View Full Version : Little down
Hi there all
I have not been on nmp for a while but at the moment im a little bit down as its a year since i found out again that i had cancer and a bloke i know who had stomach cancer at the same time as me died the other day and i am devastated and it brings cancer more to the front of my mind.
I know you cant plan the future but you can make plans but i am finding this very hard.
I feel things are getting on top of me.
Im seeing a cancer psychologist to help me move on with my life. I just cant seem to move on.
I feel really upset just writing this and worry people will be sick of me going on about cancer and anxiety
With the therapist we also talk about my anxiety together with the cancer.
She asks how i feel about being in situations and when i met her yesterday she said the word trapped keeps cropping up. i Feel trapped in situations i dont think i can get out of and trapped in the past. She said she thinks im trapped with my emotions as i tend to keep them to myself all the time and try to protect everybody. I need to let them all out. She is also setting up a plan for me to work on getting out and about more on my own.
She metioned that i cant be responsible for other peoples emotions if they get upset if i tell them how im feeling. i worry if i tell my family and friends how i really feel it will upset them and then its my fault that they are like that - if you know what i mean.
I just dont seem to be improving with my anxiety and im so wanting to.
Just come back from my hols and i had three panics whilst i was there and i hate them but i no to move on you have to go through them. the trouble is im so scared of them that i darent try to move out of my safety zone. any advise would be appreciated.
Sorry for going on but im struggling
love
bobsy
Hi there bobsy,
so sorry to hear about your friend :weep: You really have a lot to deal with don't you. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, she sounds like she talks a lot of sense. You really do need to talk about this, people are frightended about this sort of situation and don't always have the right words, but those who care about you will listen i am sure.
I don't know much about coping with safety zones etc as its different for me (i have health anx) but i know there are lots of others on here who do.
Never be afraid to come on here to ask for help or a listening ear,
:hugs: :hugs:
anx xx
Bobsy,
Aww mate sorry to hear you are feeling down at the minute :weep:
Firstly no-one is sick of you going on about cancer, you have been throught hell and back the past year and I for one am so proud of how you have dealt with it all and how you have come out the other side still the same lovable person you were before.
Secondly you went on holiday and had 3 panic attacks ??? Mate at least you went, something a lot of us can't even bring our selves to do yet, and if that isn't moving away from your comfort zone then I really don't know what is :yesyes:
Just take things a day at a time and venture a little bit further from home every few weeks, and if the panic comes, you know it wont hurt you, and as I have found if you have an attack somewhere, then go back to that place another day and keep going back until the panic realises that its not going to stop you from doing what you want to do.
You are a big inspiration to a lot of people Bobs and dont ever forget that, and I am proud to have you as one of my friends.
Love ya loads
Trac xxxx
Hi Bobsy,
Lovely to hear from you again.
I'm sorry about your friend and to hear that you are feeling down. :weep:
You know you are always welcome to come and talk here - no problem. Also well done on your holiday, and as Trac said that was an achievement in itself.
Warm hugs :hugs:
Ray
:shades:
Hi ya hun,
Welcome back from your hols again! The way you were feeling before you went meant you were doubly brave to go - like Trac says alot of us don't feel able to make that step yet, so do be massively proud of yourself!!!:yesyes:
I always think you are hard on yourself lovie and only to seem to see your failings rather than all your strengths. Although it is a great quality to think of other peoples feelings, perhaps in this case you may like to think about not taking responsiblity for the feelings of others so literally hun. The therapist is spot on about that - you can't take responsibility for the way others react to what you tell them.:lac:
Obviously we don't all go round telling people things we know are going to deliberately freak them out but telling people how you feel in a responsible manner is a normal part of life.
As regards the cancer thing hun - you have been very brave to tackle an illness that scares us all. I for one though want to try and break through that fear factor about the word cancer. Cancer is the same as lots of other diseases and illnesses that are equally potentially life threatening, so it's a shame that the very word evokes such a reaction, much more so than for other conditions. I know plenty of people who have had this illness and most of them have recovered!!!!
You are Bobsy the person and are not defined by the fact you have had cancer. That was an illness that you can now leave behind.
