View Full Version : Feel I Am On The Edge
Been along time since i have questioned my irrational thoughts but this last week they are in my head and i cant give a reason for them.
Gone back to how i was months ago, cant cope with life, scared of losing control and think my thoughts may come true.
I am trying to put them into perspective but it has been so long since i had these thoughts that it is scaring me again.
I wonder if i have gone back to the start and hate myself for thinking such things.
It is nearly Christmas and i should be so happy as have time of with Sam and all i feel is anticipation and i am scared.
Keep asking what have i done to think such evil thoughts and then question what if i do lose it.
I hate how i feel and havent felt this for so long that it has hit me so hard.
All i can see in myself is a bad person feeling like i do and scared im on the road to where i cant return.
Dont want to be with people but also dont want to be alone, cant fathom it all out.
Why now when i was doing so well. I know i have had blips but not like this, square one rings a bell and i cant face this again and i really cant let Sam down again, i have done it too many times.
Feel desperate for answers and support her, sorry.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
it could be that now is a stressful time anyway so maybe you have a lot going on for you, just try think of how it was when you felt good and dont concentrate too much on how it was to feel bad im sure lots on here can help you just remember you dont have to face it all alone we are all with you when you feel the need to talk about it sharing usually helps to get the perspective back
fan x
Thanks for your reply.
I am trying to remeber the good times and thanks for reminding me i need to to do that however hard it is.
Just hate myself for letting it get to me how it did years ago. Knew i hadnt beaten it but never thought it would put me how i felt years ago.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. This isn't going back to square one after all the progress you've made. You have come to far now to be right back at the start again.
I know the irrational thoughts are horrible and scary. We all have them, just about different things. You know that they are just thoughts and you will not act on any of them.
You have been under a lot of stress lately and with Christmas coming up it can be a difficult time for a lot of people. You're not letting Sam down and when Christmas arrives I'm sure you will enjoy the time off you have with her.
Remember I'm here for you if you want to talk.
Karen
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Hi Sal, sorry to butt in, and feel free to ignore me but...
Irrational thoughts.....are you scared of hurting loved ones? hurting yourself, frightened you will die for no reason? Or go mad? And then maybe hurt someone?
These thoughts are very, very common, they all boil down to a fear of losing control. Control is a big factor in our lives. The trick is to let go of the control, your body and mind are amazing things. Do you realise they can get on fine without you interfering? Sorry if that comes across as glib, but it's true.
Sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself, you must not think about letting anyone down at Christmas, you are not letting anyone down if you feel bad. You have to go with it, work it through. If you pressure yourself that 'you must be OK' at christmas, or at that party, or when Sam is there, you will make it happen, the first slump, the first bit of pins and needles, the first bout of tiredness and you will think 'OH GOD, HERE IT COMES, I'M GOING TO LET EVERYONE DOWN!'
The people who love you want you to get better, you will not ruin their, or your christmas if you feel bad, please do not try and have a good christmas, have the christmas you have, that's all. accept that you MIGHT have an attack, but if you do it will last half an hour, you'll feel wobbly for the rest of the day, and then you'll be OK. You can have christmas the next day, or whenever. Your partner may get angry, my wife threw me out one new years eve, she had a belly full of wine and 'had had enough of my cr*p' after an attack, but she let me back in, and said she was sorry, and we're still together.
My rambling nonsense is just trying to say please don't put any more pressure on yourself than you already have. If you get worked up about having a good christmas, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. You always have us if you are in trouble, and your Sam, just let whatever will happen happen, have some sherry, pull a cracker, and go with it.
I ruined so many important moments in my life, and my loved one's life, by getting worked up and falling apart, in the end, I learnt to forgive myself, and let whatever happen happen.
I really hope this helps.
Michael.
You are not alone
Sal,
Sorry to hear you are feeling bad & as if you are going back to the start.
You have had far too much to cope with recently---the 'nasty boss' claiming you were AWOL, & then the messing about of your work hours/shifts with all the anxieties that will cause you in terms of Sam.
