hope_girl
25-03-18, 20:51
Hello. I wanted to write this primarily for myself, but also to share with others and get feedback/support from people who understand what it's like to live with health anxiety. I like to look at this as a success story but it's not what you would typically think of when you hear "success story" because that implies that whatever it was you were struggling with is now gone forever, off beyond the sunset never to bother you again. Unfortunately this has not been my experience with HA. I'm not saying it's not curable. Maybe it is! I would LOVE to be completely cured. But every time I've felt finally free from it, I'm surprised by a new comeback. If you're a long term HA sufferer, you know the desperation when it returns after being silent for months, even years.
I've spent countless time working towards a cure for this thing. I've seen many counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists. I've tried special diets, eliminating inflammatory foods, eating gut healthy foods, etc. I've tried vitamins, supplements, sleep medications, anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants. I've tried various exercises, meditation, deep breathing. I've perused websites like this one, read books, talked with other HA sufferers in person. And yest, the struggle persists.
What I've realized (after being told by my therapist) is that where I am now may be as good as it gets for me. And where I am now is honestly pretty good. Yes, I have relapses into the HA. It can come on suddenly and if I'm not careful, can snowball into a long lasting problem. But I thought I would share some of the methods I've used to help myself over the years. So here goes.
First of all, I do take Cymbalta which has been a good fit for me. Not everyone wants/needs drugs to deal with things. I think it's great if you can do it without but also great if it helps! Also, I find that setting myself up for success is key; Eat healthy, get good rest, and exercise. These are common sense rules of health that help with any health issue. Having these three things in place gives me the extra padding I need to stay mentally stable when HA comes around the corner.
When I have something that triggers HA - for me the most recent thing was a friend dying suddenly - I have to accept the fact that HA has returned. Feeling ashamed that I'm back to dealing with it does absolutely NOTHING good for me. In fact, it worsens the experience and keeps me from being proactive. Accepting that this is a struggle I deal with helps me. My spouse has diabetes type 1. He's had it since childhood. He has no shame. Why should I ? It helps me to think of HA as a disease. Fortunately, I've found some treatments that work well for me.
Here is an accumulation of notes from therapy mixed with my own thoughts that helps me so much whenever I have a flare up.
The most important thing I have learned is this: Reassurance DOES NOT WORK. That's the talking to friends and family about your symptoms, looking up symptoms online, looking in forums even like this one for reassurance. Visiting doctors over and over despite their lack of concern over your symptoms DOES NOT WORK. You will grow to doubt the doctor's final judgement calls. You will think a test result got mixed up with someone else's. Bottom line: there is no end to the reassurance that you seek. It will only drive you back into the cycle - ask for reassurance, feel better temporarily, feel a need for more reassurance, then asking again.
What does work is this: understanding anxiety, responding to it healthily and acceptance. Stay with me here...
Anxiety in it's healthy state serves a real and good purpose. Did I just blow your mind? :D Well, it's true. Let's say you are about to be hit by another car while driving and you notice it about to happen. Anxiety enables you to move swiftly, think fast, and react to avoid the collision. And there you have an example of anxiety doing it's intended job. The adrenaline is secreted, you are able to perform a life saving task with precision and accuracy. Good job anxiety! This is healthy anxiety.
Unfortunately for some of us, anxiety lingers long after it has served it's purpose. It lurks in the shadows, attaching itself to anything askew in the body. This is unhealthy anxiety. Hello HA! This is what I've dealt with for about 30 years! I'm only 41 but I first noticed it as a tween. It can attach itself to your identity - I'm only okay if I'm healthy. OR - I'm only okay if I'm worrying about being healthy. Regardless, it can stick to you like glue.
But here's the thing; we can't control what our next thought will be. Try it. You can't. Because you have this subconscious mind that literally has a mind of its own. The subconscious mind is like a fertile field. All day long your conscious mind (the one you are using to read this post right now) sows seeds into that field. The subconscious field has no sense of wrong or right; of good plants and weeds. It does not distinguish. It merely grows whatever you sow there. Dwell on your fears of disease all day long - your subconscious garden will yield the worst kind of weeds with thorns and poison ivy. Those icky plants produce icky thoughts. It's a vicious cycle. Make an effort to dwell on positive thoughts - your subconscious mind will yield plants with good fruit - positive thoughts return to you. It's a beautiful cycle. What have you planted in your garden?
