PDA

View Full Version : Concerned about my boyfriends attitude to children?



Seraphexa
01-05-18, 20:38
Hello everyone,

So, I'm currently waiting a few weeks until I can take a pregnancy test, as I have just started the mini pill and may be pregnant, and all of this has just unveiled to me some concerning sides to my boyfriend's personality.

He's said some strange things in the past, about how he wouldn't like children, I just thought he was being a usual man, I know a lot of men are like this, but recently, since our possible "accident", the things he has been saying are absolutely vile - he says he will leave me if I don't get an abortion, that children are "disgusting" and having a baby is embarrassing; he is 24 for gods sake, its not like we're teenagers! We haven't moved out of our parents house yet but he has 10's of thousands of pounds to buy one with, or perhaps rent if we need to, yet still he is being absolutely horrible to me.

I tell him "sometimes life throws you things, and you have to deal with them" and he replies with "yeah, lets get rid of it, just because we can" I would absolutely not have an abortion, I want nothing more in this world than a baby of my own, and if we're just going to have one in a few years, what's the point in waiting? He also says its "dangerous" and "I can't be a mum as I'm too messed up" (he means my mental illness)

Is it possible he will change his tone if we ever do have a baby?

Carys
01-05-18, 21:22
I can potentially see two sides to this....

Side 1 -Goodness me - I don't know him, but from what you are saying I think you have no chance he will change. He has some very strong and strange attitudes, not just about children in general, but about your happiness and wellbeing. You could be carrying his child, and if I was you I'd be shocked to the core at his lack of support and his very concerning attitudes. I would not even consider that he is 'settling down with material' - can you see a future with a man who is saying things like this and wants an entirely different future to you?

Having a baby and raising a child is tough, if you do it right, and it puts pressure on even the strongest of partnerships. I think that even if he had some sort of leopard-like change of heart that it would last all of a few days before he was pressuring you feeling jealous of the baby, and theres a pretty good chance he would walk out. He is making you choose between him and carrying his baby (ok, so you might not be pregnant but you also might be!), what a complete $*!") He sounds controlling, unsupportive, critical and as if he is trying to damage you emotionally. This isn't nice to read at all. :(

I think you need to go with your gut feeling about this situation - even if you aren't pregnant, how can you feel right about being with him after all he has said ?

Side 2-

However, now I'm going to say a few more things, trying to look at a possible other side to this - do you think there is any possibility that your boyfriend is actually scared and worried about the situation? You have posted here about your physical illnesses on other threads and have said you feel desperately low and can't get out of bed/work etc. You say you are attending many medical appointments each week, and have listed many ongoing health concerns and problems that are being investigated. Could you sit down with him properly and find out if there is anything else driving the way he is behaving. In these sentences I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and say are you sure he is being deliberately vile because he hates babies and children or is it because he thinks this is a desperately bad situation right now and is trying to get out of it.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=1784113#post1784113


It could be that you are certain it is Side 1, but I think you two need to sit down and talk properly so that you can decide if he is behaving this way for what he thinks are valid reason, or is he just a "*()2.

BikerMatt
01-05-18, 21:40
Great reply by Carys:D

If it's side one then it's :byebye: time for him!

WiseMonkey
01-05-18, 21:47
Goodness me - I don't know him, but from what you are saying I think you have no chance he will change. He has some very strong and strange attitudes, not just about children in general, but about your happiness and wellbeing. You could be carrying his child, and if I was you I'd be shocked to the core at his lack of support and his very concerning attitudes. I would not even consider that he is 'settling down with material' - can you see a future with a man who is saying things like this and wants an entirely different future to you?

Having a baby and raising a child is tough, if you do it right, and it puts pressure on even the strongest of partnerships. I think that even if he had some sort of leopard-like change of heart that it would last all of a few days before he was pressuring you feeling jealous of the baby, and theres a pretty good chance he would walk out. He is making you choose between him and carrying his baby (ok, so you might not be pregnant but you also might be!), what a complete $*!") He sounds controlling, unsupportive, critical and as if he is trying to damage you emotionally. This isn't nice to read at all. :(

I think you need to go with your gut feeling about this situation - even if you aren't pregnant, how can you feel right about being with him after all he has said ?

Carys is right, this is not the sort of person you need in your life.
You need to listen carefully as your Boyfriend is actually warning you in advance how he feels about you and a possible child so why do you think he will change?

For starters, his attitude is that of a boy not a man (and this has nothing to do with age)! He's telling you that he won't take responsibility, that he's totally selfish and only concerned with the look of things and how it will affect HIS life. He has no respect for your wishes at all.

If you are pregnant, bringing up a child with a 'boy' like this would spell disaster for you all and as Carys said, he'd just up and leave anyway.
If you aren't pregnant, you need to finish with him as there won't be any future in it for you.

You sound like a kind and caring young woman. You deserve to be with a man of value who respects, loves and supports you. This is what a true partnership is all about. You are only young and there are lots of lovely men out there so don't sell yourself short.

Good luck with your decisions x

Carys
01-05-18, 22:11
Can I add a further thought on this - I've read your previous posts. From what you've said you are only 20 years old and have never worked. You have lots of health issues (and some mental health problems) that mean you spend a lot of time feeling ill and in the home/bed. I'm not being critical here, just stating what you have said yourself. You have one big ambition that you focus on, having children - however - your boyfriend has always said he doesn't want children since you've known him. (You did state on one post that you thought you were infertile from one condition you have - I'm wondering if your boyfriend also believed that and saw that as a 'positive' as he didn't like/want children?)

