Feeling something awful is going to happen

[jennielouises]

Can’t shake this feeling that something really bad is going to happen at work next week. I was called out last week for not doing something when I’ve been asked to do it before. This was by one of the managers who goes off on rants and it was my turn! Anyway, I didn’t respond to her email straight away as I didn’t know what to say. I was ill last week and barely functioning due to having huge anxiety, panic attacks and just not feeling well. I’m only human. Now there was another email sent about it so I went back and apologised. It was also talked about how things weren’t handed over before my annual leave but I had no one to hand over to. Anyway, my line manager (one of the directors) now says he wants to bring my 12 month review forward to this week even though it’s not due till May as he’s going to be away most of April. I’ve only been there 10 months. I just know that it’s all going to be bad and focus on these issues. I was told at my six month review that I talk too much. One thing, that is through nerves and me trying to make friends when I started. Two, I don’t talk anymore than some others but they don’t get anything said to them. Anyway, I’ve tried everything to stop talking but I’m just friendly and I feel like they don’t notice when I’m not. If that makes sense. I get no support from my manager at all. I felt I had no choice but to work during my leave as no one was available to cover me. I also feel like if I’m not at work, they will be talking about me behind my back. My self esteem has dropped down to nothing, as has my self confidence. In fact I know they are talking about me. I also know my boss is going to ‘talk to me’ because they want an office manager who is some sort of matron and I’m not like that. I told him in my 6 month review that I wasn’t and I was told I’d get support to be more assertive. But that hasn’t happened. They just go on and on about there being drama at work (we’re taking about three people wanting to go to lunch at the same time) and apparently I’m the instigator when I should be stopping it. I wasn’t well and missed that someone was in a meeting so there was no cover in one team. The manager was there so why did I get shouted at for it and not her. I can’t deal with feeling like I’m walking on egg shells, coming back from lunch and finding a four paragraph email telling me I’d done something wrong. Why not just a word in my ear? The email is always passive aggressive as well.

Sorry this has turned into a rant but I don’t know what to think. The place is stressing my out and making me physically and mentally ill but I need the money. I’m now ruining my break as I’m worrying about work and what I’m going into on Tuesday. I feel all over the place and have no stability. I’m driving my husband mad. In my head I’m now going to be fired next week!!