Made the biggest mistake ever.

[Samantha11]

Hello this is my first post. I've been suffering with really bad pnd since my baby was born and have been taking fluoxetine. I went out the other night, got absolutely blind drunk and had sex with a bloke I met at a party. I'm ashamed and honestly so shocked and disgusted with myself I feel suicidal. Things have been really bad with my partner for about 6 months and when I was out he sent me some awful messages and I guess in my mind I thought **** you and when this man showed me attention I got carried away. It's all a blur. My heart has been pounding out my chest ever since, I don't feel able to look after my kids I'm a mess. How can I get out of this spiral. I know I'm basically a whore for what I've done but I've just been feeling so bad that the alcohol made me feel good at the time. I can't tell my partner because he will leave me and the kids. It was a stupid insane mistake that I'm never going to live down. Just feel like everything has got way too much for me and I'd be better off dead tbh. Has anyone ever done anything like this? I'm not writing this expecting anyone to sympathise I know what I've done is disgusting

[gflanagan86]

First suicide is NEVER the answer. Second alcohol is fueling your current spiral right now. If I have so much as 3 glasses of wine I'm an absolute reck for almost a week after. You made a mistake, yes it feels awful but your human.. All people depressed and anxious OR NOT make mistakes. I went through really bad postpartum depression and anxiety after giving birth, the only thing that helped was taking my medication regularly and having it monitored closely by a psychiatrist and talk therapy. Have you considered a therapist? I truly believe the STRONG seek help. It takes big person to say "I need help". I hope you find this message comforting. Your a Momma Bear! Set the best example for your babies by showing them if you have a problem...get the help!

[Samantha11]

Thank you so much for that. I've got a lot of changes to make. I drink excessively sometimes to make myself feel better I feel so down. The pnd makes me feel like an anxious failing mother and when I go out I just go obernoard. I've only slept with a few people in my life I'm the first person to say cheaters are disgusting..now I am one I can't believe it. I'm actually getting myself in a worse state with what ifs because I can't remember. I'm thinking what if something happened with someone else which I know is stupid really. I can't eat sleep or function I feel a laughing stock and just want to run away. The only thing I can take from this is that I'm not going out ever again it's not worth it. Each time I'm anxiety ridden, paranoid and utterly depressed for a full week or so. I'm going to ask my doc about maybe upping my meds because I'm on a very low dose and concentrate on being the mother I need to be instead of the anxious snappy and unhappy one I am now. The last few years have been awful. I've had pnd after both my babies which were difficult pregnancies and my first baby was stillborn at 22 weeks. Not condoning my actions. I just want to feel happiness

[gflanagan86]

YOU deserve happiness!!! Take out a pen and paper right now and write down your goals and set a plan for yourself! This is a big thing for me that really helps. I know what the anxiety can do to a mother!! Trust me I really get it. Make a list today. Write down, everything- from a daily schedule you want to keep for yourself and your kids, diet, exercise, medication, supplements..etc Then write out goals for beating you depression and anxiety. You are not alone, please just remember that xoxoxo If I knew how to use this site better I would privately message you... so if you know how to do that please feel free to send me a message!!-Grace

[mike83]

Everyone makes mistakes, it's certainly nothing you should feel suicidal over. It's probably quite common when people are going through rough patches, not that you should do it again but its understandable.

You need to sort things out with your partner, either try and fix things or leave him. Leave the alcohol alone, it won't make things better. You sound like you know what you have to do from your second post, focus on being a mother.

Life is about learning and you learn best from your mistakes! Don't be hard on yourself, you are not perfect, you are struggling in a bad situation with little support from your partner.

[meant2live]

Please, see a therapist. You need to get out of this spiral. You are loved and need help.