View Full Version : Worrying about my daughter
Hi, a couple of years ago my daughter told me that she had a smear of blood on the toilet paper after a bowel movement. She showed me and it was very little, I assumed it was a small tear as when she was about 2 she had some episodes of bleeding after a bowel movement, the gp said most likely a small tear. For some reason the other day I asked her if she still has this happening, she said it does sometimes but is'nt very much. She was very vague about how often it happens.
I asked her if she has any pain during or after a bowel movement and she said not really. I asked if she has to strain when she goes and she does, her stools have always been small and hard and I assume from talking to her that they still are. She doesn't drink enough water or eat enough fibre. She was getting quite distressed while I was talking to her about it, she has bad anxiety. When I mentioned seeing the gp she became very agitated and said she doesn't want to go. She's 14 and very modest about her body.
Now i'm stressing out massively and my mind is going to worst case scenarios. Bowel cancer is my biggest fear. I can't force her to go to the gp and I don't want to keep asking her about her bowel movements incase I make her more anxious.
Annaboodle
23-04-18, 11:20
Hi. It sounds like she's constipated. It's so common with kids, especially as they get a bit older and seem to run from anything with fibre/nutritional content. If a poo is difficult and "pellety" it's constipation. I have a 13 year old who gets constipated.
I would increase the amount of fibre she eats (I have to put All-bran on top on my daughter's cereal and process extra veggies to within an inch of their lives in her pasta sauce so she doesn't notice them to get fibre into her). Fruit juice is good for it too. Left to her own devices, my daughter would basically eat entirely "white food" (pasta, potatoes, rice, etc...). She argues with me that potatoes count as her daily vege. Upping her water intake as you know will help. My daughter will only drink water if either I insist on it, or if it's fizzy/carbonated for some reason, or if I add a bit of juice to it. It's a difficult age I know, but basically you need to make her drink more water and have more fibre for her own good and ignore any protests about not liking stuff.
I don't like saying this, but the way she's reacting I think you're already making her a bit anxious with your questioning. I know you don't mean to. My kids always answer "not really" when I'm asking them something where they're not sure if a "yes" or "no" answer is what I want to hear. They want to please and make mum less anxious. I hate when I see my kids doing this to placate my anxiety.
There's no way it's bowel cancer. It's one thing for you or I to worry about that, but really, with a kid that age it's going to be constipation and related things like fissures, or hemmies even which happen as a result of the constipation.
Bowel cancer at 14, Nope ! Put that one out of your mind, it is so statistically unlikely that she'd make a rarity medical journal. A smear of fresh red blood (I agree with the post above) is most likely a small haemerroid or an irritated skin patch/scratch from her constipation and hard bowel movements. I think your daughter is getting upset because you are 'digging' with your questions pointing towards serious health conditions, and she is trying to avoid going there mentally.
My daughter at 14 wouldn't have wanted to talk to me about her bowel movements either lol (she has no anxiety btw) Youropver-reaction with her symptoms is making her more likely to pull the drawerbridge up. Why not instead of questioning about how serious it is, say to her 'I would like you to let me know if there is anything that concerns you, I am always open to listening and I'd like to help'. You have to prove to her that you can be rational, non fearful and calm I think. Also what about 'I know you don't want to talk about your bowels with me, which is understandable, but I think as you've had problems in the past - lets work on making your diet healthier with.....'
Increase water and fibre, make her diet more healthy and if it resolves.
Hi. It sounds like she's constipated. It's so common with kids, especially as they get a bit older and seem to run from anything with fibre/nutritional content. If a poo is difficult and "pellety" it's constipation. I have a 13 year old who gets constipated.
I would increase the amount of fibre she eats (I have to put All-bran on top on my daughter's cereal and process extra veggies to within an inch of their lives in her pasta sauce so she doesn't notice them to get fibre into her). Fruit juice is good for it too. Left to her own devices, my daughter would basically eat entirely "white food" (pasta, potatoes, rice, etc...). She argues with me that potatoes count as her daily vege. Upping her water intake as you know will help. My daughter will only drink water if either I insist on it, or if it's fizzy/carbonated for some reason, or if I add a bit of juice to it. It's a difficult age I know, but basically you need to make her drink more water and have more fibre for her own good and ignore any protests about not liking stuff.
I don't like saying this, but the way she's reacting I think you're already making her a bit anxious with your questioning. I know you don't mean to. My kids always answer "not really" when I'm asking them something where they're not sure if a "yes" or "no" answer is what I want to hear. They want to please and make mum less anxious. I hate when I see my kids doing this to placate my anxiety.