The good news is that the soil is rich and accepting. It doesn't take long to overpopulate the weeds with the good plants. What you chose to focus on will soon start to come back to you. Focusing on positive thoughts will push out those bad ones. I do this by envisioning the bad thoughts as rain clouds. When I have a thought like this "This cough could mean lung cancer", I choose to see the thought as a rain cloud. I think about how that cloud will make me feel if I give it the energy it needs (which is me thinking about it). I describe how it will make me feel anxious, afraid, and despairing. I know that thinking about it will give it energy which can grow it large and start a massive storm. So after I think about how it would make me feel to dwell on it, I chose to let it go. I visualize it passing over me, staying small and floating off in the distance. USually if I'm in a bad thought pattern I will get storm could after storm cloud after storm cloud. I have to repeat the exercise many times until I notice suddenly a white healthy cloud. It could be anything - a thought about how nice the sunshine feels. When I see one of these thoughts I seize it and give it all my energy. I elaborate on the thought and focus on how the warmth feels on my skin. Soon, I start getting other white healthy clouds (thoughts) coming back to me. It's truly magical when it happens. But it's really all in what I'm choosing to dwell on. This strategy has gotten me out of panic attacks and many dark corners I've backed myself into.
Bottom line: When the bad HA thoughts arise I AM NOT HELPLESS. When I have a negative thought about my health I essentially have 2 choices:
1. Give into the fear and despair.
2. Respond with action.
I have a variety of actions i can choose to respond with. Sometimes I have to go through all of them. Sometimes just one or two of these helps me out of the anxiety. Here they are in no particular order:
1. When my mind says "what if....." I reply "Thanks for sharing!" and then I move on. I have to look at my fears with some lightheartedness. 98% of them are unfounded.
2. Respond with math. Play the odds! The likelihood of having ALS in my 40's for example is so incredibly low, it's like winning the lottery. This phrase is key: "It's POSSIBLE but not PROBABLE". (I've literally repeated this to myself hundreds of times).
3. When my mind says "check that thing again" or "what if" (AGAIN!) I reply, "I will watch this and check it tomorrow. I've already checked once." The initial anxiety is lingering. Let it go. Check it tomorrow. Sometimes I have to repeat this dozens of times to myself. Just like constantly seeking reassurance, checking on a symptom will only lead you back into the vicious cycle of needing to keep checking.
4. Thank the anxiety for doing it's job and tell it "Thanks, I'll take it from here". Use the anxiety the way it was designed for. I'm not supposed to think about it. Because I've already thought about it!
5. Laugh about it. List out what you've been fearful of having and then laugh at how many diseases you've been cured of - and with no treatment! Laughing at the fear shrinks it down and exposes it for what it really is; a mere shadow, large and blown up. There's no real substance to it.
6. (this one is the hardest for me, but helpful). Go to the end of the fear. What's the worst thing that will happen? You die. You are in pain. Whatever it is - there is an end to it. Anxiety is like a half truth - it's like having Pre-TSD (not PTSD). Anxiety only gives you an awareness of the terror. You don't go all the way in as to experience the terror. You're not actually living the life of having a terrible disease - because if you are - you find help in support, treatments, doctors who can give you hope or ease your pain. Anxiety doesn't show you this side of disease. It is only the anticipation of The Great Dreaded Thing. It's smoke and mirrors. It's not real. It's incredibly powerful in it's deceit of feeling real but it's the large shadow cast by the small object. Going to the end of it reminds us we aren't actually living that life and that if we were we would have some way to get through it. Anxiety is only about terror. It's not practical.
Maybe that last one was too hard to swallow. It can feel that way. But it can also be very helpful.
After I chose my responses, I then meditate on the following thoughts:
1. Remind myself I'm not supposed to know what's going to happen. The future is unknown! We aren't supposed to know! We aren't supposed to know if our bloodwork will turn out fine.
