A sexual?? Feeling so alone..

[Forever Hopeful..]

Hi All,

I have been suffering from Depression and Anxiety for many years possibly 25 years if truthful.. I am now early 40's, Male and very alone. when i was younger early to late teens i was aware that i didn't feel the same intense desire for a sexual relationship with either sex, although then it was females I was interested in or so i thought. I never went short of attention and went out with friends and dated girls.. Well this is were it all went wrong for me. I enjoyed the company and even fantasied about being married and having a family and how perfect it would be.. But i still didn't feel anything sexually towards them.. Well lets say i tried and failed miserably a numerous occasions.
Already a young man with little self confidence, and self esteem I sort hid myself away, any party's or get together's i would make an excuse, I found myself doing this more and more. So called friends called me gay so again i withdrew and by my early 20's I have very few friends.. During this time I could not understand why i was different??? Why?? I guess i must be gay, because why else would I feel the way I do about sexual activity with a female. I even join a dating site for gay men as i thought if i try maybe this would be the key to unlocking who I really am.. Well it was the same, yes I enjoyed the company but i again had no desire for anything sexual... What an earth was wrong with me?? I became very withdrawn and depressed, I blamed lots of things in my life but hid the true reasons inside.. It felt like the whole world was having a joke at my expense. I so wanted to fit in but I didn't fit into any box.. I lived in a depressed state thinking I was a freak and a worthless as faulty goods and an inadequate man.. I had never heard of A Sexual then dont even know if it was recognized back then. I have had the must horrendous time growing up and I feel I dont know how to enjoy myself or even be happy, I feel as I am just existing in life with no real purpose...
I am so confused and tired of thinking and overthinking.....
Please is there anyone who can relate? I have no direction and live in a constant stream of anxiety.. Does A sexuality really exist?

Thanks for reading

Forever Hopeful...:weep:

[KK77]

"Labels" like asexual only exist in so far as they describe a state of being and predilection, so we mustn't try to "fit in" a box or category. Not wanting sex or having no sexual desire is not an illness or weakness. As I said above, it simply describes a state of being. If two people have a mental rapport and emotional bond, sex is not vital to that relationship unless you make it so. And unfortunately, today's society does make it so.

But all that aside, you're obviously feeling unhappy and confused. You describe a traumatic and difficult time growing up and I think this requires you reaching out for help. You've made a start by joining this site and I now hope you can reach out further and speak to your GP regarding a referral to see a psychotherapist/counsellor. If you have done this already then I would urge you to not give up. You deserve to be heard - especially since you seem to have waited such a long time for this.

[t0rt01se36]

Hello Forever Hopeful.

First of all, you are not a Freak.

I am female and am Asexual. Also in my 40's.

There are plenty of websites relating to Asexuality.

I have had a few boyfriends, a very, very long time ago, but never wanted to marry them or get intimate. I have always thought intimacy is for other people and not for me.

Prefer my own company, but at times, I feel it would be nice to be with someone special.