View Full Version : Please help - desperate
Hi all,
I am a new member but have visited the site for years which has helped me a lot with health anxiety but over the last few months I have suffered terribly.
I have been married for 14 years, have 3 kids (age 13 10 9) but had a one night stand about 8.5 years ago. For the last 20 years I have been terrified of hiv and aids but have now convinced myself I have it, but worse still infected my wife and younger children who were breast feeding at the time of my one night stand - which was with a woman from work and I cannot remember if I used protection. I am not in contact with her but saw she is married and has had 2 children in the last 6 years and worry that she might have caught it from him and given it to me.
I don’t really have any symptoms, neither have my wife or kids, but I have noticed a white area on the side of my daughters tongue which looks like oral hairy leukoplakia but the dentist and doctor both said it is a normal variation of the tongue.
I have, for the last few months spent hours a day looking for info on the internet and today I have spent the whole day and I am terrified. I cannot talk to anyone about it.
I am at the end of my tether - please help.
Mindprison
28-04-18, 18:01
I mean...
Have you asked your doctor to test you for HIV/AIDS?
Surely it would make more sense to go get a quick blood test done for it rather than worrying yourself over the course of 8 years?
Also I REALLY hope you're not implying what I think you are when you say that the person you slept with has a black caribbean husband and that you're basing that as the reason she could have AIDS.
If you are...surely you see how offensive that is?
Sorry I'm confused, you say that you are worried you caught HIV from a woman 8 years ago but she has had two kids in the last 6 years and you think her husband may have given it to her.
So surely that occured after you slept with her? Or was she having a one night stand behind her husbands back as well?
I think this is more about you feeling guilty having a one night stand behind your wife's back and your guilt is manifesting itself in this way.
As Mindprison says it's easy to get a test done and also you might want to reword the way you refer to the ladies husband. I'm sure you don't intend it to come across this way but it does read that you think he's more likely to have HIV because he is Black Carribean.
IMO you will be fine but I think if you really are that concerned about it you should get a test for the sake of your wife and children if nothing else.
Sorry if I sound unsympathetic but this isn't just about you it concerns your wife and children as well who are blissfully unaware of your fears.
Hi thanks for your reply.
I have editted the post as I understand how my sentence sounded which I did not mean.
I am terrified to go for a test in case it is positive. I wouldn’t know what to do if it was positive and my family were all infected.
I suppose this is the only way to know for sure. I suppose the chances are in my favour:
1) she probably didn’t have hiv and has had 2x healthy children since
2) even if she did I might have used a condom
3) even if I didn’t use a condom I might not have caught it
4) if I did catch it I still haven’t had major symptoms after nearly 9 years
5) my wife and children are all in good health without any major illness
I will get booked for a test next week but any thoughts would be welcome in the meantime.
Thank you again
---------- Post added at 18:22 ---------- Previous post was at 18:17 ----------
Thanks Munchlet.
She was not with her husband when we slept together - I am not even sure if she knew him at the time but my anxiety has obviously got the better of me and I am thinking irrationally. (If she slept with me she could have slept with others and it was only a year after we slept together that she announced they were dating)
I reckon I’ve got more chance of winning the euro millions than you have of being HIV+ and I don’t put the euro millions on.
Another thought is most women have thorough testing during pregnancy which includes testing for HIV so I'm sure it would have been picked up and I'm sure that people with HIV are advised to contact former partners, so I would guess you are fine.
Thanks Pmrr - what makes you say that? I know it does seem unlikely but I just cannot get it out of my mind. :weep:
---------- Post added at 18:30 ---------- Previous post was at 18:27 ----------
Another thought is most women have thorough testing during pregnancy which includes testing for HIV so I'm sure it would have been picked up and I'm sure that people with HIV are advised to contact former partners, so I would guess you are fine.
Yes, this is correct but I wouldn’t know if she was diagnosed during pregnancy as we lost contact and I don’t think she would try and get in touch if she found out she was hiv+
---------- Post added at 21:02 ---------- Previous post was at 18:30 ----------
Anymore thoughts from anyone please?
had a one night stand about 8.5 years ago......I don’t really have any symptoms, neither have my wife or kids
First off... NO WAY this is realistic. Secondly, does your wife know about the one night stand? If not, I totally agree with Munchlet that this is a manifestation of guilt induced anxiety that's going nag at you until you can find a way to resolve it.
Positive thoughts
Hi there - what do you mean not realistic?
No she doesn’t know anything about it...and yes, I do feel guilty and worry that I have effed everything up. We have our dream family, house, life etc and now I just know I’m going to lose it all because of a stupid mistake.
Not realistic as far as being infected. The rest is in my previous reply.
Good luck and as always...
Positive thoughts
Hang on a minute, not only does nobody have any symptoms, absolutely no reason to suppose she was infected, etc., but the chances of getting the infection from a single incident of intercourse, *if she were infected*, and no condom was used, is estimated at 1 in 2500. (I checked the latest studies.)
You're worrying about nothing. Put it behind you!
The odds of you having gotten HIV from her are so low as to be negligible. There's some statistics online regarding risk of getting HIV per sexual act (by gender and type of act) -- *assuming* she was not just HIV-positive, but chronically infected and not on any kind of treatment, i.e. out-of-control viral growth, a man has only about a 1 in 2500 risk. That's if she had full-blown AIDS. (With anal sex it's a bit higher, like 1 in 900).
In my opinion the greatest risk to you is from guilt, and feeling bad and that it might harm your relationship. I get that ... But if you guys are otherwise solid and have a good life together that should be fixable. Best way through guilt is honesty and repentance. But you're ok; you didn't get HIV or give it to anyone.
Nikolai
---------- Post added at 14:21 ---------- Previous post was at 14:18 ----------
(Daedalus, lol -- we must have been reading the same study at exactly the same time! :)
I know it doesn’t seem likely.
Like I said, the only issue is this white patch on the tongue of my daughter that looks exactly like oral hairy leukoplakia that is only seen in HIV - albeit very rare in children - but I do worry the doctor and dentist haven’t seen it before so didn’t recognise it.
I know I have to get a grip and only last week I had a good day and realised I was being silly but since it has been the most real thing.
I know I have to get a grip and only last week I had a good day and realised I was being silly but since it has been the most real thing.
I'm not a sufferer but I have my own demons that I battle and I've been around these boards long enough to be able to recognize an anxiety spiral and other psychological issues when I see them.
It's not a matter of "getting a grip" because right now the rope is out of reach. It's more of a matter of recognizing that and the need to seek help. The fact your posting here is an admission of that whether you accept it or not. If you're not seeking professional help, I urge you to do so. IMO, you have a lot of pent up guilt that is affecting you in such a negative way that it's sapping the enjoyment out of your life.
I get it. I've been on the receiving end of infidelity and the pain it evokes is beyond words. To be the one responsible? You have to find a way to work that out. This is not about HIV, you know it, I know it, we all know it.
I wish you peace...
Positive thoughts
WiseMonkey
29-04-18, 03:52
You need to take responsibility for having this one night stand (while you were married), it was your choice and this is the consequence. Man up and get the test done, if you go to an Aids clinic they do the new generation test which takes 20 mins and also tests for syphilis as well.
When you can get the all clear, you can give thanks for your wonderful family and life.
Next time you're temped to stray from your wife, be a man (not a boy) and make the mature decision.
Yes - thank you, I feel bad enough already so there is really no need to rub it in a bit several more times in your post.
Yes - thank you, I feel bad enough already so there is really no need to rub it in a bit several more times in your post. Don't think that is anyones intention to rub it in. but you have a wife
and children now to consider get the test done out of the way, close the door on it and move on not easy but do able :) ATB
Don't think that is anyones intention to rub it in. but you have a wife and children now to consider get the test done out of the way, close the door on it and move on not easy but do able :) ATB
Respectfully BBoy, the test isn't the answer here. It's going to be negative. The OP as well as the other woman would be showing clear signs after 8.5 years. The issue is coming to grips with a decision and regrettable action. The guilt of which is manifesting itself into an irrational fear of a disease the OP clearly doesn't have.
I've never been in that situation but I've been a victim of it. It's not pretty and it took me years to come to terms with it and find peace. Who knows how she made out :shrug: Some people can live with it and some can't. I really think real life professional help is needed to help sort things out and find a manageable way moving forward.
Positive thoughts
Hi everyone, thanks for all your messages.
After a very bad weekend of severe anxiety about possible HIV following noticing some small red areas on my tongue I have finally, after 9 years of worry, been for a full sexual health test. I now need to wait up to a week for the results.
The doctor who was lovely said she would be ‘sensationally surprised’ if it was positive and wouldn’t even talk about what we need to do next if it is. I suppose that is reassuring but she obviously doesn’t know - only the blood tests will know.
I now feel absolutely terrified and have no idea how I will get through the next few days.
Any thoughts welcome.
Hi everyone, thanks for all your messages.
After a very bad weekend of severe anxiety about possible HIV following noticing some small red areas on my tongue I have finally, after 9 years of worry, been for a full sexual health test. I now need to wait up to a week for the results.
The doctor who was lovely said she would be ‘sensationally surprised’ if it was positive and wouldn’t even talk about what we need to do next if it is. I suppose that is reassuring but she obviously doesn’t know - only the blood tests will know.
I now feel absolutely terrified and have no idea how I will get through the next few days.
Any thoughts welcome. Hi Can I ask have you been googling your symptoms? Never a good idea mate. Also you could have had a POC test for HIV which takes 20 mins for the results to come back. Well the dr would know these things based on what you told her and your history so she isn't totally guessing I mean it was 9 years ago. Go figure :) ATB
‘sensationally surprised’That is a pretty darned positive statement. Go with it.
How do you get through the next few days ? Remind yourself there is actually nothing you can change, or feel, that will make any difference right now. You can worry till you are puking, and itll change nothing, or you can just go about your life and at least not feel ill till the results come.The test is taken, it will be what it will be.
You stand the most amazingly high chance of there being absolutely NOWT at all. However, if you manage to sensationalisy surprise the doctor, then you need to address it and be treated. I am presuming you would want treatments in the highly unlikely event that you had HIV show up ? Better to have treatment surely - right - than none ?
Either way, positive or negative, your 9 year HA 'closure' will be found. :D
Thanks for your replies - they certainly are helpful.
Yes I have been googling symptoms and the latest one which I believe is a form of oral thrush seems to overwhelmingly point to HIV. I have 3-4 little (1-3mm) red areas on my tongue along with burning on the top of my mouth (but no redness or anything there). HIV seems the only explaination as the other causes are things like taking antibiotics or wearing dentures etc.
If the test is positive I will presume that my wife (and child via breast feeding) are both positive too which will be all of my worst fears comes true and don’t know how I would go on knowing what I had done to them. Not only would I have ruined my life but theirs too. :’-(
The Dr said they don’t do the 20min test at that clinic but said would try to get it done quickly but I am not holding my breath.
Arghhhhh what am I going to do??
The real question is what are you going to do when you get the all clear?
Positive thoughts
Thanks for your replies - they certainly are helpful.
Yes I have been googling symptoms and the latest one which I believe is a form of oral thrush seems to overwhelmingly point to HIV. I have 3-4 little (1-3mm) red areas on my tongue along with burning on the top of my mouth (but no redness or anything there). HIV seems the only explaination as the other causes are things like taking antibiotics or wearing dentures etc.
If the test is positive I will presume that my wife (and child via breast feeding) are both positive too which will be all of my worst fears comes true and don’t know how I would go on knowing what I had done to them. Not only would I have ruined my life but theirs too. :’-(
The Dr said they don’t do the 20min test at that clinic but said would try to get it done quickly but I am not holding my breath.
Arghhhhh what am I going to do?? So you would rather believe dr Google over the clinic dr?? I also find strange that your GUM clinic doesn't do the 20 min test thought it was a standard test? Get ready for the I told ya so you will be fine ok :) ATB
Yes I have been googling symptoms and the latest one which I believe is a form of oral thrush seems to overwhelmingly point to HIV. I have 3-4 little (1-3mm) red areas on my tongue along with burning on the top of my mouth (but no redness or anything there). HIV seems the only explaination as the other causes are things like taking antibiotics or wearing dentures etc.
...and the specialist also saw your mouth I presume? Before she said she would be 'sensationally suprised'. What did she think ?
Hi fishmanpa - always love your messages.
The way I feel now is that it is 100% going to be a bad result. I thought having done the test and the kind words from the doctor that I might feel better but I cannot stop reading about this ‘Erythematous Candidiasis’ that I must have.
There doesn’t appear to be any other explanation except HIV and all of the stuff I have read seems to indicate it is what I have.
I also just read about a guy that, like me, has been feeling down for a few months and was then diagnosed with Erythematous Candidiasis and then tested HIV positive shortly after.
So sorry for being a pain to all you guys. I really appreciate your patience
---------- Post added at 17:36 ---------- Previous post was at 17:33 ----------
...and the specialist also saw your mouth I presume? Before she said she would be 'sensationally suprised'. What did she think ?
The doctor was an STD specialist so although she did look at the red marks didn’t really say much about it...
The doctor was an STD specialist so although she did look at the red marks didn’t really say much about it...
but if she is an STD specialist, and you say this could be oral thrush that points to HIV, then she, as the specialist would know this too ?
---------- Post added at 17:40 ---------- Previous post was at 17:37 ----------
OK, look, oral thrush can also happen for other reasons (even if you do have it). Everyone has those bacteria in the mouth and its when they overgrow that they give symptoms. I had it once after a course of anti-biotics, and many others do too. Ask any woman about 'down there' after some courses of anti-biotics....horrible. :blush: From what I've just read, the link to HIV is that thrush can be set off by a lower immune system, but your immune system can also be lowered in other ways with other viruses and such-like.
Yes that is a good point I suppose - if she was worried she probably would have had a better look, asked a doctor to check or referred me. She probably knows the signs to look for doesn’t she. I haven’t had antibiotics though so haven’t found any other explaination.
She also did say that after 9 years I probably would be quite poorly but I have read stories today of people that didn’t have symptoms for more than 15 years.
Thanks all - you are all great.
She probably knows the signs to look for doesn’t she.
I would say definitely :D
Yes, I think you are right.
I just don’t know how or if I will be able to cope if it is positive. I did ask her what I should do if it comes back positive but she wouldn’t entertain it. I suppose if I get a text asking me to call as opposed to an all clear text I will just have to figure it out :-(
---------- Post added at 21:22 ---------- Previous post was at 17:52 ----------
Having now spent nearly 6 hours looking on the internet I have not found any examples of Erythematous Candidiasis in people without HIV, or who have recently taken antibiotics or people that wear dentures.
Given I am excluded from the latter 2 groups I presume the worst.
The waiting is killing me
Having now spent nearly 6 hours looking on the internet I have not found any examples of
Well, no wonder you are so stressed....6 HOURS ! Seriously, that really is not a good use of time, and is a rubbish idea for someone with anxiety. I had a quick look and saw that it can also occur with diabetes, various dry mouth conditions, are anaemic, take corticosteroids....and there were other things too.
Oh and look what elsse I've seen in a few places...
However, certain illnesses, stress, or medication can disturb the delicate balance, causing the candida organisms to grow out of control, causing thrush.
Have you been diagnosed with oral thrush ?
Hey Carys - thank you for replying again and for your research. I seem to be blind to the more positive stuff.
No I haven’t been diagnosed with it yet but the roof of my mouth feels like it is burning (although no redness, marks or anything) and I have developed a few tiny red patches on my tongue so prettty sure (based on what I saw and read) that it is what I have...
---------- Post added at 21:45 ---------- Previous post was at 21:43 ----------
Actually - just to say Carys, I think it is amazing that you took the time to reply and research. You really are a very kind person.
Thank you again x
Awww you are welcome......I only did it to prove that you are 'blind to the positive stuff'. :winks:
I'm not sure you have oral thrush you know. I've had it and it makes your mouth all white and horrible, coated and white blotchy. along with burning and red patches. Burning mouth can come along with tension and pressing your tongue against your teeth and the roof of your mouth.
It is funny how the anxiety only lets you focus on the negative outcomes isn’t it.
Yes, I thought thrush was white and red patches but this particular one if you search it up seems only to have mild red areas.
The only slightly strange thing is that the red dots on my tongue don’t hurt or burn at all and when I eat or drink anything the top of my mouth feels totally fine - this seems to contradict most of what I have read about it...
Ok... Oral Thrush... During and after my cancer treatment, I had it over a half a dozen times! It burns, hurts, makes it painful to swallow, makes your mouth taste like a sewer and in my case it was so bad it looked like I had cottage cheese growing in my mouth.
No, you don't have thrush. You are really spiraling badly though. When you get the all clear, you're going to have to find a way to reconcile the life choice you made that put you where you are today. I truly hope you can find peace.
Positive thoughts
this seems to contradict most of what I have read about it...
Okkkayyyy,now we are getting somewhere.:D So, when you saw this specialist today and you showed her your 'oral thrush' (as a symptom relating to HIV)....she either:
1. didn't see oral thrush as you don't have it.
2. doesn't recognised oral thrush, because shes clueless.
3. saw oral thrush and doesn't think it has anything to do with HIV.
We've established that she is an expert in STDs, she seemed very competent right?. So she would recognise thrush in people with compromised immunity....so....that rules out number 2.
Number three is ruled out because, she would also know that it happens in those with HIV.
That just leaves number 1........
Fishmanpa, spiralling is exactly how it feels - with no end in sight which makes it all the more scary. I just wonder where I go from here.
I do need to reconcile my life choices and I know you have been hurt by similar actions which makes your support and advice even more kind. I feel I am going to be made to pay for my mistake so I just need to figure out what to do if I find out I am positive (and that means my wife and child could be infected) which I couldn’t live with :-(
[QUOTE]I feel I am going to be made to pay for my mistake so I just need to figure out what to do if I find out I am positive[/ ?!QUOTE]
I think you are already paying for it, and have done for the last 9 years! You've been consumed with fear and guilt all this time, thats a heavy weight to carry. You feel huge remorse about the act which took place all those years ago, and entirely realise that your wife and family are worth more than this even happening again. I don't think it will ever happen again, it was a mistake a really unpleasant and potentially very costly mistake (in terms of losing relationships around you)...yes, you made that mistake...but I think you've learnt from it. You've learnt that those you love are of primary importance, and the pain of hurting them emotionally would be the worst thing ever. When you are given the all clear, I think you need to move on and forgive yourself and put it into the past where it belongs. People get forgiven for mistakes like this, and so time to forgive yourself ?!
Carys - when you put it like that, I find it difficult to argue!
My only pessimistic response having worried about this since my appointment is that she saw it and knew that the test probably would be positive. I very much doubt she would tell anyone she though they had HIV no matter what the symptoms.
Ohhhh I wish this could all be over right now. Just been looking online to try and find a clinic that could do a 20 min test tomorrow - without luck so far...
---------- Post added at 22:34 ---------- Previous post was at 22:25 ----------
Good points Carys as always.
Perhaps if I get a good result I can put it all behind me and not replace it with something else.
I remembered today that when I was 18 (22 years ago) someone said I have thrush after seeing my tongue. I read in a medical book that it was caused by HIV and that is probably when my health anxiety relating to HIV started...
Carys - when you put it like that, I find it difficult to argue!
My only pessimistic response having worried about this since my appointment is that she saw it and knew that the test probably would be positive. I very much doubt she would tell anyone she though they had HIV no matter what the symptoms.
Ohhhh I wish this could all be over right now. Just been looking online to try and find a clinic that could do a 20 min test tomorrow - without luck so far...
---------- Post added at 22:34 ---------- Previous post was at 22:25 ----------
Good points Carys as always.
Perhaps if I get a good result I can put it all behind me and not replace it with something else.
I remembered today that when I was 18 (22 years ago) someone said I have thrush after seeing my tongue. I read in a medical book that it was caused by HIV and that is probably when my health anxiety relating to HIV started... Hmm still having problems finding a clinic does the 20 min test you could ring NHS Choices they would know within mins the nearest 20 min clinic. Yeah me too I would like to think after carrying the burden on your shoulder for this long and you will get the all clear then you will have no other health issues which I sincerely hope you don't :) ATB
For some reason I cannot see it being negative. I just don’t know how I will be able to tell my wife but she will know immediately that something is wrong.
It feels like my whole life is about to be completely destroyed and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Had such a bad night - barely slept and had the worst thoughts :-(
For some reason I cannot see it being negative.
That doesn't surprise me. You've had a fear of HIV for 18 years, and spent probably days and days of your life researching and re-enforcing that fear. Why would that suddenly change now, when you are waiting on a test results for the condition that you have built up to be 'the one' you will get?!
Good morning Carys - I hope you are well?
I just don’t know how I am going to handle it if it is bad news. I have been having such terrible thoughts all night and then this morning reading about suicide rates in people who receive an HIV diagnosis.
I feel sick, tearful, scared and don’t know what to do with myself.
I have been having such terrible thoughts all night and then this morning reading about suicide rates in people who receive an HIV diagnosis. Why, why are you continuing to read on HIV, for hours and hours each day - and beyond that the very worst thing you could do - You had a terrible night so decided to read about suicide rates ?!?! This is foolish to be reading that type of thing in your current spiral. You need to stop it, and stop it today. If you MUST read something then try reading the positive stories of the majority of people who have HIV and live normal lives.
There are people out there now, that you pass in the street who are living with HIV; this is taken from the NHS information about it -
If you manage your condition properly by taking your medication correctly and avoiding illness, you should be able to live a near-normal life.
I don't for one moment think you are going to have a positive diagnosis, but you know what, if you did then you would need to get on with it and deal with it. You'd have to explain to your wife, take the consequences of her reaction and then life would be a roller coaster for a while, and then it would settle down. Nothing would be as bad in reality as your mind is creating right now.
If you really can't cope for another few days or so waiting, then find somewhere today to do the 20 minute test. Search on this link (you probably already did that I should think ?!)
https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/HIV-testing/LocationSearch/418
Sorry Carys I know this is silly and apologies if I annoyed you.
I will take your advice and stop reading about HIV today. It is the only way to stop this spiral.
I have noticed a lump under my tongue this morning which doesn’t hurt at all but looks a bit white/red. I cannot see anywhere that this is a sign of thrush but now have an appointment with my GP at 9:40 this morning. Hopefully she will be able to put this to bed either way.
I'm not annoyed, I'm just being firm; I just think you need to take some control over this situation right now. You can't control the test results and their date, or how you feel about HIV, or worrying and stress (thats going to take some time after this crisis point to work through all of that stuff)- but you can stop reading the most depressing articles the internet has to offer !
Let us know how you get on at the GP :o
Thanks Carys - I understand.
Will reply as soon as I can after the doctors.
Many thanks for all your support and kind words.
HI Red Honestly the only way forward is to like Carys says stop researching on this article and I will add concerntraite on trying to get your HA sorted :) What's done is done.Also I am interested what you gp says when you go for your appointment You should be all done by now :) ATB
Warning: Now I am going to sound really stupid...
So I went to the GP and she inspected my tongue, the roof of my mouth and under my tongue and says it all looks perfectly normal with the exception of the lump under my tongue but is not worried about it and I should go back in 2 weeks if it gets worse or starts hurting.
I asked her about thrush and she said the top of my tongue looks fine but the red dots I can see seemed to be a bit better than before so maybe she missed it.
She also had no idea about the burning / tingling sensation on the top of my mouth and checked it and as expected, no lesions or redness or anything. She said when I go for a follow-up blood test in a few months (due to a conflicting thyroid reading) they can check my B12 levels.
So all in all she said there is nothing wrong with my mouth and I just need to deal with it.
I read previously that some types of thrush can easily be missed by doctors or dentists. Do you think that could be the case here?
Thanks as always.
I read previously that some types of thrush can easily be misse
by doctors or dentists. Do you think that could be the case here?
Nope.
I said yesterday, as did FMP, that we didn't think you had thrush. :D
Warning: Now I am going to sound really stupid...
I didn't need the warning, I expected it. Not that you would look stupid, lol, but I expected you to come back and say this.