Be very proud of your strengths and every night say to yourself good things that you have managed that day and stop beating yourself up about the stuff you haven't.
Like Trac says again - I am proud to have you as a friend! :yesyes:
Lots of love from Piglet :hugs:
Bobsy, OMG !!!! :ohmy:
today I was sitting in a music shop waiting for my son and I suddenly thought of you , I thought "I wonder how bobsy is ?" cos I havent heard from you in ages. So I come on here and read your post :shrug: ,HOW STRANGE.
Im sorry to read about your friend passing away, this is bound to upset you in many ways, 1 : cos he was your friend and 2 : cos it makes you feel vunerable. But lots of people do survive CANCER and you are one of them,
you are here today talking about your experiances that none of us can completely comprehend, you have faced your worst fears and come out the other side, you are a fighter and no matter how many anxiety or panic attacks you have, you know they wont hurt you and their will be calm after the storm :hugs: .
Bobsy , today I too had an awful panic attack at the school, It is bloody difficult to live with isnt it, but it passes, we cant hold onto it, for what good what that do us ?
Do you do any meditation ? or mindfulness ? Its very good for helping the racing thoughts. And remember you can come here any time and have a good moan about cancer / anxiety ect :winks:
Thanks for all your replies. You have me in tears here saying all those nice things.
With regard to the cancer I really want to talk to certain people about my fears and anxieties but because i think i'm a pain i dont say what i think but I need to talk to the people involved to get the emotions out of my system and this i am working on.
With regard to the anxiety Im just sick of the fear of fear. I believe my anxiety is caused due to the sudden deaths of my dad, grandad and grandma within 16 months of each other in 1986 and 87. This i dont think i've ever got over as i never spoke about it. My dad died on his way home from work from a heart attack and he was on his own driving home as he felt unwell, my gran died of a heart attack and my grandad died of stomach cancer.
I'm also sick of not doing things "just in case" i panic. i mean when we were abroad last week we went to a theme park and i did not dare go on rides as i felt trapped as i was scared in case i panicked and i could not get off. i was not scared of the rides just scared of the what if i panic. We were also supposed to go to barcelona for the day but the day before i had a massive panic and i could not face going. i felt like id let myself down as i wanted to go. my son had to go with his gran and grandad and myself and my partner stayed round the pool
I don't no if it's because i need to be near people as i think either they are gonna die suddenly and i will be left on my own or i am gonna die suddenly. I always seems to be safer near people but thereagain i hate being near loads of people as i feel trapped - so i dont really understand myself.
Therapist said i have to stay with doing the walk home from work for now until i can do it without any anxiety before i move on to the next goal.
Thanks for your support
lots of love
bobsy x x x
honeybee3939
13-07-07, 20:37
Hiya Bobsy
How lovely to hear from you:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: So sorry to hear you are feeling down, but i know your a strong one hun and will soon be back on your feet again:) . I think you have done so well and i for one am very proud of you hun !! You are a inspiration to us all!:)
We never did get around to meeting up did we Bobsy for a natter,Do you fancy a meet up? maybe we could get some others to come along too. i could always start a new thread in the meet-up section. Would give us both something to focus on wouldnt it hun, let me know if you fancy it.
Hugs to you my friend:hugs: :hugs:
Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxxx
Therapist said i have to stay with doing the walk home from work for now until i can do it without any anxiety before i move on to the next goal
bobsy x x x
Bobs mate that is really good advice - you always seem to feel you could be doing more all the time, which is what I mean about being hard on yourself. Try and be as kind to yourself as you are to us lot when we struggle.
You're not in competition with anyone, anything, or with yourself my lovely - so relax the demands you make upon yourself.
It's the journey that we could be focussing on and enjoying, not the destination, as the saying goes.
Night night hun.
Love Piglet :flowers:
Thanks again trac, pig, anx, mirry and andi for your kind words.
I find it hard and emotional when people say nice things about me as i dont believe people actually like me. I also worry that people talk about me behind my back - like they used to at school or work.
All what you have said are right i do always focus on the bad and not the good and when i actually sit back and look at what ive been through and what ive done this year it is a lot. it just does not seem it as i want to be normal and do normal run of the mill stuff like most people. Although i do understand that other people have different sorts of problems in their life.