There's no way it's bowel cancer. It's one thing for you or I to worry about that, but really, with a kid that age it's going to be constipation and related things like fissures, or hemmies even which happen as a result of the constipation.
Thanks for your reply. I think i'm just worried as its almost 2 years since she first pointed it out to me and I just assumed it was a small tear and prety much forgot about it. Just concerned that it seems to be an ongoing thing albeit intermittent.
I tried to talk to her in a calm way so as not to show her my worries but i'm aware that she could be picking up on my anxiety.
Bowel cancer at 14, Nope ! Put that one out of your mind, it is so statistically unlikely that she'd make a rarity medical journal. A smear of fresh red blood (I agree with the post above) is most likely a small haemerroid or an irritated skin patch/scratch from her constipation and hard bowel movements. I think your daughter is getting upset because you are 'digging' with your questions pointing towards serious health conditions, and she is trying to avoid going there mentally.
My daughter at 14 wouldn't have wanted to talk to me about her bowel movements either lol (she has no anxiety btw) Youropver-reaction with her symptoms is making her more likely to pull the drawerbridge up. Why not instead of questioning about how serious it is, say to her 'I would like you to let me know if there is anything that concerns you, I am always open to listening and I'd like to help'. You have to prove to her that you can be rational, non fearful and calm I think. Also what about 'I know you don't want to talk about your bowels with me, which is understandable, but I think as you've had problems in the past - lets work on making your diet healthier with.....'
Increase water and fibre, make her diet more healthy and if it resolves.
I don't think I was wrong in the way I approached the subject with my daughter, I remained calm and asked how frequently it was happening and how much blood there was. What am I supposed to do? She's really adamant that she doesn't want to go to the dr about this.
It's not completely impossible for a young person to get colon cancer, looking at stats there are around 26 children aged 10-14 diagnosed with it every year. I know i'm going to the worst case scenario but i'm scared.
I don't think I was wrong in the way I approached the subject with my daughter, I remained calm and asked how frequently it was happening and how much blood there was. What am I supposed to do? She's really adamant that she doesn't want to go to the dr about this.
It's not completely impossible for a young person to get colon cancer, looking at stats there are around 26 children aged 10-14 diagnosed with it every year. I know i'm going to the worst case scenario but i'm scared.Not sure how I can respond this to be honest, clearly she didn't want to talk to you about it so surely trying a different approach might help - I made some suggestions about what you could say to her instead above. The 26 children per year are nearly all those with a familial gene mutation.
The only other choice you have is to go to the doctor about her yourself, against her wishes. BUT as you said....
I can't force her to go to the gp and I don't want to keep asking her about her bowel movements incase I make her more anxious.
So, what are your choices here ? Put it down to the tiny amount smearing every now and again, that is due to constipation and a lack of water and fibre.....or keep thinking its cancer. Bear in mind that your previous posts state that you have your own personal obsession with your bowel habits and fears about it, and have done for a year or so. So, maybe that is colouring your view of your daughter's issue ?
Not sure how I can respond this to be honest, clearly she didn't want to talk to you about it so surely trying a different approach might help - I made some suggestions about what you could say to her instead above. The 26 children per year are nearly all those with a familial gene mutation.
The only other choice you have is to go to the doctor about her yourself, against her wishes. BUT as you said....
So, what are your choices here ? Put it down to the tiny amount smearing every now and again, that is due to constipation and a lack of water and fibre.....or keep thinking its cancer. Bear in mind that your previous posts state that you have your own personal obsession with your bowel habits and fears about it, and have done for a year or so. So, maybe that is colouring your view of your daughter's issue ?
I agree that my obsession with bowel cancer is out of hand and that this is definitely impacting on my thoughts about my daughter. I think I just have to trust that if she has any issues that she'll discuss it with me, but if I had'nt asked her about it I wouldn't have found out that's its still an issue. What if she doesn't tell me?
I think to be honest, the reason she hasn't told you is because she doesn't think it's anything to worry about.....:winks:
As I said above, I would go to her and say along the lines of 'look, I know this is not something you want to discuss, and its private/embarrasing, and I won't bring it up again - but I want you to know that if you have any symptoms that worry you , or feel unwell, or anything changes...then I am always here to listen and help. I won't over react, I won't make you go to the doctor if you don't want to...but we can talk about ways to improve things' All you can do is leave the door open once they get to this age, and encourage open communication. They then choose or don't choose to share.
She's 14, and probably also wants to be in charge of her own health/body, so giving her the responsibility for it is the way to go. I know she's a child, but she may be feeling like she's not, its a tough age. I think if you are more laid back about it, (does she know of your own concerns about your bowels?) and play it down, she is more likely to come with a concern. I realise that you did question her calmly and without being over reactive, but if she is closing down on you then you have to find a way around it which she is more accepting of.
I think she WOULD come to you if anything was really wrong. You say she has her own anxiety issues, so if she was fearful I'm sure she would. Anyway, there would be other signs if there was a serious underlying illness - weight loss, nausea, being sick, diahrrea and assorted other things.
I've done a few medical over reactions myself, when my daughter was younger, and she got heartily fed up of my questioning ;)
I think to be honest, the reason she hasn't told you is because she doesn't think it's anything to worry about.....:winks:
As I said above, I would go to her and say along the lines of 'look, I know this is not something you want to discuss, and its private/embarrasing, and I won't bring it up again - but I want you to know that if you have any symptoms that worry you , or feel unwell, or anything changes...then I am always here to listen and help. I won't over react, I won't make you go to the doctor if you don't want to...but we can talk about ways to improve things' All you can do is leave the door open once they get to this age, and encourage open communication. They then choose or don't choose to share.
She's 14, and probably also wants to be in charge of her own health/body, so giving her the responsibility for it is the way to go. I know she's a child, but she may be feeling like she's not, its a tough age. I think if you are more laid back about it, (does she know of your own concerns about your bowels?) and play it down, she is more likely to come with a concern. I realise that you did question her calmly and without being over reactive, but if she is closing down on you then you have to find a way around it which she is more accepting of.
I think she WOULD come to you if anything was really wrong. You say she has her own anxiety issues, so if she was fearful I'm sure she would. Anyway, there would be other signs if there was a serious underlying illness - weight loss, nausea, being sick, diahrrea and assorted other things.
I've done a few medical over reactions myself, when my daughter was younger, and she got heartily fed up of my questioning ;)
Thank you for that, it makes sense. I think i'm going to trust her judgement on this and try to think more rationally. I hate myself for being like this. I'm not sure if she's aware of my worries about my bowels but I do try to hide it from my kids.
i had the same thing when I was 12, but it turned out to be a pilonial cyst. have a doctor look at the area, that's what it was for me. I had surgery to fix it, problem went away
Thank you for that, it makes sense. I think i'm going to trust her judgement on this and try to think more rationally. I hate myself for being like this. I'm not sure if she's aware of my worries about my bowels but I do try to hide it from my kids.
Being an anxious parent is tough, I understand. Of course, these are just my thoughts, you are the expert on your daughter (not me) and will know a way to put words in the right way for her.
---------- Post added at 19:36 ---------- Previous post was at 19:33 ----------
have a doctor look at the area
Her daughter won't go Baz! I think an abcess like thing would be giving her very different symptoms than what she has described so far.
i had the same thing when I was 12, but it turned out to be a pilonial cyst. have a doctor look at the area, that's what it was for me. I had surgery to fix it, problem went away
I dont that's what it is. My daughter doesn't want to go to the dr let alone have one examine her. I can't drag her to the drs if she doesn't want to go.
My daughter doesn't want to go to the dr let alone have one examine her. I can't drag her to the drs if she doesn't want to go.
How about this? Just leave her alone :shrug: If she doesn't feel well, I'm sure she'd say so.
Positive thoughts
How about this? Just leave her alone :shrug: If she doesn't feel well, I'm sure she'd say so.
Positive thoughts
Yeah but she didn't tell me this was an ongoing thing, I asked her about it. Maybe she wouldn't tell me if she feels unwell.
Yes she would. She didn't tell you because its an intermittent small scale issue, that she is used to and doesn't think is a problem. Have you done what I suggested and spoken with her to keep the communication door open ?
If she was genuinely unwell, really unwell with frightening symptoms I'm sure she'd say something. You can't force teenagers though to do what you want, I know, its impossible lol
Yes she would. She didn't tell you because its an intermittent small scale issue, that she is used to and doesn't think is a problem. Have you done what I suggested and spoken with her to keep the communication door open ?
If she was genuinely unwell, really unwell with frightening symptoms I'm sure she'd say something. You can't force teenagers though to do what you want, I know, its impossible lol
I have said to her to let me know if she's worried about anything, she's always known she can talk to me about anything. She gets terribly embarrassed talking about her periods and I bought her a couple of new bras yesterday and she was embarrassed about that too. I sometimes joke with her about whether she likes any boys at school and she quickly says "no"! She is very private about certain things.
There is virtually zero mathematical chance it is cancer at her age. Additionally, I have had the same thing going on and off my entire life since I was about her age, and I am 47 now. Encourage healthy eating and staying hydrated, it works for me.
