Depressed from my anxiety

[jules321]

I appreciate having this site as a place to be real. I’m struggling. I want to release my anxiety. For some reason when I’m driving I feel free and able to get a birds eye view of the ridiculousness of my fears. I feel empowered when I’m
driving with thoughts like “I’m ok! If I get the flu (my trigger), then it will suck but I will be ok. I need to live life, I won’t let it hold me down, I can travel in the winter and go to restaurants and not let this flu fear rule me! I am going to get out there and grab life by the balls!” Then I get home.

And I’m back to feeling scared, small, out of control, and depressed by my self-imposed prison. I think back to every winter in my life before about 5 years ago. I never even thought of the flu! I never got a flu vaccine, never worried about it, lived my life normally every winter going to work, on planes, out to restaurants etc.

Now I’m a quivering mess every winter ever since my child was born (who has some health issues). I have this fear that I’m going to get so sick that I won’t be able to care for my child or that I will die and leave my child. It’s paralyzing.

I also have some real health stuff, and it’s odd because the stuff that should freak me out doesn’t. It’s the unknown. The boogeyman.

[Halle0587]

I could have wrote this! I say the same thing I have good days and bad days, and my moments aren’t always in the car sometimes they happen at home. Sometimes I feel like I can take on the world from inside my house. Sometimes.
The flu is a trigger of mine, like you, only since my son was born-so since 2016. We’re taking him to Disney for a few days next week. I bought Clorox wipes yesterday and refilled my hand sanitizers. I find myself wondering if the bathrooms and bedroom in the hotel will be clean and sanitized in case the last person had the flu. I worry we will catch the flu because if people won’t stay home from Disney if they have it. I wouldn’t have thought of this years ago. It’s terrifying.
I’m seeing a counselor and working on self esteem, as she thinks it’s that will help. We are also doing EFT tapping and a lot of meditation and reading. I walk to get out of the house. I have a friend and a cousin I can talk to. I’m cautious who I talk to about I because they may have good intentions but it can wear fast on people who don’t have this and can’t understand so I keep it from them.
I made a CBT plan as the other day I thought my son was getting ill then I started feeling a scratch throat, thankfully I think it’s just allergies as nothing came of it yet and that was Saturday. The plan helps. My plan is to get to the doctor ASAP to get the meds that work best within 24-48 hours. I also plan to sort of force myself to drink, even though many say you will not want to. That seems to be big with the flu-hydration. At least that’s what I’m taking from it.
I’m always happy to message and chat if you want to since we seem to both have more anxiety since our babies. Hugs!