View Full Version : Strange Problem.
Hi everyone.
I thought I'd post in a forum because I was so lost trying to find anyone who shared this issue with anxiety I am having right now and couldn't that I was desperate to see if anyone was familiar with this or understood.
I've been suffering with anxiety on and off (mostly off) all my life but since Oct 2016 I have been really struggling with a terrible relapse originally triggered by insomnia fear. Then I progressed through tinnitus (terrifying) and muscle spasms/twitching/myoclonic jerks (also scary) and extreme itching all over (unbearable) All of these symptoms passed to a greater or lesser degree with the help of mindfulness.
I guess you can say I experience what they call "symptom shifting" - where your body terrifies you with one thing only to throw another symptom across the tracks to derail your recovery train when you get over the last one. Its so frustrating.
Normally, during any period of anxiety, even in the most extreme moments I will sometimes have small cracks of light that appear in the darkness. Even if just for a few moments. Seconds even. A brief glimmer of peace, a nice memory or a tiny twinge of comfort when I think of something that normally makes me relatively happy.
But last week something pretty awful happened, I had this thought that suddenly occurred to me "what if my brain accidentally makes a link between these good feelings and anxiety?" . The INSTANT I had that thought I felt this surge of panic. It was extreme and felt very sinister and malevolent. There was no time to be rational and dismiss the idea as silly because I could feel the association had already been made. The week after that was pure hell. I spent everyday worrying that good feelings of any kind: affection for loved ones, sentimental feelings over a place or book or TV show, good memories, being able to get into a good song, creative urges, etc, would now trigger anxiety in me and be ruined.
Over the next few days I could literally induce extreme anxiety even attempting to think of anything that would normally induce a small joy or comfort. Every time my brain tried to instinctively respond to something that normally makes it happy, even if for just a minute or few seconds I could feel the hand of anxiety clamping down on it and killing it instantly. It felt this strong sense of something in the happiness part of my brain short circuiting like it had now become faulty. Like an engine that was no longer able to start. I became terrified. This is the worst thing I can imagine anxiety doing to me. At least with all my other symptoms I could get some brief respite and live in the promise of knowing my peace and good feelings would/could return eventually. At least I still had the capacity for joy even if it was buried under several layers of DP, depression and terror.
Now the worst of my anxiety has passed yet I still have this problem. It seems I have lost my capacity for joy no matter how brief or small (and I live a pretty miserable life so my joys are indeed small and brief) The major constant anxiety is gone but if anything tries to ignite in my brain other that a kind of blank neutral emptiness my brain seizes and locks up, the feeling just dissipates instantly in fear. Its so fast and quick I don't even have time to "accept" it or "embrace" it like you normally do with fear to help it pass. It's not so much the anxiety anymore but the empty space it leaves where it comes in quickly and snatches the good feeling then leaves nothing. Not even fear.
Now I'm terrified that I've "broken" the serotonin circuits in my brain somehow by re-wiring them to my fear centre or something. Is that possible to do? I'm worried that if my brain can no longer produce serotonin without triggering anxiety it will just stop doing it and that major, incurable depression the only way it can go now.
Now I fear I will be sentenced to a life where all my good feelings are killed by fear the instant I feel them. How on earth do I get over this and break this connection? Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? Does anyone understand how this feels? Does it get better?
Hi everyone. I just wanted to bump this for a while in the hope that somebody, anybody may be able to help me with this. I know it was a really long post. Long rambling is a bad habit of mine, especially when terrified, which I am now.
I'm sorry its a lot to read.
I've trawled through the whole of the web using every search term I can think of in the hope that someone, anyone might understand what I'm experiencing and have some advice for me but I cannot find anyone who understands or has experienced this and I feel so alone, suicidal and desperate.
Usually when anxious, even at my absolute worst, just making myself remember that this life will eventually end helps me feel some kind of comfort and momentary peace. But I can't even feel that now without instantly feeling a lump of fear rise up which snatches that feeling away. Please is there anybody out there that can help me with this? Yesterday before my night shift I drove to somewhere quiet in my can and just cried for an hour. I feel like my sanity and will to keep going is slipping away from me. I'm terrified I will never be able to feel anything ever again. For the first time in my life I'm seriously considering ending all of this. Please help.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this.
It’s really like your anxiety is kidnapping your happy thoughts! But that’s all it is really. Your anxiety. Yes, you need to be thinking differently - you need to combat those negative thoughts by telling yourself that it’s your anxiety that’s making you think that way. It’s your anxiety that’s making you think that you’ve now reset your brain. It’s your anxiety that makes you think you will not experience joy again. Now tell that anxiety to jog on. You’ve got this x
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Thanks for replying Scass. Just a few words of encouragement is enough sometimes in the really bleak moments. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that it is just anxiety but this fear I have of never being able to feel happy again has really got me by snared on the trap.