Its just with having the cancer twice now i really want to much to get rid of the anxiety and do so much with my life. Ive had this anxiety for 20 years now and its all ive really known how to react to things. Anxiety is a very bad way of life for me and i dont know how to sort it at the moment.
As i said above its the fear of fear and what ifs and dont do it just in case that i want to get rid of. How do i stop thinking all these things before i do stuff. its not that i dont want to do stuff its just that i bloody well darent as all these words come in to my mind to protect me from somethings that i think may happen to me - hope i am making sense.!!
I am really tired of being like this as there is certainly more to life than just existing which is what i seem to be doing at the moment.
Any advice again on the fear of fear, what ifs and dont do it just in case would be most welcomed.
Again thanks for listening take care my mates and would like to say how proud i am of you all just lately on you all getting out and about more A BIG WELL DONE TO YOU KEEP AT IT.
love
bobs
I also worry that people talk about me behind my back - like they used to at school or work.
None of us really like this either mate but in the whole scheme of things does it really matter!!
All what you have said are right i do always focus on the bad and not the good and when i actually sit back and look at what ive been through and what ive done this year it is a lot. it just does not seem it as i want to be normal and do normal run of the mill stuff like most people.
Perhaps just lower your standards a tad hun. You are normal - don't imagine that everyone else you ever come across doesn't get anxiety about doing allsorts of things cos they do and I don't mean just us lot on here I mean the world in general.
As i said above its the fear of fear and what ifs and dont do it just in case that i want to get rid of. How do i stop thinking all these things before i do stuff.
Well now you know you do think them perhaps you can start replacing some of those 'what if's with 'so what's'. It takes time Bobs but it is possible.
I am really tired of being like this as there is certainly more to life than just existing which is what i seem to be doing at the moment.
When we all hit blips this is how we feel but you're not tellin me that over the last 20 years there haven't been some good moments aswell as the not so good. Us anxious lot are very good a making sweeping assesments when we are feeling down. Try not to let your present mood colour your rational judgement.
I would try and get some fun in your life matey by doing things that you would really like to do, not the things you think you should be doing. Try and think of yourself as a unique human being who is special just as they are.
One of my Louise Hay cards says something about not waiting till we are perfect to enjoy ourselves, cos we will miss so much in the meantime.
Love Piglet :flowers:
Thanks for your messages
Piglet your exactly right mate.
Well today i approached my day differently. i walked tall and with my head high. Its been nice here today so that made a difference. I kept saying in my head "its none of my business what people think of me" if i thought people were staring at me. This is what was said on kyles academy to tracey who thought people were looking at her.
I decided that until i feel ok with the panics and learn how not to be fearful of them when they come, i'm going to use the distraction or any other techniques that i find helpful to get me through the panic when i can feel it coming on. Then once i learn how not to be scared of it i will not need the distraction techniques anymore. I honestly don't no which way i'd been trying before. it feels like ive just been going roung in circles not knowing which is the right way to do stuff. Im realising that everyone is different and whatever works for an individual is fine.
The lady i see, said for now i had to try the distraction techniques before i started to do anything. so for example when going out for a practice walk take my homework with me that i need to revise for my anatomy and physiology exam and concentrate on that and hopefully the bad files will not come in my mind. Today i did not use that as i felt ok before i left work so used my ipod but i had my notes in my bag in case i needed them.
Im feeling a little more positive today hope it continues.
Piglet mate i hope you are feeling well and also the little piglets.
Trac well done on your visit to the dentist ,not nice i know but its all practice. - I hope you soon feel better too.
I'm going to just stay with this for now until i find i can do it with a little anxiety before i move on to my next rung of the ladder and start doing something else that i find difficult in my goal setting.
Well tonight its my running and last time i went i had three panics and i hated it but i survived. not really looking forward to it but i'm off.
Catch you all soon
love bobs x x x
good for you Bobsy !!!
well done holding your head high, you are as good as the next person and dont you forget that !
Yesturday my hubby took me into town in the car, well Ive discovered a new coping technique... I popped a chewing gum into my mouth and when i felt the anxiety creeping up i started chewing "really really" hard, it was almost like anger and In my head ,I felt really angry and said "BRING IT ON"
wow the feeling went totally and we had a nice day.
