; worried me. This also acts as inspiration to push myself to do things, for the fact of not being able to do anything worries me more than the anxiety itself. And that's big!
I find my myself in a position where I am able to walk now without feeling the fear!
What a wonderful feeling that is. :) Yeah, occasionally I have moments when I think, "everything is going so well, when is it going to end?" and "Is anxiety going to attack out of the blue when I am feeling more relaxed and confident". But, I think that is a natural thought after experiencing anxiety for the past 4 years.
I know stress is a trigger, so is shock, tiredness and hunger also.
Unfortunately, all four of these thing enter our lives on a regular basis.
The secret is dealing with those things, not the experience.
If there's too much stress, then work out how you can eliminate it and even turn your back on it and go soak in the bath or much your favourite TV programme.
If you feel fatigued, then put your feet up, have a nap, go to bed early.
Remember the only person that can look after you, is YOU!
Until next time..........
Seems a very long time ago now but when I came here i read your thread "help scared of losing my mum" the worst happened and you came out the other side , now you seem to be growing stronger each day , the tables seem to have turned and now I'm scared of losing my mum she looks so old and frail now and the other day couldn't get up when I went round , she's also losing her memory badly , my brother keeps telling me how bad she's getting but I've got so much on my plate it's hard to find time to help , we have called to get some forms for extra money and help but she doesn't want to see anyone and has forgotten the next day .
I mentioned before we are born with two fears , fallling and loud noises so we are taught to fear death , our own and our loved ones , some cultures don't fear the reaper they just accept fate what will be will be , if we were taught death is part of life from an early age maybe we could live in the moment more . Yeah I know a bit morbid :)
Buster, that thread, "help scared of losing my mum", was a very difficult time for me, but having the thread helped me and maybe it might help others going through similar?
Now reading your words about your mum tells me that you in that period of time where you are suddenly aware of your mum's mortality.
I will say the same to you as I did fishman. You will be more fearful than your mum.
You will feel all sorts of emotions and feel a heavy burden on your shoulders.
You can only take one step at a time and act on the situation as it arises.
For now Buster, you have to get your own family and home sorted and you will do, somehow, some way, you will survive it all.
You are not morbid, these are the hard facts of life and I think there is a reason why we are not taught death from an early age.
For one thing, we wouldn't really take it in or understand it as a child and you can be quite childlike well in to your life. It becomes more apparent when we lose people that are close to us.
We all help each other as we go through life, pass down our advice and wisdom and prepare and support each other.
Humanity have it tough as animals have no concept of death, they live their lives in the present. Maybe we should take a leaf out of their book and live for today; if only our brains would allow us to do that!
And remember anxiety is another term for 'Fear'.
You are doing really well Buster, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are! :hugs:
So, I have a bit of catching up to do on my progress.
Saturday I stuck to my word and went out to the place that was new to me and spent a whole 6 hours there. I won't lie, I was wringing my hands on the way there, thinking that I might have bitten off more than I could chew, but I am pleased to say that once I was there, it was as if I didn't have anxiety at all. :shrug:
The only bit was a few moments where we stopped for lunch and I was a bit fidgety, but I settled down after chatting to the owner.
I walked up and down the Town and in and out of the shops. It was hot, but I went prepared, with bottled water, hat and sunglasses. (I call these my 3 travelling necessities).
Before we left, I even managed to tackle one of those big supermarkets that I dread going in and have avoided now for about 2 years!
Wow, I did it. No swaying, no foggy eyes, no panicking, no feeling scared.
I couldn't believe it. It was like I had gone back in time to how I used to be.
I almost wanted to record it, so I could play it back and remind myself of how brilliant I was. :) By the time I got home, I was absolutely exhausted!
The courage and battle takes so much energy, that you actually need a day to get over it.
The next day was a planned day of taking our neighbour out for lunch and I really wanted to cancel as I still felt pretty exhausted from the day before.
I didn't even care about what to wear and at the back of my mind was thinking, "Maybe two days in a row is too much for me?".
I hate letting people down and thought that if I cancel now, I will only have to reschedule it all over again. So I went.
Again, it was hot, but this time I was tired and all I could think of was my sofa/bed.
And then, I realised I had left my phone at home! :scared15:
I never do this. Forget! Oh my, fidget, fidget and more fidgeting.
I kept looking through my bag hoping it would appear. Fumbled in my pockets several times, as If I was going to find it there. And then, my neighbour said something to me that calmed me down immediately. "I never take my mobile out with me".
"What?!!??" "But you go out on your own", I said with amazement.
"I know, I should and my family tell me off, but I don't", she replied.
Well, I thought very clearly to myself and came to the conclusion that If I can't feel safe with two other people and someone else who has a phone, then I really am being stupid here". It was something I forgot, but it did not put me in any danger.
