POCD confusion - please help!

[Boddle1803]

POCD is a recent development for me which stemmed from an intrusive thought during an intimate moment with my partner. The thought must have just been a result of a busy day (I work in education which made it all the more alarming). I talked to my family and they reassured me that it was nothing and that we all get weird thoughts at the wrong times. However, the thoughts started to escalate and become centred around one particular individual (makes me feel sick to write that) due to the nature of work I do and the original thought.

Again I talked to my family who told me I am being extremely silly but I could not settle. It is not in my nature whatsoever to act in that way but my mind is running in circles with "what if?" thoughts like "what if I am capable?" or "what if I feel something toward?" etc. This is when I discovered POCD last Sunday and everything made sense! The intrusive thoughts, the body scanning etc. I felt a sense of relief that I wasn't the only one going through this hell. But relief can only go so far in comparison with an anxious/OCD mind and this has been apparent over the past few days. I have not wanted to go to work, I am afraid to have intimidate moments with my partner even small things like cuddling/holding hands because I think "what if this was with a minor?" and it petrifies me. I feel like a monster.

I have visited my GP who told me to make a self-referral which I have done and now have an assessment next week. However, it's causing me a whole lot of confusion, to the point which I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. For example, the intrusive thoughts come and go and I am pretty able to just pass them off as ridiculous as I know that I would NEVER do anything of that nature so then it seems to have manifested into just a general/neutral thought e.g. the name will pop in my head. This is constant, like I always have them on my mind and it is scaring me great deal. What does it mean? I'm afraid my brain will condition itself to associate "good feelings" or even attraction with it? (Again, I hated writing this!). Or is it too late?

I don't feel like me anymore and I seem to be wearing thin on family members when I am anxious and need to talk about it. I also don't know how to feel because from what I have read it doesn't seem like 'typical' POCD.

Thanks for reading.

(Just for context: I had GAD revolving around getting/being sick for a large portion of my life but improved after hypnotherapy. OCD tendencies have been present from a young age).

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really glad to hear your family understand this. It's a very difficult theme and until you've learnt of it's existence it seems unlikely to exist outside of what the sufferer fears they may be. They are obviously enlightened about intrusive thoughts.

Please understand about your compulsions. Reacting in ways that seek to avoid or protect you from your fear will only reinforce it's importance and keep the cycle going. This is what compulsions do. So, avoiding work, certain people, being afraid to be alone with these people, shying away from intimacy with your partner, etc are all ways your subconscious is trying to keep this a legitimate fear to protect you from.

Intimacy can be difficult as it would seem immoral to keep going when these thoughts come but this is letting the obsession reinforce itself too. When this happens it's importance to dismiss thoughts as being just thoughts and not reflective of who you are or what you want. You are NOT fantasising about the context of those thoughts, it's a classic time for an intrusive thought with a sexual theme to strike. You are with your partner and it's nothing like having a fantasy about someone else at the same time or fantasising about partner either.

"What ifs" are classic anxiety. You can counter these with positive "what ifs" (3-5 at a time) if you want to try to dismiss them but there are many ways to tackle these whether direct or not. Again, it's just the subconscious trying to risk manage an element of your life. It sees a big important issue and tries to make it your focus. In reality we could have "what ifs" all day about the potential risks around us (just think driving for a start) yet it has chosen this issue? Why? Because it's seeing something you react so negatively against (with fear) because it clashes with your deep morals about this subject.

Intrusive thoughts target what we greatly fear. Parents, youth workers, teachers, etc can experience themes like this, as well as harm based thoughts, because of how strong their feelings are towards the protection of children. Someone with a strong religious background may find it attacks their religion, or their god. It won't attack unimportant things like whether you need to buy some milk when you are walking around the supermarket because it's not a thought that clashes with those deep morals/schemas, and the subconscious knows it won't get the negative reaction that this system relies on for feedback.