So now my bag is stocked up with chewing gum ,lol.
we must carry on , we will have bad days but its what days we wish to dwell on, I am keeping a GOOD DAYS diary, its my evidence.
take care
Paddington
17-07-07, 11:08
Hi Bobsy:hugs: i do know where you are coming from with the cancer situation[we did have some contact at one point hun,bit it sort of fizzled out..i tried the chat room but didn't like it :blush: ]People react the waythey do thru fear!I am sure of it..if i ever mention my cancer op..or the after effects ,i am met with blank looks or shuffling of feet:mad: IT IS THEY WHO CANT COPE HUN..YOU ARE DOING BRILLIANTLY:flowers: Some days you will be down over it .Your friend dieing is so sad ,,and a reminder of your own mortality.Being a cancer patient ..be it survivor or terminal..is like being in a special club we never asked to join!But there is a tacit understanding between us all i believe :flowers: Here if you want to talk ever hun:flowers: As for the panics..erm...holidays..abroad..theme parks..running..erm need i go on:ohmy: you are doing so well Bobsy..I too look on the negative side at times and then forget how narrow my boundaries were..i still panic i still feel trapped[my word also:blush: ]but i am not as trapped as i once was..you are coming along in leaps and bounds..dont doubt yourself hun:flowers: Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxx
How did the running go hun??
Mirry - what a fab idea keeping a diary of the good days. It's said we get more of what we focus on, so how much better then to focus on those good days and let the bad days become a distant memory. I also laughed at the chewing gum, cos that is one I have recently done in exactly the same way lol!!!
Pads - I totally loathe that attitude of people being awkward if the word cancer comes up. It's that way of being that perpetuates the whole fear thing. Its a bloody illness like any other and doesn't suddenly make the patient someone to be spoken to in hushed tones. If it were me then I only want positive sensible people around me not flippin scaremongers.
You two are a pair of crackers and if I were scared I would want you two around me as my mates - not some flippin doom and gloom merchant. :yesyes:
On a less aggressive note, sorry I didn't get to text you back last night Bobs but my sister rang and she's having horrible custody issues with her ex and was understandably low last night.
Hey its my middle piglets 18th today - cor 18 years ago today I couldn't sit down and had to sit on a rubber ring for 6 weeks.
Love Piglet :flowers:
Paddington
17-07-07, 12:13
OOH HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIDDLE PIGLET:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: are you doin anything nice:flowers: Yep ..i agree with you Piglet about the cancer thing..the worst thing is, we need sometimes to say gosh that was sooo scarey or words to that effect:blush: but folk gloss over it..with platitudes the worst one being..'well be glad you are alive':mad: :mad: :lac: erm they should be glad they still have heir teeth after that kind of comment :ohmy: :blush: :shades: Ha ha ha ha!!Pads.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yep ..i agree with you Piglet about the cancer thing..the worst thing is, we need sometimes to say gosh that was sooo scarey or words to that effect but folk gloss over it..with platitudes the worst one being..'well be glad you are alive'
Good gracious now that's going too far the the other way!! :lac:
I remember when I had the eldest piglet by emergency ceasarian 2 months early - it was all very scary etc etc and my way of getting through that was to discuss it with the other mums on the special baby care ward who'd had similiar experiences. Endlessly we discussed it - but this was theraputic as all this talking exocised the fear we'd all felt etc.
So I imagine talking things through with another cancer sufferer is helps achieve the same ends.
All through our lives what tends to bond us together is our shared experiences whatever they may be - bit like us lot on here. :yesyes:
Piglet :flowers:
Well i made it safe and sound from my running and was ok - just tired out and my legs ache lol
Well today is my Anatomy and physiology course. normally i get my other half to follow me in his car but today - wait for it - im choosing to try it alone its only 9 miles away but that is a heck of a long way for me on my own dont think ive ever been that far alone on my own for years and years.
I feel this needs to be tackled by myself to enable me to move on in an upward direction. im not gonna put too much pressure on as i no i will be anxious but im just gonna deal with the panic if it comes.
Im nervous but also excited as when i do it i will be so pleased with myself and hopefully it wil give me more confidence to try doing other things i find difficult.
i will report one way or the other later
take care all and thanks for caring and support which i need at the moment
bobs
Hi Bobsy,
glad you enjoyed your run :D Good luck for today, you are doing brilliantly
An inspiration to us all :hugs:
love anx xx
Go for it hun. :hugs:
Piglet :flowers:
honeybee3939
18-07-07, 11:25
Thats a great Achievement Bobsy !:yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes:
WELL DONE!!!
http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q239/jamminincov/yourastar.gif
Good luck for today too !! You can do it !!:hugs:
Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxxx
nomorepanic
18-07-07, 19:36
Bobsy
Just wanted to send you a big hug! :bighug: :bighug1: :bighug:
Well done on today!
Paddington
19-07-07, 11:41
way to go Bobsy:yesyes: :hugs: well done you!..Love Paddie.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxps..Piglet..you would think that talking to other patients would help wouldnt you?I have not found one who wants to share their story..well maybe talk to me till they feel better but then i never hear from them again:shrug: I must irritate folk i think,who knows..who cares:ohmy: face, bovvered??:lisa: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well just to let you all know i DID MY DRIVE Im so proud of me. lol
The drive there was good but i was tested on the way home as there was floods and i was stuck in college for 2 hours as we could not get out of the town.
Anyway 2 hours later i finally managed to get out. luckily for me there was a lady there who was more nervous than me about driving and driving through water in case she got stuck. I was not bothered about getting stuck in water more bothered about the bloody traffic jams. anyway we sat it out in college for 2 hours before we left for home and traffic did not seem too bad. as this lady lived about 3 miles further from me we decided to follow each other and if we got stuck we could ring each other. anyway i was driving along fine until
1.We got diverted -err i dont do diversion
2. came back on the main road and an ambulance had blocked the road as it had broken down and a breakdown truck was hucking it up
3. could not overtake it as the other side of the road was clogged up with cars trying to get into the town that was flooded that i had left
4. Traffic jam at the other side of the road was for miles
eventually as the traffic in the jam at the other side was not moving a lady flashed her lights at me to come through. I can tell u i did 90mph in 1 second (pmsl) to get through in case she changed her mind
Anyway i manged to get home through the traffic and the jams by talking to a mate on the phone and once i had got past the queue of traffic on the other side i was ok and made it home alone.
I even drove through 2 sets of traffic lights that i normally dont do and not even a flinch cos i thought well if you can do what youve just done you can do these traffic lights. normally i go down all the back streets to avoid them.
Anyway im still here to tell the tale and i now think if i can do that well what else can i do. It was not pleasant i can tell you but i did it
I also spoke at great length to my mate today about all my anxieties and feelings etc and she had me in tears as she was crying herself saying that she is surprised im still in one piece with all the crap ive had to deal with the past 7 years with my cancer. she said i was a real strong person as she does not think she could have coped as well as me. I must be stronger than what i think. we also spoke about me just saying what i felt to people and not to worry about how they will react if i tell them something that upsets them - i cant control how they feel. I need to speak to people as its just rummaging round in my head all the time like what am i gonna say, how am i gonna say it, when am i gonna say it etc etc. Once its out i can maybe move on more.
Pad you are right mate about chatting to people with cancer as sometimes i feel when i start to speak to people about how im feeling they turn it on themselves and start talking about that theyve got this or that. When i went for chemo at a diferent hospital it was like you had to have bragging rights to get in - for example the first day i walked it i heard a man say "oh when i was diagnosed they gave me xxx months to live and im here xxxx years later" and the bloke he was talking to said "oh well they gave me xx (less) months to live and im here" omg its awful. I dont feel anybody has really listened to me about how i really feel about it all apart from people on here and a couple of my close mates.
Anyway i dont want to end on a negative note so would like to say thanks for your support and help to date.
im off to take my dog a walk - but there again its raining so we will see. Ok alright then i will go - my dog is looking at me with puppy dog eyes lol
Well i think ive written an essay here lol - more than in my english exam lol. hope ive not waffled too much.
take care
bobs
:yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes: :yesyes:
Piglet :flowers:
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