clairo
16-03-18, 23:39
Helloooo. My name is Clairo and I'm very confused and gone all the time. In about September 2017 I started feeling disconnected from everything, it got worse and worse every day and now it's really bad. I feel extremly distorted and gone? I find it really hard to word it. I don't think I myself even understand how I'm feeling anymore. WELL -- I'll write a bit about myself and my past: I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 12, that's pretty much it. My OCD kind of got better then worse, better, worse all the time. Now it's okay, I think. Oh, damn, I just realised I've been feeling this unreality feeling for 8-9 months, okay, that sure is a waste of time. I reached out for help though, well, my mom did and I just went along with it. Now I'm an ambulant patient or what ever it's called... It's going pretty slow though, I feel like nothing's really happening with this ''plan'' as they called it. It started in January and I've only been there two or three times, they gave me some meds, 25mg and 50mg Quetiapine and water. I'm supposed to take the 50mg ones every night and 25mg after need. I'm not taking them. They diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia which surprised me. I personally don't believe I have schizophrenia but I believe I have something more like schizotypal, depersonalization or derealization ect., I don't know man. On March 24, I think, I'm gonna take some test. A rorschach test? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what it's called.
ALRIGHT I'm gonna write a bit more about how doing before I start rambling about pointless stuff. I've never really had any long-term friends and now I don't really have any intrest in getting friends anyway because I - honestly, I don't know why. I just think it's too much effort because of everything that's going on ect., no offense. I'm 18, people often say that's the best time of my 'life' and that I should be partying with friends and doing bla bla bla but I have no intrest in that and I prefer being alone. I might be lonely but it's okay. Everything feels surreal and strange to me, as if I'm in a dream. I can't really keep track of time anymore, my memory feels faded and same goes to my memories. I only felt disconnected from the world around me in the beginning but it's gotten a lot worse and now I feel disconnected from myself as well. My thoughts feels far away from me, sometimes I feel like I can't even think at all. I'm just floating. Everything feels far away and distant. I don't feel like myself but I still act like myself. I even say more than I used to but it doesn't feel like me talking nor doing what I do. I feel like I'm not in control of my speech and movements. I feel like I'm on autopilot and I can't stop it. I feel emotionally numb. I don't know how to truly express emotions, I always fake it. I laugh when others laugh, I smile when others smile ect., it's all fake and I know it. It's easier to fake it. The world I live in now is nothing but a test. I have no feelings for others, I can't feel love it's stupid, I feel numb and terrified. I don't even love my family anymore.
I've always been scared of death ever since I started to understand it. I got so terrified of my family members dying that I'd do stupid rituals every night to make sure they didn't die in their sleep. Apparently that was OCD and it continued. I used to be scared of people I care about dying but now it's the other way around. I'm scared that I'll die because I don't wanna have to start over again. Yet I think about suicide everyday so that's ****ing hilarious. I get overwhelmed with hopelessness and sadness out of no where multiple times a day but I rarely cry even when I want to. About my OCD: I always count to four in my head no matter what I'm doing, breathing, drinking, walking, eating ect., even if I try not to then I can't. I avoid the number two and three because it means death and if I do something twice then I'll get intrusive thoughts about dying. If I hear the word disease, corpse, pale, die, death, dying, sick, ill, cancer, illness, ect., bad words, just any words associated with negativity, something deadly or might lead to death kicks off a new or old intrusive thought. It pisses me off when people say bad words and don't say anything else for a while. There's a lot more but my OCD isn't my biggest problem since I've gotten somewhat used to it. I want someone else to kill me.
I don't know how to take care of myself because I have no motivation to do so and it's pointless anyway. My sleep schedule is wrong and I don't know how to eat right, I either eat too much or nothing at all and it's never anything healthy. I often feel dizzy and sometimes pass out but I bet that's because of how unhealthy I am. I don't shower a lot because it's too much effort. I constantly feel tired, my eyes feels exhausted all the time but sleeping is hard. I usually fall asleep between 3 am to 7 am and wake up around 1 pm then I usually stay in bed all day. I have no self-esteem nor confidence in myself, I think I'm terribly ugly, pathetic ect., that's facts though. I used to think it'd get better and that I'd be happy again but now I have no faith in that, I really don't believe I'm gonna feel better and I'm tired of trying. It's only getting worse. I'm sorry for writing so much...
The past week it's gotten a lot lot worse. I've started to question WHY and HOW I exist and what I'm made of. I just don't understand it and it freaks me out. Also the fact that I can't recognize myself in the mirror ect. just makes everything worse. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.
ALRIGHT I'm gonna write a bit more about how doing before I start rambling about pointless stuff. I've never really had any long-term friends and now I don't really have any intrest in getting friends anyway because I - honestly, I don't know why. I just think it's too much effort because of everything that's going on ect., no offense. I'm 18, people often say that's the best time of my 'life' and that I should be partying with friends and doing bla bla bla but I have no intrest in that and I prefer being alone. I might be lonely but it's okay. Everything feels surreal and strange to me, as if I'm in a dream. I can't really keep track of time anymore, my memory feels faded and same goes to my memories. I only felt disconnected from the world around me in the beginning but it's gotten a lot worse and now I feel disconnected from myself as well. My thoughts feels far away from me, sometimes I feel like I can't even think at all. I'm just floating. Everything feels far away and distant. I don't feel like myself but I still act like myself. I even say more than I used to but it doesn't feel like me talking nor doing what I do. I feel like I'm not in control of my speech and movements. I feel like I'm on autopilot and I can't stop it. I feel emotionally numb. I don't know how to truly express emotions, I always fake it. I laugh when others laugh, I smile when others smile ect., it's all fake and I know it. It's easier to fake it. The world I live in now is nothing but a test. I have no feelings for others, I can't feel love it's stupid, I feel numb and terrified. I don't even love my family anymore.
I've always been scared of death ever since I started to understand it. I got so terrified of my family members dying that I'd do stupid rituals every night to make sure they didn't die in their sleep. Apparently that was OCD and it continued. I used to be scared of people I care about dying but now it's the other way around. I'm scared that I'll die because I don't wanna have to start over again. Yet I think about suicide everyday so that's ****ing hilarious. I get overwhelmed with hopelessness and sadness out of no where multiple times a day but I rarely cry even when I want to. About my OCD: I always count to four in my head no matter what I'm doing, breathing, drinking, walking, eating ect., even if I try not to then I can't. I avoid the number two and three because it means death and if I do something twice then I'll get intrusive thoughts about dying. If I hear the word disease, corpse, pale, die, death, dying, sick, ill, cancer, illness, ect., bad words, just any words associated with negativity, something deadly or might lead to death kicks off a new or old intrusive thought. It pisses me off when people say bad words and don't say anything else for a while. There's a lot more but my OCD isn't my biggest problem since I've gotten somewhat used to it. I want someone else to kill me.
I don't know how to take care of myself because I have no motivation to do so and it's pointless anyway. My sleep schedule is wrong and I don't know how to eat right, I either eat too much or nothing at all and it's never anything healthy. I often feel dizzy and sometimes pass out but I bet that's because of how unhealthy I am. I don't shower a lot because it's too much effort. I constantly feel tired, my eyes feels exhausted all the time but sleeping is hard. I usually fall asleep between 3 am to 7 am and wake up around 1 pm then I usually stay in bed all day. I have no self-esteem nor confidence in myself, I think I'm terribly ugly, pathetic ect., that's facts though. I used to think it'd get better and that I'd be happy again but now I have no faith in that, I really don't believe I'm gonna feel better and I'm tired of trying. It's only getting worse. I'm sorry for writing so much...
The past week it's gotten a lot lot worse. I've started to question WHY and HOW I exist and what I'm made of. I just don't understand it and it freaks me out. Also the fact that I can't recognize myself in the mirror ect. just makes everything worse. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.