elvenia
17-03-18, 18:52
I am so upset. My health anxiety had all but disappeared until about a month ago, only to come back with a vengeance.
I think the problem the majority of us have is the constant state of despair in wondering if this is just HA or if this time it's real.
About 2 months ago, my quad started feeling weird. It feels tense all the time and when I do yoga it really pulls. Poses I found otherwise comfortable now feel sore and uncomfortable. I get shooting pains down my leg and my kneecap feels swollen and tender. When I stand up I can feel the discomfort so I shift my weight onto my other leg. The panic started when I started thinking 'sh*t, what if this is bone cancer underneath pushing the muscle up?'
My boyfriend had cancer a year ago, before we met. He survived and is in very good health now. I talked to him about my worries a few times and it seems to really irritate him. He tries his best to offer solutions but I just go round in circles and I think he's fed up, so I have just stopped telling him when I am having panic attacks.
Next is my mother... she is a stress bucket if I'm honest, I love her but she does not tolerate my anxiety. Today she walked into the front room only to find me dissociated and shaking because some interview with a deceased girl's family came on the tv, she had osteosarcoma and passed away last year. I froze, started shaking, zoned out and irrationally thought; this is a sign.
My mother told me to stop being so silly and to come and help her cook dinner. I did help her cook, and I stopped talking about it after she said 'I am sick of you thinking you're dying. There is nothing wrong. You do NOT have cancer. You are stressing me out.' so I kinda just stood there chopping veggies with tears streaming down my face. I feel so alone in this.
I don't really have close friends. I had 1 best friend... but we went our separate ways on new years.
I have a therapist. But I only see him every 2 weeks because his schedule is busy at the minute and our usual weekly timetable has had to change.
I can't sleep. And I am so stressed I sometimes wake up, hallucinate for a few seconds (I see spiders. Pretty common one.) and then cry. I am so tired of dealing with this, I feel trapped in my own body and as if it is on the verge of betraying me and causing me imminent suffering and death.
All I think about is ****ing death and I can't even talk to the people I love (who I know love me back but just can't handle this) about it without them getting upset, angry or passive.
I really envy people who don't give their health a second thought.
I think the problem the majority of us have is the constant state of despair in wondering if this is just HA or if this time it's real.
About 2 months ago, my quad started feeling weird. It feels tense all the time and when I do yoga it really pulls. Poses I found otherwise comfortable now feel sore and uncomfortable. I get shooting pains down my leg and my kneecap feels swollen and tender. When I stand up I can feel the discomfort so I shift my weight onto my other leg. The panic started when I started thinking 'sh*t, what if this is bone cancer underneath pushing the muscle up?'
My boyfriend had cancer a year ago, before we met. He survived and is in very good health now. I talked to him about my worries a few times and it seems to really irritate him. He tries his best to offer solutions but I just go round in circles and I think he's fed up, so I have just stopped telling him when I am having panic attacks.
Next is my mother... she is a stress bucket if I'm honest, I love her but she does not tolerate my anxiety. Today she walked into the front room only to find me dissociated and shaking because some interview with a deceased girl's family came on the tv, she had osteosarcoma and passed away last year. I froze, started shaking, zoned out and irrationally thought; this is a sign.
My mother told me to stop being so silly and to come and help her cook dinner. I did help her cook, and I stopped talking about it after she said 'I am sick of you thinking you're dying. There is nothing wrong. You do NOT have cancer. You are stressing me out.' so I kinda just stood there chopping veggies with tears streaming down my face. I feel so alone in this.
I don't really have close friends. I had 1 best friend... but we went our separate ways on new years.
I have a therapist. But I only see him every 2 weeks because his schedule is busy at the minute and our usual weekly timetable has had to change.
I can't sleep. And I am so stressed I sometimes wake up, hallucinate for a few seconds (I see spiders. Pretty common one.) and then cry. I am so tired of dealing with this, I feel trapped in my own body and as if it is on the verge of betraying me and causing me imminent suffering and death.
All I think about is ****ing death and I can't even talk to the people I love (who I know love me back but just can't handle this) about it without them getting upset, angry or passive.
I really envy people who don't give their health a second thought.