Trying something new

[zanoni1972]

Hi my name is Julia and I am currently being treated for depression. I have been on 40mgs of citalopram for about 2 years now ever since I gave up work to care for my 14yr old daughter full time. My daughter has Apergers syndrome. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and tthe depression, anxiety and everything else that comes aalong with both of these conditions. I have been coping ook up until about 2 weeks ago. I started getting teary again, having very negative emotions and generally feeling like I was headed backwards. I just wonder if my depression has gotten worse because of the increasing amount of emotional suffering both I and my daughter are experiencing or if maybe I just need to change meds. I believe 40mgs is the highest dose for citalopram. To understand where my life is at right now you need to know that my daughter does not leave the house apart from on the very rare occasion where she can be persuaded to attend appointments. This means that I do not leave the house either as my daughter is at risk without me. I love my daughter more than words can say but she is the only person I see from 1 week to the next. We occasionally have visits from Autism workers and Her teachers come 3 times a week but other than that i am the only person she sees. I saw this site and after a particularly hard evening I thought that maybe talking on here would help me voice how I'm feeling and perhaps if there are other people in a similar situation to me we could chat about how these things are affecting us. I'd be very happy to hear from anyone at this point. Sorry it's such a lot to lay out in an introduction but I feel like I really need to get this started and give it a chance

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya zanoni1972 and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[lior]

Hey Julia, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you're in.

I see you're in the UK, like me. I'm not a carer and I don't know much about it, but I do know that there are carer respite schemes - I was under the impression they were government run and that everyone had them, but it sounds like you don't have this. Do you know what I'm talking about? I wouldn't know how to find out more about them beyond googling 'carer respite'.

You need a break, lady! You deserve to have fun, to see your friends, to go out to places you love. If you can take some time for yourself, you'll end up being able to take better care of your daughter when you come home again.

You are a grown woman and you deserve to spend time with people your own age. Are there any carers meet up groups near you?

Can you go to the dr about the citalopram? I think a 60mg dose is possible but it's rare. It has, however, only been 2 weeks that you've felt worse - it may get better if you change something circumstantially. It could be useful to see the dr about how you're doing, just to let them know.

Things sound really tough for you. I imagine that it always feels like it's all about your daughter - and that her needs come first, because they are such strong needs. However, you have needs too. And you deserve happiness.

[zanoni1972]

Thank you for your reply lior. It would be lovely to be able to access these kinds of support but unfortunately due to the fact that my daughter only qualifies for low level mobility DLA and low level personal care DLA I do not qualify to officially be her carer and that in turn means no access to respite. The other problem with respite is thst my daughter has very serious trust issues about the people that come to the house and csn have very severe reactions to change due to abuse suffered in the past by an ex partner. While I would love some time to myself. I think I would struggle with what I was putting her through if I were to pursue this option. I have looked up local groups where kids eith similar conditions meet along with their parents and tried to encourage some enthusiasm in my daughter for attending one. But she currently has no tolerance of spaces she's unfamiliar with and so this option is on the nack burner for the moment. Thank you for the information about the citalopram. I guess I'll ride out the feelings for another few weeks and see if things improve maybe I just need a chance to level out again. I will give that a chance.

[vicky23]

Hi Zanoni,
welcome to the forum, I really hope you find some encouragement and support
best wishes
XX

[lior]

Hi Julia, I want to share something with you. It's not the same at all, but there's a parallel.

My mother was severely physically and emotionally abused as a child. From the age of 12, she would tell me about her abuse periodically. It was horrific to hear about. I had a lot of empathy for her, and emotionally supported her a lot - much more than she emotionally supported me.

How she treated me was abusive - it's not right to treat one's teenage daughter as a therapist. However, I couldn't let myself be aware of that as a teenager. Her pain was so HUGE. What she'd been through was so awful, and nothing I could go through could compare to that. I learnt that my pain was nothing - irrelevant. Because of that, I didn't acknowledge my pain at all, and so I did nothing to prevent myself from having harm/suffering come to me. I couldn't connect with my pain - I was totally shut off from it. It's taken years to feel it, and unpick it.

I imploded when I was 24, and left my family. I felt a huge amount of guilt for abandoning her - and for putting my needs first. I'm not suggesting you do this with your daughter! But I do understand the guilt in putting one's needs first.

The key for me was to fully acknowledge my pain, and to learn how to stop myself from coming to harm. It's a bloody long, difficult process, with a lot of tears, and tension, anxiety, illness, etc etc. But it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I'm learning how to be kind to myself. The more I can be compassionate to myself, the more I can be compassionate to others.

I was certainly compassionate to my mother, but there was a hard limit because I wasn't able to be fully compassionate to myself. That's now changing.

What I'm trying to show you is that when someone I was close to felt a huge amount of pain, my pain seemed to become irrelevant. But that's not healthy. The way out for me was to properly look after myself.

Your situation sounds like it feels impossible. But, with the right support, and determination to make things better, I believe you can find a way. Just because DLA have made stupid decisions based on a stupid system, it doesn't mean you can't get help. Can you talk to your GP about your situation? Are there any autism charities that could help? What about help for people that have been abused?

Please don't 'ride out' the pain without doing anything to change things - please, make actions to look after yourself.

[zanoni1972]

Thanks again for replying Lior. You're so right. I put everything that happens with me in to an 'I'll deal with that when my daughter's better file" but I do know in my heart and my head that's not a sensible way to live. But having been abused myself in my late teens I know the damage that has been done to my daughter and how much more it has affected her because of her Aspergers and so I continue to try to put off my feelings until later. If my daughter felt comfortable with even just one other person being at the house with her insyead of me I could attend therapy sessions and I have been thinking that if she gets some therapy which has been planned that she may be able to cope with me leaving for a short while to attend therapy. But I guess the reason that I find myself on here now is that her medication has recently changed and has led to some quite sudden mood swings and verbally aggressive behaviout followed closely by instant guilt and then suicide ideation and wanting to self harm. These are all things that her psychiatrist is aware of. I have to ride through these waves with her and it is exhausting to say the least. I just cannot leave her unattended at any time until her meds are properly established. We are already supported by the Autism Spectrum team, but this is just a once a month meeting to try to establish some tberapy for my daughter to do things away from the house. I am just glad to be able to have talked to someone who understands the situation I find myself in. I want to stay strong for my daughter but there are just times when I feel like there is no end to her pain in sight. I worry constantly about what her future will be like. I guess it's just good to know I can talk about this stuff on here without it affecting her ��

[lior]

You can't put yourself second forever - she is going to have difficulties her whole life, though with any luck she will learn to manage it. YOU need to learn to manage your feelings about her.

Check out this CBT info:
https://psychologytools.com/unhelpful-thinking-styles.html

You might have come across it in the past. It might help with worrying about her future - learning how to get that worrying under your control.

You're doing well by the sounds of it in how you support her, but please remember that part of doing right by her is doing right by yourself.

I'm so sorry for the struggle you're both going through. You sound too alone with it, even though you have some support - it's not enough. It's really good that you're on here. Maybe you can find more sources of support additionally if you need it.