There is virtually zero mathematical chance it is cancer at her age. Additionally, I have had the same thing going on and off my entire life since I was about her age, and I am 47 now. Encourage healthy eating and staying hydrated, it works for me.
Its reassuring to know that you've had the same. I looked at the uk stats and there are 17 girls in her age group with bowel cancer every year, I know that's a tiny amount but an anxious mind can blow that up out of proportion.
You posted a while ago about a similar fear with your son. So you fear both your son and daughter have BC along with yourself of course?
Oh yes, I've just seen that...in Jan you were worrying that your 10 year old son had bowel cancer too, in addition to yourself. (Incidentally, why are you helping him wipe his bottom at that age?)OK, there is a massive pattern here and I'm sure you can see it yourself.
Rainbow, you owe it to your children to recognise how you are projecting your own fears onto them. They won't thank you for it.
Rainbow, you owe it to your children to recognise how you are projecting your own fears onto them.
^^ THAT^^ Big time!
Positive thoughts
You posted a while ago about a similar fear with your son. So you fear both your son and daughter have BC along with yourself of course?
Yes I did, I wish my mind wouldn't work this way but it does. I know to everyone else it sounds ridiculous but it just comes into my head and grows until I start to panic.
---------- Post added at 10:01 ---------- Previous post was at 09:56 ----------
Oh yes, I've just seen that...in Jan you were worrying that your 10 year old son had bowel cancer too, in addition to yourself. (Incidentally, why are you helping him wipe his bottom at that age?)OK, there is a massive pattern here and I'm sure you can see it yourself.
My son always has very hard to clean stools and quite often he doesn't clean himself properly so his underwear can be stained, occasionally I will check to see if he's managed to thoroughly clean himself. And if i'm honest I baby him, I know it's wrong but he suffers from extreme anxiety and he is very attached to me. I am working with his school and hopefully he will be referred to CAMHS for an assessment.
---------- Post added at 10:04 ---------- Previous post was at 10:01 ----------
Rainbow, you owe it to your children to recognise how you are projecting your own fears onto them. They won't thank you for it.
I know you're right and I do try to keep my worries hidden and to just carry on as normal but I am aware that they will pick up on it to an extent. I am getting therapy but I'm making very little progress. I'm so worn out now and just want my life back.
I am getting therapy but I'm making very little progress.
Does your therapist know that you're posting here for reassurance? That may be a reason for your lack of progress. Part of therapy and CBT in-particular is to learn to reassure yourself and accept the reality as opposed to the "what ifs". Any therapist worth their salt would agree with what I'm saying. Think of it like this...
Therapy is like being on a diet and reassurance seeking is a box of donuts. You won't lose weight eating donuts all the time :winks:
Positive thoughts
I know my comment sounded harsh, Rainbow, but it was only meant to try to help you maybe take a mental step back from worrying about your children's bowel habits. You said you were only having therapy once a month-do you actually feel you would benefit from more regular therapy or does it all seem a bit pointless and unhelpful?
I would say that you have to do all in your power to stop allowing your HA to affect how you monitor your children even if you make little progress managing your own HA.
Does your therapist know that you're posting here for reassurance? That may be a reason for your lack of progress. Part of therapy and CBT in-particular is to learn to reassure yourself and accept the reality as opposed to the "what ifs". Any therapist worth their salt would agree with what I'm saying. Think of it like this...
Therapy is like being on a diet and reassurance seeking is a box of donuts. You won't lose weight eating donuts all the time :winks:
Positive thoughts
I haven't seen my therapist for over a month, but she does know that I occasionally still post on here. She actually doesn't say too much about it. I have been trying to stay away and haven't posted too much lately but when the anxiety builds up I need to let it out somehow.
---------- Post added at 14:39 ---------- Previous post was at 14:32 ----------
I know my comment sounded harsh, Rainbow, but it was only meant to try to help you maybe take a mental step back from worrying about your children's bowel habits. You said you were only having therapy once a month-do you actually feel you would benefit from more regular therapy or does it all seem a bit pointless and unhelpful?
I would say that you have to do all in your power to stop allowing your HA to affect how you monitor your children even if you make little progress managing your own HA.
I don't think your post was harsh at all, in fact I find your approach to be very helpful. My therapist said she's going to try to get me in fortnightly but not sure when that's going to happen. I'm not finding it to be particularly helpful, some of the things she says actually make me feel worse. She once said to me "if I was worried about bowel cancer I would probably do these things too" she meant examining my stool. I just didn't find that in the least bit helpful. She seems a little nervous and anxious to me but I could be completely wrong about that.
I really don't want this affecting my kids and I honestly do try to put on a front around them.
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