Kutusov
24-04-18, 00:49
Hi,
I've introduced myself over a week ago but couldn't follow up on it since then. I'm basically trying to make sense of my story and how to present it because I think that plays a part on how help has been failing.
So I guess my main problem is that I suddenly stop being able to drive probably 3 years now. I wasn't involved in any accident, it didn't start with a clear pattern and I was living a less stressful life than a few years before, at least from an impersonal point of view. The way this settled in was fast, took a couple of weeks only. I would start feeling like I've lost the sense of spacial depth, movement etc while driving, similar to what aviators describe as vertigo. Anxiety would settle in after because I would realize I couldn't really tell my relative position and speed to other cars and that would manifest in a freeze anxiety response. My legs would freeze up, I would be afraid of breaking too fast or not at all, not able to release the clutch smoothly and just ram the car in front of me in heavy traffic.
Sometimes it would happen during the day, others at night. Some with heavy traffic, others with clear streets. Sometimes with the car all closed because it was raining, other times with sunny days and windows down. Sometimes going to work, other times coming from work with everything done and weekend ahead.
For the first time in my life it got to a point where I had to park the car and phone someone to pick me up and the car. It was more or less clear that this would come up in a classic fashion of things getting bad when I was getting far away from home and I would be fine enough the next day to get a taxi, get in the car, drive to work and back. The final blow happened when I was well inside the "safe zone", probably a couple of Kms from home. I had to once again call a cab but, the next day, as soon as I start taking the car out of the parking spot I noticed I wasn't fine and I had 0 spacial awareness, I just knew rationally what was up and down and left and right by reasoning it. I just couldn't feel it.
This is where I lose the doctors because I had a driving phobia over 20 years ago and it came back maybe 7 years back when it came to driving on motorways. They imidiatly think it's the same thing. I'm not sure it is, it doesn't feel remotely like it. The panic and anxiety comes after my feeling and realization of 0G and I've noticed I'm not tachycardic or breathing too fast until then.
I should add by now that I worked as a psychodynamic physiotherapist for 20 years and I got rid of my first episode of driving phobia during my training therapy. I'm mentioning this because I might be too close to some of the doctors I asked for help on this "second coming" (if it is more of the same) and they were too sure of what it was because they knew me. I went for help with my therapist but I felt he wasn't paying any attention to what I was saying or making any effort. He even asked me what medication I wanted him to prescribe me, like I would know. So I asked the doctor I was working with and he listened for 3 minutes and gave me something that made things even worst. Then changed it, the again and again.
Got to a point where it was even hard getting out of the house because I would lose balance/orientation even walking. Riding on the passenger seat of a taxi started to be just as hard as driving myself.
So I went to my GP. He ran some tests and I was fine on all fronts except a mild obstructive sleep apnea (a little over 20 events an hour). Went to a sleep psychiatrist, she thought that using one of those things that you stick in your mouth would be enough for reducing the apnea, I asked for the definitive solution and no more experiments. That's a CPAP. I stopped having headaches as soon as I woke up but the driving stuff and company stayed the same.
Went to two otorhino doctors and had a MRI to see what would be causing the obstruction and my nose is all crooked inside. They didn't want to operate. One of them did put me to a test where I was diagnoses with one problem in my inner ear where stimulus from horizontal acceleration get to the brain at different speeds from my right and left ear (I would have to look it up what test it was and exaclty what it says). I felt it didn0t explain my symptoms and "it wouldn't matter anyway because there's nothing to do about it, it's something recent we know". More pills for dizziness, didn't help.
Neurologist didn't saw the need for any test.
Started CBT therapy but it was half-arsed by the part of the therapist, at the same time went to the physchiastrist that worked with her and was suposedly this expert in CBT/panic issues. Took me out of all the medication that finally made things more stable at that moment (Xamax XR and Prozac), went very badly.
Had an intensive short-term therapy with colleague that is NPL/hypnotherapy trained, didn't do a thing (btw, I don't believe that can work but I no longer trusted what I think I knew or not)
Had to relocate to the other end of the country because I got into med school at 40... no fun, not having a car, family or friends to help me move around. Fortunatly there's Uber but not everywhere.
Started seeing another CBT therapist that has trained under some of the top CBT people around here. No help and I honestly think she has no clue what she's doing because I don't fit her boxes. I'm also difficult to impress because I worked in the field for a long time, always studied hard, kept supervisions, got a PhD on the field... I know the arguments and the conterarguments.