2. Take the risk of not knowing what's going to happen. It's HEALTHY and NORMAL not to know what is going to happen with my health. With HA I feel the opposite but I have to remind myself that not knowing is the norm.
3. TRY NOT TO BE GOD. Whatever it is you believe (I believe in God), you are not in charge of the future. And trying to be is futile. Thinking bad thoughts does NOT change your future. Making sure you know the sypmtoms for colon cancer per Dr. Google does NOT change your future.
4. I'm not failing if I don't know. I'm actually right where I'm supposed to be. That's right. Not knowing if that weird flutter in your heart is a heart problem or not is where you are supposed to be. You are not failing. You are human and normal.
ACCEPTANCE. This is what my acceptance looks like:
- Acceptance that I am not supposed to know. I tell myself to find peace in the not knowing, to rest in the freedom from needing to know if I'm sick or not. To find freedom from feeling like something is wrong if I don't know what's causing some physical symptom.
- Value this "not knowing". This is the normal, healthy way of living. We don't know what is down the road for us. We don't know what lies ahead. There is value in placing your life in the hands of another (if you believe in God, this is what you do). It's submission to the future.
- Accept the risk of not knowing and accept that I may be uncomfortable until the current symptom goes away. This is normal.
The final step I take is APPLICATION.
- all of this knowledge allows me to be free from being hyper-vigilant.
- this means being okay with not knowing - the mystery is not for me to know.
- this frees me up to get energy to take a step when I am actually in danger. I'm not supposed to exist in a a highly protective mode. I'm supposed to be in a relaxed mode so I can be more resilient for the future. I want to have more energy and brain space for life. I have kids and a job and friends and family. I want my energy to be spent growing my relationships, parenting well, and being productive. I can't do that in a hyper vigilant health anxiety state. It's just not possible. But finding freedom to let go of the need to know - if I have cancer (for example) - gives me the chance to be in a relaxed mode!
************************************************** *******
As I said in the beginning of the post, I am mainly posting this for myself. I have all these scattered notes and putting them together in once place will help me and hopefully someone else out there.
You are not alone in this suffering. And it is suffering. Thankfully there are tools available if you seek them out.
Meanwhile I'll be working on overcoming my anxiety :) Maybe one day I can write a post titled how I overCAME HA, but until then I will sow good thoughts, remind myself of the truth, and chose to be proactive.
peace out
I've spent countless time working towards a cure for this thing. I've seen many counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists. I've tried special diets, eliminating inflammatory foods, eating gut healthy foods, etc. I've tried vitamins, supplements, sleep medications, anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants. I've tried various exercises, meditation, deep breathing. I've perused websites like this one, read books, talked with other HA sufferers in person. And yest, the struggle persists.
What I've realized (after being told by my therapist) is that where I am now may be as good as it gets for me. And where I am now is honestly pretty good. Yes, I have relapses into the HA. It can come on suddenly and if I'm not careful, can snowball into a long lasting problem. But I thought I would share some of the methods I've used to help myself over the years. So here goes.
First of all, I do take Cymbalta which has been a good fit for me. Not everyone wants/needs drugs to deal with things. I think it's great if you can do it without but also great if it helps! Also, I find that setting myself up for success is key; Eat healthy, get good rest, and exercise. These are common sense rules of health that help with any health issue. Having these three things in place gives me the extra padding I need to stay mentally stable when HA comes around the corner.
When I have something that triggers HA - for me the most recent thing was a friend dying suddenly - I have to accept the fact that HA has returned. Feeling ashamed that I'm back to dealing with it does absolutely NOTHING good for me. In fact, it worsens the experience and keeps me from being proactive. Accepting that this is a struggle I deal with helps me. My spouse has diabetes type 1. He's had it since childhood. He has no shame. Why should I ? It helps me to think of HA as a disease. Fortunately, I've found some treatments that work well for me.
Here is an accumulation of notes from therapy mixed with my own thoughts that helps me so much whenever I have a flare up.