So, my message today is; NEVER be frightened of going out of your comfort zone.
The hardest part is the pre-thinking of the event and what might happen.
Give yourself more credit than you think you deserve and know that you are stronger than you realise. There are always options, nothing is set in stone and don't be afraid to try. If you try a little, then you have reached a milestone in your progress and you will feel ten times better for doing so. In the same breath, you are not a failure if you don't try, it just means you are not ready and there will be another time to try again. :)
Until next time........
You must be so pleased and relieved that you're making such significant progress, Carnation! It must be such a feeling of liberation to know that you can now attempt and succeed at doing things which you could previously never contemplate without fear xx
I am pleased Pulisa. :)
Still along way to go with the on-going battle with anxiety, but any progress is a plus!
Hope you are doing OK. x
Yesterday I had the fuzzy eyesight thing and I don't know whether it was anxiety or hay fever or both!?
Luckily, it didn't affect my walking or make me dizzy, but I kept doing that thing where you scrunch your eyes up to try and make it better when in fact it makes it worse!
All day, I had it. :huh:
I'm now complaining It's too hot!
If I go in the garden, I burn and get attacked by those hornet things or those white cabbage eaters that seem to fly at me, not forgetting dodging the worst of all, horse flies. :scared15:
So, I can't really spend to much time in the garden.
And I am probably making the situation worse by putting up hanging baskets and bedding plants all around the house. It's like I have trapped myself.
Anyway, went out again yesterday, too hot, yeah, I've said that already, fuzzy eyes, but ploughed my way through the day like there's no tomorrow.
I've adapted this attitude now that know matter how I feel or what symptom I have, I go for it anyway. It doesn't make me feel any worse for doing so. Just very exhausting.
Today I am taking the cat to the vets for his annual booster and I dread this more than the cat.
He is very good apart from his psychic powers of knowing where he is going and his reluctance to get in his box, which leaves me shoving his behind in while he clings to the side. But once there, he is good. I just fear his fear and then I feel guilty and have to fuss him more when we get home.
Apart from that, a easier today, we'll hopefully it is. :)
Hope you managed to negotiate the cat basket-trapping without too much trauma and that your cat has forgiven you!! I always used to dread that!:)
All good Pulisa. :)
Stupid me turned up half an hour earlier and had to sit patiently. Spat out a load of jibberish rubbish to the girl on reception because I was nervous.
Back home and cat is napping now. :)
Same as me Carnation. I am in and out of the house. To hot no shade
, sneezing. Sort of in a haze. No energy Eye sight seems hazy.
So glad I have not got any pets . All the best Carnation :hugs:And pulisa:hugs:
Sounds like you are still heading in the right direction and you have a similar attitude to mine in not letting it control you even if it hurts and wipes you out still stick to your plans , the anxiety can fit in around you ( pat on the back for you :D)
Back to my last message, I became very aware of death at ten years old when a young lad was killed in front of me , I still have very vivid memories of him lying in the rain and woman putting an umbrella over his body , he was six and it turned out he was my school freinds cousin , my granddaughter once pointed out where her dads brother was found in the canal on the way to school and she said " I'll die one day won't i grandad " it broke my heart but I didn't lie I just said " you will but not for a very long time and you don't need to worry about it " .
My mum has been ill before and I did think I'd lose her then so it's always been in the back of my mind especially after my dad went so suddenly, we are never ready for the loss we just think it will never come , I wish I was more able to talk to my mum I see my mates kiss and hug their mums but that's never been the case for us , anyway being morbid again so subject change .
You and magic sound like me , im fair skinned and don't sweat so the sun is a nightmare I'm in and out of the house like a cuckoo clock , if I stay out I burn and feel sick , when I take my t shirt off it looks like I'm still wearing a white t shirt just tanned forearms and neck :D the bugs don't bother me too much but my daughter runs around arms flailing knocking over her own kids to make an escape from what turns out to be a fly , my advice for avoiding the wasps and bugs is jam , cover mr c in it and sit him on the other side of the garden ( this will also work with Mr M as well magic , desperate situations call for desperate measures , or we could hibernate until autumn :D
Magic, I have come to the conclusion that hay fever has the same symptoms as anxiety! Hard to tell them apart.
Apparently there are three types. Trees, grass and plants. Trees are coming to their end of pollinating and grass is in action now. Let's hope our allergies are not all three!
I so enjoy being in the garden, but it is ruining it for me.
Keep those sunglasses on and keep cool. x
I drove today!!!!! :) :yesyes::yahoo:
Although only a couple of miles and with a passenger next to me, it is still a big deal for me as 'driving' is my trigger for panic attacks.
I haven't driven for God knows how long and today I was in a position where I had to and just got on with it.
My O/H has sprained his ankle, so unless I drive, we don't survive.
Obviously we couldn't walk any where because of his injury, so as a necessity I had to drive.
In fact, I did it twice! Once this morning and then again this afternoon.
So that's a total of 4 miles. :yesyes:
I've also being running around for my partner with cups of tea, ice packs, bowls of water and I am quite worn out.
Catching up with stuff. My hay fever was bad yesterday. Coughing, sneezing, hot face, headache, itchy and fuzzy eyes. But, I am pleased to say it is much better today, which is just as well as I have a patient to look after. Oh my, he is moaning so much. Grunting, whinging and if I hear another, "Could you just get me.....", I think I will get in that car and drive somewhere else! :D
Only kidding. I wouldn't do that. Besides, I am not that confident to drive on my own; yet!
Buster, I can understand why you say that as children that we should be taught about how to deal with death, but I think it is more about losing someone in the family or close friend. To be educated about death as a child could be scary, but coping with losing a mum/dad/brother/sister and so on, should be.
When I was twelve years old I saw my granddad having a stroke through the crack in the doorway. I was only twelve, but I understood what was happening and I got ushered to my bedroom, I was not told that my granddad died that night and wasn't allowed to the funeral. I was very close to my granddad and my mum and dad had no idea that I had seen what had gone on until I was much older.
It's a very sensitive subject and very difficult to deal with. But never underestimate what a child can understand and feel.
Buster, your words to your granddaughter were very wise and thoughtful. :hugs:
Loss IS extremely difficult to cope with and even understand.
It's not something you can predict. After all, my mum was given her death warrant in her thirties and she lived in to her eighties. A neighbour was given 6 months and it's been ten years on. I don't like the way the medical pros dish out life sentences. In my opinion, it is totally and morally wrong. But, one thing for sure, is loss is so hard on the people that are left behind. :hugs:
So, we are in yet another B/H weekend and I have no plans.
Just as well with an injured partner.
I'm not a lover of Bank Holidays. It spoils my routine and people come out to play and try to have a good time, but just get grumpy because it is either too hot or too crowded. Shops run out of bread, dress as if they are in Benidorm and basically get pissed while their kids run riot and annoy everyone.
Who's a misery now? Well me, of course. :D
I'm afraid that anxiety has done that to me or is it my age? I'll settle for both.
So, no plans, but who knows, I may have to do some more driving.
Isn't strange how you can drive or ride a bike even though you haven't done it for ages. This proves how our memory works for us and is exactly the reason why we react to anxiety. Because we work from past experiences.
I have two options for this. Re-wire those bad experiences into good ones or just go for it with a vengeance! Just like I did today. :)
Until next time.........
That's a huge achievement, Carnation-really well done!! Sometimes when we are forced into situations without the escalating anticipatory anxiety we can just get on and do things which would seem unachievable in normal circumstances, I think. Maybe it's a good thing that Mr C is unable to drive because now you know that you still can and you don't have to rely on Mr C? I hope his ankle soon settles because you don't want him getting too used to being waited on hand and um foot!:D
Senior Moment
26-05-18, 10:08
Hi Carnation. Well done on your achievement of driving !!! I am so happy for you. Loved your post yesterday, particularly your comments about bank holidays. I thought it was just me being miserable !! Every man and his uncle seem to come out of the woodwork trying to convince themselves they are having a great time cos its a bank holiday. I too blame the anxiety and am desperately hoping I will improve my outlook as the anxiety subsides. Here's hoping anyway. Anxiety certainly has a lot to answer for doesn't it ??? Take care SM x
Thanks for the praise on my driving achievement yesterday, Pulisa and SM. :)xx
I think I may have been over praising myself, because even I bored myself with, "I drove a car today, I drove a car today! :D More importantly, no panic or anxiety symptoms. I am getting more of the anxiety with my partners foot! He's making me agitated with the constant moaning. I explained that he is finding it difficult because he is not used to being ill. I also told him that having anxiety is like that every day!!!!
Agitation, pain, discomfort, disability and helplessness!
Not exaggerating at all, that's what it is like.
We hide it from most folks, clench our jaw and attempt to live what is supposed to be a normal life with a smile on our face. The times I have been asked, "how are you?". "Fine", I reply, even though I am shaking inside.
SM, we are not in the minority with Bank Holidays. Shopkeepers hate it just as much. For a start, people bulk buy, which is not necessary in this day and age.
I also hope I can be an inspiration to you and others with any of my achievements. I've been in that place of being housebound, bedbound, depressed and lonely.
Never give up hope and as I have said before, any achievement, no matter how small is a proud moment.
Even baking a cake, growing plants from seed, stepping outside your front door, chatting to someone, making a phone call. Achievements do not have to be big.
Although I drove a car yesterday, did I mention that?
:D I really can't believe it myself. Woke up this morning and thought I'd dreamt it. :)
Until next time....
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