I was about to give up on her after she sent me to some expert psychiatrist who didn't even let me speak and told me to do mindefullness meditation and to get a therapist that would get in a car with me. Well, she did that.
I've been hiring a car once a week and trying to drive with her besides me (used to be even harder because I would have to worry about the passenger also). That has been very erratic... some days I can drive more or less fine for a while, even with traffic, the next time I can hardly can change from 1st to second gear because my leg won't move. Anxiety kicks in after I realise that is happening. I can't see a pattern or problems or improvements there. (BTW, I've been trying to drive on my own almost since the start, around my house and stuff. Same thing... one day less bad, next day worst, no evolution over time. Sold the car when moved)
Went to anther GP, asked for a much more complete blood panel: Vitamin D is very close to be in deficit, strangely dopamine is pretty high (121.9 when the reference is <87), cortisol and ACTH is slightly above the max, testosterone is within limits but low, folic acid is below the limits hGH is pretty low (less than 0.05 on an interval of 0.06 to 5). GP says it's fine, my old boss says it's fine.
I'm going to yet another doctor and probably my last try (psychiatrist and neurologist). My mood is not the best, I'm probably depressed because this thing also affects my autonomy but I don't really feel depressed, just numb.
I can't see a pattern, I don't feel anything helps and I have a feeling of this being the result of something primary not diagnosed that sets in motion old sympthoms that do have to do with the way I react to adversity.
This is a short version of the story, I haven't included a lot of information but you are probably already tired of reading it or stopped at some point and decided that something was the main point. That's the problem I'm having when trying to explain this to a doctor, even if he is physiologically minded. They just end up saying, "well, you have to try it for longer". It has been 3 years, I'm getting very tired of trying with no concrete or solid results.
I'm now living on a part of the country which is really badly serviced for this sort of stuff. Also badly served on public transportation, so owning a car is really important here.
Thoughs, questions and suggestions are very welcomed. Especially feedback on the way I'm presenting my situation. It is too long, isn't it?
Thanks in advance! :yesyes:
(BTW, I'm not sure if I'm getting the instant notification email when there is a reply, I wasn't getting it on my introduction post, so if I don't reply right away pelase don't think I'm being rude. I'm really asking for help and will be obviously grateful for receiving any input)
I've introduced myself over a week ago but couldn't follow up on it since then. I'm basically trying to make sense of my story and how to present it because I think that plays a part on how help has been failing.
So I guess my main problem is that I suddenly stop being able to drive probably 3 years now. I wasn't involved in any accident, it didn't start with a clear pattern and I was living a less stressful life than a few years before, at least from an impersonal point of view. The way this settled in was fast, took a couple of weeks only. I would start feeling like I've lost the sense of spacial depth, movement etc while driving, similar to what aviators describe as vertigo. Anxiety would settle in after because I would realize I couldn't really tell my relative position and speed to other cars and that would manifest in a freeze anxiety response. My legs would freeze up, I would be afraid of breaking too fast or not at all, not able to release the clutch smoothly and just ram the car in front of me in heavy traffic.
Sometimes it would happen during the day, others at night. Some with heavy traffic, others with clear streets. Sometimes with the car all closed because it was raining, other times with sunny days and windows down. Sometimes going to work, other times coming from work with everything done and weekend ahead.
For the first time in my life it got to a point where I had to park the car and phone someone to pick me up and the car. It was more or less clear that this would come up in a classic fashion of things getting bad when I was getting far away from home and I would be fine enough the next day to get a taxi, get in the car, drive to work and back. The final blow happened when I was well inside the "safe zone", probably a couple of Kms from home. I had to once again call a cab but, the next day, as soon as I start taking the car out of the parking spot I noticed I wasn't fine and I had 0 spacial awareness, I just knew rationally what was up and down and left and right by reasoning it. I just couldn't feel it.
This is where I lose the doctors because I had a driving phobia over 20 years ago and it came back maybe 7 years back when it came to driving on motorways. They imidiatly think it's the same thing. I'm not sure it is, it doesn't feel remotely like it. The panic and anxiety comes after my feeling and realization of 0G and I've noticed I'm not tachycardic or breathing too fast until then.
I should add by now that I worked as a psychodynamic physiotherapist for 20 years and I got rid of my first episode of driving phobia during my training therapy. I'm mentioning this because I might be too close to some of the doctors I asked for help on this "second coming" (if it is more of the same) and they were too sure of what it was because they knew me. I went for help with my therapist but I felt he wasn't paying any attention to what I was saying or making any effort. He even asked me what medication I wanted him to prescribe me, like I would know. So I asked the doctor I was working with and he listened for 3 minutes and gave me something that made things even worst. Then changed it, the again and again.
