Expectations and anxiety - how to combine them?

[Danijel]

Hello to everybody,

I am relatively new to this I have been living with anxiety sinds I was a teenager. I have had terrible depression because of my anxiety and periods I was not able to leave my house bacause I was terrified of what could happen. After the death of my mother (she was ellectrecuted in the bath when accidentally the hairdresser fell in the water) I decided to go one year in a psychiatric hospital. I am 28 years old now and somehow I managed to finish law school and finding a stable good paying job.

Looking from outside I should be happy and dont complain. I have a job, I am earning enough, I have friends. I am fulfilling the expectations that society imposes on me.

I came to realize that this expectations are making my life almoust unbearable. I am full of fear and terribly anxious. I can't sit quitely, I get almoust a hart attack when the phone is ringing. I can't fall asleep. At work I I get exhausted from all the inputs and the work. Especially presenting things, making conference calls causes paniek attacks that somehow I succeed to hide.

I am literally tired and afraid and angry at myself because I am not succeeding in enjoying my life.

Sometimes I would just want to do have a part time "easy job". But I am afraid it would not change anything but just making things worse.

Had anybody had a period like this and would be so kind to give me his or her advice or point of view.

I am going to a psychologist and take meds for my anxiety but still it is sometimes a living hell.

[Mark926]

what medicine do yo have experience with?

[Danijel]

I have been taking different medications since I was a teenager. Nothing really helped till I get hospitalized for one year and had the fortune to get acces to a team of psychologist and psychiatrist. After taking different tests and biology exams they saw that I was dealing with generalised anxiety disorder and adhd/add. I am taking now rilatin mr, cypralexa and my saviour à small daily dosage of suboxone (I want to point out that I tried at least 10 different meds before going to suboxone). They decided to put me on that as I could not function normally (I was literally blocked from anxiety). Now with this combination it is still a fight but I succed in having 'a normal life'. I have a job and I do everything that I am supposed to do.

In the future I would love to be meds free but at the moment it is not an option.

---------- Post added at 19:27 ---------- Previous post was at 19:18 ----------

Before this combination I was taking (at different moments in my life) Xanax, efexor (something like that) Cymbalta, Deanxit, Prozac, Depakote and I don't remember the names of the other meds. Unfortunately because of an injury I was prescribed tramadol (a painkiller). My anxiety was gone but I had to find help to get off of it as it is highly addictive and dangerous for your health.

[ana]

Danijel, I've always been a high achiever and, as a child and a teenager, I had many hobbies and was always busy. As an adult, I have a good job, friends and a partner, and yet I expect more of myself. I think a healthy drive to better oneself is necessary to make progress in life, but it is when we become obsessed with achieving lots that the issues happen.
My therapist has told me that the purpose to my anxiety is to justify my not achieving as much as I think I should be with the excuse of an 'illness'. Perhaps you could be experiencing something similar...

[Danijel]

Hey Ana,

Thank you for your response.

I find really interesting your last point about the purpose of your anxiety. I have also been a high achiever since I was little and I think (maybe I am wrong) that this characteristic is making my anxiety worse.

I am more afraid of not succeeding and then I try to (it is almoust something automatic) prepare for the possible issues, problems that could happen. At night I find myself thinking (in fear) of the things that could go wrong the next day at work.

This way of thinking goes sometimes so far that when I am in the bus I anxiously look at how many people are in front of the door as I am afraid I wil not have time enough to get out and than I wil be late to work, my bass wil mad. Rationally I know it is stupid but I get overwhelmed with this emotions sometimes.

Another issue is time. I feel that I don't have enough time to do everything. (not just work but also private things)
I find myself looking at the clock and the getting anxious that it is so late and I did not do everything "I think" I should do that day.

Last year there were 6 people in my team. They fired 3 and hired me. The amount of work is getting higher and higher and my anxiety is getting worse and worse.

[ana]

Hi Danijel,
I think it's definitely possible that we're similar in this respect. I think that, depending on where you live, there are a lot of expectations on people to not only succeed professionally/academically but also romantically, and just in general! On top of that, if you're the organised and responsible type who does things thoroughly, the pressure to do well in all aspects of life becomes even greater!

I understand how you feel about time, or the lack thereof. I, on the other hand, feel like I've lost a lot of time due to anxiety... 17 years and counting. I feel as though a huge chunk of my life is missing and now in my adult years I'm supposed to make up for that lost time somehow, and I don't know how. It'd be a lot easier if we could just time-travel, eh?

Is there a way you can make yourself relax a little bit and maybe find something to do that will take your mind off work? Have you tried progressive muscle relaxation or medication/ASMR as you go to bed?