Soooooooo if you aren't pregnant....I would honestly suggest spending some time finding a way to enrich your life and broaden your horizons. Your sole life aim shouldn't be to have children at 20 years old; education, training, other interests and fulfilling life experiences are important - Even if its very part time work, or some voluntary work or some work you can do from home. Find a way to strengthen your own position that makes you not reliant on another person (your boyfriend) to entirely support you emotionally and financially. Raising a child is tough, as I said earlier, and you want to try and be in the best place possible to do it. I would be very careful about potential 'accidents' that lead to conception until you are sure you are with the right person!

If you are pregnant.....I'm sure you will gain loads of support from your Mum (who already supports you - have you told her about this situation?), even if the man currently in your life isn't wanting to take part in the raising of a child. I think you sound from your words as if you would be a caring, loving parent, and I'm sure you would try your upmost to give a child a good start in life.

The bottom line is though - pregnant or not pregnant (as wise monkey said above) this isn't the partnership for you if he genuinely doens't want a family.

Good luck with this one Seraphexa and do keep us updated if it would help - it would be interesting to hear how things play out and what decisions you come to.

Seraphexa
01-05-18, 23:20
Thankyou so much guys for the wonderful replies and the time you took to talk to me, I appreciate it very much :)

Just going to give a little background on this "accident" and what I mean, I had my first mini pill at 6pm a few nights ago, I had unprotected sex that night, I may or may not have been ovulating, I did warn my boyfriend to pull out just in case but he didn't, and also he doesn't let me read leaflets for medication as I have a tendency to metaphorically poo myself over the side effects, so we were unaware how long it takes for it to kick in - I assumed it had morning after pill powers and just stopped everything immediately but apparently not.

I have been warned by my doctor that my endometriosis could lead to infertility, but this is not always the case, however this furthers my decision to keep a baby if I was ever lucky enough to conceive one. My mother in law explained that her endometriosis was cured during her C-section and that sounds very promising to me. This whole thing is completely unplanned, but the more I think of it, the happier the future looks for me, and somehow not so happy for my boyfriend.

I literally just today got turned down for yet another job (my mum is "gutted" apparently, great vibes there mum) and have been trying for a job for over a year now, it feels like an endless task, and I feel as though I'm just not meant to have one, with every failure I lose more hope and confidence, I've also been learning to drive for almost 3 years now and haven't even got to my test yet, I really am failing at life right now.

Really, all I want right now is for my boyfriend to come over to me, give me a hug, tell me everything will be alright, and just say something along the lines of "what ever happens, I'll be there for you" when all I'm getting is "Me me me me me, don't ruin my life even though my penis kind of did this, me me me me me meeeeee" and that's my boyfriend in a nutshell.

He's very moody, stubborn, selfish, but I have been with him for 4 years now and have seen him every day since I met him, I miss him when he's not around usually and can't imagine going on without him, I'm not sure why I love him so much, but I do, I guess its because he's stuck around all this time and I hate the thought of wasting all of my years on a relationship that never got anywhere :(

lior
02-05-18, 00:02
Time in a relationship is not 'wasted'. You are learning about how to have a relationship, and that's enough. Even just being happy in the moment with that person is enough.

At 20, many people haven't had a serious relationship yet. You've got time to be with other people.

When it comes to having babies, there are many ways to have them. If it turned out you were pregnant this time (which you probably aren't) then you can get pregnant again.

Having a baby is a great ambition, but to raise a child well, you give them the best chance of a good life if you can get yourself into the best situation possible before you get pregnant. That means being as healthy as you can be, and providing the best home environment you can. For many people, that means having a partner to be another supportive parent to the child. It can be hard for single parents to raise kids alone, especially if they have health issues.

Some people aren't meant to have children because they make such bad parents. If they don't want children, they probably aren't going to make a great parent. Would it really be a happy future for you to have a baby with someone who doesn't want it? You'd most likely break up and then be a single parent. That's not to say it's not possible to be happy in that situation, but I've heard it's much harder.

I know people that were deeply in love for many years but eventually split up because one wanted kids and the other didn't. That situation is terribly difficult.

I understand your frustration that your bf didn't react in a supportive way. If I were you, I would consider that he 'failed the test'. For me, that would signal that the relationship needs to end.

If you aren't willing to end the relationship, knowing that he would not be happy to be a parent but you can't wait to be a mum, then please question why you stay in a situation that makes you unhappy. Do you think that this level of daily suffering is acceptable? That you deserve a partner who is unsupportive?

Because you DO deserve good things. You will find a job you want and are good at. You will find a bf who wants the same kind of future as you - if you put yourself into situations where that can happen.

Carys
02-05-18, 09:38
Great post Lior!

MissB88
02-05-18, 10:45
Seems as though you need to focus more on yourself & let him realise you don't "need" him, cause that's what controlling self centred men think.

I understand the longing for a baby (I am too) but get yourself to a better place first before all that, you're only young & a baby is hard work.. even harder if you haven't got a partner to support you.

You deserve more 🙂

Seraphexa
18-05-18, 10:01
Hi guys, just thought I'd say thankyou for all of your support, I've found out today that I've miscarried the baby very early, I guess I feel quite relieved in a way, even though it's a little bit sad, I'm going to take on board the advice from you guys and stick religiously to my mini pill, and try and plan my future like you said, as you can imagine my boyfriend is quite pleased but perhaps in a few years he will be more "paternal", who knows this might even change his way of thinking a bit, now he knows how easy it is to get me pregnant haha, anyway thanks guys, you've helped me to realise that motherhood is probably not the right thing for me at the moment (I can barely even house a baby for a month of pregnancy apparently), my next goal will be to get a job and maybe save for a house :)