When a good feeling tries to emerge out of hiding and my brain scares it away, I feel like I go back to square 1 on recovery each time it happens. Its so frustrating and frightening. Thanks for replying again. Just feel very alone atm. xxx
Hiyer !
Sorry I didn't see this earlier, as I can see you feel fairly desperate for some input. I think, and this is my opinion, that what you are experiencing is a type of intrusive thought. They are borne of fear and come up and make us terrified about all manner of things - in your case that you can 'break serotonin wiring'. They can also happen about just about anything under the sun, so read up on intrusive thoughts and you might find the answer to your questions about what you are experiencing.
Now I'm terrified that I've "broken" the serotonin circuits in my brain somehow by re-wiring them to my fear centre or something. Is that possible to do?
No its not possible :D:D:D
Thanks for replying Scass. Just a few words of encouragement is enough sometimes in the really bleak moments. I'm trying really hard to remind myself that it is just anxiety but this fear I have of never being able to feel happy again has really got me by snared on the trap.
When a good feeling tries to emerge out of hiding and my brain scares it away, I feel like I go back to square 1 on recovery each time it happens. Its so frustrating and frightening. Thanks for replying again. Just feel very alone atm. xxx
You’re not alone, but I know that our thoughts can make us feel very lonely. The good thing is that here you’re among people who know what you’re going through.
I suppose I’m a way that you have to keep going back to square 1 to reset your thought pattern. It’ll soon become natural again though.
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Tony, please please, really don't feel alone with your thoughts and so scared that you consider doing anything damaging to yourself. Anxiety states like this are temporary, you will resume to your normal feelings onces the fear of the unpleasant thoughts dissipates, but at the moment all your brain focus is taken up with the fears - which is why you feel 'blank' and 'numb'.
You don't mention in your posts if you are under any support networks from a counsellor, therapist or even GP, but if you aren't then I really think its time that you were. You would feel less alone if you had people to talk to about this (kind of just as you do here, but people in real life).
Thanks to everyone who replied. Its really hard to stay rational when the weather turns bad and the storm rages. I took a trip to London yesterday to see my friend with the idea of taking a break from the anxiety but it went with me of course.
I think all my life with each episode of anxiety that has come and gone, I've always worried that one day will come "the big one" that will suck me under for good. And I'm trying to believe that this is not it but I just can't see how its going to be possible recover from this one. Its the perfect trap.
So yesterday staying over with my friend, I eventually felt a feeling of relief and calm at certain point in the night, especially after reading some of the reassuring replies from all of you on here. But it was only very brief, because the instant I became aware of the relaxed feeling I felt an immediate surge of panic in response to it. The relief vanished and the anxiety started up again.
This is the perfect trap. I can't see the way out of this as I'm locked into a self perpetuating anxiety loop. If I now have panic reactions to the good feelings between anxiety attacks how are any of them ever going to be able to last beyond a few seconds? Its not even good feelings now, I feel an instant reflex of fear to even the mildest, gentlest the feelings of calm in the space between anxiety waves. We're not talking huge waves of euphoria here. My brain is now triggering panic reactions to momentary glimpses of relief.
When you recover from anxiety/depression its neurologically because your levels of certain chemicals are returning to normal right? But if the improved mood feeling that produces keeps making me panic then they're never going to be able to stay at normal levels are they? This is what has been happening to me several times a day every day for a few weeks now with no sign of improvement. I don't want to have to contemplate the idea that my brain has finally done it, and found the perfect anxiety trap to snare me on forever after all these years. But I just don't see how its going to be possible to break free of this negative feedback loop. I just fear that each time it happens the link between feeling good and panic will just get stronger.
It all feels hopeless and doomed. I'm so scared I'll never get over this one.
Mindfulness will help with this as it's helped you before :)
I don't think what you are experiencing is anything other than what many have felt, its a realisation that you feel 'ok' and then panicking that you won't in a short while - and lo and behold - immediately the fear returns. Claire Weekes called it 'glimpsing', where you had a brief mental return to normality. Having a panicky response to glimpsing is quite common. I haven't got much time to reply now, off to work, but will finish whatI wanted to say later.
I think we have all been where you have been. That's why we are here. Dont feel alone.
The 'glimpsing' idea is interesting, thanks Carys. I try to remind myself that there are millions of us around the world Mark but I suppose because I live alone and have no partner and live far away from my friends I can feel very isolated when I'm riding a particularly bad anxiety storm.
The worst of which has passed over the past couple of days thank god. I feel a lot calmer and less anxious at the moment (and cautiously optimistic)
But I am still left with the frustrating problem of having not being able to enjoy the return to normal feelings that I usually always experience after an extended period of chronic anxiety.
Right now any good feeling my brain tries to feel gets short circuited and extinguished by a sudden shot of fear. This is unusual and strange for me.
