Scaldris
28-03-18, 17:10
HI and sorry if I post this in the wrong thread.
I have a strong fear that what if I'm loosing my mind, going crazy having schizophrenia in a way or other or just being schizoid.. I know I have ocd,I haven't been diagnosed and I know I shouldn' self diagnose, but I recently recovered from hocd. When I was younger I remember I was anxious about everything, had a fear that if I don't chew my food for a long time I will choke on it etc..
So this schizoid/going mad fear started last summer when I was having ahard time with hocd, my anxiety levels were over the roof and I've experienced a bit more deja vu recently. This died down a little, I tried not to care about it, like with ocd. But it tried to get me with everything. Like when I read something and make mistakes this fear points out that this is because my braun malfunctions, or when I wake up it makes me feel strange and tells me this is also a sign. If I dont care about it there are none of these present.But the main focus is relationships..I've always wanted friends, a boyfriend and all but I was bullied in school, even a little in kindergarten. So when I got together with someone I adored that would instantly fade and feel annoyance instead, and the need to just leave the relationship. For example, I like a boy since I was 6-7, got together with him last year when hocd was strong and I could only feel happy sometimes, noticed I have a fear of baing intimate with him..maybe because I did not trust him, I dont know, it ended badly anyway. A few months later I've met a few new people and started to like a guy.Winter he invited me to a date, and it was the time of my life, I've never felt this great with anyone.Dates passed and we got together, but I did not feel THAT love.I've got anxious every time I was with him from then on, desired to have intimacy with him, but then my fear awoken and I felt like I will throw up.. But lately his fear got intense...If I chat with a guy and think how great would it be with a boyfriend then my fear kicks in and I start to cry. I mostly stay home, but I love spending time with my friends, once even travelled to the capital city with them (which is far) for 2 days and had no fear, did not want to stay home instead.I'm fine around people, sometimes I have a little passing fear that what if I annoy them or they dont like me but thats all. I love my family, and my friends. I would love to have close friendships.
The most frightening thing/"symptom" for me is the "fantasy world" one. I'm an artist myself, I like being creative, love fantasy themes and have a little story since I was a child. I would like to make this story into a comic and usually I daydream and build this tale...So this part scares me the most, because I know I want a relationship, be around people even tho I'm shy.
It might be because of high stress, it's my last year in high school. I forgot to mention that I'm 18, female. Thank you if you read this, please help me by giving your thoughts on this. Thanks.
I have a strong fear that what if I'm loosing my mind, going crazy having schizophrenia in a way or other or just being schizoid.. I know I have ocd,I haven't been diagnosed and I know I shouldn' self diagnose, but I recently recovered from hocd. When I was younger I remember I was anxious about everything, had a fear that if I don't chew my food for a long time I will choke on it etc..
So this schizoid/going mad fear started last summer when I was having ahard time with hocd, my anxiety levels were over the roof and I've experienced a bit more deja vu recently. This died down a little, I tried not to care about it, like with ocd. But it tried to get me with everything. Like when I read something and make mistakes this fear points out that this is because my braun malfunctions, or when I wake up it makes me feel strange and tells me this is also a sign. If I dont care about it there are none of these present.But the main focus is relationships..I've always wanted friends, a boyfriend and all but I was bullied in school, even a little in kindergarten. So when I got together with someone I adored that would instantly fade and feel annoyance instead, and the need to just leave the relationship. For example, I like a boy since I was 6-7, got together with him last year when hocd was strong and I could only feel happy sometimes, noticed I have a fear of baing intimate with him..maybe because I did not trust him, I dont know, it ended badly anyway. A few months later I've met a few new people and started to like a guy.Winter he invited me to a date, and it was the time of my life, I've never felt this great with anyone.Dates passed and we got together, but I did not feel THAT love.I've got anxious every time I was with him from then on, desired to have intimacy with him, but then my fear awoken and I felt like I will throw up.. But lately his fear got intense...If I chat with a guy and think how great would it be with a boyfriend then my fear kicks in and I start to cry. I mostly stay home, but I love spending time with my friends, once even travelled to the capital city with them (which is far) for 2 days and had no fear, did not want to stay home instead.I'm fine around people, sometimes I have a little passing fear that what if I annoy them or they dont like me but thats all. I love my family, and my friends. I would love to have close friendships.
The most frightening thing/"symptom" for me is the "fantasy world" one. I'm an artist myself, I like being creative, love fantasy themes and have a little story since I was a child. I would like to make this story into a comic and usually I daydream and build this tale...So this part scares me the most, because I know I want a relationship, be around people even tho I'm shy.
It might be because of high stress, it's my last year in high school. I forgot to mention that I'm 18, female. Thank you if you read this, please help me by giving your thoughts on this. Thanks.