Plus your old friend coming back to you---eventually positive outcome---
but nevertheless a big disruption in the 'adrenalin levels' whilst you tried to work out with 'brain & heart' whether to trust her again.
Can you voice any of these irrational thoughts? Or is that too scary at present? Maybe "speaking them outwardly" with someone you trust might help to start to put them into perspective.
Hang in there, girl. Thinking of you.
Linda. xxx
Sorry, can I just preach a teensy bit more?
You may be back at square one, it's possible, you may have to go through everything you've been through before. the difference will be that it is a path you have taken before, you know the way. You know how to get back to where you were yesterday. You don't have to waste any time down blind alleys.
It's very difficult to explain what happens in your mind, our problems also include or bodies, all the guarding, all the hyper-sensitivity, it's a heady cocktail of complex issues. You will slip all the way back to being that frightened, frail person you were when it all started, but you can get back to where you were very quickly. It is a well recorded fact that most panic and general anxiety disorder sufferers are very intelligent, it's our ability to over-analyse that is our downfall. I call it 'paralysis by analysis'. You think too much basically.
These problems are a roller-coaster ride, but please know, it took me a while, but you do get better. You will find the thing(s) that will help you, it could take you six months, or ten years like me. The only people I know who never got better were the people who took and stayed on medication, don't get me started on THAT.....
Anyway, I would love to know what your specific thoughts are, and if there are any ways I can help you with those.
Love Michael XXX
You are not alone
Hi Sal honey,
Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad mate.
Firstly you are not back to square 1 again I promise you. I understand exactly how you feel mate. I had a really bad week with the anxitey and panic last week and thought thats it. I'm back to where I started from. one bad day blip and thats me screwed up again with fear.
It will ease though Sal and you will feel better again. Just go with the flow and accept how you are feeling at the moment even though it's S**T i know.
You have been working so hard as well mate so thats bound to have a big effect on you. You are not a bad person at all you are lovely. Everyone thinks bad things at times but it doesn't mean you are going to act upon them They are just thoughts thats all. Nothing else. its just that we tend to focus so much more on the negative ones thus wiping all the positive ones clean away. The more we focus on the bad thoughts the worse we become. I know how difficult it is. it's easy to give advice its a different matter beliving and accepting it though hey! Just keep practising and you will get there.
You haven't let anybody down. Take each day as it comes and don't worry that you don't feel really happy about Christmas and it not working out. Just feel the best you are able to at the moment and accept it as that. I know I have just broken up from my job and i should be feeling excited and happy. Yet Im still feel anxious and on edge alot of the time. So don't worry hun its perfectly nomal.
Remember I am here if you need me. i do hope you feel better soon. Heres a load of PMT to see you thorough mate!
Take good care
Love & Hugs,
Pip's XX XX
another_adam
18-12-04, 01:06
Firstly your not a bad person and your not on a road to no return. What your feeling now is the worst it will become and its going to get better!.
Like you said the problem is with irrational thoughts, over thinking, fear of losing control. So maybe you should look for a way to help control your mind better?, what i do is buddhism meditation, tai chi and yoga will also help.
What michael said is sound advise, what we tend to do is fight against the anxiety to gain some control. Which only increases the problem.
adam.
Hi Sal
Sad:( to hear you are having a bad time.
Please dont be hard on yourself you are not letting
anyone down and you are not a bad person.
You will NEVER go down a road where there is no
return, and you will NEVER lose control, they are
just thoughts and thoughts can be changed.
The road you are on now is the road to recovery.
You are a kind and caring person Sal and you are
strong enough to beat this.
Thinking of you
LOVE JILLXX
"Every thought you think changes your biochemisty.
You hormones are effected by your thoughts.
Pay attention to stuff that bring you joy.
Look for things that bring you a smile!"
Hi Sal
From what I've read on here you've been dealing with a lot lately. And from what I'me reading now, it seems that you're blaming yourself for what's happening to you now. You have done well to cope with what you have, and you should be proud of yourself for that, but you have to accept that sometimes these things just build up, and it may seem like this has came out of nowhere, but it is more likely that it's coming from all of the stress that has been building up for the past couple of months. To add to that, it is nearly Christmas, and that in itself causes stress to some degree or another for pretty much everyone. You are not to blame.
I really like what michael said:
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You may be back at square one, it's possible, you may have to go through everything you've been through before. the difference will be that it is a path you have taken before, you know the way. You know how to get back to where you were yesterday. You don't have to waste any time down blind alleys.
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That is very true. I guess once you get past a certain point, then 'square one' is an impossibility.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself, you're a very strong character, you just need a little focus. Accept that you've gone back a couple of steps - it happens to all of us - and start powering forward again. I know you can do it, and I'm sure deep down you know that too. The only reason I can write this, is because of my own experiences, it's happened to me on numerous occasions, it is just a blip. Maybe bigger than usuall, but a blip all the same, and you can get through it. The quicker you get to work too, then the quicker it will be. Inject some positive thoughts in there, tell yourself that you can do it. The only thing that can really knock you down is when you give up, and I know you're not about to do that.
good luck
mico
Thanks for your support. Today hasnt got any better, i feel worse, but i really appreciate all of your advice, especially you Michael. I know what you are saying makes total sense but we all know we get into a state where we cant slow it all down and irrational thoughts come bounding in to our head.
I have had 15 mg of diazepam today and still feel no calmer, i know i am just going to have to ride it through. Really wish i was on my own as feel i cant cope with Sam. I am so scared of letting her down and what ifs are flying through my head. What if she is naughty and i lose it. What if i go mad and hurt her, i hate feeling like this.
Work hasnt helped my boss never replied to the letter i wrote to her and i have spent all week redoing details for Christmas that my colleague put out and was wrong. I have spent all week asking where i will be working from the 16 Jan when we are supposed to be getting moved out of the office. I have spoken to governors, personnel, the union and no one could give me an answer so i just mentioned to my boss yesterday that i need to have notice and the sooner the better. Within in 5 minutes she came back and said i could move out of the office as from tomorrow. (I did say to her dont make it so obvious you want rid of me!!) but that is the case as governors couldnt move me and suddenly she is moving me. So i start on the female centre shift pattern from 2 Jan but that is only temporary covering long term sick, so although getting out of the office, i still have no secure post to go to.
Just sick of been messed around and it isnt helping how i am feeling.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, I am sure it's just a blip due to all the pressure you have been under lately.
Try not to worry about all the thoughts whirring round in your head as they a re just thoughts, you will not go mad and lose it with Sam.
You will get through this chuck I promise.
Try a relaxing bath and chill out evening on the sofa with Sam.
Thinking of you
Take care
Elainexx
Merlinssister
18-12-04, 17:58
*hugs*
I feel guilty enough when I'm having a bad time and the pressure it puts on my other half, never mind if I had a child. Just remember you are doing your best, coping with a great deal, and you will survive the chaos that is Xmas.
nomorepanic
18-12-04, 21:47
Sal
Hi mate.
You will not go back to square one - I know that you have come too far down the road to just fall back to that low point again.
I think Xmas is an added stress for us all and the pressure to do everything gets on top of us now.
You will be fine, you will not harm Sam and you will not fall back down mate.
I am here if you want to talk and thanks for your text messages supporting me too - I appreciate it.
Big hug to you.
xx
Nicola
Hi Sal
How are you today?
Hope you are feeling better.
Thinking of you
LOVE JILLXX
All problems have a begining and an end!
Hi Jill
I am not really sure how i feel today, i feel a bit numb and totally shocked by how bad i have felt this last few days, to the point that i was petrified i had lost it and was going to get carted away.
By last night i just wanted to go to bed and never wake up again.