Got to a point where it was even hard getting out of the house because I would lose balance/orientation even walking. Riding on the passenger seat of a taxi started to be just as hard as driving myself.
So I went to my GP. He ran some tests and I was fine on all fronts except a mild obstructive sleep apnea (a little over 20 events an hour). Went to a sleep psychiatrist, she thought that using one of those things that you stick in your mouth would be enough for reducing the apnea, I asked for the definitive solution and no more experiments. That's a CPAP. I stopped having headaches as soon as I woke up but the driving stuff and company stayed the same.
Went to two otorhino doctors and had a MRI to see what would be causing the obstruction and my nose is all crooked inside. They didn't want to operate. One of them did put me to a test where I was diagnoses with one problem in my inner ear where stimulus from horizontal acceleration get to the brain at different speeds from my right and left ear (I would have to look it up what test it was and exaclty what it says). I felt it didn0t explain my symptoms and "it wouldn't matter anyway because there's nothing to do about it, it's something recent we know". More pills for dizziness, didn't help.
Neurologist didn't saw the need for any test.
Started CBT therapy but it was half-arsed by the part of the therapist, at the same time went to the physchiastrist that worked with her and was suposedly this expert in CBT/panic issues. Took me out of all the medication that finally made things more stable at that moment (Xamax XR and Prozac), went very badly.
Had an intensive short-term therapy with colleague that is NPL/hypnotherapy trained, didn't do a thing (btw, I don't believe that can work but I no longer trusted what I think I knew or not)
Had to relocate to the other end of the country because I got into med school at 40... no fun, not having a car, family or friends to help me move around. Fortunatly there's Uber but not everywhere.
Started seeing another CBT therapist that has trained under some of the top CBT people around here. No help and I honestly think she has no clue what she's doing because I don't fit her boxes. I'm also difficult to impress because I worked in the field for a long time, always studied hard, kept supervisions, got a PhD on the field... I know the arguments and the conterarguments.
I was about to give up on her after she sent me to some expert psychiatrist who didn't even let me speak and told me to do mindefullness meditation and to get a therapist that would get in a car with me. Well, she did that.
I've been hiring a car once a week and trying to drive with her besides me (used to be even harder because I would have to worry about the passenger also). That has been very erratic... some days I can drive more or less fine for a while, even with traffic, the next time I can hardly can change from 1st to second gear because my leg won't move. Anxiety kicks in after I realise that is happening. I can't see a pattern or problems or improvements there. (BTW, I've been trying to drive on my own almost since the start, around my house and stuff. Same thing... one day less bad, next day worst, no evolution over time. Sold the car when moved)
Went to anther GP, asked for a much more complete blood panel: Vitamin D is very close to be in deficit, strangely dopamine is pretty high (121.9 when the reference is <87), cortisol and ACTH is slightly above the max, testosterone is within limits but low, folic acid is below the limits hGH is pretty low (less than 0.05 on an interval of 0.06 to 5). GP says it's fine, my old boss says it's fine.
I'm going to yet another doctor and probably my last try (psychiatrist and neurologist). My mood is not the best, I'm probably depressed because this thing also affects my autonomy but I don't really feel depressed, just numb.
I can't see a pattern, I don't feel anything helps and I have a feeling of this being the result of something primary not diagnosed that sets in motion old sympthoms that do have to do with the way I react to adversity.
This is a short version of the story, I haven't included a lot of information but you are probably already tired of reading it or stopped at some point and decided that something was the main point. That's the problem I'm having when trying to explain this to a doctor, even if he is physiologically minded. They just end up saying, "well, you have to try it for longer". It has been 3 years, I'm getting very tired of trying with no concrete or solid results.
I'm now living on a part of the country which is really badly serviced for this sort of stuff. Also badly served on public transportation, so owning a car is really important here.
Thoughs, questions and suggestions are very welcomed. Especially feedback on the way I'm presenting my situation. It is too long, isn't it?
Thanks in advance! :yesyes:
(BTW, I'm not sure if I'm getting the instant notification email when there is a reply, I wasn't getting it on my introduction post, so if I don't reply right away pelase don't think I'm being rude. I'm really asking for help and will be obviously grateful for receiving any input)