marywithanxiety
26-02-18, 21:34
So, I've been struggling with a very horrible HOCD.
I didn't even know I had OCD until this happened to me, 7 months ago.
Yesterday, I had the worst day of all. I had to be among women of my family all day and I've never been so stressed and so frustrated.
I had a dream the night before that I was being assaulted again by my best friend (a girl). So I spent my entire day flinching and terrified, focusing my thoughts on men as much as I could until I start thinking that thinking too much about guys is being butch and meaning I like girls which I believe is a part of the HOCD.
Last night, I exploded.
My abdomen was hurting, I had a full panic attack and my sister (who is training to be a neuropsychologist but its still graduating as a psychologist) tells me that i had some hidden personality that I had to let show. A personality I do not have plesure on thinking about and I can assure her that if that assault hadnt had happened, I would be okay, thinking about guys and loving my own self as a person. But I don't think she takes effort in actually analizing my thoughts and I don't know how to explain them.
Okay, i completely lost my point here
Hm..
Yes, well I had a panic attack and my mother kept on and on about how she will still love me if i had this personality which i do not and i started to cry and freak out.
Then my mom said something that really resonated with me which was:
"A person who is, does not doubt about it".
And that gave me the reassurance I was so desperate to find so I could sleep. But I was still crying, because I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, which means the OCD hasnt gone away.
Medicated with herbal anti-anxiety pills, and uncomfortable with my mother's hug, I managed to fall asleep. (Not after throwing up).
I did however find a page called Mood Smith about HOCD. And it explains what it is, why did it form, and symptoms, compulsions, etc. And it did calm me down.
However, I woke up this morning feeling extremely unsafe? And like I had no control, like as if everything was starting all over again? And I don't feel any anxiety and my crotch sensations are coming back.
What does this mean?
I didn't even know I had OCD until this happened to me, 7 months ago.
Yesterday, I had the worst day of all. I had to be among women of my family all day and I've never been so stressed and so frustrated.
I had a dream the night before that I was being assaulted again by my best friend (a girl). So I spent my entire day flinching and terrified, focusing my thoughts on men as much as I could until I start thinking that thinking too much about guys is being butch and meaning I like girls which I believe is a part of the HOCD.
Last night, I exploded.
My abdomen was hurting, I had a full panic attack and my sister (who is training to be a neuropsychologist but its still graduating as a psychologist) tells me that i had some hidden personality that I had to let show. A personality I do not have plesure on thinking about and I can assure her that if that assault hadnt had happened, I would be okay, thinking about guys and loving my own self as a person. But I don't think she takes effort in actually analizing my thoughts and I don't know how to explain them.
Okay, i completely lost my point here
Hm..
Yes, well I had a panic attack and my mother kept on and on about how she will still love me if i had this personality which i do not and i started to cry and freak out.
Then my mom said something that really resonated with me which was:
"A person who is, does not doubt about it".
And that gave me the reassurance I was so desperate to find so I could sleep. But I was still crying, because I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, which means the OCD hasnt gone away.
Medicated with herbal anti-anxiety pills, and uncomfortable with my mother's hug, I managed to fall asleep. (Not after throwing up).
I did however find a page called Mood Smith about HOCD. And it explains what it is, why did it form, and symptoms, compulsions, etc. And it did calm me down.
However, I woke up this morning feeling extremely unsafe? And like I had no control, like as if everything was starting all over again? And I don't feel any anxiety and my crotch sensations are coming back.
What does this mean?