But i have, as we all do. I feel really tired today, less anxious though as i dont think i could have got any worse that i was yesterday. I sat for hours thinking how my life was over and how i couldnt live like this at all. It was really scarey and a long time since i have felt so empty and no hope there.
I suppose taking 20 mg of diazepam and it not helping sent me into worse panic
I have been into town with Sam to buy her some new clothes as she has grown out of hers here and at her dads, so he is going to give me the money for the ones i have bought from his house.
I cant remember feeling like life wasnt worth carrying on with and it has totally knocked me for six but on a positive note, i got through the day and kept Sam with me where as normally i would get her dad to have her.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal,
I really feel for you right now because as
you know all of us have been there where
you are now, and we know just how you
are feeling:(
There is an end to this, it just takes time,
you are already moving forward by going
to town with Sam and keeping her with you.
In the past you have given lots of support to
other people, me being one of them.
As you know I am now 95% better.
I know its hard and you cannot see it right now
but you WILL get better.
We are all here for you Sal.
THINKING OF YOU
LOVE JILLXX
nomorepanic
19-12-04, 17:04
Sal
Hang on in there ok?
I know Xmas will be stressful but I bet it is also so lovely to see Sam open her presents.
Try to get some "you" over the next few days and get some early nights so that you don't have the added problems of being tired all day.
Have you got any more holiday that you can take or are you working all over Xmas now?
We are here if you need us ok?
xx
Nicola
[quote]cant cope with life, scared of losing control and think my thoughts may come true.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal, I know you feel. I have a similar problem and feel terrified by my thoughts. It is really awful. I'm sorry I can't be more help, but wanted you to know that I know how you are feeling.
Take care
Frances
just popped back to see how your feeling....better i hope take care
fan x
Hi Sal
How are you? Hope you are feeling
a little better.
Thinking of you.
LOVE JILLXXXX
Thanks for all your replies. Diazepam is still my best friend but believe it or not i havent had one today as Barbara who i have mentioned before on site has had a really bad day.
I rang her last night and asked if i could call on wing and see her, obviously no problem at all but when i went down she was no where to be seen. So asked one of the staff where she was and they couldnt talk in front of other staff so wrote it down. Long storty which i wouldnt want to break her confidence but she needed a friend so stayed with her which took my mind of how i felt.
Love her to bits and really got to me how upset she was. Sometimes i do find it hard to talk to her but after today i am sure that we cant feel like that again.
Only problem to me is how she felt today is something Shaz has instigated. Non intentionally against Babs as it over a past work incident, but that is where my priority lies. Shaz has texted me tonight and dont know what to say, obviously wont tell her about today, but i cant see someone i care about like Barbara suffer how she has today.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Hope you are feeling better chuck.
At least by thinking about you friend it's distracting you from your anxious thoughts.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas with Sam
Chin up
Elaine
Merlinssister
22-12-04, 11:33
Hang in there. sal. *hugs*
Thanks for the support.
Still not feeling very good but put it down to this time of year as i always seem to get stressed and worry about if i will be ill then i do. Psychological i know.
I have offered to work loads of shifts this next week but it is just to take my mind of things and like Barbara pointed out last night i do this work loads of hours and wear myself out by the end of it and feel worse, but i have already committed to cover peoples shifts as well so wont let them down.
Slowly getting by but with the use of diazepam, it has been a while since i needed to use it like this but i am using it sensibly.
Lots of Love Sal xxxxx
hope your feeling a bit better x
fan x
Hi My name is Carl im 24 from manchester area i have been having major panic attacks for years and never understood the weird thoughts until recently when my doc diagnosed it n e ways im just browsing as i often get bored hope ur all ok i no just how bad it is cant c a way out yet but ive heard it happens all the time, chin up peeps keep on the bright side
nomorepanic
13-01-05, 20:10
Hi Carl
Welcome to the forum
You may like to start your own post and tell us more about you on there.
Hope you stick around
Nicola
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