mindyanajones
27-03-18, 04:42
I see just a few posts below this one there's another unfortunate soul in the ALS rabbit hole. I'm glad this forum exists, if only for the group therapy like approach it has to being able to talk to people who are going through the same crap you are, but it's saddening to see how many of us are here.
I don't know that I'm really looking for reassurance. I know that's not what's healthy. I've started therapy. My PCP has me on an anti-anxiety med which... so far clearly doesn't really seem to be working that well since I'm still here. I went to her a month ago complaining of a feeling of muscle weakness that had started in my left arm and hand and had seemingly just spread to my entire left side with muscle twitching all over starting the day after I noticed the weakness. She did a neuro exam, checking muscle strength and patellar reflexes, and deemed me perfectly fine, that because I wasn't slurring my words or stumbling that I didn't have ALS. She had a brother-in-law who had the disease and I didn't present anything like it.
If only that had settled it. I was mostly able to relax for a couple weeks, though none of the symptoms I had have ever went away. I still have twitching. My left hand, specifically my thumb and pointer finger still feel weird, like they don't work right. When I wake up in the morning I feel shakey and weak, especially in my left hand and like there's a buzzing feeling through my whole body. I constantly feel like I need to stretch. My entire left side feels like jelly sometimes, and my left leg and foot don't feel normal when I walk. I still feel like I'm having almost imperceptible tremors (my front teeth chatter every so slightly.)
But now my recent freak out tonight is that I feel like my swallowing is impaired. I'm not choking. I'm not gagging, but when I eat it feels like the food slips down into my throat faster than it should. My throat feels weak and like jello. And I'm trying not to convince myself that I'm losing my voice or that it sounds weaker. Essentially, I don't feel my baseline normal.
My body doesn't feel like my own, anymore, and I'm exhausted of this. I'm so sick of being scared. I'm a nursing student who's going to be graduating in a month, and I feel like I can't even enjoy it because I keep thinking about how I'm going to die and won't be able to be a nurse for very long, that my mother will be stuck taking care of another sick family member.
How do you guys deal with the flare ups of "symptoms"? How do you convince yourself that it's all just in your head? I've suffered with anxiety for years, now, and it's never been bad enough that I've developed symptoms like this. Chest tightness, sure. A jittery feeling, sure. Heart racing, absolutely. But stuff like this? Never. Not until a month ago. It just boggles my mind that this is just -- my mind. How can it just continue for months even though you know that it's just anxiety?
I don't know that I'm really looking for reassurance. I know that's not what's healthy. I've started therapy. My PCP has me on an anti-anxiety med which... so far clearly doesn't really seem to be working that well since I'm still here. I went to her a month ago complaining of a feeling of muscle weakness that had started in my left arm and hand and had seemingly just spread to my entire left side with muscle twitching all over starting the day after I noticed the weakness. She did a neuro exam, checking muscle strength and patellar reflexes, and deemed me perfectly fine, that because I wasn't slurring my words or stumbling that I didn't have ALS. She had a brother-in-law who had the disease and I didn't present anything like it.
If only that had settled it. I was mostly able to relax for a couple weeks, though none of the symptoms I had have ever went away. I still have twitching. My left hand, specifically my thumb and pointer finger still feel weird, like they don't work right. When I wake up in the morning I feel shakey and weak, especially in my left hand and like there's a buzzing feeling through my whole body. I constantly feel like I need to stretch. My entire left side feels like jelly sometimes, and my left leg and foot don't feel normal when I walk. I still feel like I'm having almost imperceptible tremors (my front teeth chatter every so slightly.)
But now my recent freak out tonight is that I feel like my swallowing is impaired. I'm not choking. I'm not gagging, but when I eat it feels like the food slips down into my throat faster than it should. My throat feels weak and like jello. And I'm trying not to convince myself that I'm losing my voice or that it sounds weaker. Essentially, I don't feel my baseline normal.
My body doesn't feel like my own, anymore, and I'm exhausted of this. I'm so sick of being scared. I'm a nursing student who's going to be graduating in a month, and I feel like I can't even enjoy it because I keep thinking about how I'm going to die and won't be able to be a nurse for very long, that my mother will be stuck taking care of another sick family member.
How do you guys deal with the flare ups of "symptoms"? How do you convince yourself that it's all just in your head? I've suffered with anxiety for years, now, and it's never been bad enough that I've developed symptoms like this. Chest tightness, sure. A jittery feeling, sure. Heart racing, absolutely. But stuff like this? Never. Not until a month ago. It just boggles my mind that this is just -- my mind. How can it just continue for months even though you know that it's just anxiety?