CG5246
16-04-18, 14:55
LOTS of TMI in this post, warning you now...I feel so alone, terrified, and depressed. I cry almost everyday. Where to begin...I don't know if this is rock bottom as I thought I had hit rock bottom before, but in terms of checking it's definitely rock bottom for me. It has been a LONG 7 months for me. I realize I have been convinced I have every type of cancer there is and some other debilitating diseases over these past 7 months. The last few months have taken a dark turn into me believing I have some sort of cancer.
I have been going to a therapist for CBT since November. I have read a book about panic and haven't had a panic attack since January so that is progress. I am now on day 2 of the Anxiety Guy's "end the anxiety program". I am trying. And also failing, miserably, and I am pretty ashamed of how I am right now.
A month ago or so I went to the doctor, fearing anal cancer or something, and he told me I have an external hemorrhoid, I can leave it there, it's not a problem. Okay fine, fear alleviated and I'm going to have it removed in a couple months. Then...while I was wiping a couple days ago, I thought I felt something else in my anus other than my hemorrhoid. I tried to calm myself down by feeling around to see if it was a bone or something normal, and after some checking it seemed all was normal. BUT in the process of trying to calm myself down, (very TMI here) I was poking up my anus pretty far and discovered something hard/firm up there, and since I am now a self-proclaimed expert in anatomy (poking fun at myself here), this hard/firm thing I felt must have been located in the rectum, not the anus. SOOO cue the freaking out about how I must have colon/rectal cancer at 29 (will be 30 in August) because I couldn't quite find what the hell this firm/hard area might be. The only (trying to be rational) conclusion I could come to is that they are the rectal valves that hold the poo in but I can't get a good answer on whether or not they are actually firm. I'm going to a doctor to see if he will try to feel what I'm talking about since I had to stick my entire middle finger up there to feel it.
After my self "examination", which I did on and off for a day or two because I just had to be certain of how it felt and kept trying to figure out what the heck it was, I noticed that a few of my bowel movements had a string of mucus on them, which caused me to freak out more. And if that all wasn't enough, what was rock bottom for me for checking? I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't do that I had seen other people on here talking about doing. I fished my poo out of the toilet and checked through it. I am thoroughly ashamed. I didn't see any blood, just a couple strings of mucus, but if I had just looked at it from afar, it would have looked just light brown. But no, I had to look through it, and up close it looked greenish/brown with what looked like specks of pepper, and one tiny spot that looked grey, but it might have been greenish, it's hard to say. The shape of it was fine, I don't have diarrhea or anything and it's not skinny poo.
So I started freaking out about cancer because they always say black means internal bleeding, my poo wasn't black, but it had the black pepper specks and I have no idea if it was food or if that's normal or what because I've never looked through my poo before because before 7 months ago I was a normal human being. And I haven't looked through my poo since then, but it seems to be a light brown with no blood and the occasional string of mucus and I'm not going to get any closer to inspect it.
So because of my "examination" (presumably) my anus has been more tender and burning the last couple days. I don't know if this is something to be concerned about? The burning? I also have been getting a feeling of "fullness" in the anal region as well, if that makes sense.
I am also scared because I get A LOT of upper abdominal gas pains lately, especially when I wake up in the morning. Also, in the area right in between my rib cages (presumably where the stomach or possibly the colon is) it gets firm sometimes and it seems to be when I have gas but not always, and then it goes away. But then I checked my abdomen and I felt like I could feel my colon and that it felt kind of firm. Isn't everything supposed to be squishy??
And to add in a cruel twist, and I feel completely insensitive saying this because I feel awful for him, we were talking to my husband's parents last night and apparently my husband's uncle was just diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at 48, and he had NO SYMPTOMS until recently when he had some upper abdominal pain :scared15:
I am terrified and feeling completely alone. I plan to ask my doctor about this stuff but I'm so scared of what I'll hear. I even booked my own colonoscopy because I am that terrified, but I have to wait until June 20th :weep: I hate this so much :weep:
I have been going to a therapist for CBT since November. I have read a book about panic and haven't had a panic attack since January so that is progress. I am now on day 2 of the Anxiety Guy's "end the anxiety program". I am trying. And also failing, miserably, and I am pretty ashamed of how I am right now.
A month ago or so I went to the doctor, fearing anal cancer or something, and he told me I have an external hemorrhoid, I can leave it there, it's not a problem. Okay fine, fear alleviated and I'm going to have it removed in a couple months. Then...while I was wiping a couple days ago, I thought I felt something else in my anus other than my hemorrhoid. I tried to calm myself down by feeling around to see if it was a bone or something normal, and after some checking it seemed all was normal. BUT in the process of trying to calm myself down, (very TMI here) I was poking up my anus pretty far and discovered something hard/firm up there, and since I am now a self-proclaimed expert in anatomy (poking fun at myself here), this hard/firm thing I felt must have been located in the rectum, not the anus. SOOO cue the freaking out about how I must have colon/rectal cancer at 29 (will be 30 in August) because I couldn't quite find what the hell this firm/hard area might be. The only (trying to be rational) conclusion I could come to is that they are the rectal valves that hold the poo in but I can't get a good answer on whether or not they are actually firm. I'm going to a doctor to see if he will try to feel what I'm talking about since I had to stick my entire middle finger up there to feel it.
After my self "examination", which I did on and off for a day or two because I just had to be certain of how it felt and kept trying to figure out what the heck it was, I noticed that a few of my bowel movements had a string of mucus on them, which caused me to freak out more. And if that all wasn't enough, what was rock bottom for me for checking? I did the one thing I swore I wouldn't do that I had seen other people on here talking about doing. I fished my poo out of the toilet and checked through it. I am thoroughly ashamed. I didn't see any blood, just a couple strings of mucus, but if I had just looked at it from afar, it would have looked just light brown. But no, I had to look through it, and up close it looked greenish/brown with what looked like specks of pepper, and one tiny spot that looked grey, but it might have been greenish, it's hard to say. The shape of it was fine, I don't have diarrhea or anything and it's not skinny poo.
So I started freaking out about cancer because they always say black means internal bleeding, my poo wasn't black, but it had the black pepper specks and I have no idea if it was food or if that's normal or what because I've never looked through my poo before because before 7 months ago I was a normal human being. And I haven't looked through my poo since then, but it seems to be a light brown with no blood and the occasional string of mucus and I'm not going to get any closer to inspect it.
So because of my "examination" (presumably) my anus has been more tender and burning the last couple days. I don't know if this is something to be concerned about? The burning? I also have been getting a feeling of "fullness" in the anal region as well, if that makes sense.
I am also scared because I get A LOT of upper abdominal gas pains lately, especially when I wake up in the morning. Also, in the area right in between my rib cages (presumably where the stomach or possibly the colon is) it gets firm sometimes and it seems to be when I have gas but not always, and then it goes away. But then I checked my abdomen and I felt like I could feel my colon and that it felt kind of firm. Isn't everything supposed to be squishy??
And to add in a cruel twist, and I feel completely insensitive saying this because I feel awful for him, we were talking to my husband's parents last night and apparently my husband's uncle was just diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at 48, and he had NO SYMPTOMS until recently when he had some upper abdominal pain :scared15:
I am terrified and feeling completely alone. I plan to ask my doctor about this stuff but I'm so scared of what I'll hear. I even booked my own colonoscopy because I am that terrified, but I have to wait until June 20th :weep: I hate this so much :weep: