Hello

[Hmefh7]

Dear all,

Hello!

Some background:
Married my wonderful hubby August 2006. Discovered my father was unwell the day of the wedding he couldn't make a speech. Roll on 2007 dad was diagnosed with a rare dementia. Prescribed Prozac 60mg Then a year of caring for dad running his business working full time with upto 6 carers.
2009-march 2016 24 hour care. Work nursing home, bed, work etc.,
In the interim my mum is diagnosed with dementia and Parkinson's in 2012 so my hubby and I work and visit care home every evening...
2016 mum and dad die with 83 days I am with them both as they take their last breath

August 2016 I break my wrist badly requiring plating wires and screws. I am admitted to a ward next to a dementia sufferer that tied for her mum...

I then get grief counselling for 20 sessions and begin to feel a bit brighter.

2017 come off Prozac in preparation for ivf

Two rounds of ivf that fail

July 2017 double pneumonia that could have been fatal.

And I plodded on...

October 2917 onwards... I feel increasingly low with panic attacks...march I start feeling even worse with most mornings thinking about driving into lorries in my morning commute.

Two weeks ago I hit rock bottom... I could not stop crying completely low anxious panic attacks and anxiety almost constantly.

I ring the gp and get an appointment and am prescribed mertazapine 30mg. I niw sleep upto 14 hours... I am an idiot...

I have self referred for cbt.

I see the dr tomorrow and want to change Meds being such an idiot is not me but equally I cannot go back to the anxiety.

In hindsight the counselling was a plaster over the grief... my positivity and the stuffing has been knocked out of me. I just don't have an ounce left.

H

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya Hmefh7 and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[fduop]

Good morning Hmefh7

I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine losing someone you love in that way. I can understand how you feel exhausted from all the trauma that has occurred in your life. I understand how trauma can cause anxiety and panic. I was diagnosed with both 20 years ago.

The best thing I can tell you is understand and accept that you are NOT perfect. Twice in your story I read "I am an idiot" and "such an idiot". One of the biggest things I had to overcome was my self-hatred and low self-esteem. I was trying to be perfect for everyone, the caregiver, and provider. But guess what I was only human and I often times failed.

Hmefh7, take time to take care of yourself and learn to love the flawed individual that you are. It wasn't till I began to do that, that I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. NMP has some great helps, be proactive, accept the fact that nobody's perfect, and let go. Best to you on your journey.

[dianatoad]

Well, you're definitely NOT an idiot. You've just been through hell. I'm so sorry about the string of events that led you to where you are now.

[bulan]

Hmefh7 (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/member.php?u=87852), your story is similar to mine. My Dad was diagnosed with early-onset dementia the year after my wedding (also to an amazing husband! :) ), and the next 10 years of our lives were centred around Dad's declining health, financial trouble due to his unemployment (he had lost his job because of his symptoms), and caregiving.

Our caregiving experience became traumatic when the disease gave him hallucinations and paranoia, which made him fearful and aggressive towards us, especially when he didn't recognize us. We also didn't sleep much, because he woke up nightly, and had his worst paranoia and disconnection from reality at night. Those were some of our most dangerous times.

Watching him suffer all those years contributed to my trauma as well, and I realized quickly that I would need major work to deal with PTSD and grief. It's been 8 years since he left our home for a nursing home after a particularly dangerous attack on my Mom, and it's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and I'm still trying to work on these issues. As time passes, I can see how much the PTSD and grief have triggered my current anxiety. So I've recently decided, in addition to therapy, that I'm getting trauma-focused massage and acupuncture, and any other kind of therapy that might help. I'm hoping for progress, because I really want to get back to a healthy place so I can live my life again. I'm glad you're reaching out to us here, and I hope both of us find the healing we need, sooner rather than later. :hugs: