Wish I could be free of my cancer anxiety

[notwavingbutdrowning]

Hi all, I'm new here. I hope someone out there can help me feel less scared and confused.
I've always been an anxious, nervous person who has suffered with health anxiety to a greater or lesser extent for years.
But recently my fear of discovering I have terminal cancer is sucking the joy out of every day.
This latest episode started around a month ago. I had sudden onset pain, hardness, and swollen feeling in my boob. I know that's quite common esp certain times of month but this did not feel normal! My gp thought it was prob an infection in a cyst (have had scares before that were cysts..breast and ovarian) but put me on antibiotics and referred me to hospital as a precaution.
I got home and turned to Dr Google...well immediately it brought up how breast infections were uncommon in non breastfeeding ladies (my kids are high school age) and to rule out inflammatory breast cancer...
In a nutshell I went to pieces. Shaking, palpitations, crying constantly. I also felt flu like and convinced myself this was the cancer spreading. My breast returned to normal after a day or two which reassured me a bit-but then I found a huge hard lump. I went back to gp in bits and begged her to bring my hospital appointment forward. She said she did not think I had any breast infection, the flu symptoms were probably just a coincidental virus, but her face turned serious when she felt the lump and she said she couldn't offer me reassurance.
I managed to get a cancellation appointment at hospital a few days later and a mammogram and ultrasound showed I just had loads of cysts. Dr said cysts would perhaps be an ongoing problem maybe for me now til menopause ie lumps, pain etc but not to panic in future. And to STAY OFF GOOGLE!
For a few hours I was elated. I didn't have breast cancer!

Then that very same evening, I was in the bath and suddenly wondered why a mole on my leg was darker than the rest. That sent me into meltdown again (esp as I'm pale with lots of moles, and have family history of melanoma). I also worried about a mole and odd skin patch on my breast. Tried to console myself with "surely the gp/ breast consultant would've recommended I get it checked out if they noticed it and were concerned" but that didn't reassure me because next morning I was back to Dr Google looking at images of malignant melanomas and convincing myself I had several. I even convinced myself my teenage son had one.
Since then my flu like symptoms have returned. Painful swallowing/glands in neck up. Feel tired and head burning up but no actual temperature. And chest and back pain, hard to fully inhale.
So now I think I've got melanomas, lung cancer, lymphoma, leukemia, to name but a few types of cancer.

I am going back to GP on friday. Originally to have him check my moles and discuss my anxiety. But now I have these other symptoms eg feeling ill, tight chest, swollen glands, I want him to check all that too. But the appointments are only 10 minutes, am so scared I won't get time to discuss it all or he'll think I'm just a time waster.
Has anyone ever felt like this? So much going thru my head. If I have cancer, I'm not mentally strong enough to go thru treatment. I'm scared of having to leave my family. What if it's cancer and already spread so quickly, and then my death really screws my kid's heads up and they end up making poor life decisions, having depression or anxiety due to losing their mum during puberty?
I should add that I have an amazing partner, but his attitude to health and symptoms are total opposite to me...just ignore it, he'd rather not know the worst! So I feel he could never understand how it feels, and how we HA sufferers would give anything not to feel this way.
Sending huge hugs to anyone who feels like me xx

[ktdid2000]

I've been there and AM there at the moment. :(

I think when you're a mom the prospect (real or imagined) of any terrible illness is just so much worse. It's not just you, it's everyone that depend on you that will suffer alongside you and the guilt is just unreal.

Keep in mind though that even if the "worst" ever happens, the whole family is impacted even if you are 90 years old. Sure, people expect death sooner rather than later for people in their 90s, but the loss is felt no matter what age you are. And I would be willing to bet your loved ones would bend over backwards to help - it wouldn't be your fault!!! No one asks for these things to happen.

As for the current anxieties, you just had a pretty unsettling experience even for normal people. Now you've been given the all-clear (yay!), but the high anxiety will likely stick around for a while and it's looking for something else to latch on to and be worried about. This happens all the time for people with HA.

My suggestion would be to accept that you are fine for now, and get really busy with distractions that are productive until the anxiety settles down. I say productive because things like watching TV have never worked for me, I have to be making something or creating something to distract myself so I'm forced to focus on what I'm doing.

[JaneS]

You sound just like me and I’m sure there are plenty of others on the forum that feel the same. I am obsessed in the same way and have a huge fear of cancer. I have lots of moles and am always checking them for signs of change, same with my breasts and any pain anywhere in my body, discomfort etc., I always think the worse case scenario. Believe me you are not alone and this is a common phobia. I have had CBT and this does help you to face these fears and how to deal with them. One thing I did learn from my therapist was to stop checking your body for signs and symptoms and whilst this is difficult, it does eventually become easier. I now try to check my breasts/moles monthly rather than daily and that lessens the anxiety. Googling really is not good as it simply feeds the anxiety. I once read a post on here that referred to living your life instead of worrying and I do try to remember this when my HA kicks in. I tell myself to get on with living and doing things that I enjoy. It sounds to me like all your symptoms are anxiety related and when you see your doctor I’m sure he/she will agree. Big hugs x

[Golden]

You sound exactly like me. I’m struggling so terribly bad right now. Your words are almost verbatim to what I told my husband today. I’m too mentally weak to fight something terrible. I don’t have the positive outlook in me. I had a neck ultrasound and get the results in two days - I’m terrified. I can’t stop picturing the dr. Giving me bad news. It feels so real.

I pray that we can all get some peace because HA is a horrible thing that plagues us. I wish I had encouragement for you but I just had to reach out and let you know that those same things go thru my mind all the time. *hugs*

[kah]

I could have written your post, I am exactly the same!

My HA started about 8 yrs ago and since then I've had literally every type of cancer you can think of (all in my head of course!!). I've had test after test and when the results come back clear (they always do), it's such a huge relief....... for a while! Then I become obsessed by another worrying symptom.

I had CBT a few years ago which lessened the worry but it never truely went, I'm now having another course which I hope will help again. I've also had hypnotherapy which again helped in the short term.

Those symptoms that are making you think the 'cancer' has spread are caused by anxiety. Think back a few days before the panic started and I bet those extra symptoms weren't there, and realistically there's no way in just a few days any cancer would spread so quickly it would be everywhere. I do the same, my mind gets so overwhelmed it escalates things to ridiculous levels where there is no talking me down. A technique I learnt before is to imagine a friend is telling you she has the same symptoms you have, what would your advice to her be? It's usually a lot easier to be practical when you're thinking about someone else's health. Give it a try. Really hope you get some help, if you ever want to chat, feel free to message me x

[unsure_about_this]

I been there and still there, every symptom to me is cancer or ms, I have tried cbt did not work, tried the cat technique in the box dead or alive. I have tests and everything come back fine, bloods, scans, urine, but there is a still a proble with pain.

[herbie73]

Hi there I have been through this many time, ever since I was 13, I know how you feel, I'm going through this at the moment, it's a horrible feeling especially when you have a young family, I don't really know what to say other than it is your health anxiety acting up, but I know that dosnt help when people say that, I am waiting for test results at the moment and I have promised myself if all comes back ok, I'm seriously sorting my life out I can't keep going on like this wasting my life and you need to do the same, ask your dr for help you cant live your life like this, I'm nearly 45 and I have wasted most of my life due to ha, I refuse to do it anymore and so should you, you deserve happiness, I hope you feel better soon, you can always message me.


Big hugs

Herbie xxx

[Carys]

Health anxiety is a fear of mortality in essense. We all know that someday, hopefully when we are really old, we won't be here - we (of course, I do too!) fear that day coming. I don't know how common HA is in older people (70 plus) , they don't seem to come here and post - of course that may be a combination of the older age group not being regular forum users, or maybe I just don't know the age of people posting. It just seems to be that HA sufferers are from late childhood to 60 ish. I am pondering if this is because people feel the fear much more of morality, as they've not had a 'fair and long' life , if they do get some serious illness. Anyhow, thats kind of besides the point really, I think trusting the medical people around you is the way to go on this (of course, so simple saying the words).



Never has there been a better time to be alive in terms of healthcare and the treatability of illnesses, including cancers. They are more effectively treated than ever before, and there is ever advancing research finding new therapies. Doctors are now true specialists in the fields they work in - day in and day their experiences teach them more and more about symptoms, what to look for, and how to treat it. To my mind it is kinda natural for many people to fear becoming ill and their lives being unsaveable - but it is when it is taken too far and becomes something which is all you focus on (each weeny little change or symptom), and you don't find reassurance in tests and checks that it becomes HA.



Whats the answer ? I don't know. I do know that part of it must be trusting those medical professionals around us. :D

[Bigboyuk]

Health anxiety is a fear of mortality in essense. We all know that someday, hopefully when we are really old, we won't be here - we (of course, I do too!) fear that day coming. I don't know how common HA is in older people (70 plus) , they don't seem to come here and post - of course that may be a combination of the older age group not being regular forum users, or maybe I just don't know the age of people posting. It just seems to be that HA sufferers are from late childhood to 60 ish. I am pondering if this is because people feel the fear much more of morality, as they've not had a 'fair and long' life , if they do get some serious illness. Anyhow, thats kind of besides the point really, I think trusting the medical people around you is the way to go on this (of course, so simple saying the words).



Never has there been a better time to be alive in terms of healthcare and the treatability of illnesses, including cancers. They are more effectively treated than ever before, and there is ever advancing research finding new therapies. Doctors are now true specialists in the fields they work in - day in and day their experiences teach them more and more about symptoms, what to look for, and how to treat it. To my mind it is kinda natural for many people to fear becoming ill and their lives being unsaveable - but it is when it is taken too far and becomes something which is all you focus on (each weeny little change or symptom), and you don't find reassurance in tests and checks that it becomes HA.



Whats the answer ? I don't know. I do know that part of it must be trusting those medical professionals around us. :DGreat Post Cary's will add you say at the bottom of your post: And you don't find reassurance in tests and checks that it then becomes HA. I will add this too it's treatable and can be successfully managed too :) And yes it's all about trusting the professionals too I always look at the title of a post this sums it up for me just like the title in this thread. ATB

[Mommyof1]

I'm right where you are. I'm struggling terribly. I've had a mammogram, ultrasound, and 2nd opinion and I still can't let it go.

I'm having a hard time differentiating what is a gut feeling is and what is the anxiety trying to convince me of something. I REALLY feel like something is wrong. I just know it. But my therapist keeps telling me that the anxiety "knows it", but my doctors say I'm fine.

I just dont understand how you can have one breast that is 100% normal with no lumps and then you can have another one that has 5 or 6 different shaped, different feeling lumps in it. How do you know what is cancer? How do you know that they haven't missed it on scans?

My husband is a medic so he puts all of his faith in the medical community and I dont understand how he can do that when there are so many mistakes. This is my life we are talking about. I have a 2 year old. I can't just say screw it, if I die, I die.

[unsure_about_this]

I been to the gp three times so far this and feel I need to go again to see my GP because I worry about every symptom, mark, pain, lump etc, though my bloods were fine (still waiting for one)

I am worried about every symptom is the big c