The most important thing I have learned is this: Reassurance DOES NOT WORK. That's the talking to friends and family about your symptoms, looking up symptoms online, looking in forums even like this one for reassurance. Visiting doctors over and over despite their lack of concern over your symptoms DOES NOT WORK. You will grow to doubt the doctor's final judgement calls. You will think a test result got mixed up with someone else's. Bottom line: there is no end to the reassurance that you seek. It will only drive you back into the cycle - ask for reassurance, feel better temporarily, feel a need for more reassurance, then asking again.
What does work is this: understanding anxiety, responding to it healthily and acceptance. Stay with me here...
Anxiety in it's healthy state serves a real and good purpose. Did I just blow your mind? :D Well, it's true. Let's say you are about to be hit by another car while driving and you notice it about to happen. Anxiety enables you to move swiftly, think fast, and react to avoid the collision. And there you have an example of anxiety doing it's intended job. The adrenaline is secreted, you are able to perform a life saving task with precision and accuracy. Good job anxiety! This is healthy anxiety.
Unfortunately for some of us, anxiety lingers long after it has served it's purpose. It lurks in the shadows, attaching itself to anything askew in the body. This is unhealthy anxiety. Hello HA! This is what I've dealt with for about 30 years! I'm only 41 but I first noticed it as a tween. It can attach itself to your identity - I'm only okay if I'm healthy. OR - I'm only okay if I'm worrying about being healthy. Regardless, it can stick to you like glue.
But here's the thing; we can't control what our next thought will be. Try it. You can't. Because you have this subconscious mind that literally has a mind of its own. The subconscious mind is like a fertile field. All day long your conscious mind (the one you are using to read this post right now) sows seeds into that field. The subconscious field has no sense of wrong or right; of good plants and weeds. It does not distinguish. It merely grows whatever you sow there. Dwell on your fears of disease all day long - your subconscious garden will yield the worst kind of weeds with thorns and poison ivy. Those icky plants produce icky thoughts. It's a vicious cycle. Make an effort to dwell on positive thoughts - your subconscious mind will yield plants with good fruit - positive thoughts return to you. It's a beautiful cycle. What have you planted in your garden?
The good news is that the soil is rich and accepting. It doesn't take long to overpopulate the weeds with the good plants. What you chose to focus on will soon start to come back to you. Focusing on positive thoughts will push out those bad ones. I do this by envisioning the bad thoughts as rain clouds. When I have a thought like this "This cough could mean lung cancer", I choose to see the thought as a rain cloud. I think about how that cloud will make me feel if I give it the energy it needs (which is me thinking about it). I describe how it will make me feel anxious, afraid, and despairing. I know that thinking about it will give it energy which can grow it large and start a massive storm. So after I think about how it would make me feel to dwell on it, I chose to let it go. I visualize it passing over me, staying small and floating off in the distance. USually if I'm in a bad thought pattern I will get storm could after storm cloud after storm cloud. I have to repeat the exercise many times until I notice suddenly a white healthy cloud. It could be anything - a thought about how nice the sunshine feels. When I see one of these thoughts I seize it and give it all my energy. I elaborate on the thought and focus on how the warmth feels on my skin. Soon, I start getting other white healthy clouds (thoughts) coming back to me. It's truly magical when it happens. But it's really all in what I'm choosing to dwell on. This strategy has gotten me out of panic attacks and many dark corners I've backed myself into.
Bottom line: When the bad HA thoughts arise I AM NOT HELPLESS. When I have a negative thought about my health I essentially have 2 choices:
1. Give into the fear and despair.
2. Respond with action.
I have a variety of actions i can choose to respond with. Sometimes I have to go through all of them. Sometimes just one or two of these helps me out of the anxiety. Here they are in no particular order:
1. When my mind says "what if....." I reply "Thanks for sharing!" and then I move on. I have to look at my fears with some lightheartedness. 98% of them are unfounded.
2. Respond with math. Play the odds! The likelihood of having ALS in my 40's for example is so incredibly low, it's like winning the lottery. This phrase is key: "It's POSSIBLE but not PROBABLE". (I've literally repeated this to myself hundreds of times).
