Health Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation

[HyperAnxiety]

Hi guys,

This is my first time posting here. Thanks so much for reading.

I'm 23 years old and have suffered with Health Anxiety since the age of about 16. It may be due to the fact that, despite having suffered with symptoms of SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) for as long as I can remember, I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 14, as doctors kind of brushed off what I was experiencing as 'stress.' (Eventually it was caught on an ECG and after an ablation at age 16, everything was fixed :) )

After 7 years of convincing myself I've got a life-threatening illness I'm starting to get exhausted. People around me don't seem to understand: I have recently graduated, am in a long-term relationship and have everything to be happy for - I'm just not. Although I have never considered actually going through with suicide, in my darkest moments I think about how much easier things would be if I killed myself, how I wouldn't have to put up with this anymore. I have tried CBT and antidepressants but nothing seems to work.

Most recently I've convinced myself I have breast cancer because my left breast is much dense and seems to have much more fibrous tissue in than my right. It's probably always been like this, but I recently noticed and I am freaking out. It's got to the point where I am scared to undress/ take a shower because I'm convinced I'll end up prodding and poking and finding something.

I'm at a loss. I don't know if I'm looking for reassurance, solidarity or advice. Any would be nice right now.

Thanks for taking the time
xxx

[lior]

Hey, welcome to NMP.

I don't suffer from health anxiety, but I have suffered with suicidal ideation a lot. I found it HORRIBLE to live through. I am mostly recovered now. I still get the odd suicidal thought, but I know how to manage it now.

CBT is just one type of therapy. There are loads of other types of therapies out there. My advice is to keep researching forms of help out there. It's not just CBT and antidepressants.

The single most useful thing that helped me was to develop self-love. I built a power inside me that could drive off the self-harming voice, which was more powerful at first. The self-harming voice still comes out loud and strong sometimes, but there's hardly any competition any more - the self-love voice always wins.

Keep trying things to help you. Something will work eventually. Stay committed to yourself and your well-being.

[Pmrr]

Hey! I went back and forth to the doctors for years and years telling them about my symptoms of SVT and didn’t get diagnosed or treated for many years! I already had health anxiety before that, from a young age, but it was certainly fuelled by my experience with SVT which sounds the same struggle as yours. I’ll not hikack the thread but I’m also going through some awful physical symptoms at the moment which has me in a truly horrendous state! You’re not alone :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

Although I have never considered actually going through with suicide, in my darkest moments I think about how much easier things would be if I killed myself, how I wouldn't have to put up with this anymore.

I went through that too. It wasn't that I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to end as I felt I couldn't cope with any more of it. As it subsided, these thoughts would go away.

Is it so different to those with physical disorders that restrict their lives? No, it's natural to just want the pain to go and we are not in charge of subconscious thoughts so sometimes they just pop anyway but also feeling so low means more conscious negative thinking and things like this are thought about.

What I can tell you is that this does go as you start to recover. And you are still quite young so there will be more things you can try before you determine how your future is going to be.