Warning: Now I am going to sound really stupid...
So I went to the GP and she inspected my tongue, the roof of my mouth and under my tongue and says it all looks perfectly normal with the exception of the lump under my tongue but is not worried about it and I should go back in 2 weeks if it gets worse or starts hurting.
I asked her about thrush and she said the top of my tongue looks fine but the red dots I can see seemed to be a bit better than before so maybe she missed it.
She also had no idea about the burning / tingling sensation on the top of my mouth and checked it and as expected, no lesions or redness or anything. She said when I go for a follow-up blood test in a few months (due to a conflicting thyroid reading) they can check my B12 levels.
So all in all she said there is nothing wrong with my mouth and I just need to deal with it.
I read previously that some types of thrush can easily be missed by doctors or dentists. Do you think that could be the case here?
Thanks as always. Red, While I want to reassure you it wont help the HA cycle constant reassurance seeking isn't good what I will say dr's aren't dr's over night they have years of training if your dr was remotely concerned she would have said I am referring you to xyz dept she clearly didn't referrer you so be honest what does that tell you?!! ATB
Arghhh this is totally doing my head in. I don’t think it is thrush then - but it would have been good to be told what it is or could be.
As I mentioned in my previous post, the results of all the blood tests I had about 6 weeks ago were ok apart from a conflicting result for the thyroid. The doctor said one was high but the other was normal. As soon as I type into google ‘abnormal thyroid test’ I see that 35% of people with HIV have it.
All of the evidence seems to stack up that the news is not going to be good.
Wtf am I going to do now?
Hi all,
I am a new member but have visited the site for years which has helped me a lot with health anxiety but over the last few months I have suffered terribly.
I have been married for 14 years, have 3 kids (age 13 10 9) but had a one night stand about 8.5 years ago. For the last 20 years I have been terrified of hiv and aids but have now convinced myself I have it, but worse still infected my wife and younger children who were breast feeding at the time of my one night stand - which was with a woman from work and I cannot remember if I used protection. I am not in contact with her but saw she is married and has had 2 children in the last 6 years and worry that she might have caught it from him and given it to me.
I don’t really have any symptoms, neither have my wife or kids, but I have noticed a white area on the side of my daughters tongue which looks like oral hairy leukoplakia but the dentist and doctor both said it is a normal variation of the tongue.
I have, for the last few months spent hours a day looking for info on the internet and today I have spent the whole day and I am terrified. I cannot talk to anyone about it.
I am at the end of my tether - please help.
I remember being worried about contracting HIV after having unprotected sex like 9 years ago. It made me so depressed, and really kickstarted my health anxiety career! I had constant ulcers in my mouth, and one time I had a cluster of ulcers (yuck!). I also had symptoms like darkening of the skin and sudden acne on my back. I was so terrified that I didn't even get a blood test before years had passed! Before I had my blood test I picked up a girlfriend, and we only used protection during sex. But then one time, she said she felt some pain in her mouth and she was annoyed by it. I offered to look into her mouth to see if I could find anything, and what do you know, it was an ulcer. I thought that I had infected her with HIV and I didn't know how to contain myself. I remember thinking: "These ulcers appeared because my immune system is being attacked by the HIV virus, thus rendering it fragile". But when I finally gathered the courage to get a blood test, it came back negative! The relief felt really good. Anyway, if it's 8.5 years ago, you shouldn't be worried about having HIV. I'm pretty sure your immune system would be near non-existent after so long without treatment, and you'd probably be very sick constantly. Believe what your doctors are saying, because us people with health anxiety are often irrational.
Take care :)
You are looking for evidence of HIV, all the time. You are blind to the fact that other things can cause the types of results you refer to in thyroid, for example stress and anxiety. I know of another user here too, who has been told stress and anxiety can cause borderline thyroid issues. Sounds like your results weren't even that clear anyway, if one doctor said ok and the other said high.
As for the mouth problems, burning mouth and dry mouth and assorted oral muscosa issues can have the same cause, major anxiety. Seen it here before.
You have two choices here -
1. Wait for the test results and stop searching your body and the internet for evidence of HIV (which doesn't exist to my mind, but I could be 'sensationally surpised' like your STD doctor.)
2. Go get a 20 minute test today to put this to rest earlier.
Arghhh this is totally doing my head in. I don’t think it is thrush then - but it would have been good to be told what it is or could be.
As I mentioned in my previous post, the results of all the blood tests I had about 6 weeks ago were ok apart from a conflicting result for the thyroid. The doctor said one was high but the other was normal. As soon as I type into google ‘abnormal thyroid test’ I see that 35% of people with HIV have it.
All of the evidence seems to stack up that the news is not going to be good.
Wtf am I going to do now?Again the dr who looked at the thyroid blood test again if he was concerned that it remotely may be HIV he would have said get a test done :) STOP GOOGLING it's NOT doing you any favours matey! Dr Google is not helpful one bit. ATB
It took so much courage, effort and heartache to get the test done yesterday I don’t think I can face it again today. I will try to stay off Dr Google.
You guys are all so kind. You don’t know me at all but you have spent much of your precious time researching and responding. I am not sure how I would have got this far without your messages of support. You have taught me a lot.
I hope not to surprise you Carys but have a horrible feeling I will. Not knowing when I will get a text (that could change my life) is hard I just need it to be soon.
It took so much courage, effort and heartache to get the test done yesterday I don’t think I can face it again today.OK, well, thats fair enough.....decision made.
The thing is, we've seen this before, and particularly I have seen it on another site (a cancer site).
People come who are facing genuine tests for 'something abnormal', they are in that period of waiting for the test results - and they develop and list exact symptoms of the illness they are fearing being told they will have. Pains, swellings, spots, lumps....feeling ill all over and flu like. They are so sure that they have cancer that they 'develop' the symptoms pf metastised cancer. Most are told a short while later that they are fine :DYou brain can convince you of anything, and once you start focusing on a particular illness....yup, you see what you 'want to see'. (You don't 'want to' but you know what I mean).
The human mind is an incredibly powerful unit. I've seen people with no physical reason not to be able to walk, using a wheelchair. I have done it myself - many years ago - was convinced of a brain problem and 'stopped being able to use' my left side. Well, thats how it felt, but obviously there was nothing wrong as here I am today fully functioning. Just as your brain can be used as a negative force, it can be turned around as a positive one. Thats the blessing. How do you think people do all these incredible things, like lift a car when under pressure to save a life of somebody trapped ?
I hope not to surprise you Carys but have a horrible feeling I will.
OK, well, if that happens that happens. I will immediately say sorry for doubting you - BUT - the techniques we are referring to are useful for any situation, even those who are dignosed with something. :winks:
I agree - it is amazing what the human body can do. I just wish mine would stop showing me these silly symptoms!
I feel a little better after the Dr saying it isn’t thrush and the burning feels a little less intense already. I hope I can just sit out the waiting now without too much more drama. It is going to be a long few days that is for sure...
Edited to add - you will NOT find the answer to if you have HIV or not online. ONLY the test can do that.
Nothing you do on the internet right now will make any difference, the outcome is already decided. You can spend the next few days sifting through evidence of having it, and convincing yourself that you have it, and make yourself even more terrified than you already are, OR you can prepare for the fact that you either won't have it, or will need to talk to your wife.
Why waste time considering all the evidence it will not provide an answer.
I know for you at the moment (just like the women awaiting mamogram results - even though they do have something that definitely needs diagnosing, your mental situation isn't that different) you feel your life is on a knife-edge, just waiting for the text. They spend hours and hours searching the internet for examples to prove they do or don't have cancer. They never find the answer, as only their biopsies will show that.
I say the similar things to them as I do you now - even if you DO have what you fear, why not start focusing on how it will be treated ? How you will live the rest of your life? How will you tell your wife and make amends for the awful mistake ? All those people who have this condition and live normally after the diagnosis - Concentrate on the aspects of this.
We can keep telling you, like the doctor, time and time again that we don't suspect you have HIV, that will make no difference to you right now. You are utterly convinced, so why not do a bit of work on how things will progress IF you do get a HIV diagnosis. Try and remove some of the fear of it.
At some point in the future all of us will have some illness or other that needs treating, and its a great thing to build skills in learning to cope with that situation.
---------- Post added at 11:37 ---------- Previous post was at 11:36 ----------
I feel a little better after the Dr saying it isn’t thrush and the burning feels a little less intense already.
Yup :roflmao:
Thanks Carys. You are right - nothing I do or don’t do will change the facts now. It will be what it’ll be. You do however seem to be erring more on the side of bad news now. Is there anything behind that or just preparing me for the worst?
You do however seem to be erring more on the side of bad news now. Is there anything behind that or just preparing me for the worst?
Arrrghhhhhh :wacko: NO I'm not erring on the side of bad news - I don't think for one moment that you will get bad news. I would put money on it, if I was a betting sort.:D
I just thought, as you are utterly convinced that you have HIV, and are convinced you will get a positive result, that actually planning what you would do IF it was might be less stressful than the 'not knowing'. You seem unable to currently think that it will all be fine, so I was trying a different method of getting you to remove the fear of HIV. It works for some people - thinking ok, so I might have it,and if I do ?!
Ignore me, if you think it won't work for you. :yesyes:
Sorry sorry sorry! I get it - I’m sorry.
It is such a tough week I am not thinking or acting straight.
I really really really hope it is ok - just need to see the text now and know one way or the other...
Sorry sorry sorry! I get it - I’m sorry. Oh bless your heart, thats ok. Don't worry - just its your brain picking out the negative again from everything thats said.
Just you are running round like a headless chicken (mentally) right now, and thought it was better to focus yourself by removing the fear of HIV as an alternative route. It doesn't matter though - as you were ....:roflmao: My mistake, I should have not brought that idea up.
Its all going to be ok, honestly....
Gotta go
Thanks Carys. You are right - nothing I do or don’t do will change the facts now. It will be what it’ll be. You do however seem to be erring more on the side of bad news now. Is there anything behind that or just preparing me for the worst?
No, Carys isn't erring at all. It's just that nothing anyone says really quells your worry. It often gets to the point here, regardless of the fear, when a poster is so far in the rabbit hole that responders realize nothing said will quench the dragon's thirst. That's the case here. The negativity and internal turmoil is palpable.
As I said previously, when you get the all clear, I truly hope you find a way to reconcile your feelings.
FMP
That is actually so true. There is nothing that I can think of that anyone could say would convince me that it will all be ok. And maybe investing some time in figuring out what I might do if it is bad is a good shout.
But you guys being with me through this and offering some sane thinking is making a big difference. Having never talked to anyone about it, it has come as a relief to be able to open up a bit.
My tongue definitely seems a bit better and about an hour ago I couldn’t really notice the red areas but they seem to have come back now. Hopefully a day or two and they will disappear for good.
I did just have a look to see how long others have waited for their results and most people seem to hear pretty quick - within a day or so. Do you think I might hear sooner than a week?
That is actually so true. There is nothing that I can think of that anyone could say would convince me that it will all be ok. And maybe investing some time in figuring out what I might do if it is bad is a good shout.
But you guys being with me through this and offering some sane thinking is making a big difference. Having never talked to anyone about it, it has come as a relief to be able to open up a bit.
My tongue definitely seems a bit better and about an hour ago I couldn’t really notice the red areas but they seem to have come back now. Hopefully a day or two and they will disappear for good.
I did just have a look to see how long others have waited for their results and most people seem to hear pretty quick - within a day or so. Do you think I might hear sooner than a week? That's the trouble with HA it always comes up with some new worry when the old one is done with. try and get some coping skills in place to help you through the dark times anything that can lighten the load will help ;) ATB
Yes, I think that is good advice. I have had a pain in my back for a few months that because of my HIV fear has got me worrying that it is Hodgkins lymphoma (an AIDS defining illness) as there seemed to be pain when drinking alcohol which is a classic but rare symptom.
If I do get bad news this week I fear it could be very bad and I probably won’t have much time left.
If I do get bad news this week I fear it could be very bad and I probably won’t have much time left.
How come ? Seems like the doctor doesn't think you are even showing signs of being ill !
I know but Doctors can get it wrong sometimes I suppose. I was also thinking earlier after reading all the posts again that I might have misled you all a little.
I did say I don’t have any symptoms which is true apart from all the tongue stuff but I have had symptoms in the past which could change your view:
2013: foot numbness no cause found after mri scan
2015: seborrhoric dermatitis on face relieved with cream but still recurring
2015: numb thigh when lying down
2016: little red blood spots appearing on my body
2017: rash on forehead that Dr said was broken capillaries
My wife also had to have a cervical biopsy earlier this year due to CIN 1/2 but healed from this now and follow up in 3 months.
Does any of that change your thoughts?
---------- Post added at 15:29 ---------- Previous post was at 15:23 ----------
In my favour, I have never had the seroconversion type illness that a lot of people seem to get with HIV. Nor has my wife or child from what I can remember and given that 50% to 80% of people get it then it does help a little
NO its doesn't change my opinion. :winks:
Thanks Carys. I am feeling a bit less stressed and wound up this evening. I accept that I will never be able to diagnose myself on symptoms alone and have done the test so just have to sit it out. I’m sure it is only temporary and will be back to full on fear mode before the night is out but an hour of feeling slightly more positive is nice.
Thanks for your ongoing patience x
I’m sure it is only temporary and will be back to full on fear mode before the night is out but an hour of feeling slightly more positive is nice.
This did make me laugh, glad you are at least having some respite. :D
Glad I made you smile instead of driving you mad with constant questions!
I think if I do get through this I’m going to get booked in for some therapy or councilling or something. I realised that I have been living day to day for so long it is never healthy.
I haven’t booked a holiday or made plans to have friends over as I don’t know if I’m still going to be here or whether everything will have kicked off. I completely struggle to make any decisions about anything as this constant fear has controlled everything.
I swear if I do get through this I am going to change. A lot.
Well I have landed back down on worry land with a solid bump this morning :-(
Somehow I managed to think more positively last night and even had a couple of beers but this morning all of my HIV fears are right back in my head. Been googling symptoms and statistics and searching Facebook profiles to see if I could find any clues.
I cannot believe it will take a WEEK to get such an important test result back. I think that is a poor service and should be a lot quicker.
Today is going to be a long day.
Been googling symptoms and statistics and searching Facebook profiles to see if I could find any clues.
Read back what people have said about this Red. You won't find the answer this way.
Yep - I totally get that. Just been trying to find some reassuring information to help me through the day but it is a double edged sword. As an example;
UK gov report says that 750 white people in the UK get HIV per year. Of these 54% are men (about 400) and over half of these are diagnosed late (which I would be after 9 years). So that is about 200 people like me that will be diagnosed this year. On top of that, only about 8% of the diagnosis are made in the south west where I am from so that equates to 16 people (out of a population of 5.5 million albeit probably only 1 million were the right ages, demographics etc)
So overall that doesn’t sound to bad but it is as likely to me as one of the 16 as anyone else. Why shouldn’t it be? I suppose I deserve it more than most people too for what I did.
I suppose I deserve it more than most people too for what I did.
That right there ^^ is the root of the issue. IMO, playing armchair psychologist, this is just your way of punishing yourself. In fact, the one statement about getting diagnosed and having only a short time to live backs up my opinion. In some strange way, you would rather die than live with the guilt you're feeling. The HIV thing (and it could have been any number of serious illnesses) is just your convoluted way in which this guilt has manifested itself and how you're dealing with it. Again, IMO, while it's definitely an anxiety issue, I don't believe it's an HA issue. It's been 9 years... 9 years...I truly believe deep down you know you don't have it (science backs that up too). The other woman is happily living her life and here you are torturing yourself.
I'm afraid nothing we can say in this medium will truly help you. That's going to have to come from within you. I urge you to get real life professional help.
FMP
Thanks for your msg FMP.
I really hope I don’t have it but there is of course a small chance that I do and I will not know for sure until I get my results.
So saying it is all ok and you are right and it is all about guilt, what then? What do I do to get over this? Is dying the only way to rid myself of the guilt?
Hurting my wife and children by confessing is not an option and I will do whatever is required to make that not happen. But either way, confessing or dying is going to hurt them so it is a lose-lose situation.
there is of course a small chance that I do
No there isn't!! Did something else happened recently that exposed you? Otherwise, no. You need to find a way to resolve the guilt you feel. Again, this is not about a fear of HIV as much as its a manifestation of the guilt you feel.
Real life professional help is the answer to the other question in your post.
Good luck. I hope you find peace.
Peace... Out!
FMP
I think it is impossible to say I definitely don’t have it - I have read about people that have lived for 15 years without a single symptom. And no, nothing else has happened - I think I can safely say I learnt my lesson 9 years ago. How can you be so sure?
How do I go about getting professional help? Just find someone on the internet? Do you think that if I get the all clear it might all go away on it’s own?
I think it is impossible to say I definitely don’t have it
I agree on this also, it isn't 100 percent at this point, I think it hugely amazingly unlikely - but you are right there are rare cases. I don't think you will be one of them, but until those results I guess we can't know.
I think you can ask your GP for a referral to adult mental health services and request cbt Red. I know in many areas you are able to self-refer yourself for all sorts of mental health services, why not look up in your area what can be offered? I think a wee bit of counselling would do you the power of good.
Thanks Carys I will book in with the GP and ask for a referral.
I know the chances are small but my tongue redness seems to be back today although the lump under my tongue and subsided a bit. All of these things (dd’s tongue whiteness, wife CIN2, my tongue, the other symptoms I listed yesterday etc. I seem sure again now it is going to be bad news :-(
I agree on this also, it isn't 100 percent at this point
I do believe that it's 100% as the other woman, who is now married with children and happily living her life, would also have to be one of those one in a million++++ cases and the chance of that happening puts it in the impossible category.
The "Told ya so Gang" is pounding on the doors of this thread!
FMP
But that is the point - she could have found out before having children and started treatment but not told me.
Hence the reason I am so scared.
Well, Red is right, theoretically.....LOL.....but I don't think in reality he will be right. I can see why his doubts are feeding his anxiety, as he has created scenarios that are logically possible but also incredibly hugely unlikely.
Nobody can be 100% sure without the test, if they've had one episode of unprotected sex... and a doctor wouldn't say 100% either. They can be almost certain, like 99.9 percent and think its extraordinarily unlikely (given his health, the length of time, and assorted other variables e.g. like the fact this woman is married now with children), as this doctor is saying, but in theory its not impossible.
I know me saying that will probably set Red off on thinking 'are you erring on the side of caution'. NO I AM NOT. :roflmao:I'm just saying I can see why you are thinking some of these things.
So, not long now hopefully till this is all over....and you can move onto getting a referral for some counselling.
But that is the point - she could have found out before having children and started treatment but not told me.
Hence the reason I am so scared.
Seriously? You're saying that this woman, who you knew and apparently liked well enough to sleep with, is such a vile and morally corrupt person that she knowingly infected you, her husband and put innocent children at risk by engaging in intimate relations?!
This is about you and on you and you only! Sorry... this is triggering me :mad:
I'm out!
FMP
Thanks both.
Yes I have come up with every conceivable scenario that could indicate that I am likely to receive bad news soon. It is totally exhausting.
I am freaking out about every minor ailment or physical complaint of my entire family every minute of the day. I even started wondering today whether I could have been infected 15 years ago and it was never picked up on maternity tests or something.
How do I cope for the next few days?
---------- Post added at 16:42 ---------- Previous post was at 16:40 ----------
I am sorry FMP I didn’t mean to upset you.
I get what you are saying and I get what everyone is saying. The chances of it being anything other than negative are tiny. I just need to see it in black and white to know.
Sorry... this is triggering me :mad:
I'm out! Its a mental health problem FMP and there is nothing about what he is saying that isn't part of that mental health problem. People with this condition, unless you've had it yourself, can make up logic and paranoia in every set of circumstances even about people they like or trusted. It doesn't matter how much he liked her, or how moral she was or anything like that, its about the nagging HA doubt that exists in all circumstances.
He said it himself here....
Yes I have come up with every conceivable scenario that could indicate that I am likely to receive bad news soon.
He hasn't said he's not a guilty party, infact we know how guilty he feels.
And he didn't say this either....
is such a vile and morally corrupt person that she knowingly infected you, her husband and put innocent children at risk by engaging in intimate relations?!
He indicated that he even had thought about the scenario that she found out some time after their one night stand, and then was treated.
If this is making you feel personally triggered, then maybe yes you are right its best not to continue.
Hi all - my teenage son has come home from school with a painless white patch on his bottom lip. It looks a little like a blister but it doesn’t hurt at all and I can find nothing like it on google. There are also a fair few white dots along the rest of the lip but much smaller.
Any ideas?
...and can your teenaged son give you any indication of how it appeared ? :blush: (Is he likely to have been having a good snogging session?) If it doesn't hurt and he has 'no idea' then maybe he doesn't want you to know.
Ha he definitely hasn’t been snogging! He would be delighted to tell me if he had!
He said now that he felt it this morning when he woke up but didn’t mention it.
Any thoughts?
Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
Forgive me if I am wrong but I can see where this is going. You have excellent advice, its up to you whether to take it or not.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Elen
Chewed his lip in the night ? Burnt his mouth yesterday?
Hi Elen - I totally get your thinking but do think the topics are different although in the back of my mind I did think about a connection but it is not possible.
Could you unmerge?
Many thanks.
Doesn’t look like either of those things. Has a blister type appearance but no pain - which is good but weird.
MyNameIsTerry
16-05-18, 18:05
This response is about your latest thread.
Q. If you didn't have this fear of passing HIV on would you normally worry so much about a mark? Are you trying to make another link to your fear?
Because that's how the subconscious works with fears. So ask yourself what would you be thinking without the HIV fear.
Many HAers would still be bothered by a mark on their child and obviously it's hard for you to see outside of your own anxiety so write it down without a name and then put a different name at the top. What would you tell that persons parent?
You must know everyone gets all sorts of marks, illnesses and bumps throughout life?
You’re right on all accounts terry - it is just my frame of mind atm.
I just had another look at his lip and it seems to be peeling skin as opposed to a blister. Seems very strange to me
MyNameIsTerry
16-05-18, 18:28
If he may be open to telling the world about a snog I'll take a guess he's a teenager. So lots of hormonal changes that mean spots, sweating, other oddities, etc.
I've had white patches in my mouth that peel away when rubbed as they were soft. I've usually had them more in times of stress.
So rather than your big fear there could be many possible things we just get from e.g. changes in diet, less healthy diets, use of steroids (asthma inhalers being a known culprit for mouth issues, thrush, etc), antibiotic use, too much sugar, stress (exam, peer, hormonal, etc).
You may see many things like this as your kids mature and if you think back you might remember ones you had? Therefore each time try to approach them in a more rational manner. Your subconscious won't do that, until you've made progress in your recovery where it will change, as you know it's just blurting out all the negatives at you but you can choose to do so with your conscious mind.
That's not easy when you are so anxious. It can help to have some rational questions written out which act as your guide. Then you reframe a conclusion. Like how we use Thought Records in therapy, which include evidence for the fear and counter evidence. Such methods are always harder at first and may mean some help from others, such as counter evidencing, and having a pre populated one can help steer your mind.
It's obvious that you are able to consider things are not what your fear is telling you. If not your replies on here wouldn't include concessions to what others have said to you. Those even more obsessed just can't get as far as admitting it and more quickly drift back into talking about symptoms. So some methods to try to keep your mind steering to the positive/neutral might be something you can take to.
Thanks again Terry - you obviously have a lot of knowledge and experience in this area.
I am not sure if you have read the entire thread (which is long!) but this week has been particularly bad for me. Along with upsetting people on here my constant quizzing and panic regarding any minor symptoms of my family is also causing upset.
I still potentially have 4 days left until I get my results and not sure the best way of coping. I am trying to avoid Dr Google but every illness sets of a chain of event that always end up looking at pics of symptoms. Any ideas what might help?
Also, whilst you might not be a medical expert do you have a view of what my likelihood of a negative test is and whether this is all just a manifestation of guilt as others have suggested?
Thank you for your time.
Hi there red, I suffer with health anxiety and have done since I was 13 so that's 32 years, I went through the hiv fear from the age of16 until I was26(I thought I would be extremely ill after 10 years) back then there was no google I use to go to the local library and read medical encyclopaedias and new everything there was about hiv, drove myself bonkers thinking I had different symptoms, worrying I had past it on to my partner now my husband, then worrying that I had infected my 2 girls, I never had a test because back then there was a massive stigma attached to it, so I just carried on worrying all those years, I only ever slept with 1 other man before my husband and it was protected, but I was still convinced somehow I had it, virtually impossible really, and the same goes for you, you need to get tested just for your piece of mind, I really think guilt is fuelling your anxiety, you need to let go of what you did, I think you have put yourself through enough in the last 9 years, what you did was wrong but you can't change it, but you can change your future for your wife yourself and your children, please please stop beating yourself up over this get tested and move on with your life, you clearly love your family very much and would never do anything like that again, I really hope once you get your(negative) result you will get some peace, and please try to get some therapy, I will help with you anxiety.
Take care, big hugs Herbie xxxx
Thanks Herbie and hi.
I have done a test on Monday and am now waiting for the results which could take up to a week. All the people on here have been great and offered reassurances but nothing is sinking in and I am really struggling today.
It sounds like the chance of a bad result is minimal but still there and very likely in my mind. Nobody in my family in the last 9 years has had an serious illness or major infections but as you suggested the incubation period is about 10 years and over the last few weeks everyone seems to have something wrong with them.
It is totally stressing me out :-(
Catching up on the last few pages of this thread. Red mate listen your HA is spiralling out of control you pick bits of info off the internet, your son has a spot inside his mouth you google etc and it's making sense that you must have HIV I get that, But Ha can cleverly suck you in and totally convince you have it so tips to help you are stop all this internet searching now it's doing you no favours. 2. Get the ball rolling on your treatment for your HA it's consuming you from the inside and tearing you apart do it for you Take care ATB
I know bbuk i am trying. Just cannot stop thinking about.
I have literally spent years and years worrying about this and it feels like today is the climax of all of the fear.
It is driving me TOTALLY EFFING INSANE
You would be very unwell by know, back in the 80s and 90s before there were drugs to control hiv, most people would have full blown AIDS or very advanced hiv with serious infections and cancers, most people were dead within 10 years, so I honestly believe you or any member of your family would be extremely ill, your results will come back fine, don't google things, that's the mistake I make, I had myself dead and buried 2 weeks ago because of Google,it really is evil, I really hope once you know you are fine you can start forgiving yourself because I really think this is the root of your problem, you made 1 mistake, do you think the woman you slept with is going through the same turmoil as you, noprobably not, she probablyhasnever given it a second thought, you clearly are a very caring man who would never intentionally put his family through this.
Please try not to worry, easier said than done, you will be fine xxxx
Would I / we really be ill after 9 years? More ill than just a bad cough or a few skin complaints?
On a more positive note I have seen pics of chapped lips that resemble what my son has. I thoughts chapped or peeling lips would look very dry but it appears not in all cases.
Thanks Herbie x
Seriously I really think 1 of you would be extremely ill or dead(sorry a bit harsh but true), without medication hiv advances to AIDS quicker, so I'm pretty sure one of you would be ill, normal coughs, cold, dry skin, ear infections etc are all normal illnesses that everybody gets, with ha any minor symptom becomes a terminal illness, I know I have had nearly every illness under the sun, ha distorts everything, it's a terrible illness in itself that needs treatment, unfortunately unless you suffer with it no one understands how devastating it Can be, fortunately there are sites like this where many people suffer the same and can give good advice, red please try and stop worrying, I really believe that you are fine, I would lay money on it, I can't wait for you to get you negative results back so you can sleep easier at night, I'm giving you a big hug:hugs:xxx
MyNameIsTerry
17-05-18, 02:54
Thanks again Terry - you obviously have a lot of knowledge and experience in this area.
I am not sure if you have read the entire thread (which is long!) but this week has been particularly bad for me. Along with upsetting people on here my constant quizzing and panic regarding any minor symptoms of my family is also causing upset.
I still potentially have 4 days left until I get my results and not sure the best way of coping. I am trying to avoid Dr Google but every illness sets of a chain of event that always end up looking at pics of symptoms. Any ideas what might help?
Also, whilst you might not be a medical expert do you have a view of what my likelihood of a negative test is and whether this is all just a manifestation of guilt as others have suggested?
Thank you for your time.
Thanks for your kind words, Red.
Avoiding Google is good, based on your spiral on here you're not at that point where you can search through medical information without being skewed to the worst rather than the more common rest that is nothing to worry about. To be honest, with 9 years of what sounds like hiding all this that's hardly surprising. And looking at pics isn't easy because the mind seems to perceive things that the rest of us can't see, something we've seen on many a thread where someone has posted pics of skin marks or perceived abnormalities of some kind.
I'm not sure I agree on the guilt being the real reason behind this but I do believe it's a major part of resolving this current issue with your mental health. What I am wondering about is why this leap to HIV was made in the first place when more than likely it would be just the guilt about the infidelity itself. I am wondering about your mental health prior to this because if you've a history of something like HA then it's that that really needs the work of a therapist and the guilt is an element of a current worry that is naturally involved due to the event.
So talking to your partner about the infidelity alone might not resolve the rest and it needs some professional insight into long term recovery. That's not to say this is something to conceal but it may not be the cure as how many people who have affairs would jump to 9 years of HIV worry like this?
Based on what has been discussed I agree with everyone else about the likely risks. The odds are very heavily stacked in your favour of being clear. Like Carys said doctors are very careful about giving guarantees because without testing they are working based on what you are telling them which from a legal point of view creates a possibility for error (not that I believe there is though) and doctors have learned to be careful due to their licences.
However, you have even seen a specialist in sexual health so the odds are even more in your favour. I seriously doubt someone with that level of training and experience would miss something. Doctors do make mistakes but it's very uncommon when it comes to very serious illness, it's more common with less serious illness and it's likely because there are so many symptom cross overs that they are often working through a list of possibilities. Mental health is an excellent example of this, many of it's symptoms overlap into real physical deficiencies hence why doctors often do some basic blood testing to ensure there isn't another root cause.
As far as the waiting goes, I think everyone on here with HA will definitely understand that hell! Not being a HAer this just never bothers me but if I had an event coming up, maybe a meeting with my employer when off sick or a family get together, I would be in the same boat dreading that day coming. What I tend to find is the further off is sometimes the worst as you feel powerless as there is nothing to address but as the day looms closer you often find your mind starts to fight back a bit because there is now something about to happen as opposed to sitting about worrying. So, you may find it gets easier the closer it gets?
Distraction is useful. Things that prevent you sitting about on the internet in the unreal world. Get up and so things. Be around others. Get fresh air, get some exercise. Exercise will help with the adrenaline for a start but also encourage some better sleeping due to the impact on other chemicals in your body. Do things that take your focus, activities, even cleaning if it helps. The more you engage with activities you can find your mind naturally wanders away from the subject of your anxiety.
You will likely wake up, have a few seconds of something better and then on comes the anxiety. Sadly, we need to learn to accept these harder times until we find the better ones. It's better to learn to accept than the alternative which is kicking yourself and encouraging your mind to wander back down the spiral.
Do some relaxation techniques. They make not mean much to you mentally but the more your body feels something other than anxiety the more it can adjust.
Thanks Terry - that is all really helpful and clear. It all makes total sense and I will experiment with some of the techniques you shared.
With regards to why I have jumped to HIV I believe it relates to an incident 20 or so years ago where a friend said I had thrush when they saw my tongue. I found out that thrush could be a sign of HIV and since that point it has always been in my mind. I went to the Dr several times back then to check symptoms but always was told it is nothing. I suppose then the HIV fear just stuck with me and I spent too much time researching and worrying.
After this one night stand I began to convince myself that I have it again and it has got worse year on year.
Recently, after a stressful house move, some major changes at work and a generally hectic period the anxiety peaked and has remained that way ever since. I honestly don’t know how I am continuing to operate - I feel awful
I’ve read bits of this thread, and can see you’re in a terrible state.
It’s awful how anxiety sufferers can focus on a negative comment and not be able to pull themselves out of it. Me included, but I really do think that you need to start helping yourself here too.
Whatever the outcome is - and I’m sure you’ll be fine. You need to start doing something to help your mental health.
Use all your internet time for good by searching for relaxation techniques, and ways to stop your anxious thoughts. Sign up for free talking therapy within your local borough (usually run by mind).
Anything to try and stop this spiralling. Because when you get your results, you will probably be absolutely fine until the next thing that turns your life inside out for a few weeks. This is a great space to talk about your worries, but it should also be used as a great place to find resources to stop these anxiety spirals.
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I called the hospital this morning as I thought the results might be in but they weren’t so I drove 100 miles, paid £160 and had a 20 minute test - which actually took 22 mins.
The result was NEGATIVE as you all knew it would be.
I feel so relieved but it hasn’t properly sunk in yet.
I will write a proper message later but wanted to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everyone that has supported me over the recent weeks. You have all been amazing.
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Yep, we did all know. :roflmao:I'm glad you actually did the quick test, I thought that was the best thing to do as you were plummeting on this so fast and hard. Don't now sit there and start doubting, as that is a common thing to do in these circumstances.
Well........now........the HA support you will need so nothing like this can hit you so badly again ? Of course we are happy to carry on talking on this thread too....
I called the hospital this morning as I thought the results might be in but they weren’t so I drove 100 miles, paid £160 and had a 20 minute test - which actually took 22 mins.
The result was NEGATIVE as you all knew it would be.
I feel so relieved but it hasn’t properly sunk in yet.
I will write a proper message later but wanted to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everyone that has supported me over the recent weeks. You have all been amazing. Well the Told ya so gang did tell you, you would be fine so now you can get your HA treated now close this case down and move on easier said than done? Well yes now you have been given the all clear:yesyes: ATVB
We do like a good 'told ya so' scenario.....its our reward at the end of the 'journey', so humour us. :winks:
We do like a good 'told ya so' scenario.....its our reward at the end of the 'journey', so humour us. :winks: We do Carys it's the best gang to be in we need more joining us :yesyes: ATB
I am also glad the ‘told you so’ gang are having a party!
Going for the test was such a weird experience. When I found out they had a slot at 13:20 and I would find out if I was positive or negative today the adrenaline must have kicked in and I didn’t feel scare or sad or upset.
It took me a while to find the place so only had minimal waiting time and wallop! I was in and being pricked! The doctor almost told me I must be mad to be so worried but I needed to know. So I went back to the waiting room and exactly 22 mins later she called me in and gave me the AMAZING news!
I feel a bit odd now. I thought I would be dancing on the ceiling with joy - after all this is potentially the end of 20 years of worry - but instead I feel quite sombre.
Good advice about not sitting and doubting. The Dr also said this and also made me promise that I would go and get help as it obviously isn’t healthy to get into this sort of a state about things. I did already think briefly about the other tests that I haven’t had the results from earlier in the week but none of them are life threatening.
But enough of that - you guys are all awesome. I never would have got through this week without you - I really hope that I can share my experiences with people in the future and give something back.
I am also glad the ‘told you so’ gang are having a party!
Going for the test was such a weird experience. When I found out they had a slot at 13:20 and I would find out if I was positive or negative today the adrenaline must have kicked in and I didn’t feel scare or sad or upset.
It took me a while to find the place so only had minimal waiting time and wallop! I was in and being pricked! The doctor almost told me I must be mad to be so worried but I needed to know. So I went back to the waiting room and exactly 22 mins later she called me in and gave me the AMAZING news!
I feel a bit odd now. I thought I would be dancing on the ceiling with joy - after all this is potentially the end of 20 years of worry - but instead I feel quite sombre.
Good advice about not sitting and doubting. The Dr also said this and also made me promise that I would go and get help as it obviously isn’t healthy to get into this sort of a state about things. I did already think briefly about the other tests that I haven’t had the results from earlier in the week but none of them are life threatening.
But enough of that - you guys are all awesome. I never would have got through this week without you - I really hope that I can share my experiences with people in the future and give something back. Well give it time and you will be overjoyed for sure ;) ;) So go and get help for you HA as you don't want any other health scares from now on especially as this one has gone on way to long. As for the other test results you know whats coming you will be totally fine on these too and the told ya so gang will be ready to party again come and join us:yesyes: Hey we are awesome and thx we were glad to help you:shades: ATB
Actually, I am overjoyed and delighted - just mellow with it!
:D
Actually, I am overjoyed and delighted - just mellow with it!
:D Excellent being mellow is fine too :):D ATB
Its been a long time coming; all the waiting, the self-recrimination, the fear, the focusing on an event so long ago, the guilt, the misery.....the anxiety.....this will probably be a period now of re-adjustment. An anti-climax kind of 'oh its over, right, now what ?' emotion is common after such a lot of pain, soul-searching and certainty that you will be 'punished'. I said it earlier - you've punished yourself for long enough over this terrible mistake. The jail term has been a tough one, but you are now released. Love your family, look after them, cherish your wife, never go down this route again - and carry on with life.
Brilliant news.
Time to move forward and perhaps some therapy to help you to deal with things.
Elen
That’s a great respond Carys and also great advice.
Without being too weird, when I got into the car straight after the test the song ‘Wind of Change’ came on as i started the ignition.
Hopefully this result will allow me to change and become a better man
---------- Post added at 15:59 ---------- Previous post was at 15:58 ----------
Brilliant news.
Time to move forward and perhaps some therapy to help you to deal with things.
Elen
Thank you Elen - appreciate it
Without being too weird, when I got into the car straight after the test the song ‘Wind of Change’ came on as i started the ignition.
Well, thats a co-incidence , not prophetic :winks:.....you know my thoughts on that one nowadays (we've PM'd about it). HOWEVER, what it does show is that you can psychologically read into things around you as you choose to do so, events, little things that happen, things people say, articles you read and so on. IF you had heard that song driving to the appointment you would have thought it was bad news coming, but afterwards the song becomes a sign of good news.
There is something to learn from this - your mind can look for what it wants to look for and see what you tell it to see- signs of impending doom or signs of positivity. I hope this makes sense what I'm trying to get across ?
From the "Told ya so Gang"
https://media.giphy.com/media/vSI0qfonc4Alq/giphy.gif
FMP
Thanks FMP - delighted that you responded and thank you for your words over the last week. I know how frustrating it all was. You’ve been great
Excellent news!
Might be a good idea to really focus on this feeling. Remember how low and negative you got? Now look how it ended? Anxiety is mean, horrible thing. But you can help yourself, it’s a scary thought, but you can. Wishing you all the best.
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Thanks Scass - I will follow your advice. I would give anything to avoid this feeling again.
What can be done to educate people about health anxiety before it is too late and they cannot help themselves?
MyNameIsTerry
18-05-18, 02:50
Thanks Terry - that is all really helpful and clear. It all makes total sense and I will experiment with some of the techniques you shared.
With regards to why I have jumped to HIV I believe it relates to an incident 20 or so years ago where a friend said I had thrush when they saw my tongue. I found out that thrush could be a sign of HIV and since that point it has always been in my mind. I went to the Dr several times back then to check symptoms but always was told it is nothing. I suppose then the HIV fear just stuck with me and I spent too much time researching and worrying.
After this one night stand I began to convince myself that I have it again and it has got worse year on year.
Recently, after a stressful house move, some major changes at work and a generally hectic period the anxiety peaked and has remained that way ever since. I honestly don’t know how I am continuing to operate - I feel awful
Between these two events would you say you have had anxiety?
A stressful period certainly sets the scene for anxiety to strike. I didn't notice my breakdown approaching, although I hadn't had anxiety prior to this point. And adding stress on top of someone who struggles with obsessiveness is like a big caffeine hit as you start to feel the intensity of your feelings & thoughts.
I'm glad to hear you've had the all clear and you won't be surprised to hear I wasn't doubting it coming back that way just like everyone else. But please look at your experience here because there are surely things that you can address to improve your mental health so that you don't fall into another spiral for some reason later in life.
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