My constant anxiety has settled but I'm sort of left in a neutral, flat state where I can't feel any good emotions. If I suddenly feel affection for someone I care about or randomly remember a good memory or think of something comforting I get a sudden pain in the front of my head, a quick, sharp pulse of fear and that clear feeling of short circuiting in the brain which cuts the feeling off instantly. It just leaves behind this hole where the feeling should be. I try to go back to the emotion to see if I can re-create what spontaneously occurred but I actually can't. Its like my brain has put a block on it.
I'm worried if this continues then depression may naturally follow.
Its very much like I've developed a phobia of good feelings that I can't control. I'm just really worried that I can't break the link my brain has associated with feeling good and fear. This may be a common problem but I've tried searching it online and phrasing it many different ways and I can't find any answers. Its a strange and frightening problem for me.
Chocolateface
17-03-18, 16:01
Hi, I think I get what you are referring to. I get intrusive thoughts and sometimes they won't go, mostly when mine don't go it is because I have been woken up by something and my mind wanders. When i get one of these thoughts now I just tell myself that is is just my anxiety making me think it not the sensible me that knows better.
From my experience, talking to a psychologist helps me a lot.
I had the same feelings 2 years ago but after finding a psychologist whit whom I talk about my fears and problems I succeed in putting things more in prospective.
Sometimes we are so focused in what is happening inside our heads that we forget what is happening outside. What helped me a lot is to realize that we are not our thoughts. We get anxious because of the thought and situation in our heads. If you try to shift the attention from your thoughts to what is happening around you (and what is real) you wil probably experience some kind of calmness.
You are not your anxious thoughts. When they come up try to see them for what they are "just simple anxious thoughts" and not the reality.
I hope this helps a little.
Hi, thanks Danijel and Choc.
Yes I do have some experience with intrusive thoughts, especially in the initial cause of my breakdown which was insomnia and the obsessive thoughts about how it would give me a heart attack/stroke or make me go mad, etc. I learned not to listen to them eventually. I know how convincing they can be.
But this is different. Because it isn't a thought this time. Its not anxious thoughts that are the problem. I mean, I do occasionally have anxious thoughts that this problem won't go away. But thoughts aren't actually the problem.
Its the fact that I can't feel anything good, even once the anxiety has passed. The problem is much worse if the anxiety is bad, but worryingly, also persists after the anxiety has passed.
The problem is if I try and think about something I'd normally look forward to, something that usually makes me feel even a tiny bit happier or even just feel affection for people I care about or a good memory, as soon as my brain tries to feel something good, a pain shoots across the front of my head, and a surge of fear (not thought) rises up and then the feeling is gone. It feels almost like a short circuit. It feels like my brain now has a phobia of good feelings and blocks them when they come up. I don't know how to break the link my brain has made between feeling good and panic. I'm worried about how long this will go on for.
I don't actually have any particular problem with unwanted thoughts at the moment. I just miss my ability to feel things. I know in the middle of an anxiety storm emotionlessness and DP are common but the storm has passed now and still my brain appears too frightened to feel joy. This is worrying.
Hey everyone,
Sorry to bump the thread up again but I was still living in the hope that someone was able to relate to the specific problem I am that is proving quite difficult to explain.
A problem I am still having that is starting to worry me a bit, not enough to cause actual panic yet but may do eventually.
I am feeling a lot calmer now and the constant anxiety has almost completely gone which is good. Like I said in the previous post though it is the inability to feel anything else other than flat and neutral which is freaking me out a bit now.
As I said I know DP and emotionlessness is common during anxiety but my normal feelings usually return after the anxiety fades, as with every other episode of anxiety I've had all my life. Mine are trying to this time, but each time they do, I get a pain in the front of my head, a sudden surge of panic and then whatever good feeling trying to emerge disappears. This all happens within seconds.
The reason I don't think this is just panicky reactions to glimpsing is that good feelings are what caused the problem in the first place. As I explained in my first post, I was meditating a few weeks ago and during that session I felt good as I often do. But on this occasion I had this sudden fear about what would happen if feeling good became a trigger for anxiety.
And then exactly that is what went on to happen. Cue the weeks of bewilderment and fear after.
This isn't a struggle with intrusive thoughts at this stage. Just the simple fact that feeling good / affection or comfort or just looking forward to anything produces an instant rush of panic that takes the feeling away. Like the second I begin to feel it.
At first it was just specific emotions and strong ones that I reacted to but now my brain has become so wary and nervous of feeling it blocks anyone that comes up.
I've never experienced anything like this before, especially seeing as how its persisting so long after the anxiety has faded.
Like I said its not really an intrusive thought as I'm actually trying to talk to myself quite positively about it, but its not working. Its more like an intrusive bolt of panic that snatches any good feeling away. The stronger the good emotion the sharper the panic.
Seeing as this was originally caused by a fear of a nightmare scenario in which panic and happiness became linked, which then happened. How do I break it? In normal circumstances you would be encouraged to repeatedly expose yourself to the thing that makes you afraid like agoraphobics are made to go outside. But how do you expose yourself to something that keeps running away from you? How do I stop my brain panicking when I feel good?
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