3. When my mind says "check that thing again" or "what if" (AGAIN!) I reply, "I will watch this and check it tomorrow. I've already checked once." The initial anxiety is lingering. Let it go. Check it tomorrow. Sometimes I have to repeat this dozens of times to myself. Just like constantly seeking reassurance, checking on a symptom will only lead you back into the vicious cycle of needing to keep checking.
4. Thank the anxiety for doing it's job and tell it "Thanks, I'll take it from here". Use the anxiety the way it was designed for. I'm not supposed to think about it. Because I've already thought about it!
5. Laugh about it. List out what you've been fearful of having and then laugh at how many diseases you've been cured of - and with no treatment! Laughing at the fear shrinks it down and exposes it for what it really is; a mere shadow, large and blown up. There's no real substance to it.
6. (this one is the hardest for me, but helpful). Go to the end of the fear. What's the worst thing that will happen? You die. You are in pain. Whatever it is - there is an end to it. Anxiety is like a half truth - it's like having Pre-TSD (not PTSD). Anxiety only gives you an awareness of the terror. You don't go all the way in as to experience the terror. You're not actually living the life of having a terrible disease - because if you are - you find help in support, treatments, doctors who can give you hope or ease your pain. Anxiety doesn't show you this side of disease. It is only the anticipation of The Great Dreaded Thing. It's smoke and mirrors. It's not real. It's incredibly powerful in it's deceit of feeling real but it's the large shadow cast by the small object. Going to the end of it reminds us we aren't actually living that life and that if we were we would have some way to get through it. Anxiety is only about terror. It's not practical.
Maybe that last one was too hard to swallow. It can feel that way. But it can also be very helpful.
After I chose my responses, I then meditate on the following thoughts:
1. Remind myself I'm not supposed to know what's going to happen. The future is unknown! We aren't supposed to know! We aren't supposed to know if our bloodwork will turn out fine.
2. Take the risk of not knowing what's going to happen. It's HEALTHY and NORMAL not to know what is going to happen with my health. With HA I feel the opposite but I have to remind myself that not knowing is the norm.
3. TRY NOT TO BE GOD. Whatever it is you believe (I believe in God), you are not in charge of the future. And trying to be is futile. Thinking bad thoughts does NOT change your future. Making sure you know the sypmtoms for colon cancer per Dr. Google does NOT change your future.
4. I'm not failing if I don't know. I'm actually right where I'm supposed to be. That's right. Not knowing if that weird flutter in your heart is a heart problem or not is where you are supposed to be. You are not failing. You are human and normal.
ACCEPTANCE. This is what my acceptance looks like:
- Acceptance that I am not supposed to know. I tell myself to find peace in the not knowing, to rest in the freedom from needing to know if I'm sick or not. To find freedom from feeling like something is wrong if I don't know what's causing some physical symptom.
- Value this "not knowing". This is the normal, healthy way of living. We don't know what is down the road for us. We don't know what lies ahead. There is value in placing your life in the hands of another (if you believe in God, this is what you do). It's submission to the future.
- Accept the risk of not knowing and accept that I may be uncomfortable until the current symptom goes away. This is normal.
The final step I take is APPLICATION.
- all of this knowledge allows me to be free from being hyper-vigilant.
- this means being okay with not knowing - the mystery is not for me to know.
- this frees me up to get energy to take a step when I am actually in danger. I'm not supposed to exist in a a highly protective mode. I'm supposed to be in a relaxed mode so I can be more resilient for the future. I want to have more energy and brain space for life. I have kids and a job and friends and family. I want my energy to be spent growing my relationships, parenting well, and being productive. I can't do that in a hyper vigilant health anxiety state. It's just not possible. But finding freedom to let go of the need to know - if I have cancer (for example) - gives me the chance to be in a relaxed mode!
************************************************** *******
As I said in the beginning of the post, I am mainly posting this for myself. I have all these scattered notes and putting them together in once place will help me and hopefully someone else out there.
You are not alone in this suffering. And it is suffering. Thankfully there are tools available if you seek them out.
Meanwhile I'll be working on overcoming my anxiety :) Maybe one day I can write a post titled how I overCAME HA, but until then I will sow good thoughts, remind myself of the truth, and chose to be proactive.
peace out